War between my boyfriend and my cat - please help

I've been battling this issue for the past 6+ months.

I've had my two cats for almost 6 years now. My female cat in particular was always the sweetest, kindest cat i've ever seen. I tend to be a very calm, quiet person and mostly speak to them in a very quiet, loving tone. We had moved back home to live with my mom about 3 years ago and since that time, its been me and them.

About a year ago, my boyfriend moved in here with us and his 2 yr old daughter is here part time as well. In the beginning my boyfriend got along wonderfully with both my cats, no problems at all. Both cats are truly wonderful with his daughter. Suddenly my female cat starting acting odd around my boyfriend. She is still to this day, she is so loving to me and everyone else like nomral, but whenever she sees my boyfriend she hisses and freaks out. Needless to say this is really starting to get him angry, as it would anyone. He is literally the only one she does this too. I've asked him time and time again to just ignore her, but now its getting out of hand and he is just getting more and more angry.

After months of this, when she hisses and flips (never biting) he starts yelling and screaming about it, which in my opinion is just making things worse for her. He and I discussed today him trying to just ignore her for a while and not react to her when she does hiss, hopefully in an attempt to regain her trust. If this doesnt work, do you think medication would be a good alternative to calming her down for a while? I can't bare the thought of getting rid of either of my cats or my dogs and I personally won't entertain the thought. Especially sicne she isnt aggressive towards anyone else at all. I also don't want to love my boyfriend and end my relationship over something like this either. The cat is clearly frightening of him. He really isnt a quiet person at all, he's loud. He's tried hard in the beginning to get affection from her and it was going great, she would sleep on his chest and go to him like normal, but something about him now just scares her.

Can anyone offer me any advice or words to help me feel better and let me know this isnt hopeless? I hope I havent painted him as a monster, he isnt. My male cat loves him. I really dont understand what it could be. I do have a vet apt for her this week, hopefully they can help me out as well.

Thanks,
Denise

Cats do not just suddenly develop an aversion to someone. There's a reason. It may be as simple as something she smells on him, maybe from work. But it may be that he is mistreating her when you don't see it.

Now, the crotchety uncle talk. This may be an indication of how this guy would deal with your children, or you, if you happen to disagree with him. I see warning signs here, not that it's any of my business.

Good luck with the vet appointment!

My spouse has never gotten along well with one of the cats (and my spouse and I were together when we adopted them as stray kittens!). I'm really lucky that he doesn't take it personally/doesn't get mad about it. She doesn't hiss at him, though, and never did unless he was heading in her direction. She simply doesn't let him touch her (although this summer she got a little friendlier towards him!).

Does your cat hiss at your boyfriend whenever she sees him, or whenever he moves in her direction? If he's sitting in a chair, and she enters the room from the opposite end of the room, will she hiss at him? (Assuming your boyfriend ignores her) what happens after she hisses at your boyfriend? Does she move towards him, or just go somewhere else?

You're right, ignoring her sounds like the best thing to do. How big is the house? Could you separate her from your boyfriend, at least until she calms down again, and then do a human re-introduction?

I get the feeling your boyfriend is lying to you and he's doing something to your cat that you have not caught him doing.

You might SERIOUSLY consider your relationship with him. Most time animals pick up on things about a person that's a warning.

The cat is not the problem, he's the problem - I would not medicate the cat.

I asked for opinions and I don't mind the honestly at all, I appreciate anything anyone has to offer.

I really don't see any anger or violence on his part. I sorta remember this starting when he was having a heated conversation with his ex and he was yelling quite loud. I had thought for a while that may have been the cause and it just esclated from there.

I don't know, I guess anything is possible, I could be wrong. (I hope i'm not) He lives in the house, with me, my mom and my brother. They have witnessed it also. I think it they saw anything violent about him, they would flag it as well.

If he is sitting on the couch or at the computer, she will come in the room and act normal. When she is under the bed (where she chooses to sleep) and he walks by, that's mainly when she'll do it. Or in the morning, he leaves at 3:45am, if she is in the closet where his clothes are, if he opens the door, she'll run out and hiss. Most times she'll do it and run away, if she isnt already under the bed.

One last add... my male cat and 2 dogs, absolulty adore him. The minute he walks in the room and sits on the couch, my male cat is all over him, purring and nuzzeling. I would think if he were acting violently towards the cats when I wasnt around, my male cat wouldn't be so friendly with him. He is always trying to give them treats. My male cats runs from anywhere he is too see him and eat the treats. My female cat will just sit and glare at him from the doorway. When he goes to sit down, she'll come in and eat a few.

That sounds like he's simply startling her. She's hiding in a safe place, under the bed, and she's suddenly woken up by movement coming at her. So she hisses to make the scary go away.

I would suggest to your boyfriend that he talk to the bed as he walks by and to the closet as he opens it. I'd say something like "I'm just walking by, I'm not coming under the bed" and "Excuse me, I'd a like a shirt, I don't mean to bother you." It really doesn't matter what you say; the point is that you're communicating to the cat that you know she's there are you aren't planning on hurting her. Maybe she'd figure out that he's not talking to her, just to the bed and the closet, but, unless he can see that she's somewhere else, I'd tell him to do it every time he goes by the dangerous places.

You might even want to move the bed (so it's not close to a walkway) and put his clothes in a place that's not otherwise a safe hiding place (like keep that closet closed at all times).

Maybe cats don't hate people unless they are aggressive, but loudly clomping by a sleeping place and getting into a closet can certainly count as aggressive.

With the additional information, it may be that the raised voices were enough to frighten her. I wouldn't rule out other possibilities, but cats are extremely sensitive to emotions and sounds. Especially sounds. Their hearing is very delicate.

Thank you all for the advice. No one wants to think someone they love is abusing thier animals. It would be beyond hurtful for that to ever be the case. Rest assured if that were the case, I wouldnt be thinking twice about kicking his a$@ out of here, faster then it moved in.

I am as confident as I can be that he isnt abusive. But I guess life isn't always that way. Please don't think i'm being foolish and naive to think the thought hasn't quickly crossed my mind that he may be doing something. But like I said, i'm as confident as I can be that he isnt. and I doubt my other pets wouldnt be showing signs in some way or another.

Its hard to describe situations like this, cause like me, I go right for human error, since I feel animals are innocent and defensless. There is no one that loves all thier animals more then me, trust me. I'd like to think I am a good judge of character, but even the best of us can be wrong at times.

My boyfriend is a really great guy, good father and hard worker. Never once laid a hand on me, his daughter or my animals. He just kinda loud is the best way I can say it. Loud talker, laughs loud, sneezes loud, loud walker... its hard to really explain. Total opposite of me, but it works

Again, i'm not defending him and I want everyone to know I do appreciate your honesty, opinions and concern. I wouldnt ask if I didnt. If you think of any other options or things that might help, please let me know.

I kind of have the same thing, except its with my brother, I have 9 cats and I live with my older sister, she moved in with me after my husband passed away. So its very very quiet in my house, we just go about our business we take care of my cats, we play with them talk to them, so its a very quiet life. When my brother comes over it gets very loud, he happens to be a very noisy person, its always been his way, but the cats stay clear of him when he's in the house, he's a very kind person who does love animals he's just very noisy.

My nephew has been around my cats since they were born and have been taught to respect the cats in every way. My nephew is at my house daily, so is around my cats ALL OF THE TIME. Sometimes, just from the way my nephew walks (he walks with heavy feet) it will scare Tino. Tino will growl and hiss.

When that happens, my nephew will immediately stop walking and start talking to Tino in a very soft, gentle voice until Tino is calm again and will approach my nephew rubbing his head and body on him and peace is made.

If only my nephew would always walk softly but that hasnt happened.

But it is something that simple. Sometimes cats are just scared of certain things. I swear if I wear all black, my cat Laura, will be scared until I get down on her level and pet her. Ducky doesnt like me in heels and Kiko gets scared when some people wear hats.

One other possibility if he's not being abusive to her. Does he wear any kind of colone? Or maybe what he's using to shave with? Some cats don't like certain smells and will hiss and react negatively.

I've had female cats turn up their noses and hiss at certain scents while their brothers loved the smell!

My aunt's cat acts all scared when I go over to her house. I've never done anything to her. My aunt says that it is just because I have such a big, heavy voice (my late mother was an opera singer, and I inherited some of that quality; I'm told that even when I speak softly, my voice carries more than some peoples' when they yell; it has something to do with my nasal passages being abnormally large so that my voice resonates in them); my cat doesn't mind, but he's used to it--my aunt's is not.

Is your cat susceptable to catnip? If so:
Make some catnip tea and have your boyfriend rinse his hair with it when he shampoos. Make up some sachets of dried catnip and put them in his underwear drawer, and give him one to keep in his pocket.
Macerate some in rubbing alcohol and get him to use the extract as aftershave.
For his pre-dinner cocktail, make catnip julips. (Just like mint julips, but with catnip instead of mint leaves.)

There are some great suggestions here. I don't think he sounds abusive, but you had mentioned he can be loud, even if not directed towards the animals. Example Maia is extremely sensitive to me raising my voice, if I yell say cheering the Yankees on the tv, she runs up to my face. If I scream, even playing around, she comes running, and if I'm playing she bites my feet! kitty!
You mentioned in the beginning they got along great, she would lay on his chest. Maybe she became jealous of shared attention? Someone mentioned cologne, or some other scent that might set her off, another possibility. Also if he has unknowingly taken something away from her that she considered hers..............place to sleep, clothing to sleep on, any change in territory.......
Even changes in your daily routine, especially related to her.
Would he be willing to feed and change her litter? The most personal, daily interaction with her would be the best, besides trying to give or receive attention.

Are you certain the kitty isn't hard of hearing? My deaf Ophelia Rose will wake up like that sometimes, in a rage/defending herself.

I think the cat is interpreting his loudness as aggression.
But he also needs to take a chill pill here. It is a cat. Animals can be puzzles that we have to figure out sometimes.
He should check his anger because it is only making things worse. He is taking this waaay too personally. He needs to get some perspective and stop feeling slighted. Now that he is angry the cat picks up on this. Add this to his loudness and the conclusion the cat will get is that he is a meanie. If he wants to get along with the cat he needs to change his 'energy' around her.
I am also concerned that because he has personalized this so much that he may one day do something to hurt her.

One of my boys is very nervous of men when they are standing up. He adores Nate, but when he stands up Jacob hisses and runs and hides under the bed or sofa. Nate is very gentle with the cats, he can't recall ever accidentally stepping on a paw or tail in the dark even, and I know for a fact that Jacob has never ever suffered abuse or mistreatment. Nate finds it quite upsetting.

The cause became more clear when I realised that he reacted in the exact same way to my dad and to other males. As soon as they sit down he is all over them, but when they stand up he runs and hides, often hissing. He was raised in a home without any human males present, and I think that explains it. He is simply not used to the heavier step of the male of the species, and finds it threatening.

I do find it worrying that your bf yells because of this - to me it's indicative of a lack of compassion and understanding, and a short fuse. He either doesn't realise that it's going to frighten a small animal even more, or he doesn't care - neither of which is good.

He needs to calm down about it. It is his problem, not the cat's, and to my mind, medicating the cat because of this would be close to abuse. It sounds as if your bf may find therapy and medication more useful, if he has trouble controlling his temper.

Other than the loud argument he had has there been anything else that would upset your cat? a change in living quaters or some one the cat was famialir with leaving? i mention this because my BoBo was the sweetest thing until within 3 months her big cat sister died and my fiancee (her only human daddy) left us. she got very aggressive and only attacked humans. the first time she met mmy now husband she did this hiss snort hiiss snort and acted like she wanted to eat him alive . fast forward 4 years later BoBo now loves her daddy but still hates any other human,even though, like my mom, she see's quite often. even my land lady who see's alot is terrified of her cause once when the circuit breaker tripped and she came in to reset it BoBo actually attaked her and chased her.
dont know if it helps but sometimes its alot of little things that can get our babies upset.