Sorry but I HAVE to vent, my MIL is a hussy.

Originally Posted by libby74

So what's going to happen to these 2? Did I read correctly that your MIL is going to Texas with the guy? Is she taking her kids, or leaving them behind? (in all honesty, leaving them behind would probably be for the best)



I know it's hard, but keep repeating it to yourself, and try to help your SO's siblings as much as you can. They are, after all, still kids and it sounds as if their Mom is acting like an immature kid herself.

Click to expand...

She's leaving them behind. I most DEFINITELY agree that will be the best thing for them. I feel bad for the kids because I know they HAVE to feel like she's abadoning them and care's more about a guy than her own children.

Her daughter has been in and out of the hospital this past year because the doctors just found out she has Lupus Disease. IMO she should be worrying about her daughter and making sure she's ok.

I'm trying my best to be there for them. I was trying my best not to say anything about her choices, but I broke down when they started talking about it and pretty much told them I agreed that their mom was making very bad choices. She's acting worse than an immature kid! I'm not even sure if a young immature teenager would do the sort of stuff she's doing!


Oh and I'm almost sure he still does meth. I tooked at pictures and videos of people who stopped doing meth and they all have some weight on him. His face is sunken in, his eyes are bludging, and he's grossly skinny. He makes a lot of money Dredging in Texas, but he has nothing nice.....

Originally Posted by Pookie-poo

One thing I've learned from the way my sister has ruined her life is:

You can't save someone from themself.

Click to expand...

Yeppers!

It sounds like your MIL went off the deep end when she got divorced, probably fell into a huge depression, of which gross spending can be a symptom.

It sounds to me that she is really lonely, afraid to be alone and is seeking validation from strange men.

In my opinion the guy is probably just out for a "sugar mamma" and is looking to be a kept man and to take her for whatever money she has.

Nothing much you can do. She's an adult, even if she is a crazy one.

It is good you have this site to vent on, because I think it would be counter productive to say negative stuff about mom, to any of her children. It is one thing for them to criticize her, but another for you to pass judgement. Unless they ask for your opinion, you might just want to shrug. This woman sounds very immature, and it is probably better her kids are not with her, are they with the father? where are they? Eventually she will be very old, and need you and your husband for support, so look at the big picture and try to be forgiving.

That's sad that she's leaving her children, especially when one of them was diagnosed with an illness. They are only 16 and 17--that is an age where you really need your mom! Oh well, I suppose it's best that she leaves. And it does sound like this guy is with your mom to get money to feed his drug habit. :

All you can do is try not to get involved (because you don't want HER to cause tension in YOUR relationship), although I would try to help in any way that you can for your SO's siblings. I feel so bad for them.

She's an adult and has to make her own mistakes.

Repeat after me "I am not responsible for other peoples' mess-ups".

There is nothing you can do about it, and trying will just cause you stress and upset. Leave well alone, the only thing you can offer is a shoulder to cry on when it all goes wrong.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Yeppers!

It sounds like your MIL went off the deep end when she got divorced, probably fell into a huge depression, of which gross spending can be a symptom.

It sounds to me that she is really lonely, afraid to be alone and is seeking validation from strange men.

In my opinion the guy is probably just out for a "sugar mamma" and is looking to be a kept man and to take her for whatever money she has.

Nothing much you can do. She's an adult, even if she is a crazy one.

Click to expand...

I'm thinking the same, she deffinitely was depressed for the past 6 months. The validation thing sounds right too, and there's no doubt he wants her for a sugar momma. It's just so hard sitting back and watching the mom act like a defiant child dating whoever she wishes.

Originally Posted by gailuvscats

It is good you have this site to vent on, because I think it would be counter productive to say negative stuff about mom, to any of her children. It is one thing for them to criticize her, but another for you to pass judgement. Unless they ask for your opinion, you might just want to shrug. This woman sounds very immature, and it is probably better her kids are not with her, are they with the father? where are they? Eventually she will be very old, and need you and your husband for support, so look at the big picture and try to be forgiving.

Click to expand...

I'm glad I have this site too! I was supposed to go out with her and the kids yesterday for lunch and my SO came back and said his mom was worried about the 3 of our relationships. I just told him that I need time away and that it would not be a good idea for the subject to come up while I'm around. She's making excuse after excuse of why this guy is ok, or why she should date him.

The kids live with their dad. They chose to live with their dad, who they never really enjoyed living with before. That really says something I think.

I forgot to mention that she "buys" her kids all the time. They were upset so she went out and got them all brand new cell phones yesterday. All $150 and up.

Originally Posted by KristyKitty

That's sad that she's leaving her children, especially when one of them was diagnosed with an illness. They are only 16 and 17--that is an age where you really need your mom!

Oh well, I suppose it's best that she leaves. And it does sound like this guy is with your mom to get money to feed his drug habit.

:

All you can do is try not to get involved (because you don't want HER to cause tension in YOUR relationship), although I would try to help in any way that you can for your SO's siblings. I feel so bad for them.

Click to expand...

I'm glad you agree with me! I think it's terribly sad she's leaving them. I don't care if they will be an adult soon, they are kids and they still need her. My own mom is worried about Blake and I's relationship because it is causing tension. I'm an outspoken person who was raised to believe that nothing was more important than your kids, not yourself, not a spouse, and DEFFINITELY not some guy.

Originally Posted by Epona

She's an adult and has to make her own mistakes.

Repeat after me "I am not responsible for other peoples' mess-ups".

There is nothing you can do about it, and trying will just cause you stress and upset. Leave well alone, the only thing you can offer is a shoulder to cry on when it all goes wrong.

Click to expand...

"I'm not responsible for other poeples' mess-ups". It's still sad just sitting back and everyone but her knows it's a huge mistake. I just want to shake her!

*sigh* but I'll leave well enough alone, and just sit back and wait for her to figure things out for herself.

Originally Posted by mrblanche

To quote a funny bumper sticker:

"We have plenty of youth. What we need is fountain of smart."

Click to expand...

Amen, brother!

Hopefully, this is just the rebound guy while she sows a few wild oats she never got to sow while she was younger. I bet he is gone before too long. Maybe if someone you know knows someone more appropriate, you could find a way to have them meet.

Ok, from the other (kind of) side of the coin:

Dating people that you meet on line CAN be okay. If you meet someone and find out that you have a lot in common with them, and talk on the phone and via the internet for a long time, and then meet in a SAFE, PUBLIC place (and your friends and/or family know that you are meeting this person), and it turns out that you still get along, that's awesome!

Sure, people can lie on the internet, but people can lie in bars, too. Meeting anyone that you might want to date is a crapshoot. You never really know what they will be like until you live with them.


That said, meeting someone on the internet and agreeing to marry them within a week is completely ridiculous. It wouldn't matter who the person was, even if they were a Neurosurgeon with a jillion dollars, you STILL do not agree to marry someone that you have never met in person within a week of talking to them. That is just crazy!


So, I think your MIL is making terrible decisions, for herself and for her family. Discounting how disreputable the person is, and that he may or may not be a drug user, the decision is STILL bad. But, you can't make her decisions for her, and if she wants to walk down that road, you can't stop her. You can be there to support the children that she is leaving behind, and you can be there to pick up the pieces when she comes back home.

People CAN recover from drug abuse and become great people, but it does not sound like this guy has, so I would be worried that your MIL might get into some stuff that she cannot get out of.

I hope that everything turns out ok.

I'm worried for her too. He's been to jail twice for beating people up. We already know he has an anger problem. We were in a theme park and two teenage boys aparently "tried to spit on him" when they boys were riding a trolley and this guy CHASED after them cursing and what not. Psycho.... I'm thinking he could be abusive towards women and that's why he's had two wives already.

I just want to choke her right now because she keep bringing up this guy! I had to see her in person the other day when she came to look at the house we're buying. I was glad she didn't say anything then, but afterward I guess she told my SO that her fiance could do some work on our house NO THANKS.....I'd rather do it myself. I don't feel safe around him and I most definitely don't want him in my house.

We're starting to worry that she is going to move him up here now.....


Something else that is a bit odd. He claims to be this hard worker and says he works at least 10-12 hours every day. He says he's a dredger down in Texas, and sometimes he works all day without sleep. So the odd part, my MIL is ALWAYS on the phone with him. My SO can hardly ever get a hold of her any time of day. And he's not tan at all, lives in Texas and works that many hours outside and isn't tan? The sun is only down for so long each day I guess the drug abuse would explain how he can stay up for days at a time without sleep

Oh and he also claims to be a Native American and has gone through spirit quests and what not. Again....he's not tan at all and works in the sun and is Native American? I'm more tan than he is and I'm almost transparent! And I'm not exaggerating! My SO even admitted that.

Originally Posted by EnzoLeya

I'm worried for her too. He's been to jail twice for beating people up. We already know he has an anger problem. We were in a theme park and two teenage boys aparently "tried to spit on him" when they boys were riding a trolley and this guy CHASED after them cursing and what not. Psycho.... I'm thinking he could be abusive towards women and that's why he's had two wives already.

I just want to choke her right now because she keep bringing up this guy! I had to see her in person the other day when she came to look at the house we're buying. I was glad she didn't say anything then, but afterward I guess she told my SO that her fiance could do some work on our house

NO THANKS.....I'd rather do it myself. I don't feel safe around him and I most definitely don't want him in my house.

We're starting to worry that she is going to move him up here now.....


Something else that is a bit odd. He claims to be this hard worker and says he works at least 10-12 hours every day. He says he's a dredger down in Texas, and sometimes he works all day without sleep. So the odd part, my MIL is ALWAYS on the phone with him. My SO can hardly ever get a hold of her any time of day. And he's not tan at all, lives in Texas and works that many hours outside and isn't tan? The sun is only down for so long each day

I guess the drug abuse would explain how he can stay up for days at a time without sleep

Oh and he also claims to be a Native American and has gone through spirit quests and what not. Again....he's not tan at all and works in the sun and is Native American? I'm more tan than he is and I'm almost transparent! And I'm not exaggerating! My SO even admitted that.

Click to expand...

He is most likely a con artist. She is desperate and he is an opportunist. He will be abusing her soon enough from the sounds of it. That sad thing is that she is totally oblivious to the RED FLAGS WAVING IN HER FACE.
I would have noticed the lack of tan too. It is summer and Texas is smoking hot in the summer. No way no how he would not at least be beet red.
The Internet is a hot bed of crazy on many of those dating sites. I could tell you some horrifying stories including the woman who was raped and murdered by some guy she met at Match.com. There have been horror stories. Not saying there not some good ones too but this guy isn't one of them. I am sure she could do better than getting involved with a tweaker.
Meth is such a disgusting drug and it makes people deteriorate very quickly.
Does he have all of his teeth? Missing teeth is a meth thing too. He could still be using or could relapse. If he is rough looking from drugs then his use is not that far in the past.
But you have to refrain from putting your SO in the middle. He really can't do a thing about it. She is an adult which means she is free to make a mess of her life.

Originally Posted by CC12

The Internet is a hot bed of crazy on many of those dating sites. I could tell you some horrifying stories including the woman who was raped and murdered by some guy she met at Match.com. There have been horror stories. Not saying there not some good ones too but this guy isn't one of them.

Click to expand...

There are some good ones. My very good friend and her husband met online and have been married for almost 10 years! They have a beautiful daughter and are very happy. So it does happen. But there are definitely some crazy people!!!

Originally Posted by CC12

He is most likely a con artist. She is desperate and he is an opportunist. He will be abusing her soon enough from the sounds of it. That sad thing is that she is totally oblivious to the RED FLAGS WAVING IN HER FACE.
I would have noticed the lack of tan too. It is summer and Texas is smoking hot in the summer. No way no how he would not at least be beet red.
The Internet is a hot bed of crazy on many of those dating sites. I could tell you some horrifying stories including the woman who was raped and murdered by some guy she met at Match.com. There have been horror stories. Not saying there not some good ones too but this guy isn't one of them. I am sure she could do better than getting involved with a tweaker.
Meth is such a disgusting drug and it makes people deteriorate very quickly.
Does he have all of his teeth? Missing teeth is a meth thing too. He could still be using or could relapse. If he is rough looking from drugs then his use is not that far in the past.
But you have to refrain from putting your SO in the middle. He really can't do a thing about it. She is an adult which means she is free to make a mess of her life.

Click to expand...

I'm so glad you and I are on the same page. I do understand that some people meet on the internet and it works out great, but in this case, there is no way no how it's going to work out! He looks really rough and he was SOOOO twitchy when we saw him!!! I can DEFINITELY see him beating her some day, and to be honest, she's the type of person who would take it! I really think she would!

I'm really worried, and I'm almost sure he's still on drugs. When he was with us he was smoking 3 packs a day. I don't know.....I don't trust him at all. I'm PRAYING she doesn't move him up here! It will just cause a lot of problems between us. I refuse to be left a lone with him. And someday when I have kids I do NOT want them around him. I'm not leaving my kids at "grandma's" house if he's there. I'm so worried about the future, everything would be so much easier if he's not involved. that I won't ever have to deal with it!

Well, here is my take on your MIL's problem. If she was in a controlling marriage, she is going through all that pent-up emotion that she couldn't release before but is being released now. Nothing is going to stop her. The violence thing would really send up red flags for me. Danger, Will Robinson!

But you cannot interfere because you are not family.

BTW, did MIL get a big divorce settlement? Can she just move to TX and find a good job? What happens if her money runs out?

Ugh, that is one messed up situation right there.

And I know how you feel about the "momma's boy" stuff. Sometimes I feel my hubby is siding with his mom over me and that is so annoying.

Originally Posted by EnzoLeya

I'm so glad you and I are on the same page. I do understand that some people meet on the internet and it works out great, but in this case, there is no way no how it's going to work out! He looks really rough and he was SOOOO twitchy when we saw him!!! I can DEFINITELY see him beating her some day, and to be honest, she's the type of person who would take it! I really think she would!

I'm really worried, and I'm almost sure he's still on drugs. When he was with us he was smoking 3 packs a day. I don't know.....I don't trust him at all. I'm PRAYING she doesn't move him up here! It will just cause a lot of problems between us. I refuse to be left a lone with him. And someday when I have kids I do NOT want them around him. I'm not leaving my kids at "grandma's" house if he's there. I'm so worried about the future, everything would be so much easier if he's not involved.

that I won't ever have to deal with it!

Click to expand...

See that is what I was thinking about. I thought what if you have children? You will not want them around him and it will cause problems. You will avoid her to avoid him. It is such a shame that she is jumping from the frying pan into the fire with this one.
The other thing I thought is that maybe he is running away from something back in Texas.

Originally Posted by zorana_dragonky

There are some good ones.

My very good friend and her husband met online and have been married for almost 10 years! They have a beautiful daughter and are very happy. So it does happen. But there are definitely some crazy people!!!

Click to expand...

I do know of a couple who met on the Internet and it was a good thing. They just had a beautiful baby. He is a nice solid guy who was kind of shy so he had a hard time meeting women. They are adorable and well matched.
So I know what you mean there are good people out there. You just have to use discretion unlike EL's MIL. Scary.

Oh my gosh no kidding. She told her kids that people make mistakes and she can make all the mistakes she wants. I still think she should know a little better, she's almost 50-years-old.

Click to expand...

Even at 50, I am still learning.

You need to sit her down, and talk with her. No, you may not be her daughter, but you can be her friend. I have a friend that went thru the same thing around 50 (it must be the new age for a midlife crisis) She started meeting men online who knew what words she needed to hear. She wanted to leave her husband at least 5 times in the 10 yrs I've known her. Ask your m-i-l how much she REALLY knows about this man. Also, ask her how she knows he is clean. If her answer is "He told me", calmly point out a few facts that don't add up. DO NOT ACCUSE HIM OF ANYTHING. Do not accuse her of anything. Keep repeating that you love her and want what is best for her.

Yes, she can make her own mistakes, but you need to make sure she is not hurt by these mistakes.

BTW...my friend eventually left her husband for the right reasons (for her self). She met a man online who turned out to be a soldier in Iraq. They met for the first time 2 yrs ago, were engaged that night. But then HE insisted on a long engagement so they could get to know each other.
They were married 15 months later.

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

Sounds like she got out of a controlling husband situation (and not even divorced from him yet) and into a bubbling caldron of disaster.

You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family/inlaws (if you marry in the family). You mentioned that your SO is a "mamma's boy". That's a red flag and you may think you won't have as many problems if the MIL is in Texas, but if her son (your SO) is a mamma's boy - he will take her side and defend her every time.

You might want to think long and hard if you really want to be a part of this future family.

Click to expand...

This post is dead on. Listen to GoldenKitty45 and good luck to you

Originally Posted by butzie

Well, here is my take on your MIL's problem. If she was in a controlling marriage, she is going through all that pent-up emotion that she couldn't release before but is being released now. Nothing is going to stop her. The violence thing would really send up red flags for me. Danger, Will Robinson!

But you cannot interfere because you are not family.

BTW, did MIL get a big divorce settlement? Can she just move to TX and find a good job? What happens if her money runs out?

Click to expand...

No, she's not even divorced yet! She got a lot of money from her job when they sold to another company. She won't disclose to any of her kids how much money it actually was. All the money she is spending right now also belongs to her husband.

Her money will run out, and I'm surprized it hasn't yet. She only has a high school degree and has been working at a corn seed factory for the past 20 years. It would be a HUGE mistake to leave that job behind.

Originally Posted by Tara & Rob

Ugh, that is one messed up situation right there.

And I know how you feel about the "momma's boy" stuff. Sometimes I feel my hubby is siding with his mom over me and that is so annoying.

Click to expand...

The momma's boy stuff drives me up the wall! We just had an agrument the other day. I told him it's me or his mom, and I asked him if he wanted to go back to when it was just him and his mom. Of course he said no and that he loved me, but he also said he loved his mom, but wouldn't let her come between us. I told him if it ever comes down to it and we have kids, I'm taking the kids and the house and moving him in with his mom.

Originally Posted by CC12

See that is what I was thinking about. I thought what if you have children? You will not want them around him and it will cause problems. You will avoid her to avoid him. It is such a shame that she is jumping from the frying pan into the fire with this one.
The other thing I thought is that maybe he is running away from something back in Texas.

Click to expand...

Yeah I'm really worried about having kids if he's up here. I know it would cause a huge problem because I wouldn't want my kids around him. I don't care how much SHE "trusts" him, but I'll just have to tell her flat out I have the right to not trust someone with good reason.

Plus she doesn't seem to worried about her own son having a child and giving her a grandchild. Her nasty fiance brought up his granddaughter that he has custody of when he came up. She ingored all of her kids and coed and played his his baby the whole time. I guess she found herself a grandchild and she's satisfied with that.

Originally Posted by Sweets

Even at 50, I am still learning.

You need to sit her down, and talk with her. No, you may not be her daughter, but you can be her friend. I have a friend that went thru the same thing around 50 (it must be the new age for a midlife crisis) She started meeting men online who knew what words she needed to hear. She wanted to leave her husband at least 5 times in the 10 yrs I've known her. Ask your m-i-l how much she REALLY knows about this man. Also, ask her how she knows he is clean. If her answer is "He told me", calmly point out a few facts that don't add up. DO NOT ACCUSE HIM OF ANYTHING. Do not accuse her of anything. Keep repeating that you love her and want what is best for her.

Yes, she can make her own mistakes, but you need to make sure she is not hurt by these mistakes.

BTW...my friend eventually left her husband for the right reasons (for her self). She met a man online who turned out to be a soldier in Iraq. They met for the first time 2 yrs ago, were engaged that night. But then HE insisted on a long engagement so they could get to know each other.
They were married 15 months later.

Click to expand...

Oh man, I'm not looking forward to having a talk with her. I know it will have to happen someday. She makes excuse after excuse for him if anyone says something about him. "He wouldn't rape or molest anyone because his daughter was molested by his best friend." I'm sorry, but that doen't give me any comfort, I don't trust him.

Originally Posted by xlpooper

This post is dead on. Listen to GoldenKitty45 and good luck to you

Click to expand...

I couldn't ever let her get between Blake and I living together happily. He'll just have to sever some of the ties if he wants me around. I have faith in him that he would if it came down to it.