etiquette advice

marianjela · Aug 15, 2008

Joshua took his last chemo pill last month. Next week we are having an End-of-Treatment party for him. Coincidently enough, it is also his 6th birthday!

Anyway, our priest called the other day to say that he couldnt attend because of confessions and Mass, but that he wanted to take care of the cake.

I didnt talk to him personally, my daughter fielded the call. I told my husband today that even though it was a gracious gesture, I didnt plan on giving him the bill, that I felt funny. Today when I was talking to my daughter about the conversation, she said Father Jim said that he *wanted* to do this for Josh since he couldnt be there.

Now I feel torn. I feel uneasy sending him a bill, but I dont want to offend him either... what should I do? and how do I go about doing it????

vereyna · Aug 15, 2008

If he offered and was sincere (which is what it sounds like), I say maybe send him the bill along with a short thank you note. I've had to deal with situations like that. And while not the most comfortable of positions it puts you in, the other person doesn't see it that way, or they wouldn't have brought it up.. I'm sure last thing he wants to do is make you uncomfortable, he just sees it as a kind gesture- so you should, too. Hope that makes sense, lol.

Good luck, and I wish your son a happy happy birthday!

natalie_ca · Aug 15, 2008

Originally Posted by vereyna

If he offered and was sincere (which is what it sounds like), I say maybe send him the bill along with a short thank you note.

I agree. And also include some photos of Joshua at the party! Or maybe take a video of the party and give it to him as well. You could also have your son print his name on the card thanking him for the great cake!

calico2222 · Aug 15, 2008

First of all, congrats to Joshua!! I'm sure he will LOVE a double celebration for his birthday!! Give him an extra :hug: for me!

Wow...that's hard...sending a bill to a priest. Ok, who is actually picking up the cake? If you are, I would call to see if it still needs to be paid for. If so, I would pay for it and wait until he mentions it again. He probably will, as in "how much do I owe you"....then you can tell him the amount. But, I wouldn't actually send a bill. Cover it and get reimbursed later. If he doesn't say anything I wouldn't worry about it.

kluchetta · Aug 15, 2008

Maybe if you live in a town where everyone kinda knows each other like my town, you could arrange with the supermarket or bakery to have the bill sent to him? Or maybe that might be too impersonal.

But either way I really think you should let him. He's probably sincerely sorry that he can't come and wants to show his solidarity and caring. So even if that is a bit of a stretch for your comfort zone...you should let him.

ETA - And congrats!

to him and especially you. I remember when this all started, and I'm sure you've been an amazing mom to him and all the rest of the kids this whole time. Take some time to pamper yourself too!

buzbyjlc10 · Aug 15, 2008

Maybe try calling him when you'd be able to catch him to be like "I'm sorry I missed your call the other day, my daughter did let me know that you called. We will miss you at the party!" And then see what he says in response. When people offer to pay for stuff, I always respond with how unnecessary it is and usually they still insist and if he does you could arrange how it will be worked out right then. Then maybe offer to save him a piece of the cake in tupperware and ask to bring it over after the party/the next day and bring him pictures of the cake before it's cut as well as a couple of your son enjoying the party.

Most importantly, CONGRATS ON THE TREATMENT END!!! That is always SUCH great news! I'd love to see a couple pics from the party! I'm sure your son will have a blast!

taterbug · Aug 15, 2008

Happy birthday, Joshua!!

And congratulations on finishing the chemo!

You know, if I were in that situation, I'd just give him a call and thank him for his offer and let him have the chance to offer to furnish the cake, pay for the one you order, or just to acknowledge the kindness of his call.

butzie · Aug 15, 2008

Congrats and Happy Birthday to Joshua!

Unless your priest shows up for the event, I would never accept a cake. If he cannot come, a cake would not be a substitute for his attendance. IMO, went to Catholic school K-12.

missymotus · Aug 15, 2008

Originally Posted by BuzbyJLC10

Maybe try calling him when you'd be able to catch him to be like "I'm sorry I missed your call the other day, my daughter did let me know that you called. We will miss you at the party!" And then see what he says in response

I think that's a very good idea

gailuvscats · Aug 15, 2008

Well, I know nothing about the priest buying the cake etiqutte. Does it make a difference that he is a priest? I mean if it were a regular person, what would you do. It seems weird that anyone other than a relative would offer to pay for the cake. Does he think you are financially strapped? and are you, will this be a big help? If that is the case, than it is very nice of him to offer, and I think you should accept. If it is just that he wants to do somehthing for your son, than maybe he could just get your son a gift, or give him money in a card, rather than get the cake. Maybe you could accept the money for the cake and put it in an envelope for your son, and say it is from the priest? I don't have a clue. Seems weird that he wants to buy the cake. Maybe he needs the etiquette book.

laureen227 · Aug 16, 2008

Originally Posted by calico2222

Ok, who is actually picking up the cake? If you are, I would call to see if it still needs to be paid for. If so, I would pay for it and wait until he mentions it again. He probably will, as in "how much do I owe you"....then you can tell him the amount. But, I wouldn't actually send a bill. Cover it and get reimbursed later. If he doesn't say anything I wouldn't worry about it.

this is what i would do, in your position. i don't think the fact he's a priest should have anything to do w/it. this is also the way i would handle it if a close friend or relative made the same offer.
oh, & tell Joshua

luvmy2cats · Aug 16, 2008

First off congrats to Joshua on his treatment end and I hope he has a great Birthday. I was thinking maybe you can let the priest buy the cake and if you still feel akward maybe donate the cake money back to the church. Just a suggestion.

pami · Aug 16, 2008

Congratulations for the end of his treatment. Many prayers that he will continue to do very well

Originally Posted by gailuvscats

Well, I know nothing about the priest buying the cake etiqutte. Does it make a difference that he is a priest? I mean if it were a regular person, what would you do. It seems weird that anyone other than a relative would offer to pay for the cake. Does he think you are financially strapped? and are you, will this be a big help? If that is the case, than it is very nice of him to offer, and I think you should accept. If it is just that he wants to do somehthing for your son, than maybe he could just get your son a gift, or give him money in a card, rather than get the cake. Maybe you could accept the money for the cake and put it in an envelope for your son, and say it is from the priest? I don't have a clue. Seems weird that he wants to buy the cake. Maybe he needs the etiquette book.

Many Priests do this. They are a part of the family and do things for the family. It has nothing to do with being financially strapped, its a beautiful gesture coming from a "family member".

You are suggesting what the Priet should give, how can she control what the Priest would give?

Originally Posted by BuzbyJLC10

Maybe try calling him when you'd be able to catch him to be like "I'm sorry I missed your call the other day, my daughter did let me know that you called. We will miss you at the party!" And then see what he says in response.

This is an excellent idea.

carolpetunia · Aug 16, 2008

Originally Posted by calico2222

First of all, congrats to Joshua!! I'm sure he will LOVE a double celebration for his birthday!! Give him an extra :hug: for me!

Wow...that's hard...sending a bill to a priest. Ok, who is actually picking up the cake? If you are, I would call to see if it still needs to be paid for. If so, I would pay for it and wait until he mentions it again. He probably will, as in "how much do I owe you"....then you can tell him the amount. But, I wouldn't actually send a bill. Cover it and get reimbursed later. If he doesn't say anything I wouldn't worry about it.

My thoughts exactly!

gailc · Aug 16, 2008

Perhaps you can save a few pieces and bring them to him with Joshua so they can share??

If he insists I would put that dollar amount back into the collection basket!

binkyhoo · Aug 16, 2008

Hope all is going well with Joshua. I would not press the Preist/Rev. Let it go, You have other things to focus on. Prayers for you and yours.

gailuvscats · Aug 17, 2008

Originally Posted by Pami

Congratulations for the end of his treatment. Many prayers that he will continue to do very well

Many Priests do this. They are a part of the family and do things for the family. It has nothing to do with being financially strapped, its a beautiful gesture coming from a "family member".

You are suggesting what the Priet should give, how can she control what the Priest would give?

I think it is nice that he wants to buy the cake, but I think somewhere the OP said he said he wants to do this for her son. I am thinking from the perspective of a 6 year old, that a cake for the party is not really a gift for a 6 year old.
If it was presented as helping out with the party, making a kind gesture, fine, but it was presented, I think, as something for the 6 year old. that is why I suggested giving the price of the cake to him, and saying it was the priests gift.

I never said she should control what the priests does. don't know how you got that.

Just because he wants to buy a cake, doesn't make him a saint, or mean he is not subject to all the foibles of being human. One being, Perhaps bad etiquette?

marianjela · Aug 17, 2008

Thanks everyone for your advice - it is greatly appreciated!!!

As someone else stated, Father Jim is very much considered part of our family. Before Josh was diagnosed my not only was I an Eucharistic Minister, and my husband an Usher, but 2 of my daughters were Alter Girls. We consider the church as a whole to be part of our family, and many of the parishioners will be in attendance.

I think Father Jim's offer is genuine, and although I originally was against sending him the bill, I think he would be offended if I did not. I went to dinner with a dear friend of mine last night and as we were finalizing some of the plans for Josh's party, she pointed out that I need to accept help from others. That they want to be able to feel a part of the process if even in a small way. She wanted to pick up the tab and make the meatballs for the party and as usual I was uncomfortable with this, but insisted and got me to understand from her perspective.

I love the ideas of others to take pictures and send a piece of the cake over for him after the party. Very nice touch and thank you for the idea! I ordered the cake weeks ago, but yesterday went to the bakery and requested a bill. I will drop it off at the rectory tomorrow (we live right across the street from the rectory and church) with a thank you note, hand signed by Joshua and myself.

Thanks again for all the wonderful advice!!!

Marian

pami · Aug 17, 2008

Marian, I do not want to change the subject to your thread or be disrespectful to the situation at all. Please excuse me if the following offends you.

Originally Posted by gailuvscats

If it is just that he wants to do somehthing for your son, than maybe he could just get your son a gift, or give him money in a card, rather than get the cake.

Originally Posted by gailuvscats

I never said she should control what the priests does. don't know how you got that.

Just because he wants to buy a cake, doesn't make him a saint, or mean he is not subject to all the foibles of being human. One being, Perhaps bad etiquette?

Gail,

Your above post saying "maybe he should just get your son a gift or give him a money card" is where I got that. He has already offered to buy the cake, so how can he give something else if that is what he has offered, unless someone suggests to him to give something else

AbbysMom · Aug 18, 2008

Congratulations to your son.

I think it was sweet of the priest to offer to pay for the cake.

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