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Why do I feel so bad about myself - anyone else do this?

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
So I went to a friends for dinner last night with DH.
I walked in and they've recently had an extension and their kitchen was like walking into a beautiful spread in an interiors magazine, it looked amazing. And they did a lot of work themselves. The couple that live there both work in london and spend 4 hours travelling every day, but they obviously earn an absolute fortune and are happy together.
There were two other couples there too, also married. One of the couples are newlyweds and we watched their wedding dvd. They looked so happy together.
The other couple, who also live in the same village as us, announced that they are 5 months pregnant they couldn't stop holding hands it was so cute.

Then I got home and I was like oh man I feel like such an underachiever! I have an ordinary job, which I thought was fine, although I'm not going anywhere fast. (although I do have a second interview for a job on Wednesday) DH and I have been a bit rocky, and I've been going to relate (relationship councilling) alone as he won't go! Our house is ordinary, messy and needs stuff doing to it like a bit of painting etc. We have two beautiful kitties who love us very much. AND I organise gigs for charity (Oxfam) and the last one made five hundred pounds. I have another one coming up on 23rd Oct so I'm a bit nevous about that.

Why do I feel so bad about myself for being average!!!!! I need a kick up the butt - I'm ok but feel that's not enough - have to be one of these wonderwomen earning millions whilst saving the world
post #2 of 21
I'm sure there are aspects of your life that these other people are envious of. The grass is always greener on the other side!! No-one's life is perfect and no-one's relationship is perfect either.

You do great work for charity and I'm sure your 'ordinary' job is every bit as important as anyone else's. So don't worry about other people's lives; enjoy your own! Sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your OH though.
post #3 of 21
Remember that the public face is not the same as the private face. They have their own issues and problems.

First thing is to remind yourself of your priorities (maybe work on them in your relationship counseling). Do you really want to spend 4 hours a day commuting? Or spend time helping a worthy charity organization as you currently are? Are you ready for a child?

So many people are chasing things and possessions that they think will make them happy when the truth lies in their hearts. If you are honest with what is truly important to you (not everyone else), then you will find your way.
post #4 of 21
I would recommend the song "Time" by Pink Floyd.

Time

Especially note the lyrics:

"Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way"

It's a reference to a quote from Henry David Thoreau: "The Mass of men lead lives of quiet desparation."

And, of course, it's true for most of us, especially in the dark of the night when we're tempted to compare ourselves to what we can see of the public lives of others.
post #5 of 21
Quote:
" Do not compare yourself to others for there are always going to be lesser and greater people then you in your life. Comparison will only make you vain or bitter and has no basis in reality. Only you know the truth of your own life and only they know the truth of theirs. Work on yourself if need be but leave the illusions of them aside."
This is a quote I came across in a philosophy class many years ago and I have tried to use it as a template on how to lead my life...

If you think about it it has a point.
post #6 of 21
Thread Starter 
Thanks guys, you are so right, I shouldn't compare myself to others.
I'm so not ready for a child, but I worry because my DH is 31 and he doesn't want to leave it too long.......
Whatever happens with him, I'll be ok.
I really wouldn't want to spend 4 hours per day travelling - IMO that's a little crazy. That's 4 hours I could be spending with my girls!
I have "Carpe Diem" tattoed on my back, because I spend too much time worrying about the future, or re-hashing the past, and need to spend more time living in the now.
I love my charity work, I'm getting some brilliant experience organising gigs and meeting so many wonderful people.
I wonder if I'm being too fussy about my DH - after all things are never the way they are in the movies - it's just sometime I find myself wondering "is this really it?"
Mr Blanche, thank you for the song, I'm listening to it right now. I have a song for you too: Eels - Hey Man
http://nz.youtube.com/watch?v=uvsGzPZP_2g
I love music -so much can be expressed through it.
post #7 of 21
You sound just like one of my friends?!. I was out for dinner with 3 of my friends on friday. One of them is forever putting herself down. I had a wrap on and as we were leaving the restaurant she said "I wish i could wear one of those because they suit you", I told her that theres nothing stopping her wearing one because it's just a wrap and anyone can get away with wearing them.

Like weve told her many times your no different to anyone else. You are what you are.

Theres no way i could do 4 hours commuting either!. It takes me an hour to get to work and that's bad enough, so if they were honest i bet they'd say that journey was a drag, especially when the winter nights are coming They may seem happy, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

And as for the ones that were pregnant and holding hands?, wait until the baby comes along and their whole routine is changed
post #8 of 21
What's an extension??

I agree with others that to you your job might seem ordinary but to others it may not.

My job which is landscaping/gardening I go to one elderly clients home weekly, I don't think I really do anything special but she is so pleased with what I do.
post #9 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by GailC View Post
What's an extension??
It's where you have either an extra room built onto your house, or you have the rooms made bigger (extended), such as the kitchen that the couple had their extension on
post #10 of 21
Here in the states we call that an addition!! Like my BIL had an addition built to their house to increase the size of their kitchen and create a larger dining area.

Anyway one names it it costs money!!
post #11 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by katachtig View Post
Remember that the public face is not the same as the private face. They have their own issues and problems.
I so agree!

I remember back in the 1980's my friend's aunt and uncle bought a $250,000.00 house in a very affluencial neighbourhood. Today that house is probably worth $750,000.00.

Anyway, they had always wanted to own a custom built luxury home. He worked for CN (a railroad), and she worked as a nurses aid for a hospital. Neither made really great incomes.

However, they both were picking up extra shifts and both took on part time jobs so that they could have this luxury dream house.

Once the house was built they moved in only to discover that they normal everyday "ratty" furniture that they had from their old 4 bedroom house just didn't "fit" the design of the new luxury house. So they went out and bought all new furniture, which put them further in the hole financially.

So here they now have their gorgeous luxury home, complete with expensive leather and wood furniture to match. But they now had no money left for anything.

They had cashed in their investments and drained their savings just to afford this house and furniture.

Now they had a huge mortgage, extraordinarily high property taxes, and bills coming out of their ying yangs, all because they wanted to look "affluent".

A year later they were still busting their butts working part time jobs on top of their full time jobs just to keep their heads above water. They weren't young. They were in their mid 50's, and they were really tired.

At a time in their lives where they should be slowing down and enjoying their lives and looking towards retirement thanks to a comfortable nest egg, they could no longer do that, because they were now living pay cheque to pay cheque and couldn't put any money away to save.

They ended up selling the house after 4 years because they just couldn't keep up anymore. You don't have very much equity in a house after only 4 years, so whether they were able to get any money out of it at all to put back into retirement plans, I don't know.

I told you this story because things aren't always what they seem to be on the surface. Yes, it seems like they have it made in the shade, but what sacrifices have they made to give that impression?

Never be ashamed of who you are, where you live or how your life is. We do the best that we can with the cards that are dealt to us and I'll tell you that while having money is nice, it can't buy happiness, it really can't.

Your life sounds pretty fine to me You have a job that you like, a house that is a home instead of show room sterile, and while you and your DH are having a few problems right now, commitment and communication will be the key to straightening that out.

So hold your head up high. You are no an under achiever. You have a level head and aren't trying to be someone you aren't, or live a life you can't afford.
post #12 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post

They may seem happy, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
That is the honest truth! A couple of years ago my husband and I were having a LOT of trouble, came very close to either divorce or murder, but nobody, and I mean nobody, aside from the medical/mental professionals in our lives knew anything amiss was going on.
post #13 of 21
AHHH I think sometimes we all feel that way. But you have to look past the "material" things. While you think that some are more lucky, in reality they may not be and have on a "mask" of happiness. Many people go out and buy a lot of nice things to impress but you are not paying their bills when it comes in. Many people strap themselves to the limit.

Be thankful for what you DO have and your job. Many many in this world have nothing compared to you and would consider you very "rich"

Every day, we thank God for what he's given us (he always meets our needs) - we don't need fancy stuff to impress. But we have money to pay all our bills and are not behind.

Maybe a year or so from now, those "happy people" you met will not be so happy anymore.
post #14 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by katachtig View Post
Remember that the public face is not the same as the private face. They have their own issues and problems.

First thing is to remind yourself of your priorities (maybe work on them in your relationship counseling). Do you really want to spend 4 hours a day commuting? Or spend time helping a worthy charity organization as you currently are? Are you ready for a child?

So many people are chasing things and possessions that they think will make them happy when the truth lies in their hearts. If you are honest with what is truly important to you (not everyone else), then you will find your way.
Very well said. I couldn't think of a better way to word it myself! This is very good advice
post #15 of 21
I know we all feel that way. I know I do sometimes. I am divorced. And I was talking to someone but he wasn't calling me as much as I was him so I decided to wait on him to call me and its been nearly a week. And the person who makes my heart melt is in lockup right now. But I have decided to concentrate on me and my dogs and possibly another cat at some point. I am fairly happy. Although right now I am in a mood to listen to my Hinder cd. I think listening to music and taking time out alone sometimes helps. Maybe it will for you. to help you out a bit. If you want to talk sometime feel free to pm me. Sometimes talking helps.
post #16 of 21
I have an analogy for you.

Here's a conversation from a few (actually 9) years ago.

"Jane": Guess what? In the time that "Freddie" and I have been together, counting all the diamonds in all the jewelry he's given me, I have 27 diamonds!!!

Me: So what, I'm getting a kitty!

That was when I got Oliver. I know people who have a lot more money than I do. It doesn't mean they are richer. I bet when you really think about it, you are richer than you thought.
post #17 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockcat View Post
I have an analogy for you.

Here's a conversation from a few (actually 9) years ago.

"Jane": Guess what? In the time that "Freddie" and I have been together, counting all the diamonds in all the jewelry he's given me, I have 27 diamonds!!!

Me: So what, I'm getting a kitty!
I'd much rather have a kitty than diamonds! Diamonds don't cuddle and purr.
post #18 of 21
Thread Starter 
WOW
Thank you so much guys, you are amazing. It have honestly teared up, I feel so good about what an amazing support network is on here, and so many lovely people.
My husband is a good guy, he may be a pain in the butt, but marriage isn't an easy ride - it takes hard work and bucketloads of patience. I really appreciate that he's been making a real effort, he bought me some flowers, he did some housework, he helped me write a press release and he made me a cup of tea without being asked that's so cute
I do little things for him - like I was in the supermarket and saw I card I knew he'd like, so I bought it for him and wrote a nice message, and left it out for him with a yummy biscuit for him to take to work when he got up at 5am. I think those small things make a big difference - it shows someone you still think of them all the time.
And OH yes I'd much rather have a kitty than diamonds! Diamonds aren't cute and fuzzy. Diamonds don't wait up for you late at night. Diamonds don't give you cuddles, oh I could go on for ages!
post #19 of 21
Jessy, so glad that you seem to be feeling better about things. Sounds like your marriage is getting back on track too! You are so right about the little things. They count for a LOT!
post #20 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
I'd much rather have a kitty than diamonds! Diamonds don't cuddle and purr.
Linda, I'm going to be quoting that one for years!
post #21 of 21
Ahhh...yes.... I have friends just like that. Perfect house. Perfect relationship, Never fight, In love after 11 years of marriage, Always hugging and kissing, Never jealous, Awesome jobs, Great material items, Best clothes for them and their kids, etc etc etc etc etc...

Guess what? - all they can do is talk crap about everyone else. They only surround themselves with people who are FUN for the moment, not true friends. Not people with REAL problems. If you don't have the same TOYS as they do, they find other friends who do and never hang out with you because of it.


Know what that tells me? Not very nice people, who have A LOT of their own issues and they surround themselves with things and people who keep their minds off their real issues because REAL friends would be too "real"


Keep that in mind - Whats in your face is one thing. What is behind closed doors is another.


- My husband and I are real. really in love, but we get on each others nerves, make poor choices, and work through it all. What you see is what you get. Lots of people know my real issues. I have nothing to hide - I need my friends to be there, and be real. When I need advice - how can I get it if I am not giving them the real story?

Ehhh, fakers suck, LOL! jk.


I know, I know - Go out, get a better job, work a million hours, never have time for my kids, pets, family, friends, or anything - Just sleep in my 5000 bed, and drive my million dollar car to work - so that I can afford the best of the best. JK
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