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Ok...it's my turn to vent

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
I'm just so bummed. It's been one of those weeks where everything is either stressing me out or making me a nervous wreck. It all started on Saturday when my Dad and I got into a very heated screaming match. It was over something really stupid and it turned into calling names & hurting each others feelings. He point blankly told me that he doesn't want me living with my parents anymore. He told me that I do nothing to help around the house (I disagree...I do more than anyone even realizes) and he doesn't want his free loafing daughter in his house anymore. Those words hurt so badly...but in a response I called him a drunk and if I had a choice I wouldn't be living there because I can't stand him. I regret those words, but his words really hurt me. He is a truck driver is only home every 10 days and when he is home is only home for 2 or 3 days. He has no idea what I do around the house and how much I do for them. I don't pay rent, but I give them money when they are tight on money...plus I always buy the toothpaste, pick up some groceries, buy shampoo & conditioner...and those kinds of things. I never ask them to buy them...I just always do. But yet I don't contribute? So, I've been trying to find an apartment but everything is out of my price range. I should be able to find a descent apartment this summer when I finally pay off my car. Until then, it probably won't be able to happen.
So on top of all of this, Dad started a new job on Monday. He called tonight saying he ended up having an accident (he wasn't hurt...thank God!) and he lost his load on his truck. He will most likely get fired over this since Dad said it was his fault. Mom is upset and she's got a lot on her mind these days too.
Work is driving me crazy and I'm ready to just quit...but I can't and I won't.
Then on top of it all, my BF called me Monday morning and said "We need to talk about our relationship". That is usually a sign that he's breaking it off...just like last year. Our relationship is pretty rocky right now. He lives in Chicago and I live in Nebraska. We see each other once every 2 or 3 months. We used to talk at least 4 times a week...now it's once every week if I'm lucky. We've got personal issues that complicate everything on top of it all. I'm ready to throw in the towel in this relationship...but to be honest, I'm just scared of being alone...but I guess I'm already alone.
I'm just so sad right now. I just want to cry until I can not cry anymore. All of this crap is hitting me all at once and just don't think I can handle it all. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown or something...I just can not go on like this.

Thank you everyone for just listening to me. I just needed to get some of this off my chest. Thanks for listening to me ramble on about the stupid things that are happening in my life.
post #2 of 28
Aww, Shell...Sending you a big hug!

About moving out: is there a friend you can share a place with? When I first moved out on my own, I lived in a house-share for three months while I got my act together and then got my own apartment.

It is very hard to live at home when you're an adult. Your parents see their child instead of the capable woman you've grown into. I was 24 when I moved out, and it was just as hard emotionally as it was financially. But you know what? Once I was out, I couldn't believe I had waited so long to do it! Sit down and plan it out on paper and see what it would take to do it, then set a course to making it happen.

And what's even more amazing is how much for the better things change with your family after you're gone! At least in my case, my mom was suddenly glad to see me and would actually turn off the TV when I was talking to her rather than making me talk over Wheel of Fortune!
post #3 of 28
Ah Shell,I agree with mom of ten cats,is there someone you could share a place with ? As for the BF,you are the only one who can decide that.I wish I could be of more help,I am sending prayers your way.Maybe if you moved out your parnets will see you in a different way. Hang in there kiddo!
post #4 of 28
So sorry to read that you are feeling down and out. I really hope things are looking up for you very soon! Keep your chin up, and don't forget tomorrow is always a brighter day!
post #5 of 28
Awww Shell, I am so sorry you are having a rough trot. Things will get better, and hang in there. If you ever need to email me and vent out, you are more than welcome.

Here is a big hug for you

post #6 of 28
Thread Starter 
I'm almost 26 and I have lived on my own for 2 years but then I broke off my engagement to my fiance'...had no choice but to move back in. Financially, I won't be able to do it until I get my car paid off...and that's in July. As for friends, ALL my friends are married...so I would NEVER ask them about sharing a place. Almost all of my co-workers are my parents age or younger than me...so that's not an option either. I'm thinking about transferring to a different town with my job and hopefully could make more money...which would let me find a decent place. Until then...I guess I'll just have to wait.
post #7 of 28
Oh Shell,

I'm so sorry that things are hard for you right now. But don't ever think that your life and the things in it are stupid. From what I've seen about you on here, that is the farthest from the truth. There are a lot of people who care about you and what is going on in your life.

My father is a recovering alcoholic, and I know that he and I have said a lot of mean and nasty things to each other, especially when he was drinking. But now, after a lot of trauma and a lot of fighting, we can finally talk to each other (and I'm blessed to say that Dad has become one of my best friends).

As for the rest, I think Mom of 10 Cats and Sherall have good advice. Is there someone you could possibly move in with until you get your feet under you? Even moving in with someone could save you enough money for a security deposit and a first month's rent on an apartment.

Big (((Hugs))) to you!

post #8 of 28
Shell, I agree with the advice that has been given by others here. I hope things get better for you soon!
post #9 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much! You've made me cry! All of your comments are so sweet and I love you all for the things that you do for me. I know I can always come here to brighten my day.
I just sat down with Mom and had a heart to heart talk with her. We both cried and are both in disbelief. We just don't know what to do. We believe that Dad is an alcoholic, but he won't admit it. We just don't know how to get him to understand that it is not normal to drink this much. For example, he starts drinking at 9 AM and stops at 8:30 PM...one beer after another. He will easily go through as case of beer EACH day plus he goes to the bar in the morning (to visit with my GRANDPA) and then again in the afternoon. Unfortunately, I don't think he'll realize he's got a problem until his liver fails or something drastic like that. I love my Dad, but I don't love what he has become and I don't know how to get that across to him. I don't dare say that to him...he can be so unbelievably cruel at times.

Anyway...Thank you all for your loving support. You all are such wonderful people!
post #10 of 28
in the rental section of the paper there will be a section to share rentals. Maybe there is something in your price range there? I know how hard it is to live with parents and vice versa. I get along so much better with my older children now that they have moved out. I hope you can write a letter to your Dad telling him you do love him and you are hurt by what he said. Perhaps, writing it down will help you work things out. (((HUGS))) Hang in there everything will work out in the end.
post #11 of 28
Shell my mom was a alcoholic she would not admit it intill she allmost bled to death of a stomach ulcer,and was admited to a mental health ward,thats what it took for her to accept help. I don't know what the laws are in your state, can you get him in one,on your mom's say so?
post #12 of 28
Thread Starter 
As for the roommate thing in the paper, my community is quite small...almost 4000 people. Most people my age are married or for a lack of a better term "scanky". All of my classmates were smart...they got outta here when they graduated!
post #13 of 28
Thread Starter 
I don't think I could ever put him in a mental home. He is an alcoholic, but I don't think he is bad enough to go to a place like that. Maybe Detox for a little while...but the thought of a mental home is scary. Mom might talk to one of his friends (they don't talk every much anymore, but a good buds) who went to Detox 6 months ago. Maybe he can put the scare factor in to Dad. I'm sure Dads gonna be ticked off, but maybe eventually he would understand that we are doing this because we love him and we want him to be around us for many many years to come.

Has anyone ever gone to an AA for family member meeting? I'm thinking about going to a couple...it might help Mom, my brother and I understand a bit better.
post #14 of 28
About your dad, it can be very difficult to get people to understand that they have a problem. Maybe either you or your mother could try calling either a crisis hot line, a drug and alcohol counselor, or Alnon. I'm sure one of these could give you some good advice and information.

Good luck!
post #15 of 28

I think going to a meeting for family members of alcoholics is a good idea. I did that when my Dad was at his worst drinking, and it really helped to put a lot of things into perspective.

As for detox/mental care-well, that's what my brother and I faced my Dad with when he was at his worst. We called several places, to see if we could have Dad committed. Of course, we couldn't unless he was proven to be a danger to himself or others. But, when we confronted him with the fact we had looked into it, Dad voluntarily had himself entered into a detox program (which at our local hospital was on the psychiatric ward, at least for the first few days of detox).

It honestly took several times for Dad to face up to his alcoholism. But for now (fingers crossed), he hasn't had a drink for about 4 years. It's been very hard for Jonathan (my brother) and I, and probably even worse for Dad, but I truly believe if you keep on it, things will end up for the best.

Big hugs for you!!!
post #16 of 28
In my town the detox ward is also in the phychiatric ward .
post #17 of 28
Sweet Michelle,

I haven't had experience with alcoholism, but I think that there's some good advice here. There should be someone you can talk to that has more professional experience with alcoholism and give you some options (groups, hotlines, etc.)

I know it can be tough living at home with your parents. I moved out the second I could, but now I'm still struggling with debt because of it. If there really are no options, then July isn't so far away, but it probably feels like forever. Just hang in there.

I want you to know that you're a wonderful person. You're funny and sweet and smart. I always look forward to your posts, and they really brighten up my day. I think you're awesome and consider you a friend. Life gets rough sometimes, but that's what we're here for. So vent any time you'd like, and I'll be praying for you and hoping things start looking up real soon.
post #18 of 28
Thread Starter 
Laura...that is so sweet! Darn it...I'm crying again! Everyone kind words mean so much to me right now. It really has helped me more than you'll ever know. It's nice to feel the "love" right now...the past few days I've felt pretty bad about myself and ya'll are making me feel that I'm going to make it through this hard time. I'm sure it'll get better....it'll just take some time.

Positive thoughts and small steps is what I need to dwell on right now...not the bad stuff, right Kass?
Thanks once again...I love ya'll!
post #19 of 28
Also, you always have your furrbabies!!! They love you no matter what (unless you don't do what they want...J/K)!
post #20 of 28
Hang in there, Shell. Check the phone book for Al-Anon. They may be able to help you deal with your dad.

As for the living situation, check the classifieds and grocery store bulletin boards - you never know what you may find.
post #21 of 28
Shell, I am sorry you are going through so much right now. I think AA would help you and your family deal with your dad, or maybe Al-Anon. I think that's the one aimed more at families of alcoholics.

Don't be so hard on yourself, things will improve. As for your bf, is there any way you could be closer so you could see each other more? Maybe by transferring like you mentioned. Any relationship is tough to maintain at times, distance makes it harder.

Just remember, all of us are hear to help you out. Hope things get better for you soon.
post #22 of 28
I just saw this post, and wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this.
You mentioned that you could transfer to another city on your job. The best thing I ever did for myself is get out of my hometown and put some distance between myself and my parents. They were very difficult people, and never had a kind word for anyone. We got along much better after I was gone for awhile. It gave me a chance to start over without the judgemental attitudes of some small towns. It was a big adjustment, but I never regretted leaving. My parents are gone now, but I think if I had stuck around, we would have never mended any fences. It may not be the same way in your family, but it did mine a lot of good to have some miles in between us. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you, and please keep us updated.
post #23 of 28

First of all, you WILL get through this tough time!

Having gone to college in Seward, Nebraska I can relate to your situation in Fairbury. The towns are similar in size, and if it like everywhere else in Nebraska there's a bar on every corner. It is very difficult to convince someone who has been in this society all his life that it isn't normal, but it can be done.

As for moving out, pick the closest big town around and see if you can find apartment listings there. Beatrice isn't too far, even Lincoln if you wanted a radical change, and college towns always have decent apartments for cheap! I also understand your predicament with the people you know there. You're right, by 26 most of them are married and having kids, left for greener pastures, or you just don't want to live with them! Spread your wings! Go for something new, even if you have to wait until July to do it. July really isn't that far away, really.
post #24 of 28
Shell - just remember that no matter what you are not alone - you have all your friends here who love and care for you and that will not change. I really can't add any other advice. What has been given is great. Even if you dad won't go and get help, you should start going to Al-Anon meeting because they can help you deal with what is going on and maybe help set up an intervention. I really hope that things work out fo you!
post #25 of 28
Oh sweetie! I am so very very sorry you are going through all of this! I just now read it and it made me cry for you. You are such a kind gentle person and do not deserve to be treated this way. I am so sorry your father is acting this way...I'm glad he wasn't hurt in the accident, but he does need to get some help it sounds like. i think Detox might be the best thing for him. I hope things will get better for you (and him) very soon! You are in my thoughts and prayers...I love you...please know we are all here for you anytime you need to talk to us. **HUGS**
post #26 of 28
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Michelle! ((((HUGS)))) We all love you!!! It's too bad that stuff like this happens to such good people.

I know what it's like to live with parents with problems. It eventually got to the point with my dad and stepmom that I moved out; I have been on my own since my Junior year of high school. So, I also know what it's like to live on your own. I was in high school, jointly enrolled in college (taking advanced classes), in clubs, working 5 days a week, and doing all the work involved in keeping an apartment running.

I can tell you, it was really tough, but sometimes that's what you have to do. Personally, I'd say do what you have to to get out of there, even if it means taking a second, part-time job. The strongest words you can say to someone are "Good-Bye," and that's what I did with my dad. That, coupled with other problems he finally ran into, brought my dad back around to the light. We now have a good relationship, and he respects me completely as an adult and an equal. Plus, if you remove yourself from the situation, you'll have a clearer head when you do try to go in and deal with him.
post #27 of 28
Aw, Shell, I'm just reading this. You've already gotten really good advice, and there's not much I can add. Gary was an alcoholic - but he'd already straightened out by the time we got together, so I don't have any experiences to fall back on (thankfully!). I know it must be so difficult, and you so don't deserve it!!!!

All I have to say is vent all you want. There are so many people here who love and care about you - and hopefully all of this has helped at least a little bit. Hang in there!

post #28 of 28
Somtimes you just want to stop kicking when you get up to your head in the water, but what would that do? Just ruin your hair, so keep swimming and soon enough you'll find shore. I didn't read everyones response but I think the AA idea is a good one to say the least. Even if just the rest of the family goes and Dad doesn't, maybe they can help you to understand his diease better. No matter I know it's difficult, but stick it out, and (I hate when people say this to me but it is true so) remember how lucky we are, it could worst like in iraq they have all our problems and more.

And as for the bf thing, I think your much to pretty of a lady to be bogged down in a long distance relationship. This I can say from experience, I too was scared to be alone and stayed in a crappy relationship 6 mths to long, then one day it blewup, hurting even more.I wish I could have been an adult and took advise from loved ones but again I was AFRAID to be a lone, and after the blowup, not only was I alone but lonely also.

I know it's hard to keep 'truckin' but we all you, and you just have to go slow and take everyday as a blessing. (I hope I wasn't to preachy, I know that can be annoying)

Go and get some Ben&Jerry's icecream, grab some kittys and together eat the whole thing. It always helps me.:flash:
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