I feel like Mommy Dearest!

dixie_darlin · Sep 8, 2008

Originally Posted by krazy kat2

I do not generally like Dr Phil, but I do like his was of making a kid keep his room clean. Remove everything but the bed, clean clothes and a hamper. No tv, video games, nothing until everything is in its place and stayed there for a certain length of time.
I hate to say it, but my daughter's room was pig sty. I took 8 bags of trash out just to get the door open. We even shoveled stuff out the window so we would not have to take it through the house. When she got home she was livid. I kept things that I knew were important to her, and clothes I knew she liked, but everything else was gone. She was so embarrassed when I told her the huge pile of trash that would have to sit there for a week was all her junk and nasty crap. She had a whole set of dishes that I was not cleaning, so I tossed them. She no longer lives like a pig.

I've done that before!

We took his TV, phone, games, door..... everything but his bed and clothes!
For 3 weeks he sat in his room staring at the wall... it didn't phase him!

arlyn · Sep 8, 2008

My mom did the very same thing to my two older brothers.

It is affectionately referred to in our family as "Pulling a Mom"

Honestly, it worked, and it not only worked for them, but, simply hearing the horror stories from our brothers kept my sister and I in line as far as keeping our bedrooms clean.

We did not have TVs or video games in our rooms, TV was for the family room only (my how times have changed), but my brothers had slot cars, lots of very tiny parts, and having everything dumped in the middle of their room scared them silly as far as those slot cars went

ldg · Sep 8, 2008

Wow were my parents liberal or what?

We lived in a three bedroom house and there were three of us kids, so my parents' room was what was supposed to be a den or something on the first floor. They simply never came upstairs. If we were sick, we spent the day on the couch.

We had to bring down our laundry until high school, when we became responsible for washing and dealing with our own clothes.

In fact, when I turned 14 (the legal age to work?) my mom took me to the bank, opened up a checking account for me, had one of the bank people teach me about balancing the checkbook, and then put it in my entire budget for the year - for school clothes, books, a burger with friends - whatever. At the time (1977) it was $300. If I wanted to use different shampoo or conditioner or whatever than they used, I had to buy it myself. And if I ran out of money, too bad, I had to get a job and earn it.

And that was that. I got a job.

But as to the room thing - I was really a neat freak until I was about 12 and totally got into clothes - and then I turned into a total pig. You had to wade through my room. But I never had food or dishes up there. It was just insanely messy. But it never bothered my folks, because they never went upstairs!

Once I moved out on my own (when I left for college), I had to clean up everything, and take what I wanted with me and get rid of the rest or pack it to be stored. ....and I became a neat freak again!

Of course, I didn't have my own TV or video games (which didn't exist then) - I had clothes and books.

I don't know what advice there is in this. But I think I'd either let it completely be - its his space - or I'd go for the "you have to earn" all the extra stuff.

Sorry his dad and his grandparents sabotage your efforts though. That really sucks.

Laurie

forensic · Sep 8, 2008

You know? When I was edging up on teenager-dom, I told my parents to knock before entering. They did. They told me to clean my room, I didn't. They never came in and TRASHED the place.

And you know what? I felt TRUSTED. I felt SAFE.

I think you over-reacted.

sarahp · Sep 8, 2008

I think a kid has to learn to take responsibilities, and keeping their room tidy is part of it. It doesn't have to be "clean", but it has to be tidy.

Does he have a big trash can in there? Does he have his own laundry hamper? Does he have lots of storage areas? I would make it as easy as possible for him to keep the main things where it should be (dirty laundry, trash etc), and not allow food and drinks in there.

I remember when I was a kid, my mum went through my room while I was away, and found some gross stuff I had left in a drawer, and I was sooooo embarrassed. It didn't ruin me emotionally - I just made sure I kept it cleaner!

laureen227 · Sep 8, 2008

i'll tell you something - i'm not a neat person, but if my child was slamming his door over & over for ANY reason, that door would be gone tout de suite! i'd probably tan his hide for good measure, as well.
but that's me - i think some actions deserve corporal punishment... disrespect for authority is one of them.

dixie_darlin · Sep 8, 2008

Originally Posted by Forensic

You know? When I was edging up on teenager-dom, I told my parents to knock before entering. They did. They told me to clean my room, I didn't. They never came in and TRASHED the place.

And you know what? I felt TRUSTED. I felt SAFE.

I think you over-reacted.

Not when a child slams a door in an adults face..

Originally Posted by sarahp

I think a kid has to learn to take responsibilities, and keeping their room tidy is part of it. It doesn't have to be "clean", but it has to be tidy.

Does he have a big trash can in there? Does he have his own laundry hamper? Does he have lots of storage areas? I would make it as easy as possible for him to keep the main things where it should be (dirty laundry, trash etc), and not allow food and drinks in there.

I remember when I was a kid, my mum went through my room while I was away, and found some gross stuff I had left in a drawer, and I was sooooo embarrassed. It didn't ruin me emotionally - I just made sure I kept it cleaner!

He has all that

He just chooses to fill it with junk and stuffed animals instead of what it's supposed to be used for.

Originally Posted by laureen227

i'll tell you something - i'm not a neat person, but if my child was slamming his door over & over for ANY reason, that door would be gone tout de suite! i'd probably tan his hide for good measure, as well.
but that's me - i think some actions deserve corporal punishment... disrespect for authority is one of them.

If he didn't almost outweigh me I prolly would have given him a what for.

natalie_ca · Sep 8, 2008

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

Whoooa - pick your battles! Most "experts" recommend you let the child's room alone. Its their room and up to them to keep it clean. Fighting and arguing over this will only lead to worse problems.

Unless there is a reason to suspect something (drugs, etc.), you should really back off. Some kids are tidy, some not.

Now if he has other chores for responsibility - that's different. You have a reason for having that done.

However, I would start teaching him how to do his own washing. Teach him how to separate things and eventually use the washer/dryer. Then its his responsiblity for clean clothes.

DH taught his boys at ages 10-12 to do their own wash. If they ran out of clean clothes - their problem - you either wash them, or you wear them dirty.

I was lucky; my son pretty much cleaned up his room and kept it that way. Our other son (DH's youngest) - was totally opposite. I swear I don't know how he found things in his room

I agree 100% with this.

missymotus · Sep 8, 2008

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I agree 100% with this.

So do I, excellent advice

rosiemac · Sep 9, 2008

Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin

Not when a child slams a door in an adults face..

That's definitely wrong.

If it was me i would let him sleep in a pig sty if he won't clean it up. And if he can't bring down his dirty clothes to be washed, then that's his fault as well.

lauracatlover · Sep 9, 2008

Originally Posted by Rosiemac

That's definitely wrong.

If it was me i would let him sleep in a pig sty if he won't clean it up. And if he can't bring down his dirty clothes to be washed, then that's his fault as well.

It's his mess, let him deal with it

"I know one thing, he's not going anywhere or doing anything until that room is clean!"

You go girl!! Keep him prisoner!

natalie_ca · Sep 9, 2008

When I was a kid my room was just that, mine. If I wanted to keep it clean or leave it messy, that was up to me. My Mom even allowed me to decorate it the way I wanted it to be.

We had a rule in our house, no eating anywhere but in the kitchen, so that meant no taking food or dishes into your room, so dirty dishes shoved under the bed was never an issue.

My room got really messy and dirty but then eventually I cleaned it up. But she never demanded that I do it.

I did however have regular things around the house that were my responsibility to do and she made definite points to remind me of those. Mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen twice a week.

If your son doesn't bring down his dirty laundry, put a laundry bag on door knob of one of the doors upstairs. Ask him to put his dirty laundry into the bag. Let him know that if it's not in the bag it doesn't get washed.

stampit3d · Sep 9, 2008

Call CLEAN HOUSE on him!!!! (or help him to do something similar with a totally NEW ROOM)
Maybe a neat and fresh start would incourage him to want to keep it that way.
Linda

fwan · Sep 9, 2008

You need to change the house rules.

My first rule is that we don't eat in the bedroom, it annoys me, it gets dirtier much quicker. And frankly its just gross.

Secondly he is a teenager, he is going to test you, as much as you're gonna hate it just let the bedroom pile up until he gets real sick of it.
Even better leave something smelly under his bed til he cant take it anymore!

dixie_darlin · Sep 9, 2008

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

When I was a kid my room was just that, mine. If I wanted to keep it clean or leave it messy, that was up to me. My Mom even allowed me to decorate it the way I wanted it to be.

We had a rule in our house, no eating anywhere but in the kitchen, so that meant no taking food or dishes into your room, so dirty dishes shoved under the bed was never an issue.

My room got really messy and dirty but then eventually I cleaned it up. But she never demanded that I do it.

I did however have regular things around the house that were my responsibility to do and she made definite points to remind me of those. Mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen twice a week.

If your son doesn't bring down his dirty laundry, put a laundry bag on door knob of one of the doors upstairs. Ask him to put his dirty laundry into the bag. Let him know that if it's not in the bag it doesn't get washed.

I went out and bought special clothes hampers for both the boys

They're set right inside thier doors.

Originally Posted by stampit3d

Call CLEAN HOUSE on him!!!! (or help him to do something similar with a totally NEW ROOM)
Maybe a neat and fresh start would incourage him to want to keep it that way.
Linda

With us moving here to the new house and him getting a much bigger room, i figured he would be able to keep it cleaner... boy, was I wrong

He has a new bad, new desk, new computer... lots of new things and he promised he would take care of it.

His dad showed up last night to pick him up. I wasn't happy about him showing up because I said he needed to clean his room.
I didn't know he was coming in the first place. I ran to pick up Brandon from work not even a mile away and when we got back, he was here, in Justice's room..... HELPING HIM CLEAN UP!!

I was livid!

He tried to undermind me in my own house! I quickly told him it was my house and that I refused to let it be nasty!
I'm glad Brandon was there because my ex looked at him and said "Well, what do you think?"
Brandon said "I'm with her on this one. We can't allow it to be nasty"

2 1/2 hours later, him and his dad were still here cleaning and it wasn't done.
His dad said he wasn't helping him, he was just "motivating" him

I pulled him aside and asked him when Justice is 25 and living on his own if he was going to clean his apartment for him, or do his laundry or even go to his job and do the work for him! Because if he continued to do these things for him, then that's what's going to end up happening.

They left after that and told Justice when he gets home today he has to finish it.. on his own....

I hope so..

Let me add, I don't allow the kids to eat outside of the dining room.
The only thing I allow is if we're watching a movie or TV in the living room, I will let them have popcorn or chips.
Otherwise, no food or drinks in thier rooms!

natalie_ca · Sep 9, 2008

Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin

Let me add, I don't allow the kids to eat outside of the dining room.
The only thing I allow is if we're watching a movie or TV in the living room, I will let them have popcorn or chips.
Otherwise, no food or drinks in thier rooms!

He must be sneaking it in because in your original post you mentioned that he puts dishes in the dresser drawers.

rosiemac · Sep 10, 2008

Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin

when we got back, he was here, in Justice's room..... HELPING HIM CLEAN UP!!

Pfffttt i'd get that knocked on the head as well. He shouldn't be entering your house without your say so

libby74 · Sep 10, 2008

I just browsed thru the past few pages, so you may have already received this advice from someone else. If so, please ignore me completely!

I think the issue here is a whole lot more than not keeping the room clean. It seems as if Justice has anger and jealousy issues. You mentioned he's seen a therapist, so you've obviously tried that route. It also appears that Justice's dad is a marshmallow (or is he just doing the opposite of what you want

?) Plus, when you list all the odd things Justice has in his room---the broken stepping stone, lightbulbs, etc) it sounds as if he's hoarding. He's switched schools recently---he may be feeling insecure and keeping things that mean something to him as a sort of safety net. Keeping all those strange items in his room is his way of controlling the situation; after all, a 10 year old doesn't have much control of his environment. His room becomes the only thing he CAN control. (I believe studies show that's why some girls develop eating disorders)

I think Justice needs a mixture of tough love and plain old 'mothering' for lack of a better term. No child would slam a door in my face in my house--period. They wouldn't scream at the top of his lungs at me, either. I know you've taken the door away before and you said it didn't faze him. I'm 99% sure it did; he just didn't want to be the first to blink. Ditto with the tv, video games, etc. I would clean out his room of all things "fun" and he would have to earn them back. On the flip side, I would allow him to keep some of his odd collection, provided he keeps it tidy. Get him a bookcase or shelves or bins so he can "display" his garbage---I mean items.

He has a new bad, new desk, new computer... lots of new things and he promised he would take care of it.

No child should have a computer in his room; it needs to be in a communal space so that his Mom can keep an eye on what he's doing.

Above all, keep your calm when he's throwing a tantrum. Yeah, I know how hard that is (I have a teenage daughter

) Walk away and let the situation difuse a little. If he follows you tell him you will not talk to him until he calms down---and mean it. You've probably heard the old saying---kids want rules so they know their boundaries. Set the rules and stick to them.

For the 'plain old mothering' I mentioned earlier---if Justice is jealous of his younger brother, try to find time to spend with him by himself, not little brother tagging along. If nothing else just go for a walk with him; let him know he has your undivided attention. EVen if you walk in silence for 20 minutes, at least it's just the 2 of you. Don't make it a reward for doing chores or whatever, make it 'just because you want to spend time with him.

Now throw your ex into the mix and everything gets harder. The man is not doing his son any favors by letting him do whatever & helping him out at every turn. Can you sit down with him and discuss your concerns---no yelling, no name calling, no accusing. This is, after all, your son you're talking about and he needs consistency in his life. Children need structure, and they need it from both parents.

Bottom line--I think Justice is one confused & angry little boy who doesn't know what's expected of him in his 2 worlds (your house & your ex's house). You 2 desperately need to be on the same page to be able to help Justice thru this. Best of luck trying to make his Dad follow thru.

psjauntie · Sep 10, 2008

OMG my mother would have kicked my butt if I ever slammed a door in her face. True she is still taller than I am but she would still kick my butt if I everslammed a door in her face and I am 46. I think it is a matter of no respect, and that is not your fault if your ex and your mom are letting him get away with this behavior and doing everything for him. I suspect this is probably why he is your ex. My stepson could do as he pleased at his mom's house but he knew his room needed to be cleaned at my house, my house my rules. He does most of the cleaning at his own house now that he is married

My 3 year granddaughter cleans her room, or she gets tv/toys taken away. His new room was clean when you moved in it should stay that way IMHO. Stick to your guns!!!

dixie_darlin · Sep 10, 2008

Originally Posted by libby74

I just browsed thru the past few pages, so you may have already received this advice from someone else. If so, please ignore me completely!

I think the issue here is a whole lot more than not keeping the room clean. It seems as if Justice has anger and jealousy issues. You mentioned he's seen a therapist, so you've obviously tried that route. It also appears that Justice's dad is a marshmallow (or is he just doing the opposite of what you want

?) Plus, when you list all the odd things Justice has in his room---the broken stepping stone, lightbulbs, etc) it sounds as if he's hoarding. He's switched schools recently---he may be feeling insecure and keeping things that mean something to him as a sort of safety net. Keeping all those strange items in his room is his way of controlling the situation; after all, a 10 year old doesn't have much control of his environment. His room becomes the only thing he CAN control. (I believe studies show that's why some girls develop eating disorders)
His room has always been this way. Even before we moved. But I'm 100% positive it is because he can control it.
I think Justice needs a mixture of tough love and plain old 'mothering' for lack of a better term. No child would slam a door in my face in my house--period. They wouldn't scream at the top of his lungs at me, either. I know you've taken the door away before and you said it didn't faze him. I'm 99% sure it did; he just didn't want to be the first to blink. Ditto with the tv, video games, etc. I would clean out his room of all things "fun" and he would have to earn them back. On the flip side, I would allow him to keep some of his odd collection, provided he keeps it tidy. Get him a bookcase or shelves or bins so he can "display" his garbage---I mean items.
We've done that about 6 months ago. I gave him 2 boxes and told him what he wanted to keep went into the boxes. Everything else is trash
Above all, keep your calm when he's throwing a tantrum. Yeah, I know how hard that is (I have a teenage daughter

) Walk away and let the situation difuse a little. If he follows you tell him you will not talk to him until he calms down---and mean it. You've probably heard the old saying---kids want rules so they know their boundaries. Set the rules and stick to them.

For the 'plain old mothering' I mentioned earlier---if Justice is jealous of his younger brother, try to find time to spend with him by himself, not little brother tagging along. If nothing else just go for a walk with him; let him know he has your undivided attention. EVen if you walk in silence for 20 minutes, at least it's just the 2 of you. Don't make it a reward for doing chores or whatever, make it 'just because you want to spend time with him.
I've always tried to make "Justice Time" since Deacon was born

Be it going to the store with me, going to a friends house, or running to get gas.. we have "our" time.
Now throw your ex into the mix and everything gets harder. The man is not doing his son any favors by letting him do whatever & helping him out at every turn. Can you sit down with him and discuss your concerns---no yelling, no name calling, no accusing. This is, after all, your son you're talking about and he needs consistency in his life. Children need structure, and they need it from both parents.

Bottom line--I think Justice is one confused & angry little boy who doesn't know what's expected of him in his 2 worlds (your house & your ex's house). You 2 desperately need to be on the same page to be able to help Justice thru this. Best of luck trying to make his Dad follow thru.

I've tried many times over the last 7 yrs to talk to his dad about this and he refuses to see anything wrong with the situation or how he's raising Justice. But now I"m starting to see deeper into the picture here.
I have seen signs of Justice developing an eating disorder. When he gets upset or disappointed, he wants to eat. Even when he's frustrated. Last night when we were doing homework, he kept saying "I can't do it! I don't know how" and then wandered into the kitchen to get something to eat

I feel like Mommy Dearest!

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