Need advice ASAP daughter called in tears

butzie

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Our lovely daughter, Jen, has called us in tears yesterday and this morning. She is a senior at college and she has never called in tears before. She says that she is exhausted and needs sleep. I asked if it was school work or work at the library (She has worked at the library since freshman year and works at Barnes and Noble summers and breaks). She says it is the library and she can't get a substitute because no one does that anymore.
I think that she is exhausted because she is student teaching all this semester. She has done this 2 other semesters, but this one matters the most and she has more responsibility.
Anyway, should I call the library and tell them that she is exhausted and she needs sleep? I was going to ask them to say that she looks really tired and to go back to the dorm (they all live on campus at Elmira College) and they will cover for her? Do you think she will know I called? Actually, I think that she will.
We told her to take some Melatonin to help her sleep better when she does go to bed.
She is in NY and we are in CA. Any advice would be greatly appreciated because she has never sounded like this.
 

theimp98

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hate to say this, but She is adult now right? its her choice.
and yes , i am sure her boss would be very upset, and demand to know why her mother was calling her job. ( we fired a guy whose wife called to say what day he could work, and what days he needed off)

now there is nothing wrong with you bugging her to take a day off and get some sleep.
and how much sleep is she getting?

sounds like she could be finding her limit of how much she can take on at once?
i hope you can talk her into getting some sleep, and finding a way to lighten her load up some.
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by theimp98

hate to say this, but She is adult now right? its her choice.
and yes , i am sure her boss would be very upset, and demand to know why her mother was calling her job. ( we fired a guy whose wife called to say what day he could work, and what days he needed off)

now there is nothing wrong with you bugging her to take a day off and get some sleep.
and how much sleep is she getting?

sounds like she could be finding her limit of how much she can take on at once?
i hope you can talk her into getting some sleep, and finding a way to lighten her load up some.
I agree. She is an adult and needs to handle this herself.

You can be her sounding board and give her Motherly advice, but in the end what she does is entirely up to her.
 

whiteforest

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Agreed, it's her responsibility to rectify the situation. It would be very unprofessional on her part and yours if you called them.
 

trillcat

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Your daughter sound like she does need to de-stress, but you cant do that for her. You can be there for her, though miles away a voice on the phone is good. Don't call her work, unless you want her fired. I have also fired people that have others call in for them, I hated myself but I had no choice. (manager of a retail photo lab)
Does she have any vaccation time coming to her? She sound like a good girl who has just taken on too much at one time, would you be willing to help her out a bit it she quits one of her jobs? She could also take a mild sleep medicine if thats what it takes to get her some rest.
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by Trillcat

Don't call her work, unless you want her fired. I have also fired people that have others call in for them, I hated myself but I had no choice. (manager of a retail photo lab)
I hope that you make exceptions to that rule


For example. If I'm sick and can't make it to work, I call. However, in 2004 I was so sick that I ended up being taken to the hospital by ambulance. So I couldn't call. My brother's ex-wife phoned my place of work and told them what was going on with me and to mark me ill for at least 2 weeks. Turns out it was more like 4 years!
 
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butzie

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I had already decided not to call the college, which I think that I said that I think that she would know. Just my way to relate what went first through my head.

Jen is so mature in some ways. She waited until 21 to drink outside wine on Shabbat. She never did drugs, taught Sunday school (at the synagogue), coached the swim team, was an after school nanny for 2 kids and the eldest, a girl who is a HS senior, is still her friend and they go to the movies, etc. when Jen is home.

However, she still is immature in some ways and calls us to ask us questions about what she should do and other things. e.g. she wants to not go to classes on Rosh Hasanah and Yom Kippur, but the nearest synagogue is conservative and the services to not mesh with her religious training. We told her that that was her decision. We suggested that she talk to the CFO of the college, a woman who is Jewish, about what she might recommend about alternative services. We also suggested that she take a bus to Cornell (30 minutes away) because there are lots of different services there. DH and I know because we went to Cornell.

I should mention that I have always called my Mom when things were hard for me, especially in college. Mom is too old now (see other posts) but she has always been there for me and I want to be there for Jen.
 

trillcat

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I hope that you make exceptions to that rule


For example. If I'm sick and can't make it to work, I call. However, in 2004 I was so sick that I ended up being taken to the hospital by ambulance. So I couldn't call. My brother's ex-wife phoned my place of work and told them what was going on with me and to mark me ill for at least 2 weeks. Turns out it was more like 4 years!
I did, we were a little family there, and I ended up getting fired for not calling in myself! Lost my voice, fever of 104, all that came out my mouth was a tear your eyes up high pitched squeak. Had my ex call for me and the new manager of the camera dept did not like that. I being basicaly Harpo Marx now tried to tap on the phone to indicate it was indeed me, and I squeaked, did not work.
He ended up getting fired 2 months later for stealing deposits.
 

katachtig

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Originally Posted by butzie

me.

However, she still is immature in some ways and calls us to ask us questions about what she should do and other things. e.g. she wants to not go to classes on Rosh Hasanah and Yom Kippur, but the nearest synagogue is conservative and the services to not mesh with her religious training. We told her that that was her decision. We suggested that she talk to the CFO of the college, a woman who is Jewish, about what she might recommend about alternative services. We also suggested that she take a bus to Cornell (30 minutes away) because there are lots of different services there. DH and I know because we went to Cornell.
I personally don't see that as immature. She is using you as a sounding board to help her make the decision.
 

trillcat

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I know almost nothing about Jusiasim, (sp, sorry) but it sounds like you are pushing your child very hard. Can she not worship her God in her home, in a private ceremony? WHy would you tell the already stressed out, too much to do person to go 30 minutes away to seek her God?
 

blast-off-girl

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I think that she should talk to her supervisor directly and express her concerns. It will be great experience for future employment situations. In the future, she will have to discuss various matters with her superiors, so now is the best time to learn those skills.
 

going nova

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My advice as a student who is stressed most of the time and calls her mother to vent is:
listen and give advice, but allow her to set her own limits.

Just let her know that you will be there for her and if she wants/needs you to help her in any way, you will. (Maybe she just wants to vent, and doesn't actually want help.)

If you think she may be taking on too much, tell her it's OK to let something go. If she decides to not let go of any responsibilities (maybe she's the sort of person who really pushes herself), then remind her of what all the hard work is for and help her to just hang in there.
 

whiteforest

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Originally Posted by Trillcat

I know almost nothing about Jusiasim, (sp, sorry) but it sounds like you are pushing your child very hard. Can she not worship her God in her home, in a private ceremony? WHy would you tell the already stressed out, too much to do person to go 30 minutes away to seek her God?
This is during special Jewish holidays, in which she would not be attending classes and would like to participate in the traditions. I believe [Forgive me if I'm wrong, I'm not Jewish] that Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kipur involve fasting and intense prayer, so it would be a good thing to have a community, be it family, or a synagogue, for support and guidance during this time.
 
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butzie

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Originally Posted by whiteforest

This is during special Jewish holidays, in which she would not be attending classes and would like to participate in the traditions. I believe [Forgive me if I'm wrong, I'm not Jewish] that Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kipur involve fasting and intense prayer, so it would be a good thing to have a community, be it family, or a synagogue, for support and guidance during this time.
Rosh Hashanah is the New Year and is happy and Yom Kippur is the day of atonement and has fasting and it is solemn. These are the high holy days and are celebrated in the Synagogue, not necessarily with family and we are across the country from her. Thanks for knowing what they are and how important that they are.

Anyway, I found out the real reasons from her. Turns out that the library has cut back on staffing and so she is one of only two student employees. It is considered a cushy job so there are a number of candidates lining up.

What is worse is that her roommate this year has turned into a party girl (just turned 21) and she is a night owl and coming home late and not necessarily sober. She complains when Jen's alarm wakes her up when Jen has to go do her student teaching.

So, crisis adverted. She has finally shared all of this with us and we are working on helping her deal with these issues.

Also, we will see her the first weekend in Oct. for parents' weekend when she will be inducted into her third national honorary society.

BTW, we actually never pushed her to do anything. I vowed that I would never be one of those mothers (like so many around here) that pushed their kids into this and that and which college. Jen asked me for help in picking out her college. I gave her options and she liked Elmira the best. So, not pushy at all.

Going to the baseball game with the son who is still at home.

Thanks for your input. I guess I knew that it would be okay, but at the time I was just upset and I knew I could talk to all of you on TCS.
 

starryeyedtiger

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Originally Posted by butzie

Rosh Hashanah is the New Year and is happy and Yom Kippur is the day of atonement and has fasting and it is solemn. These are the high holy days and are celebrated in the Synagogue, not necessarily with family and we are across the country from her. Thanks for knowing what they are and how important that they are.

Anyway, I found out the real reasons from her. Turns out that the library has cut back on staffing and so she is one of only two student employees. It is considered a cushy job so there are a number of candidates lining up.

What is worse is that her roommate this year has turned into a party girl (just turned 21) and she is a night owl and coming home late and not necessarily sober. She complains when Jen's alarm wakes her up when Jen has to go do her student teaching.

So, crisis adverted. She has finally shared all of this with us and we are working on helping her deal with these issues.

Also, we will see her the first weekend in Oct. for parents' weekend when she will be inducted into her third national honorary society.

BTW, we actually never pushed her to do anything. I vowed that I would never be one of those mothers (like so many around here) that pushed their kids into this and that and which college. Jen asked me for help in picking out her college. I gave her options and she liked Elmira the best. So, not pushy at all.

Going to the baseball game with the son who is still at home.

Thanks for your input. I guess I knew that it would be okay, but at the time I was just upset and I knew I could talk to all of you on TCS.
Rosemary I'm glad she opened up to you and let you know what was really going on
I hope she's able to take a small break for herself soon just to rest a bit.

On a side note- has she ever had her thyroid levels checked? If she's constantly tired, that may be something for her to look into.

One side of my family is Jewish as well so I definitely understand the importance of those holidays to her. Maybe she will be able to find a good place she will enjoy going to and meet some new friends. It might be good for her to find some new friends she has things in common with (since her roommate is going in a different direction than she is).
 

gailc

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When you visit her ask her if she has been eating regular meals. If she is eating more "junk" foods/fast food, soda etc... (basically more refined foods not enough fruits/veggie) that could be contributing to her being more tired. Also exercising will help with stress too.
 

calico2222

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Originally Posted by butzie

However, she still is immature in some ways and calls us to ask us questions about what she should do and other things.
Hon, that doesn't make her immature, that makes her a daughter that respects your opinions. Be grateful for that! It sounds to me like you raised a very level headed and mature young woman that is still true to her heritage and family. That's definitely something to be proud of!

I'm glad you finally got to the bottom of things. How many more semesters does she have? Is there any way she could request a new roommate or even try to get in a single room or live off campus? In college I had a "party girl" as a roommate, and she would stumble in 2:30-3:00 in the morning every night and wake me up. The next semester I requested a new roommate and it so peaceful.
 

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i did this with my mam not so long ago, i didnt want her to phone my boss and say i really think she needs some sleep i just wanted someone to vent to and sit and listen and guide me to just taking a break and listening to myself for a change rather than what everyone thinks i should be doing.
 

carolpetunia

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Originally Posted by mews2much

Can she change Roommates?
And also... your daughter sounds like an amazing overachiever! Maybe she needs "permission" to drop a responsibility here or there, to make her life more manageable...?
 
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