Do you think it's ok to read your child's email/msn converstaions?

EnzoLeya

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I just spoke with my little sister and she's finally gotten to the age of boys. My step dad, her dad, is.....how do I put this nicely.....a control freak. When I was growing up, I'm 21 now, he would only allow me to be on the computer an hour everyday. During that hour I would write emails to friends and family and talk to people on msn. He would stand over my shoulder and read everything! It drove me crazy and I felt so trapped. I couldn't even privately send an email to a grandparent.

Now that my sister is of age, she's learning what it's like to have him as a dad. She calls me a lot about the problems she has with him. She called me today joking, but not really, that she's expected to not have any friends.

She was also telling me about Dad reading over her shoulder and now he's threatening to get some spy ware stuff to read her msn conversations.

IMO I think you should trust your kids and let them be people. Yes, there is a time and place to step in, but you can't be so controlling. Sometimes I think I was ruined and destined to fail moving off to college because I was living in such a controlled environment. I hardly went out with friends because my Dad would drill me about EVERYTHING that happened. He wouldn't just accuse me of doing things, he would TELL me I did bad things when I was out with my friends!

I had a TERRIBLE first semester and did a lot of partying and a lot of skipping class, among other things I regret. Now that I'm in my third year of college and out of the partying faze, I've gone back to being a hermit crab with no friends. I'm 100% honest when I say my SO is my best friend and my only other friends are on TCS! I just can't bring myself to make friends and want to hang out with them rather than stay at home. And yes I know...that's not healthy.
 

theimp98

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Ok, yes in some way he went a little to far with you, and sounds like he is doing the samething here. Kinda like how my father made it so that i never invited people over to the house.

but when it comes to the computer, someone needs to be checking out who there kid is talking to. You cant just give them total access. "spy ware stuff to read her msn conversations" you mean its not already installed?

Sorry, but when it comes to the internet, the mother or father need to know what there kids are doing on the net.

As my friend found out. Middle of the night, i started getting message from him, of course it only took a couple of messages for me to see it was not him. I asked and found out that it was his then 14 years old Daughter. She had no idea who she was talking to, She was just sending messages to someone that was on her dad email list.(she was using his pc cause her pc was broken then)

He moved the pc from her bedroom to the family room, and then installed controlls on the pc. Only to find out that she had posted a myspace profile, saying she was 18, and that she had been chating with 34 year old guy in denver, on msn.
 

taterbug

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The way the world is now, I say YES!
But, the parent needs to remember how THEY were at that age and only react when they see danger signs.
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by taterbug

The way the world is now, I say YES!
But, the parent needs to remember how THEY were at that age and only react when they see danger signs.
Yep


You need to trust your kids and give them some privacy. They should never feel like they have to sneak around. All constant spying and snooping will do is make the kid start to lie and hide things. That's when they get into trouble. And because they lied about what they were doing, if they do run into trouble, they are less likely to talk to their parents about it.
 

laureen227

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let me preface this by saying i don't have any skin kids...

but if it's made clear to the child that these communications are NOT to be considered private, then it's ok. however, i would make sure that the child was aware of this restriction first. then, i probably would not read EVERY email/message - but i would occasionally [w/o prior notice] read some of them.

with the prevalence of online predators, + the gullibility of children [i consider minors to be children, btw] i would feel it my parental duty to keep informed of who my child was communicating with, as well as the nature of those communications. to me, this falls under the duty to protect the minor child.

true, most of these would be to/from friends - but even friends [especially those not similarly monitored] can send attachments & messages i might not want my child to see or have access to. there's also no guarantee that an adult could use a friend of my child's email to gain access to my child.

i'm cynical, & i work w/children - i believe protection of them to be of paramount importance, & said protection outweighs privacy.

however, i would NOT read a private journal... unless i felt that my child was suicidal or had some other deep, psychological problem. in that case, the protection aspect would again prevail.
 

cococat

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Yes, I do think it is okay. But the situation you talked about seems extreme.
 

glitch

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Well, when I was younger my mother read my e-mail and my diaries, I took it as an invasion of my privacy and really still do I think... There are just somethings that parents dont need to know! As my kids get older I understand why she did it, but I dont think it was justified or excusable really! It made me want to sneak out and do things without her there and made me feel unable to talk to her. I dont see the reasoning on even letting a child use the internet if you're going to read through everything! There is exceptions to every rule, but if the kids are doing well in school and not getting in trouble with the law I dont see any reason to invade their privacy! Especially at such a critical age! Everything that happens then will be remembered! Thats just my opinion tho and I had an awful childhood so what do I know
 

calico2222

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I think a lot depends on the age of the child, but I do the parents have to at least monitor what their child it doing.

On girl I work with has 2 kids that are just becoming teenagers (boy 14 and a girl 12). They've had their own email accounts for a few years, but she insists on having the password and she only checks it occasionally to make sure it still works. She scans the emails to see if everything is coming from someone she knows, but doesn't normally open them unless something seems not right. She also insists on their passwords and usernames for any chat program downloaded. And she will NOT get them their own computer with internet access until they absolutely need it. I think just knowing that mom has their password will help stop some things, but of course they can delete something before logging off and clear history...but at least it's something.

This would be harder to do if the child was older, because he/she would be talking about being "almost an adult"...hence, more observance is probably needed!

I think limiting computer access is fine, unless research is needed for homework.

Basically, this is why I have cats and dogs instead of kids...I wouldn't want to deal with these problems! And, as far as I know, Harley hasn't set up his own MySpace page (although he did once pee on the keyboard, so maybe that was his way of doing it!
)
 

kittkatt

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Yep


You need to trust your kids and give them some privacy. They should never feel like they have to sneak around. All constant spying and snooping will do is make the kid start to lie and hide things. That's when they get into trouble. And because they lied about what they were doing, if they do run into trouble, they are less likely to talk to their parents about it.


I respected my son's privacy while raising him. That's not to say that I didn't keep an eye on him and pay attention to what he was doing, but I didn't go nosing around in his personal stuff unless I thought I had a reason to suspect something. Kids will definitely sneak around if they're not given some respect & trust. I think I probably did the "right" thing while raising him, b/c while his friends were out sneaking around behind their parents' back and lying to them, my son would tell me just about everything, w/o fear of being punished for telling the truth or confiding in me.

I think it's necessary to a certain extent to moniter your kids' computer habits - especially with all that's occurring now-a-days, but I think their e-mails should be a private affair...unless there is a reason to suspect some harmful activity. I know I would resent it if someone was snooping through my personal stuff - even though there's nothing to "hide". Everyone deserves their privacy.

I think your dad took things overboard, Enzo. It's too bad that you had to endure such a childhood. My dad was a control freak, too, and we had no privacy, either. He would think we were "up to something" even if we shut the door to use the bathroom.
 

starryeyedtiger

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I will absolutely descretly snoop on my children when I have them! My mom never even bothered looking and half the stuff I was getting into online and as a result I probaby talked to people I shouldn't have and got into things I shouldn't have. Rephrase that, I did!

My mom's complacancy and total lack of basic computer knowledge gave me free reins to do whatever I wanted online. And looking back now as an adult, that was really just not ok. She should have told me no on certain things and restricted what I had access to on a certain degree.

I do not plan to be an overbearing, control-freak as a parent, but I will certainly strive to find a good balance between giving my child a bit of freedom and trust and also making sure that they aren't straying into thing they don't need to be. There has to be balance...but at the end of the day a parent is a parent....not a friend...so yes, you may upset a child checking up on them once in a while but it sure beats them getting themselves into bad situations by trying to be a friend constantly and not parent- they will not respect you if you do that and will not learn the discipline and boundaries they need so they thrive later on.

I don't think a parent should be unapproachable and scare the child so much that they can not place trust in them - that is yet another inapporpriate extreme...but I do think it's possible to be a good parent and still have a good appropriate relationship with a child.

Also- all computers in this house that we let our future children use will be kept in the kitchen, not in bedrooms....so that we can supervise a little better. (We're actually getting two "message centers" build in our kitchen soon for that specific purpose- so we can put computers in them (right now just my laptop- dh has his office) and so I have storage for kitchen things. They will also be the study areas for our children when we have them.
 

fastnoc

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I don't think it's right to read them. It's private. There's a time and place for everything. I think if you're investigating a crime it'd be ok, but only to investigate. Other than some drastic situation like that, no I don't think it's right. It also instills in the children that if you have control over someone you can invade that privacy and it's OK. well it's not, and I certainly wouldn't want my kid growing up with that philosophy.

I don't know. that's just my thought.
 

algebrapro18

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Coming from someone who has made A LOT of mistakes with this, I know its going to be VERY hard for me to trust my kids on the internet because I know whats out there for them to find and I DO NOT want them finding it. The internet is a very dangerous place if you don't know what your doing, or maybe more so if you do. But there has to be some trust otherwise the kids will just do things behind the parents back. With the way teenagers are today I really understand how parents can be so protective and when I see people who get in trouble my first quesiton is where are the parents. Why aren't you seeing that your daughter/son is up at 3 in the morning talking with people they don't know, or if you know(you would kind of have to) why aren't you doing anything about it. I refuse to be one of those parents who lets there kids do what ever they want on the internet because trust me it only leads to more trouble than the kid, and currently probably the parent can ever understand.

Back to your origonal post, I understand were your dad is coming from but yes he did go to far. I am sure he has heard the true horror stories about the internet and doesn't want that to happen to his daughters, but by standing over you he is only going to make you want to rebel more. Thats the constant struggle of being a parent of a teenager, you know how much trouble they can get into so you want to prevent it, but the more you step in the more the teen wants to rebel. Thats why that age is horrible for everyone involved, not just the kids but the parents to. Especially after(depending on when the defiant age starts) you have between 10-13 years of being able to parent by stepping in and they kids listen to you and think nothing of it.
 
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EnzoLeya

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Yep


You need to trust your kids and give them some privacy. They should never feel like they have to sneak around. All constant spying and snooping will do is make the kid start to lie and hide things. That's when they get into trouble. And because they lied about what they were doing, if they do run into trouble, they are less likely to talk to their parents about it.
It does make kids want to sneak around, that's the only way they can do anything!

Originally Posted by glitch

Well, when I was younger my mother read my e-mail and my diaries, I took it as an invasion of my privacy and really still do I think... There are just somethings that parents dont need to know! As my kids get older I understand why she did it, but I dont think it was justified or excusable really! It made me want to sneak out and do things without her there and made me feel unable to talk to her. I dont see the reasoning on even letting a child use the internet if you're going to read through everything! There is exceptions to every rule, but if the kids are doing well in school and not getting in trouble with the law I dont see any reason to invade their privacy! Especially at such a critical age! Everything that happens then will be remembered! Thats just my opinion tho and I had an awful childhood so what do I know
So true.... Parents should monitor what a child is looking at on the internet and help them set up any accounts they might need/want. It's hard to say what's the right thing because there are dangers, but there's the danger of your child not trusting you and sneaking around instead. If I would have trusted my parents more I probably would have talked to them about a few really bad situations I got myself into.

Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

I will absolutely descretly snoop on my children when I have them! My mom never even bothered looking and half the stuff I was getting into online and as a result I probaby talked to people I shouldn't have and got into things I shouldn't have. Rephrase that, I did!

My mom's complacancy and total lack of basic computer knowledge gave me free reins to do whatever I wanted online. And looking back now as an adult, that was really just not ok. She should have told me no on certain things and restricted what I had access to on a certain degree.

I do not plan to be an overbearing, control-freak as a parent, but I will certainly strive to find a good balance between giving my child a bit of freedom and trust and also making sure that they aren't straying into thing they don't need to be. There has to be balance...but at the end of the day a parent is a parent....not a friend...so yes, you may upset a child checking up on them once in a while but it sure beats them getting themselves into bad situations by trying to be a friend constantly and not parent- they will not respect you if you do that and will not learn the discipline and boundaries they need so they thrive later on.

I don't think a parent should be unapproachable and scare the child so much that they can not place trust in them - that is yet another inapporpriate extreme...but I do think it's possible to be a good parent and still have a good appropriate relationship with a child.

Also- all computers in this house that we let our future children use will be kept in the kitchen, not in bedrooms....so that we can supervise a little better. (We're actually getting two "message centers" build in our kitchen soon for that specific purpose- so we can put computers in them (right now just my laptop- dh has his office) and so I have storage for kitchen things. They will also be the study areas for our children when we have them.
That's where my dad went wrong!!! This is the same sister that got a laptop for Christmas last year (at the age of 12). Computers should be limited to dinning room/kitchen/living room. A child is MUCH less likely to get into trouble out in the open. And yes computer time should be limited.

You make a lot of great points!

Originally Posted by fastnoc

I don't think it's right to read them. It's private. There's a time and place for everything. I think if you're investigating a crime it'd be ok, but only to investigate. Other than some drastic situation like that, no I don't think it's right. It also instills in the children that if you have control over someone you can invade that privacy and it's OK. well it's not, and I certainly wouldn't want my kid growing up with that philosophy.

I don't know. that's just my thought.
You're very right, it is private, no matter what your age. Would you want your mom reading your emails, or your intimate conversations with friends or SO's? There's not much of a difference other than safety of a child if they are talking to people they shouldn't be.

Originally Posted by algebrapro18

Coming from someone who has made A LOT of mistakes with this, I know its going to be VERY hard for me to trust my kids on the internet because I know whats out there for them to find and I DO NOT want them finding it. The internet is a very dangerous place if you don't know what your doing, or maybe more so if you do. But there has to be some trust otherwise the kids will just do things behind the parents back. With the way teenagers are today I really understand how parents can be so protective and when I see people who get in trouble my first quesiton is where are the parents. Why aren't you seeing that your daughter/son is up at 3 in the morning talking with people they don't know, or if you know(you would kind of have to) why aren't you doing anything about it. I refuse to be one of those parents who lets there kids do what ever they want on the internet because trust me it only leads to more trouble than the kid, and currently probably the parent can ever understand.

Back to your origonal post, I understand were your dad is coming from but yes he did go to far. I am sure he has heard the true horror stories about the internet and doesn't want that to happen to his daughters, but by standing over you he is only going to make you want to rebel more. Thats the constant struggle of being a parent of a teenager, you know how much trouble they can get into so you want to prevent it, but the more you step in the more the teen wants to rebel. Thats why that age is horrible for everyone involved, not just the kids but the parents to. Especially after(depending on when the defiant age starts) you have between 10-13 years of being able to parent by stepping in and they kids listen to you and think nothing of it.
Lots of good points! I'm so glad you guys agree that my dad was a bit too overpowering!




Parenting is so complex, I'm glad I'm not a mom yet!
 

libby74

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but if it's made clear to the child that these communications are NOT to be considered private, then it's ok. however, i would make sure that the child was aware of this restriction first. then, i probably would not read EVERY email/message - but i would occasionally [w/o prior notice] read some of them.
That's the way it works in my house. My DD has even given me her passwords to some accounts (others I've figured out). The way DH & I see it, we bought the computer, we pay for the internet and the electricity that run that computer, and as long as it's in our home we have the right to look at our investment. In fact, I just spent 2 hours straightening out the dreaded youtube message "your javascript is turned off and your flash needs updating." It wasn't, it didn't, and now it's ok. If I didn't have access to DD's pc, it still wouldn't be working.

Having admitted that I do check DD's emails, facebook, and texts occasionally (and she knows it) I also have to admit that when I was a teenager my folks read my diary. For some reason, I find that to be a totally different situation. Maybe the difference is DD knows I'll check into things, my folks violated my privacy without any warning at all. Then again, maybe I check on her because I know what a wild child I was.
The fact that DD has given me her passwords says a lot about our relationship.
 

dixie_darlin

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I don't have much input on this because my son just got his first computer.
He's 10 almost 11yrs old.

I have Parental Control on it but I don't have any keyloggers or anything like that..... yet


We have rules to abide by with the computer. It's a laptop so at night, before he goes to bed, the laptop is brought into my room.

I do this because I know it's very easy to stay up on the internet all night long (especially TCS
)

On the weekends, we're more lieniant with it.
He also knows he's not allowed to have it until his homework and chores are done.
If they're not done, he doesn't get it for that day. Like right now, he has chosen to work on the truck with Brandon instead of doing his homework so he doesn't get his laptop tonite
 

clairebear

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In my opinion it's not okay to continually snoop through your children's conversations. Parent's need to develop an open and honest relationship with their kids, by doing so the child will feel safe coming to them if something is wrong. If the parent disregards the kids right to privacy it's going to make the child feel they have to hide everything. Or like in your case it's going to make having friends difficult. My parents were always concerned about my life when I was a kid, they'd ask questions and pay attention to my behavior, but they never snooped in my conversations.
 

brandi

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While I agree that children need privacy I do believe that it is ok for a parent to read the conversations as well as add spyware if needed my mom had Spector on my computer growing up she never stood over me and read them but she did check them out...then it drove me nuts now I believe it is a good thing. I was young stupid and doing things that could have easily gotten me killed.
 

libby74

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DH & I were discussing this last night, after I'd already posted that I do, indeed, read DD's emails, facebook, myspace, etc from time to time. It occurred to both of us---if it's out there for millions of people across the world to read it's ok for us to read it, too.
I also check the history on DD's laptop occasionally. That's how I discovered my teenage daughter had visited several "adults only dating sites"shocked:
She didn't realize (apparently) what 'adults only' meant; after I explained she assures me she hasn't been back
:
Sometimes you just have to check on them for their own good.
 

lauracatlover

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One of my ex-friend's mom and dad. They come over whilst she's on msn and read what peeps are saying in the convo. But anyway, she's an ex-friend, so I'm just not gonna speak about her


On msn there is a 'history' button where you can either show or hide the conversations that you'v had before. Has your sis used this? That way, he couldn't really spy on her, as the history won't have been saved


IMO I don't think watching over their shoulder is a good thing to do, that way they will deliberately do the opposite of what you say. My parents are nothing like that, all they want me to do is make sure I don't add anybody I don't know.

 
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