War between my boyfriend and my cat - please help

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sunshne880

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Thank you to everyone who has responded to my post.
I really do value everyone's opinion, regardless of it being hard to hear or not. I've had pets my whole life... dogs, chinchillas, rabbits and my cats. I'm also a pretty quiet mellow person (unless provoked) so I guess in the case of my boyfriend, all I can really say is... opposties attract.

So here's an update. My boyfriend and I disucssed this issue to death. When faced with the reality of losing me, he agreed to modify his behavior to see if it makes a difference, which he should have done int he first place. I really do understand his frustration, but still he needs to chill. I did take her to the vet right away to have her checked out, full work up, shots, blood work, etc. and she turned out perfectly healthy... as expected. She's 9.5 pounds, I thought that was kinda cute... but anyhow, she was suprisingly awesome in the office, I was preparing myself for a stressful day. She seemed to love the vet so much. The place I took her is strictly a cat hospital, so they only treat cats and the staff was awesome with her.

The vet said to see how she does with him modifying his behavior for a few months consistently, if she didnt get better there were options for medicition. Which I ovbiously wanted to avoid. He think the aggressive behavior towards him may have to do with her being territorial and since she is a generally shy cat, her hissing from under the bed and in the closet is her way of showing him "who's boss." Also, the change in her seemed to start when he officially moved in. That was the same time, I stopped letting them sleep in the bedroom with us. Mostly because his 2 yr old stays here and I know my male cat would end up sleeping on her face, couldnt have that. So I guess he was leaning more towards her being like this because she may feel he came in and took her place and of course him being just a loud kinda guy, doesnt help. Really it could be anything I suppose.

The first month, nothing changed... which I had expected. The funny thing is, I noticed the hissing more when he came home from work... so I thought of the possibility of a smell from his job bothering her. In any case, he really did make a drastic change. He has been watching football at my brothers so that he wasnt here in the room when the Giants scored (thats when he seems to yell and jump around the most) The hissing subsided just a little, but she was still running from him and wouldnt really be in the same room. Mostly avoiding him, but still hissing from time to time.

So the next few months, same thing... but I will say, she doesnt hiss as much and he has really clamed down and makes attempts to speaking softly and nice to her. I let him feed her and give her treats, still she avoids him. She is however staying in the same room as him. If i'm on the couch and he's at the computer, she'll come and sit on the couch with me, lay down and fall asleep. She watches him from the corner of her eye and runs if he gets too close. She'll eat her dry food in the same room, but again, if he moves towards her, or gets too close, she bolts. She didnt seem nervous or anxious either, just kinda normal. I thought things were progressing, when just a few weeks ago, one night, he leaned over the foot board of the bed to kiss his daughter good night and out of no where she lunged up, hissing and swating. Scared the life out of his daugther and i'm sure really startled him.

Where I am now: I took her back to the vet 2 weeks ago. Explained the situation, the boyfriend came too. The vet suggested trying her on cat prozac, just for a while to see if the hissing stops and she becomes more open to accepting him. He said again, she is a very healthy cat and doesnt seem to have any physical illnesses. I wasnt very happy to make that choice, but i'll try anything to make the situation better. I am planning on just doing this for a few months then weaning her off. The vet said lets just see how things go... and told me lets try to fix this one step at a time. Oh also, the feline-away plug in, I tried it before and didnt notice a change, but i'll try it again.

So I get the medicine in the mail tonight, I ordered fish flavor, thinking... "cats like fish, this should work perfectly!." Of course, because this is the story of my life, she didnt take it very well. Wouldnt take it in any of the wet food I tried, I tried kinda holding her and tilting her head back, hoping her mouth would drop to ease the liquid in her mouth and that she HATED! I didnt even get 1/2 of it in and now she's glaring at me from across the room. I tried tuna too thinking I was a genius and still nothing. I think between the little bits she got from food and the little I got in her mouth, she's had enough for one day and i'll try again tomorrow.

I am still frustrated, now about getting her to take the meds mostly, but i'm also equally relieved that the BF is easing up and sees how much its been hurting me to stress over this. I'm sure its going to take longer then 4 months for her to warm up to him. And who knows if the cat prozac will even make a difference. Although I did hear alot of good things about it from people who give it to thier cat.

In any case, I just wanted to write a follow-up, so that everyone doesnt think I'm this terrible girl who lets this eveil, abusive man run around the house yelling at her cats. I promise you I would never dream of being with anyone who didnt respect what I love the most in this world.

If anyone has any recommendations for getting a picky cat to take the liquid meds, I'd be so grateful! Otherwise, will update you soon on the progress.

Thanks for listenin to me ramble
 

cheylink

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I am surprised that your vet would recommend anti depressants for your girl when it is not a depression issue. Any type of medication will only temporarily alter her mentally without resolving the actual issue.
 

momofmany

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I missed this thread when you originally opened it.

I have cats that steer totally clear of my husband. He has a very heavy gait and he can shake the floor when he walks. None of them actually hiss at him, and they will only approach him if he is sitting down calmly either reading or watching TV. Football games have them heading for cover on the other side of the house. Morning has him stumbling from sleep. Coming home in the evenings, they can tell when he's had a bad day at work.

Something set her off initially, and she hasn't shaken it since then. I'll be very curious if the meds work for her.
 

babywukong

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Yeah I second the comments that its weird that the vet recommended Prozac when the cat doesn't seem to have a problem with depression. I appreciate that you're trying everything that may have a chance to improve your bf's relationship with your kitty, though. But it seems to be a behavioural issue rather than a mental one which can be fixed by medication. She's feeling something she doesn't like from your bf, and is probably getting even more upset now that she has to take medicines. I really hope you find a solution to this soon. Perhaps an animal behaviourist instead of a vet?
 

pami

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Vets do use Prozac for behavior modification. The idea is that if a cat is showing signs of fear, aggression, even spraying, the meds will "lift" the mood somewhat and help them move past what it is causing them distress. Then they will wean the kitty off the meds and hope the behavior has been modified.
 

carolina

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Have you tried Feliway/Comfort Zone? It has really done wonders for my kitty... she is much more relaxed than before I started using it... I would give it a try before giving her Prozac... Also, I think that cats have very unique personalities, and that maybe your boyfriend just needs to give her space to feel what she is feeling, without forcing himself onto her... Just giving her the opproach would be much more effective than approaching her when she is scared... I hope this gets better soon; it can become a vicious cicle... Good Luck!
 
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sunshne880

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The vet explained to me that there are certain medications that might make her less fearful, which may lead to her possibly becoming more aggressive, thats why he started with the prozac. At least that was my understanding. I have used the comfortzone stuff and I didnt notice any difference.

I know its not the ideal situation, but i'm sorta at my witts end at this point. I'm just trying everything I can.
 

baloneysmom

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I havenâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t read through this whole thread so I am not sure what was suggested here. I just thought I would add my own thoughts to this.

Tell your boyfriend to chill out. A cat hissing isnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t all that horrible. My German Shepherd hated my Father…. HATED him… My father would scratch her ears, rub her chest, talk baby talk, take her for car rides, walks, he never once hit her or scared her… yet she hated him. For 12 years every time he walked in that door she would snarl, growl, snap, and bark obnoxiously at him. He would always mumble something about a stupid spoiled dog and ignore her. He was annoyed at first but got over it really quickly.

We are the humans, we can adjust our thinking and behaviors. Cats are cats… they do kitty things, they are harder to change then humans.

Why is your boyfriend so angry at this that you think it would ruin your relationship? Its only a hissing cat…its not like she is attacking his face and ripping his arms off.

Maybe I am just too laid back a person but if my cat hated my boyfriend… or actually, as I said my Shepherd hated my Dad but she hated all men… including boyfriends. If they complained I would just tell them to get over it. The boyfriends didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t complain too long when they realized I really didnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t care and nothing would be done about it… This was with a snarling German Shepherd, I just donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t see how a hissing cat would matter.

The boyfriend needs to relax and realize he shouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t take it personally.

EDIT: I also wanted to add that its great at least your guy is trying, going to the vet and such. Thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a good thing.
 

krz

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Sometimes the harder you try to win the affection of a cat, the more difficult it becomes. As long as he has not hurt her in any way and she is only hissing at him, maybe the best thing he could do is ignore her and let her come to him on her terms. I am sure it is a very stressful situation for you, it seems that you have tried everything in your power to have harmony in your home. Try and spend a little quality time with her everyday to reassure her and when you become more relaxed, she may too. It's only been a few months, I think, just give it a little more time and things will work out. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.
 

rang_27

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Originally Posted by KRZ

Sometimes the harder you try to win the affection of a cat, the more difficult it becomes. As long as he has not hurt her in any way and she is only hissing at him, maybe the best thing he could do is ignore her and let her come to him on her terms. I am sure it is a very stressful situation for you, it seems that you have tried everything in your power to have harmony in your home. Try and spend a little quality time with her everyday to reassure her and when you become more relaxed, she may too. It's only been a few months, I think, just give it a little more time and things will work out. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.
I have to agree that if they are not hurting each other the best thing for him to do is ignore her. Sounds to me like you have a very sensitive cat and his moving in was a lot for her to handle. I think you are in a very difficult situation because they are not hurting each other, but her stress level is not good for her either. I guess I have nothing to add other than to wish you luck.
 

threecatowner

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I have read this entire thread this morning, and just have to respond. As I read what you've written I've both laughed and cried, because I had a very similar situation. Twenty years ago I lived alone in an apartment with 2 young brother and sister cats. When I met my future husband, they didn't dislike him. He, too, walks heavily, talks and laughs loudly - I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.

As the years went on and we bought a house, had 3 kids, Annie began hissing every time he walked into a room, and it really ticked him off as well. He could be your boyfriend - he even had a daughter from a previous marriage (Annie hissed at her, too). She really grew not to care for him, but as far as I know, he never did anything to her - he just is loud. He would yell back at her as well, which, as you know, really helped the situation.

Twenty years later we are still married, he still has anger issues (never physical, just verbal) with cats as well as people. That is something to think about. Annie hissed at him until her dying day at age 19. She wasn't afraid to be in a room with him, but she couldn't stand him. The difference here is he would have died before he ever went to the vet with me to try to solve this because he would never, ever have thought a cat was worth that. At least you have someone who has tried.

Absolutely, positively, the best thing he can do is just IGNORE HER. Nip this in the bud NOW. A grown man getting into a pissing match with a cat is ridiculous, but I could never quite convince my husband of that. He, too, is not a horrible person - like your boyfriend - just misguided.

Good luck, try to love her and keep her calm. Our life went on, Annie's life was not an unhappy one, and your kitty's can go on happily too.
 

yosemite

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I agree with the above poster. Your boyfriend needs to get over himself. My husband speaks loudly without even realizing it and I feel like hissing at him myself sometimes when he's on the phone. I keep telling him the phone is electronic so he doesn't need to yell for them to hear him.


Until we got Bijou none of our other cats were particularly close to him and I know it bothered him but he didn't make a big deal out of it. I can tell you he is thrilled that Bijou is as close to him as he is to me and our daughter and I'm happy for him. Interestingly enough, hubby talks very quietly and calmly to Bijou and that may be part of the secret as well.

I personally have real issues medicating animals unless it's for a medical issue they have and not a behavioural issue. I would never put my cat on Prozac because it did not like one of my family with the exception of course that the cat was physically attacking that family member. I have problems with people being put on Prozac so putting a cat on it is out of the question for me.

Sometimes cats just don't like certain people. My neighbour's Siamese hates me and I've done nothing at all to the cat. On the other hand her other cat, Lenny the Burmese loves to snuggle down in my neck when I pick him up. I don't take it personally and your boyfriend needs to stop taking it personally. She may never warm up to him whether she's on drugs or not. I'd rather see her not on drugs myself and let him deal with his own issues.
 
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sunshne880

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Thank you to eveyone for your thoughts and opinions. I completely respect what everyone has to say. And thanks for taking the time to read my posts. Its been sorta therapudic for me to get this all out. Sorry I they seem to be long and rambeley.

Its hard to understand that my bf gets that angry at a cat. Its funny cause i'll go "it's just a cat, let it go!" and he'll go "i know, its just a cat!" meaning get rid of her, she's replaceable. We say the same thing and mean something completely different. To us cat lovers, we value and love every little thing our cats do. To someone who is not used to being around cats, the fact that she hisses at him all the time, gets rather frustrating to him after months and months. I was never brought up with cats until I got the two I have. My parents have had dogs since before I was born, so it took me a little getting used too the way cats are. Now, I have to say, i'm more of a "cat person" then a "dog person", but I still love both. He cant understand why I feel the way I do and I cant understand why he feels the way he does. Hopelessy deadlocked.

That being said, he absolutly ADORES my male cat. They lay on the couch together and watch tv. Emerson sits in his lap and cuddles with him, more then he's ever done with me. When he's at the computer he lays on the desk in front of the keyboard and falls asleep. When my bf gets home from work, Emmie flips over on the bed and waits for him to come over and kiss his face. He's always holding and kissing him, I mean he literally kisses his tooth (which he calls his snaggle tooth). He kisses this cat goodbye every morning before he leaves and gives them both treats. So it's odd to me that I have 2 opposite situations. Hopefully you can understand my dilema.

In his mind, if Mya does this to him, she'll do this to others... and he's right, she may. But as long as he is making an effort to help things now, i'm going to do everything I can to help the situation. Its impossible for me to ever think of getting rid of her, but it hurts as much to think about getting rid of him. Maybe I sound silly and i'm not with him because i'm scared to be alone or anything like that, I really do love him and his daughter with all my being.

But again, thank you to everyone for your thoughts, opinions and advice. I hope no one is thinking i'm a terrible cat mom for all of this. You must know, I love my animals more then anything in this world.

In fact, i'm trying to deal right now with my Shepard (my dog) who has been in such a sever depression since we put our Lab to sleep. Its so very sad. Imagine all the crying i've been doing over that as well. They have been together since they were babies. Our lab was 13 and my shepard is going to be 13 in april. I'm sure my crazy little Pug (who's 6) isnt helping matters since he tries to boss her around in a way. So perhaps i'm super sensitive to everything around me.

I'll keep updating to let everyone know how its going.
 
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sunshne880

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Oh.. I have some pictures. Hopefully it'll be ok for me to load them so you can see my troublemakers. The gray and white cat is Mya, black and white is Emerson (Em or Emmie for short)
 

krz

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Denise, you sure sound like you could use a breather, there have been alot of stressful things in your life recently. I am going to keep you in my prayers and my prayer for you is peace. I think everyone would love harmony and quiet in their homes, and I think everyone would agree when you have pets, kids, and any type of conflict, a peaceful atmosphere is hard to obtain.

Your cats are beautiful and if Mya is only hissing at him, it will probably pass with time, it doesn't sound like she is aggressive with Emerson or the dogs and it is not likely that she will hurt your boyfriend either. He just needs to leave her have her space, maybe when she sees his affection for Emerson she will come around.

In the meantime, try to relax, I know how upsetting situations can get especially this time of year. It is obvious you love your kitties and you also want this relationship to work with your boyfriend, I think time and patience are the answer for you. Hopefully in the coming months you will have good news to report!!
 

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for harmony

I would have a talk about anger issues.
I guess I don't understand where the anger comes from? It sounds like your man is having an extreme reaction! More extreme than the cat, who is just being a cat.

Your cats are very pretty. I know you want so bad for everyone to get along, I hope for that too!
 
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