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I'm ready to strangle my nephew today!!!!!

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
Gurrrr!!!! I am so mad at my nephew at the moment it's not even funny!

I got a call around 9am this morning from my sister telling me that my nephew Cooper had vomited in the nurses' office at school and had a fever, would I mind picking him up? (She was at work all the way out on the other side of the city, and my brother in law was on an interview.) I asked her if she was absolutely sure he was really sick and not lying, and she said that the nurse talked to her and said he was so I went to go and pick Cooper up.

Now just a little side note- In the past few years, Cooper has faked being sick quite a number of times to try and get out of school...including about 4 times already this school year that resorted in the school calling his parents or me to pick him up (i'm one of his contacts since I live so close.) Once we got him home however he never was sick save one time where he went home and really did have a virus. Cooper is pretty much like the little boy that cried wolf so to speak. We might belive him the first, even a second time....but when this happens over and over again and he lies, we typically don't belive him because he can not be trusted. (He's 10 by the way and in 5th grade)

Just about a month ago his dad (my bil, Jason) went up there and talked to the school and told them he did not want them to call us to pick him up unless he was truely sick or dying, because this is just rediculious!

Obviously that went in one ear and out the other today! When I got there to pick him up, he jumped up out of his seat in the office and yelled my name and ran to give me a hug (Now keep in mind i've know Cooper his whole life and they've lived with us several times, so I KNOW when he is sick and when he is not.) When he is sick, he doesn't jump up or run around. - That was my first clue he was lying.

I went up to the desk and asked if I could speak to the nurse. Well turns out the nurse is just a "nurse parent" - she's not even a real nurse, they just volunteer and rotate shifts to do things like taking temperatures/etc...anyways, she was very sweet, but it was obvious to me that she was very easily a push over, who easily felll for Cooper's fibs

I asked her, "would you mind telling me what his temperature was?" - It was only 99. something (a very low grade temp.) I then told her "my sister said that she was told by a staff member he vomited in the nurse's office....did you see him do that?" She then proceeded to tell me she didn't see him do that and he didn't vomit in the office that she knew of. - So apparently someone on the staff was wrong Why they would tell my sister that I don't know? I told her the only reason I came up there today to pick him up was because I was told that someone had SEEN him vomiting and that he had a fever.

Long story short I went ahead and signed him out to take him home. On the car ride home Cooper just happened to mention to me "I didn't have lunch yet at school." - Yet another indicator he was not sick (like I said, I know his little guy like the back of my hand....when he is really sick, he will refuse food and not have much of an appetite.)

I also told him "Cooper, I want to believe you when you tell me that you've gotten sick, but you have lied to me in the past and that has made me loose my trust in you, did you really get sick at school are are you lying to me like you've done before?" - he then told me that he got sick in the bathroom at a school (also what he claimed the last time he was "sick" - and of course he claims that because no teachers go in the bathroom to check his story, they just believe him I then asked him...."Cooper, did you have PE. class this morning? He then told me he did and that he ran a 1/2 mile. I asked him if he got sick after pe class and he said he did. (Now keep in mind this is also what he claimed the last time I picked him up) When we got back to my house I made him go straight to bed. (I have 2 bedrooms at my house set up specifically for my niece and nephews because they're over at my house soo much). No way I was letting him watch tv or making him a special lunch like I normally would have if he had really been sick

I immediately told Colin (DH) what happened and he went back in the room to talk to him. Anyways, he got the truth out of him a bit- Cooper did lie to us as I had suspected. I called his mom and dad and let them know what was up about how he lied yet AGAIN Colin (who was in his police uniform since he was getting ready to go to work when this happened) and I marched his butt right back to school and spoke with the staff there about how he was NOT sick, and made him appologize to the teachers/etc.

One thing that I brought up to him was that he did not have a "fever" from being sick, he was just warm from exercising during PE! (idiots!) Anyways, they called his PE coach into the office and asked him if Cooper had told him he didn't feel well or if he had gotten sick during his class- his teacher said no, he was completly fine during class and never told him he didn't feel well. His PE coach escorted him back to class and gave him a stern lecture on the way there (I like his PE teacher lol!)

Colin and I talked to the staff a little longer and got the number of the guidance counselor for my sister and brother in law to call today. They're going to set up an appointment with her and get him in the school counseling program (pretty much instead of going to recess, he'll go and talk to the counselor, they don't have detention in that elementry school, so it's the next best thing!). He's been though it before when he lied about doing his homework and got in trouble for a while. Upon talking with the staff further they told Colin and I that Cooper tries to leave school almost daily by claiming to be sick. I asked them if they told his parents that and they said they hadn't yet (once again, totally unacceptable- parents need to be aware of that!) So I told my sister about that as well so she knew it was more than just an occassional problem, it's almost daily.

Suppsoedly today the new nurse-mom didn't know that he was a notorious lier and called us to pick him up while the other staff wasn't in the office. (there's one lady there that knows Cooper well and will not send him him unless he is REALLY sick because of this- the nurse mom called us to pick him up while she was out of the room and was clueless). Cooper also told us that he had a substitute teacher today too (who apparently wasn't aware of his lying eithor!) He totally took advantage of her. He had the substitute teacher after PE class got out so he apparently told her he was sick and she sent him to the office after he claimed he vomited in the bathroom.

Now his parents have also talked with the staff SEVERAL times about having someone go into the bathroom to check up on him when he claimes he vomits to make sure he really did get sick (the new substitute teacher wasn't aware of this i guess)

So yea, I'm about ready to kill him today I am sick and tired of his lying to me and the rest of our family, not to mention his teachers! It is unacceptable, and he was not raised this way. He was raised with discipline and respect and he does know the difference between the truth and a lie. Colin and I (with my sister's ok) gave him a very stern talking too while he was here, then we made him appologize to the staff at his school for lying after we made him go back to class. He is also going to also be in serious trouble when he gets home as well now that both his mom and dad know what he did. I wish I knew why he was doing this.

We tried asking Cooper why he doesn't want to be at school, is there someone picking on him, is he struggling with class,etc....but he said no.I'm hoping that the school counselor helps! My brother- in-law is making an appointment to meet with her this week as well to try and get this situation under control.
post #2 of 21
Oh that is sad, obviously there is somethng going on with Cooper if he is trying to get out of school every day. I hope someone can get to the bottom of what is bothering him. There is an underlying issue. Understand that if its somethng to do with being bullied, kids dont readily come out and say anything about it to anyone. Im not sure if that is what the issue is, but something is going on.

I know it upsets you, but try to look at it like "I need to help him get to the bottom of what is REALLY bothering him" so you can help him with compassion and not be angry with him or it will be difficult for him to open up to those around him, who can help him.

Many prayers for Cooper and those around hm, too
post #3 of 21
I have a ten year-old. It is AMAZING what they try to get away with. It's the age....

Boy, you did all the right things! Having to apologize to everybody is a great natural consequence that might have him thinking first next time.

I agree that something must be going on at school... none of the educators noticed anything? Cooper needs to speak up, and another life lesson about lying to be learned.

You'll probably think back about this when you have a kid who is ten. Day by day, parenting is a challenge.
post #4 of 21
When he's "sick" take him to the doctor. If he has to give blood once that should discourage him from playing sick again. And like with pets, a check up when healthy to gauge from later doesn't hurt.
post #5 of 21
Simple curiosity here... is there another school nearby his parents could take him to? Maybe that would solve the 'getting out of school' issue without forcing him to explain?

Or... is he a fairly bright child (sounds like he's good at manipulating anyway...) Maybe he is bored? When I got bored with school when I was little I got 'sick' often and tried to stay home/go home.
post #6 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pami View Post
Oh that is sad, obviously there is somethng going on with Cooper if he is trying to get out of school every day. I hope someone can get to the bottom of what is bothering him. There is an underlying issue. Understand that if its somethng to do with being bullied, kids dont readily come out and say anything about it to anyone. Im not sure if that is what the issue is, but something is going on.

I know it upsets you, but try to look at it like "I need to help him get to the bottom of what is REALLY bothering him" so you can help him with compassion and not be angry with him or it will be difficult for him to open up to those around him, who can help him.

Many prayers for Cooper and those around hm, too
Thanks Pam!

I really am just so frusterated with him right now, even if he is having issues at school, that still just doesn't excuse all of the lying he's been doing lately.

We've tried asking a few times if maybe he's beeing bullied/etc (and my sister even asked his teachers) and the answer just keeps comming back no, that he gets along well with everyone.

The only thing I can think of is that he has changed schools three times in the past 3 years - once when they first moved back to Memphis from Pennsylvania and were living with my mom and I at the time, another time after the moved out of my mom's house and into a rental, and then again about a year ago (in Feb.) when they moved into the house Colin and I are now renting to them (their house is literally in the backyard of the new school -it is a much better school than the other two were, with better teachers/funding/etc and in a safer area. ) I was origionally wondering if the chaning schools had anything to do with it...but when I got to thinking- he did this playing sick thing even when he was at the other schools.

Colin and I asked him if he was having problems with his grades in any of his classes and if he needed some extra help because we'd be glad to help him out if he needs it. (I tutor his sister in english/histrory/science and Colin tutors her in math and I also help his older brother with his papers). I was thinking that maybe Cooper was having a hard time in class and that's why he doesn't want to be there, but I just don't know. My sister and his teachers keep close tabs on his grades and always alert them when he needs a little help. He is also in a resource class for his math and has done a ton better since he's been in there- his grades are very good for the most part. I just don't know what's going on with him

It's frusterating and upsetting all at the same time. Part of me wants to help him if there is a problem going on, because this trying to leave school everyday is just not normal....But I also think he should be held accountable for his actions and he has to learn that lying is not going to get him anwhere but in trouble in life.

I honestly just think he wanted to come to my house and hang out. He loves it here because we're always doing fun little projects or things around the house and he has fun when he's over...I think that he thought he could just get out of school and come over to my house and play. (he found out otherwise when we took him right back to school)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
I have a ten year-old. It is AMAZING what they try to get away with. It's the age....

Boy, you did all the right things! Having to apologize to everybody is a great natural consequence that might have him thinking first next time.

I agree that something must be going on at school... none of the educators noticed anything? Cooper needs to speak up, and another life lesson about lying to be learned.

You'll probably think back about this when you have a kid who is ten. Day by day, parenting is a challenge.
I'm glad you think we did the right thing. We just wanted him to be honest and accountable for what he did....if he gets away with lying over and over again, he is going to wind up like the people DH has to deal with every day when he's on duty. None of us want that for him- we want him to be as happy and successful as possible. We were trying not to overstep our place so to speak as his aunt and uncle -so we checked with his parents before we did anything (they pretty much say, "you're 2nd in line, you do what we would do" and i'll pretty much say the same when we have kids, that's just how my family is- we all try to teach them to be responsible and respectable.

I love him to pieces, but I just don't know what else to think about all of this- he is constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY lying to us It's really upsetting. I want him to know that he can talk to us if there's a problem and that we will try to help him, in the past he has always confided in me. But lately (and I guess with age he's changing) he's just been lying to everyone non-stop- about school,homework, his friends, you name it. I want him to feel comfortable enough to carry out a conversation with us where we can sit down and talk and get things resolved, but we also want him to understand that lying will not be tolerated, reguardless of the reason.

Ha I agree with you- Colin and I have already said we're getting fantastic practice with our family's kids for when we have our own They are literally over at my house almost daily. We are a very close family, I want my future kids to be the same way with them.
post #7 of 21
Our daughter went through a lying phase, too, really all kids do. The important thing is for the parents and educators (since it's happening at school) to make it clear that lying is unacceptable. It can take a few weeks or a few years before the kids realize it's not worth it and they stop.

Search for "lying behavior of ten year-olds" and you'll find a wealth of info for dealing with it, making sure he has an "out" so he doesn't have to lie, etc. Accountability is a huge thing. Too many adults didn't learn it as kids. Good luck!
post #8 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
When he's "sick" take him to the doctor. If he has to give blood once that should discourage him from playing sick again. And like with pets, a check up when healthy to gauge from later doesn't hurt.
His parents did that last time he faked sick Obviously didn't discourage him from doing it again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forensic View Post
Simple curiosity here... is there another school nearby his parents could take him to? Maybe that would solve the 'getting out of school' issue without forcing him to explain?

Or... is he a fairly bright child (sounds like he's good at manipulating anyway...) Maybe he is bored? When I got bored with school when I was little I got 'sick' often and tried to stay home/go home.

Well as far as other schools go, not really any other ones near their house in that district. The school he goes to is LITERALLY in the back yard of their house. They rent the house from us that we used to live in (they're planning to buy it from us soon.)

He is a bright child, but he does have some learning problems with math and things like that. His parents and the school had him tested last year and have worked together and put him into a smaller class that helps children with learning problems. He loves that particular teacher and has brought his grades up dramatically since he started going into that class for extra help. So I don't think it has to do with him being bored. (that was a problem with my other nephew, Isaac though, they eventaully put him in a few advanced classes and he had a new interest for school when they did that and is doing good too.).

I'm honestly not completly sure what is going on!

Any other ideas you guys? I really think he just doesn't want to go to a degree (just don't know for certain why) and that he wants to come over to my house and just hang out/play rather than being at school
post #9 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
Our daughter went through a lying phase, too, really all kids do. The important thing is for the parents and educators (since it's happening at school) to make it clear that lying is unacceptable. It can take a few weeks or a few years before the kids realize it's not worth it and they stop.

Search for "lying behavior of ten year-olds" and you'll find a wealth of info for dealing with it, making sure he has an "out" so he doesn't have to lie, etc. Accountability is a huge thing. Too many adults didn't learn it as kids. Good luck!
Thankyou! Off to google that now and hopefully find some useful ideas!!!
post #10 of 21
And try not to take his lying personally, it's difficult to do.
post #11 of 21
It definitely sounds like something is up. Maybe he isn't being challenged enough or it's the complete opposite. It's hard for a child who is being bullied to admit it.

I wish you luck.
post #12 of 21
I'm only 20 and i don't know about kids really at all.. but it sounds like you handled the situation quite well.
post #13 of 21
You've gotten good advice, and I think you did the right thing too.

I'm not sure that sometimes they even understand how much their lying affects other people. I've heard of this trick working pretty well. This one mom was having trouble with her son lying, so one day taking her kid to school she told him she would buy him some McDonalds french fries after school. Then, when she picked him up, she just drove straight home. He said, "but you promised you'd get me French fries." And she said, "I lied." That pretty much hit home with him what his lying felt like to his mom!
post #14 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by kluchetta View Post
You've gotten good advice, and I think you did the right thing too.

I'm not sure that sometimes they even understand how much their lying affects other people. I've heard of this trick working pretty well. This one mom was having trouble with her son lying, so one day taking her kid to school she told him she would buy him some McDonalds french fries after school. Then, when she picked him up, she just drove straight home. He said, "but you promised you'd get me French fries." And she said, "I lied." That pretty much hit home with him what his lying felt like to his mom!
Ohh I like that idea! A little reverse psychology going on there! Maybe that will help him understand how I feel when he lies to me and others. Brillant!
post #15 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by kluchetta View Post
You've gotten good advice, and I think you did the right thing too.

I'm not sure that sometimes they even understand how much their lying affects other people. I've heard of this trick working pretty well. This one mom was having trouble with her son lying, so one day taking her kid to school she told him she would buy him some McDonalds french fries after school. Then, when she picked him up, she just drove straight home. He said, "but you promised you'd get me French fries." And she said, "I lied." That pretty much hit home with him what his lying felt like to his mom!
If you do this, use it also as an opportunity to teach how credibility is lost with just one lie. Point out how he doesn't necessarily trust everything you say after just one deception.
post #16 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
If you do this, use it also as an opportunity to teach how credibility is lost with just one lie. Point out how he doesn't necessarily trust everything you say after just one deception.
will do!
post #17 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by kluchetta View Post
You've gotten good advice, and I think you did the right thing too.

I'm not sure that sometimes they even understand how much their lying affects other people. I've heard of this trick working pretty well. This one mom was having trouble with her son lying, so one day taking her kid to school she told him she would buy him some McDonalds french fries after school. Then, when she picked him up, she just drove straight home. He said, "but you promised you'd get me French fries." And she said, "I lied." That pretty much hit home with him what his lying felt like to his mom!
That is mean. Thats just plain mean. Who do you think that would effect more? A little boy? Or an adult? Just say, I don't like when you lie and please stop doing it. It hurts my feelings when you lie and it is wrong. If they don't listen then maybe they aren't mature enough to understand yet anyway.
post #18 of 21
I personally wouldn't do that. My mum smokes, but she kept it a secret from me (I'm very anti-smoking) until I was 16. She would even side with me when I tried to get my dad to quit, but smoked once I'd gone to sleep.
When I was about 8 years old my grandpa made a comment/joke about my mother smoking. I was so shocked, and couldn't believe that he'd lie about her.
This subconsciously caused a huge rift between me and my grandpa as I could not bring myself to completely trust him. When I found out the truth I felt oddly betrayed, and angry that my mother had been the cause of my stilted relationship with my grandpa.

I realise this is an extremely stupid thing to get all worked up about, but silly little things can make a huge impression on a child.

When I was 11 I went through a phase of faking illness on Fridays because I wanted to miss Music lessons. We always had to play something in front of the class to show that we'd practised and I hated the recorder, and was petrified of public performances.
post #19 of 21
Heya

I personally think you done a good thing draggin his butt to school and making him apoligize , i honestly think if he was getting bullied he would freak out about going back to the school and just break down , i can also image him being 'sick' before school rather then at school , but there is a chance he is being bullied so always look out for other signs

Is there a pattern with him being sick , a time of the day , a certain day ect.. because on a wednesday i used to always get 'sick' in the afternoons , and the nurse noticed a pattern , it was because there was a horrible person in my art class who make a joke of my weight ect and others would join in (i was 14 at the time) and eventually i told them they sorted it and i never had a problem

The coucillor should help.
Also maybe try this

'Copper , if you do a whole week at school and your grades remain good we can do some thing on the weekend which is fun.'

And eventually cut that back until once a month reward ect.. This should also show if he is being bullied because if he remains in school and seems happy its because he knows a reward is coming his way.

Ok maybe all my advice wasnt good but i think you should try it.. again if he is getting bullied i would image through experiance that maybe he would have other things going (but i understand and accept everyones different with handling/dealing with things)

Jess x
post #20 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oci-lot View Post
That is mean. Thats just plain mean. Who do you think that would effect more? A little boy? Or an adult? Just say, I don't like when you lie and please stop doing it. It hurts my feelings when you lie and it is wrong. If they don't listen then maybe they aren't mature enough to understand yet anyway.
I don't think that's mean at all. I think it will teach him how it feels when someone lies to him (but and explaination of why you're doing it HAS to follow immediately). And 10 years old is plenty old enough to know understand it feels like to be lied to.

One question I have is where does he fall with his brother and sister age wise? Does he happen to be the middle child? Even if he isn't the middle child it could be his way of getting attention.

I think you handled the whole situation very well. See, this is why I don't have kids!
post #21 of 21
Hmmm. That sounds like a symptom of something else going on with him at school. Is he being bullied? It's not uncommon or a child who is being bullied to not want to go to school, either by claiming to be sick or skipping school secretly on their own.

And the sad thing is that most children won't speak up about being bullied either for fear of making it worse.
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