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Company - need to vent

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
We have some friends (a couple) that pop over when ever they want without calling first. Last Sunday they showed up at 11 am and stayed until 10pm. I told them that I had to shower and then go to the laundrymat. It didn't bother them. "Jane" said "oh, I thought that you do laundry on Saturday." I explained that I had to work Saturday and had no other time to do it besides Sunday. They hung out with my husband and were still there when I got back home. Of course we fed them dinner.

They came by during the week after work.

They are here now. I had to work again yesterday, but not as long as last Saturday, so I managed to get laundry done yesterday. I just got back from my weekly grocery shopping and they were in our driveway talking to my husband.

I have a cold! I don't want company! I was planning on sitting outside with my DH to get some fresh air and relax. Now I'm just going to stay in. I just can't handle entertaining right now. I told "Jane" I'm sick and her response was "that was quick." Like... last time we saw you you were fine.

My DH helped me carry groceries up and said he would give them a couple of beers and keep them outside. He doesn't have the heart to ask them to leave. "Jack" was the best man in our wedding.

If anyone asked me what I would do in a situation like this I would tell them to say they just aren't up to company right now, but I can't do it. If they were originally my friends (rather than originally my husband's), I would, but I don't want to make my husband feel uncomfortable. He wasn't happy about it either, but he's nicer than me.

They will probably show up tomorrow too because it's Labor Day.

I don't know why people think this is okay!

Thanks for letting me vent.
post #2 of 28
I have a friend like that

He will show up unannounced and stay for HOURS!!!!!!

I've known him since high school and feel bad for him because he doesn't have many friends.

Last week he showed up and we told him we had some errands to run. He said "That's cool. I'll just wait here"

Once he even asked to stay the night

I haven't figured out how to tell him no either so good luck
post #3 of 28
Well I'm a blunt and straight to the point type of person.

I would go outside and tell (not ask) them that you are not feeling well, its your day off work and you would like to spend some time alone with DH. Tell them that you will call them once you are feeling better to make arrangements to get together.
And wish them a good labor day. If they don't get the hint......
post #4 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GailC View Post
Well I'm a blunt and straight to the point type of person.

I would go outside and tell (not ask) them that you are not feeling well, its your day off work and you would like to spend some time alone with DH. Tell them that you will call them once you are feeling better to make arrangements to get together.
And wish them a good labor day. If they don't get the hint......
My husband has been in a couple of times to ask me to be patient, promising they will be leaving soon. You are so right though, Gail. That's what I should do. I'm afraid it would embarass my DH though, so I won't.

I just noticed a message on the answering machine. Apparently they did call. I was grocery shopping and my husband was mowing the lawn so we didnt get the message. So they call, don't get an answer and come over anyway. I am so annoyed!

I am going to have to make a pact with my DH that if they show up tomorrow one of us will have to say we are not up to entertaining or something.
post #5 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin View Post
I have a friend like that

He will show up unannounced and stay for HOURS!!!!!!

I've known him since high school and feel bad for him because he doesn't have many friends.

Last week he showed up and we told him we had some errands to run. He said "That's cool. I'll just wait here"

Once he even asked to stay the night

I haven't figured out how to tell him no either so good luck
Thanks. They don't have a lot of friends either. The "nice me" feels sorry for them, but the real me just wants them to go. Maybe the reason they don't have many friends is the way they impose on people and can't take a hint.
post #6 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockcat View Post
We have some friends (a couple) that pop over when ever they want without calling first. Last Sunday they showed up at 11 am and stayed until 10pm. I told them that I had to shower and then go to the laundrymat. It didn't bother them. "Jane" said "oh, I thought that you do laundry on Saturday." I explained that I had to work Saturday and had no other time to do it besides Sunday. They hung out with my husband and were still there when I got back home. Of course we fed them dinner.

They came by during the week after work.

They are here now. I had to work again yesterday, but not as long as last Saturday, so I managed to get laundry done yesterday. I just got back from my weekly grocery shopping and they were in our driveway talking to my husband.

I have a cold! I don't want company! I was planning on sitting outside with my DH to get some fresh air and relax. Now I'm just going to stay in. I just can't handle entertaining right now. I told "Jane" I'm sick and her response was "that was quick." Like... last time we saw you you were fine.

My DH helped me carry groceries up and said he would give them a couple of beers and keep them outside. He doesn't have the heart to ask them to leave. "Jack" was the best man in our wedding.

If anyone asked me what I would do in a situation like this I would tell them to say they just aren't up to company right now, but I can't do it. If they were originally my friends (rather than originally my husband's), I would, but I don't want to make my husband feel uncomfortable. He wasn't happy about it either, but he's nicer than me.

They will probably show up tomorrow too because it's Labor Day.

I don't know why people think this is okay!

Thanks for letting me vent.
This is precisely why i choose not to introduce myself, or befriend my neighbors. When I moved in I didn't get chummy with anyone. I value my privacy WAY too much. In fact, I don't even invite, or like it when my friends come over.
post #7 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by fastnoc View Post
This is precisely why i choose not to introduce myself, or befriend my neighbors. When I moved in I didn't get chummy with anyone. I value my privacy WAY too much. In fact, I don't even invite, or like it when my friends come over.
Fortunately our neighbors are great. One is right next door and the other is across the street. We don't have any problems with them.
post #8 of 28
I agree with Gail. You are going to have to address this situation if you want it to be different, otherwise, its going to keep happening. They are the one that intruded on you, so dont feel bad for you or for your husband saying "this is not a good time". Its the only way they will know their boundaries.
post #9 of 28
That's why I love my dogs. I had someone like that, they'd show up & walk right in. They did it once & so I told them the story about the time a friend of mine did that & Macey bit her in the hand. That person hasn't dropped by since.

Now go sneeze in their faces!
post #10 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pami View Post
I agree with Gail. You are going to have to address this situation if you want it to be different, otherwise, its going to keep happening. They are the one that intruded on you, so dont feel bad for you or for your husband saying "this is not a good time". Its the only way they will know their boundaries.
You're right. I'm not going to do it today though. I need to warn my husband first. No doubt it will happen again soon. Probably tomorrow.

DH went to plan B. We live above a bar. He invited them downstairs for a drink. He's going to have one with them and leave them there.
post #11 of 28
Next time they show up, I would tell them that you and DH are leaving for an engagement and won't be back until late. Then drive away. Maybe go to a mall and window shop for an hour and then go home. Either that or tell them you are not up to having company.
post #12 of 28
I'm for being totally up front with them, as Gail suggested. Certainly do talk with DH about it, so that you are on the same page, and he's not caught off guard. But I'd say to them, "I'm really sorry, but you've caught us at a bad time. I'm sick (or I'm up to my eyeballs in stuff that I really need to get done today...or whatever) and I'm not up for company. We'll give you a call and get together soon, but not now. Thanks for understanding."
post #13 of 28
Thread Starter 
Yup, you are all right. I am getting angrier by the second. If they show up tomorrow, I am going to say "Sorry, but I haven't had any private time with my husband for the last 2 weekends."

I hope I really do, because I know myself. If I let it build up, I won't be able to be tactful.
post #14 of 28
While you might forgive someone once or even twice of showing up uninvited, these people seem to make it a habit (and a bad one too).

Next time they ring the bell, say "sorry we are just about to leave" and then get your coat and leave........husband too. Don't answer any questions of "where you going, when will you be back, etc.".

OR you can say - sorry but next time you want to visit, please call, and CLOSE THE DOOR AND LOCK IT!

I'm serious...a few times of this and they should get the hint. IMO they should have left when you told them you were sick....geezzzz
post #15 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
While you might forgive someone once or even twice of showing up uninvited, these people seem to make it a habit (and a bad one too).

Next time they ring the bell, say "sorry we are just about to leave" and then get your coat and leave........husband too. Don't answer any questions of "where you going, when will you be back, etc.".

OR you can say - sorry but next time you want to visit, please call, and CLOSE THE DOOR AND LOCK IT!

I'm serious...a few times of this and they should get the hint. IMO they should have left when you told them you were sick....geezzzz
Be proactive. This couple is harassing you and making you spend money to entertain them.

For tomorrow, go and camp yourselves out at their apt. well before they make it to yours, spend the entire day there, don't pay for anything to eat, and make sure that you tell them what you want to watch on their TV. Just tell them that you were dying to spend the day at their place.

You are letting them take advantage of you and they will keep doing so unless you lay down the law. If they try to go to your place, tell them that it is their time to host you. If they complain, you are out of there. If they invite you into their place, stay there for 10 hours, eat them out of house and home and have DH leave the toilet seat up.

Before and definitely after, do not answer the phone if they call. They are freeloaders. If they keep trying to crash at your place, first, leave a note on your door with their names on it in which you say that they are no longer welcome. If they continue to harass you, you need to take out a TRO. Tell them the bar is downstairs and you don't wish to accompany them (like you are not paying for drinks now). Follow through, first with the phone, then the note and lastly the TRO. This couple is harassing you and probably getting you to spend money on them.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it seems obvious to me that you are being taken. I would be so happy if that were not the case. Really.
post #16 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by butzie View Post
Be proactive. This couple is harassing you and making you spend money to entertain them.

For tomorrow, go and camp yourselves out at their apt. well before they make it to yours, spend the entire day there, don't pay for anything to eat, and make sure that you tell them what you want to watch on their TV. Just tell them that you were dying to spend the day at their place.

You are letting them take advantage of you and they will keep doing so unless you lay down the law. If they try to go to your place, tell them that it is their time to host you. If they complain, you are out of there. If they invite you into their place, stay there for 10 hours, eat them out of house and home and have DH leave the toilet seat up.

Before and definitely after, do not answer the phone if they call. They are freeloaders. If they keep trying to crash at your place, first, leave a note on your door with their names on it in which you say that they are no longer welcome. If they continue to harass you, you need to take out a TRO. Tell them the bar is downstairs and you don't wish to accompany them (like you are not paying for drinks now). Follow through, first with the phone, then the note and lastly the TRO. This couple is harassing you and probably getting you to spend money on them.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it seems obvious to me that you are being taken. I would be so happy if that were not the case. Really.
Well, I'm in a better mood this morning. My cold is still here, but I don't feel nearly as miserable.

In a way, you hit the nail on the head. They are freeloaders, BUT my husband has a lot of history with them and he loves them. They have been married for 16 years and he knew them prior to that. They have done crazy things together. My DH was insturmental in getting her to leave an abusive boyfriend (ok, he threatened the guy), he helped take care of her dying mother, they have all traveled together, they all used to work together.

If I had any desire whatsoever to go to their house, I would take your suggestion. I just really don't want to go there.

I don't mind their company once in awhile. My DH promised they wouldn't be by today.

Thanks for the suggestions!
post #17 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by white cat lover View Post
Now go sneeze in their faces!
I did consider that!
post #18 of 28
11.a.m until 10.p.m Talk about out staying their welcome! That's downright rude to stay that length of time. Do people not understand that the weekends are your quality time?!.

I always either text or ring a friend to see if it's ok to pop up, and they do the same to me as well.
post #19 of 28
make them a drink and when your about to hand it to them cough in the glass?? lol

I hate people like that
post #20 of 28
Oh, hon I feel for you, and it is a hard situation. We had that with DH's cousin. DH would get home from work between 5pm and 5:30. He would have time to feed the dogs, and let them out for a run. I would get home between 6:30 and 7. His cousin would show up around between 7 and 7:30, with girlfriend and at least 1 or 2 kids in tow (she has 7 but only 2 are his cousin's). Now, his cousin DOES help him do stuff around the house, but I was left to entertain his girlfriend (who I really don't like, but that's another thread all together!). Now, if it was only for 1/2 hour or so, no problem, but they would stay until after 11:00pm. DH gets up for work at 6:00, and I have to up by 7:00. They didn't do this every day, but at least a few times a week.

They showed up one time on the weekend and I was in the process cleaning the house. I told the girlfriend I was trying to get things done, and instead of just leaving, she proceeded to start dusting for me, and told me how I was cleaning was the wrong way to do it.

Finally, DH had to take his cousin aside and tell him that he can't just pop in like that, that we need time to relax after work and actually have a conversation. Now, at least they call and we are prepared when they come over. And actually it's been seldom, thank god!

Sometimes you do have to be blunt, but I would definitely make sure you and your husband are on the same page with this before anything is said.
post #21 of 28
Thread Starter 
They didn't show up at all yesterday!!! I had a great time (even with a cold) alone with my husband!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post
Oh, hon I feel for you, and it is a hard situation. We had that with DH's cousin. DH would get home from work between 5pm and 5:30. He would have time to feed the dogs, and let them out for a run. I would get home between 6:30 and 7. His cousin would show up around between 7 and 7:30, with girlfriend and at least 1 or 2 kids in tow (she has 7 but only 2 are his cousin's). Now, his cousin DOES help him do stuff around the house, but I was left to entertain his girlfriend (who I really don't like, but that's another thread all together!). Now, if it was only for 1/2 hour or so, no problem, but they would stay until after 11:00pm. DH gets up for work at 6:00, and I have to up by 7:00. They didn't do this every day, but at least a few times a week.

They showed up one time on the weekend and I was in the process cleaning the house. I told the girlfriend I was trying to get things done, and instead of just leaving, she proceeded to start dusting for me, and told me how I was cleaning was the wrong way to do it.
I would be fuming!!! To impose on you and then insult you on top of it! Grrrrr!

Quote:
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post
Finally, DH had to take his cousin aside and tell him that he can't just pop in like that, that we need time to relax after work and actually have a conversation. Now, at least they call and we are prepared when they come over. And actually it's been seldom, thank god!

Sometimes you do have to be blunt, but I would definitely make sure you and your husband are on the same page with this before anything is said.
I'm glad it is working for you. Hopefully they don't stay as late as they did before, too.
post #22 of 28
Seriously tho, you and hubby need to address this issue now, while you are not angry. A time limit and how often to visit should be agreed on between you and then let those people know the next time.

Hard to be tough sometimes, but they will keep doing it unless you and hubby put an end to it.


In our family we have one aunt that makes it a habit of inviting another family member to get togethers (bbq's, weddings) WITHOUT permission. She just calls up and says "is (name) invited?" and hands the phone to the person for them to say yes or no. Two examples (1) bbq for DH's sister. We were just about finished and cleaning up stuff and this aunt calls the niece and then asks BIL if the niece can stop by for food in an hour after she gets off work! (2) calls up our son and asks if the niece is invited to the wedding and before our son could say anything, he's talking to the niece and has to tell her yes or no!
post #23 of 28
Yikes!!! I would never go anywhere uninvited and I would be horrified if that happened to me all the time. I'm sorry you have to put up with that but glad that by the time I got to the end of the thread it was starting to turn around.

I am non-confrontational too, so know how you feel about not wanting to say anything, but you HAVE to. Or don't answer the door! If you're polite and they get mad, then they are not worth being your friends. They have to understand that what they are doing is extremely rude and inconsiderate. Period.

Good luck!!!
post #24 of 28
I'm planning on just ignoring the door if I see unexpected, unwanted guests And I also want to set our alarm to "Stay" while home, in case the MIL decides she's just going to let herself in.
post #25 of 28
Good Grief! That is not friendly - that is ridiculous! Don't they have things to do!

I had a friend whose husband I cold not tolerate - he'd arrive with his laptop bec he knew my apt bldg was wireless and asked for the number - I told him I forgot it - that I just logged in - but really, I should have been up front and said I cannot give it out to people who do not live here. I thought he had a lot of nerve, just like your "friends". Then, he is a fundamentalist Christian which is fine - I think people are entitled to believe in what they wish and believe everyone has some kind of moral compass be it religion(organized or not) or something they live by. He has never handed out pamphlets at my place but has at another but I told him straight up that I did not need to listen to his preaching since while I respect his views, surely he must know I am never join his Church. (My family and I are Reform Jewish). Still, he would make snide remarks about Harry Potter being evil - things like that. I know the woman more than him and am glad she is doing well but my God, they drive me to distraction. I have hid on some occasions and said flat out I had to study (true). Fortunately, I work a lot so...

I would tell them straight out if you are ill or not up to company. Tell them you like them, respect them but just are not up to entertaining. (I am not sure whether it's wise to ask for a rain check, )
post #26 of 28
Oh my goodness! I could see where you would be upset. Nearly 12 hours!!! Who on earth does that! I like to see friends and family, but 12 hours?! I don't even spend that much time at my parents house when I'm down to ride the horses and visit! YIKES!

hopefully they are in some sort of rut and they'll stop visiting so often. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. I totally understand where you're comming from. My SO is "too nice" too, although, I call him a painsy sometimes He would never tell a friend they have to leave, he would hint though!
post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Siobhan View Post
Then, he is a fundamentalist Christian <snip> Still, he would make snide remarks about Harry Potter being evil - things like that.
obviously, he's not bothered to read the books & form his OWN opinion. that's a common belief among many Christians who just believe what they're told.
personally, i read the books [as did my sister] & we could find nothing objectionable about them. she allows her children [who are homeschooled until high school because of her beliefs] to read them, as well.
so, not all fundamentalist Christians are cur from the same cloth as this guy
post #28 of 28
I solve that problem and still do if it should happen to become an issue again. I get up and look through the peep-hole in my door (in case I ordered food to be delivered and completely forgot about it), then go back to what I was doing. My friends and family all no that the pop-in is a no-no. If I don't receive a call first AND agree on that visit, they are welcome to come and stand outside my door - but I'm not opening it

I've only had a couple of people who used to do that, one being my step-mom. They all call and ask if I want company before they come over.
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