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I feel like Mommy Dearest! - Page 2

post #31 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
That's definitely wrong.

If it was me i would let him sleep in a pig sty if he won't clean it up. And if he can't bring down his dirty clothes to be washed, then that's his fault as well.
It's his mess, let him deal with it


"I know one thing, he's not going anywhere or doing anything until that room is clean!"

You go girl!! Keep him prisoner!
post #32 of 40
When I was a kid my room was just that, mine. If I wanted to keep it clean or leave it messy, that was up to me. My Mom even allowed me to decorate it the way I wanted it to be.

We had a rule in our house, no eating anywhere but in the kitchen, so that meant no taking food or dishes into your room, so dirty dishes shoved under the bed was never an issue.

My room got really messy and dirty but then eventually I cleaned it up. But she never demanded that I do it.

I did however have regular things around the house that were my responsibility to do and she made definite points to remind me of those. Mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen twice a week.

If your son doesn't bring down his dirty laundry, put a laundry bag on door knob of one of the doors upstairs. Ask him to put his dirty laundry into the bag. Let him know that if it's not in the bag it doesn't get washed.
post #33 of 40
Call CLEAN HOUSE on him!!!! (or help him to do something similar with a totally NEW ROOM)
Maybe a neat and fresh start would incourage him to want to keep it that way.
Linda
post #34 of 40
You need to change the house rules.

My first rule is that we don't eat in the bedroom, it annoys me, it gets dirtier much quicker. And frankly its just gross.

Secondly he is a teenager, he is going to test you, as much as you're gonna hate it just let the bedroom pile up until he gets real sick of it.
Even better leave something smelly under his bed til he cant take it anymore!
post #35 of 40
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
When I was a kid my room was just that, mine. If I wanted to keep it clean or leave it messy, that was up to me. My Mom even allowed me to decorate it the way I wanted it to be.

We had a rule in our house, no eating anywhere but in the kitchen, so that meant no taking food or dishes into your room, so dirty dishes shoved under the bed was never an issue.

My room got really messy and dirty but then eventually I cleaned it up. But she never demanded that I do it.

I did however have regular things around the house that were my responsibility to do and she made definite points to remind me of those. Mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom, doing the dishes and tidying up the kitchen twice a week.

If your son doesn't bring down his dirty laundry, put a laundry bag on door knob of one of the doors upstairs. Ask him to put his dirty laundry into the bag. Let him know that if it's not in the bag it doesn't get washed.
I went out and bought special clothes hampers for both the boys
They're set right inside thier doors.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stampit3d View Post
Call CLEAN HOUSE on him!!!! (or help him to do something similar with a totally NEW ROOM)
Maybe a neat and fresh start would incourage him to want to keep it that way.
Linda
With us moving here to the new house and him getting a much bigger room, i figured he would be able to keep it cleaner... boy, was I wrong
He has a new bad, new desk, new computer... lots of new things and he promised he would take care of it.


His dad showed up last night to pick him up. I wasn't happy about him showing up because I said he needed to clean his room.
I didn't know he was coming in the first place. I ran to pick up Brandon from work not even a mile away and when we got back, he was here, in Justice's room..... HELPING HIM CLEAN UP!!

I was livid!

He tried to undermind me in my own house! I quickly told him it was my house and that I refused to let it be nasty!
I'm glad Brandon was there because my ex looked at him and said "Well, what do you think?"
Brandon said "I'm with her on this one. We can't allow it to be nasty"

2 1/2 hours later, him and his dad were still here cleaning and it wasn't done.
His dad said he wasn't helping him, he was just "motivating" him

I pulled him aside and asked him when Justice is 25 and living on his own if he was going to clean his apartment for him, or do his laundry or even go to his job and do the work for him! Because if he continued to do these things for him, then that's what's going to end up happening.

They left after that and told Justice when he gets home today he has to finish it.. on his own....

I hope so..

Let me add, I don't allow the kids to eat outside of the dining room.
The only thing I allow is if we're watching a movie or TV in the living room, I will let them have popcorn or chips.
Otherwise, no food or drinks in thier rooms!
post #36 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin View Post
Let me add, I don't allow the kids to eat outside of the dining room.
The only thing I allow is if we're watching a movie or TV in the living room, I will let them have popcorn or chips.
Otherwise, no food or drinks in thier rooms!
He must be sneaking it in because in your original post you mentioned that he puts dishes in the dresser drawers.
post #37 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin View Post
when we got back, he was here, in Justice's room..... HELPING HIM CLEAN UP!!
Pfffttt i'd get that knocked on the head as well. He shouldn't be entering your house without your say so
post #38 of 40
I just browsed thru the past few pages, so you may have already received this advice from someone else. If so, please ignore me completely!

I think the issue here is a whole lot more than not keeping the room clean. It seems as if Justice has anger and jealousy issues. You mentioned he's seen a therapist, so you've obviously tried that route. It also appears that Justice's dad is a marshmallow (or is he just doing the opposite of what you want ?) Plus, when you list all the odd things Justice has in his room---the broken stepping stone, lightbulbs, etc) it sounds as if he's hoarding. He's switched schools recently---he may be feeling insecure and keeping things that mean something to him as a sort of safety net. Keeping all those strange items in his room is his way of controlling the situation; after all, a 10 year old doesn't have much control of his environment. His room becomes the only thing he CAN control. (I believe studies show that's why some girls develop eating disorders)

I think Justice needs a mixture of tough love and plain old 'mothering' for lack of a better term. No child would slam a door in my face in my house--period. They wouldn't scream at the top of his lungs at me, either. I know you've taken the door away before and you said it didn't faze him. I'm 99% sure it did; he just didn't want to be the first to blink. Ditto with the tv, video games, etc. I would clean out his room of all things "fun" and he would have to earn them back. On the flip side, I would allow him to keep some of his odd collection, provided he keeps it tidy. Get him a bookcase or shelves or bins so he can "display" his garbage---I mean items.

Quote:
He has a new bad, new desk, new computer... lots of new things and he promised he would take care of it.
No child should have a computer in his room; it needs to be in a communal space so that his Mom can keep an eye on what he's doing.

Above all, keep your calm when he's throwing a tantrum. Yeah, I know how hard that is (I have a teenage daughter) Walk away and let the situation difuse a little. If he follows you tell him you will not talk to him until he calms down---and mean it. You've probably heard the old saying---kids want rules so they know their boundaries. Set the rules and stick to them.

For the 'plain old mothering' I mentioned earlier---if Justice is jealous of his younger brother, try to find time to spend with him by himself, not little brother tagging along. If nothing else just go for a walk with him; let him know he has your undivided attention. EVen if you walk in silence for 20 minutes, at least it's just the 2 of you. Don't make it a reward for doing chores or whatever, make it 'just because you want to spend time with him.

Now throw your ex into the mix and everything gets harder. The man is not doing his son any favors by letting him do whatever & helping him out at every turn. Can you sit down with him and discuss your concerns---no yelling, no name calling, no accusing. This is, after all, your son you're talking about and he needs consistency in his life. Children need structure, and they need it from both parents.

Bottom line--I think Justice is one confused & angry little boy who doesn't know what's expected of him in his 2 worlds (your house & your ex's house). You 2 desperately need to be on the same page to be able to help Justice thru this. Best of luck trying to make his Dad follow thru.
post #39 of 40
OMG my mother would have kicked my butt if I ever slammed a door in her face. True she is still taller than I am but she would still kick my butt if I everslammed a door in her face and I am 46. I think it is a matter of no respect, and that is not your fault if your ex and your mom are letting him get away with this behavior and doing everything for him. I suspect this is probably why he is your ex. My stepson could do as he pleased at his mom's house but he knew his room needed to be cleaned at my house, my house my rules. He does most of the cleaning at his own house now that he is married My 3 year granddaughter cleans her room, or she gets tv/toys taken away. His new room was clean when you moved in it should stay that way IMHO. Stick to your guns!!!
post #40 of 40
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by libby74 View Post
I just browsed thru the past few pages, so you may have already received this advice from someone else. If so, please ignore me completely!

I think the issue here is a whole lot more than not keeping the room clean. It seems as if Justice has anger and jealousy issues. You mentioned he's seen a therapist, so you've obviously tried that route. It also appears that Justice's dad is a marshmallow (or is he just doing the opposite of what you want ?) Plus, when you list all the odd things Justice has in his room---the broken stepping stone, lightbulbs, etc) it sounds as if he's hoarding. He's switched schools recently---he may be feeling insecure and keeping things that mean something to him as a sort of safety net. Keeping all those strange items in his room is his way of controlling the situation; after all, a 10 year old doesn't have much control of his environment. His room becomes the only thing he CAN control. (I believe studies show that's why some girls develop eating disorders)
His room has always been this way. Even before we moved. But I'm 100% positive it is because he can control it.
I think Justice needs a mixture of tough love and plain old 'mothering' for lack of a better term. No child would slam a door in my face in my house--period. They wouldn't scream at the top of his lungs at me, either. I know you've taken the door away before and you said it didn't faze him. I'm 99% sure it did; he just didn't want to be the first to blink. Ditto with the tv, video games, etc. I would clean out his room of all things "fun" and he would have to earn them back. On the flip side, I would allow him to keep some of his odd collection, provided he keeps it tidy. Get him a bookcase or shelves or bins so he can "display" his garbage---I mean items.
We've done that about 6 months ago. I gave him 2 boxes and told him what he wanted to keep went into the boxes. Everything else is trash
Above all, keep your calm when he's throwing a tantrum. Yeah, I know how hard that is (I have a teenage daughter) Walk away and let the situation difuse a little. If he follows you tell him you will not talk to him until he calms down---and mean it. You've probably heard the old saying---kids want rules so they know their boundaries. Set the rules and stick to them.

For the 'plain old mothering' I mentioned earlier---if Justice is jealous of his younger brother, try to find time to spend with him by himself, not little brother tagging along. If nothing else just go for a walk with him; let him know he has your undivided attention. EVen if you walk in silence for 20 minutes, at least it's just the 2 of you. Don't make it a reward for doing chores or whatever, make it 'just because you want to spend time with him.
I've always tried to make "Justice Time" since Deacon was born Be it going to the store with me, going to a friends house, or running to get gas.. we have "our" time.
Now throw your ex into the mix and everything gets harder. The man is not doing his son any favors by letting him do whatever & helping him out at every turn. Can you sit down with him and discuss your concerns---no yelling, no name calling, no accusing. This is, after all, your son you're talking about and he needs consistency in his life. Children need structure, and they need it from both parents.

Bottom line--I think Justice is one confused & angry little boy who doesn't know what's expected of him in his 2 worlds (your house & your ex's house). You 2 desperately need to be on the same page to be able to help Justice thru this. Best of luck trying to make his Dad follow thru.
I've tried many times over the last 7 yrs to talk to his dad about this and he refuses to see anything wrong with the situation or how he's raising Justice. But now I"m starting to see deeper into the picture here.
I have seen signs of Justice developing an eating disorder. When he gets upset or disappointed, he wants to eat. Even when he's frustrated. Last night when we were doing homework, he kept saying "I can't do it! I don't know how" and then wandered into the kitchen to get something to eat
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