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Can Men & Women ever Truly be Friends?

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
hmmm... what does everyone honestly think?

i wonder, sometimes.

it seems to me that all my relationships with male friends have always
taken that turn, down that shaky road, and if it wasnt something i wanted
they would always want out of the friendship... always the same story;
be with me, or i cant know you anymore...

i have been looking back, and looking around a lot lately, and have come
to see that i dont have very many friends i havent been intimate at one
point with, whether while drunk & having fun, or, thinking it was a good
idea to try it with your closest friend(s) because you are so close to them...
(not all at the same time, of course, but, at different points through life)

and what with married people, or people in long-term relationships,
how many opposite-sex friends do you have? that are your friends, and
not your's and your husbands/wifes?

how often do you encounter jealous tendancy in your husband/wife? and
what does it do to the relationship, how does it affect you?

a lot of my friendships have ended in ultamadums, and i have lost, and
its at the point now where i wonder if it's possible to just have a male
friend i dont want to be intimate with, and wont want to be intimate with
me... something that wont ever cross either of our minds, or, not seriously anyway.

eh... i dont know.

i'd love to know what all of you think, though.
post #2 of 19

I have a male friend that I've been friends with for over 30 years. He's engaged and lives with his fiance'. She hates my guts. She thinks I am a threat to her. But I am not. And I have never done anything to her to make her feel that way. Dr. Bob (he's a mortician) and I have gone through some very strange and unusual times together but we've always been there for each other. When I was 18, I was in love with him, but he chose his fiance. I married someone else at the age of 20 and moved on with my life. Yet we've remained friends still. He says that if she hadn't come into his life (they've been together for over 20 years and engaged for at least 8) and he didn't have so much invested in the relationship, I'd be in her place. When I ask him when he plans on marrying her he tells me the men in his family believe in long engagements. The only problem is I can never just pop by to see him at his house because of her, or call his house (they have caller i.d.). So I call him at work and vice-versa. He can't come over to my apartment because he is VERY allergic to cats. Somehow he always knows when I need cheering up. I do love him alot but as a friend.

post #3 of 19
I'm a bit ambivalent about this question. For one thing men and women apparently have a different definition of friendship. From my own past experience many women want a guy who they can walk around undressed in front of,cuddle with and discuss in detail their most intimate moments of their sex lives. but all this while the poor guy is never supposed to have any reaction but nodding his head. Kind of like walking thru an unmarked minefield blindfolded and wearing snowshoes.
He,on the other hand,is supposed to be strong and silent;emphathys on the silent. Of course men's problems are dull and uninteresting and not to be mentioned unless it's something juicy;in which case it's fair game in the girl sessions. Even better if you have mutual friends.
And apparently it is permissable to drop your male friends completely with no notice when the next Mr Right drops by. Yet they are supposed to remain completely unattatched so they can be called in the wee hours of the morning when Mr Right goes wrong.Even better if you can drop by...unannounced of course.
Of course said male friend,if a true friend should be able and willing to provide a handy hideaway if Mr Right already has a Mrs.
So,if the above describes your ideal man friend..... get a manniquen,don't call me.:tounge2: :tounge2:
post #4 of 19
Thread Starter 

well, i have to say i have been guilty of some of those actions...
i wont lie about it, i know i havent always been the best friend i could
have been, while my male friend(s) have been angels.

For one thing men and women apparently have a different definition of friendship.

i agree with this, but, i also wouldnt necissarily paint men with the same paint as
you, Kitty. a lot of the times male friends are anything but what they claim to be,
with hidden motive & intention, and false pretenses, i think it has goes both ways,
any other opinion would be a little too generalized & sexist.

maybe you havent had the best luck with women, like the kind of luck i've
had with some past guy friends, but, that's not to say we are all alike, is it?

post #5 of 19
One my closest friends is a guy...I have known him since the age of 5, we grew up together...which is over 36 years of friendship. He has been there for me and I for him...He was the best man at my wedding and I will celebrate 20 yrs. of marriage in Nov. It helped that my husband and Ty ( my friend's name) went to vocational school together and are friends also. He is on his 2nd marriage, they live 3hrs. away so we don't get together as much, but I still can call him and resume our friendship like no time has passed...I don't know what this present wife thinks of me...and I really don't care one way or the other as long as Ty doesn't mind.

DebbieA and the Kids...Tai-Tai, Zoe, and Baby
post #6 of 19
Hmmmm,apparently I have not mastered the smilies enough to indicate satire. Just yanking your chain a bit blue.

Sure men and women can be friends, I have had several female friends thru the years and enjoyed talking with most. However,I have also gone thru most of my list at one time or other. I really was asked to rent a motel room for a "friend" so that she and her "respectable' married lover wouldn't leave a trail. She was quite outraged when I declined...some friend I was.

In your case Blue,you must remember that you ae a very attractive young woman,so if you sit around in your skimpies any guy is going to react. If he doesn't....bury the poor sob. :tounge2:

Anyways...that all being said;I would be interested in seeing a list of qualities,including physical,that you look for in your ideal mate/friend. The rest of you ladies too.

PS...no sense describing me...I'm spoken for I'm told
post #7 of 19
Thread Starter 
so if you sit around in your skimpies any guy is going to react

let's just say i rarely sit around in my "skimpies" unless i'm alone or it's too damn hot

i dont know, it's different when your best-friend is male, and you are
female, none of the same rules apply.

sorry, i missed the whole point to your previous message, i dont always
catch sarcasm over a screen, unless you use this guy a lot ----->

qualities in a mate?


loyalty, honesty, compassion, humour, above-average intelligence, above-average looks,
athletic, slim/trim, health-concious, stimulating, generous, giving, confident, sweet,
unique, gentle, rational, spontaneous...

i'll have to get back to this...

what about you Kittyfoot, and all other 3 men here? :laughing:

what are your ideal qualities in a woman/mate?
post #8 of 19
Hey Blue...I said no describing me!!!

That's quite a list..not surprised that you are having difficulty. I do hope that when you get a little older the physical appearance will have less of an emphasis. I know several women who married a Greek God and wound up with a grecian urn. We ugly guys aren't all that bad,really...and would probably treat you better.

My ideal?? Very picky and specific. She has to be female and relatively sane. Actually,I believe I've found her via the net. We get to meet face to face soon.

Anybody else??
post #9 of 19
Thread Starter 

remember you said ideally! i am not stuck on looks, but, what can i
say? there needs to be physical attraction

i forgot to add, self-sufficent - i cant be with a man who is needy,
and cant stand on his own two feet. it is my biggest turn-off. next to
compulsatory raging jealousy

the thing is, i've found 3 men who fit almost all my qualifications

but, it just didnt click

Cameron is one of them - my best-friend :

and Shane, my only love (so far):

(blond hair, hand on a friends head, fur trimmed jacket)

there's also my other best-friend Arron, whom i dont have a photograph
of uploaded, but is also stunning.

i'm not looking for Mr.Perfect. just a SPARK ! you know?

i'm happy for you, happy you found a companion. tell me all about it
when you two meet!!

so... yeah, anyone else?
post #10 of 19
One guy, I have gone through hell in a handbasket with, and you just don't get any closer (unless you go to bed together) which, by the way, we haven't. I have known him since high school and we were actually set up by our sociology teacher (he was playing matchmaker) LOL It didn't go in that direction, but it blossomed into a wonderful friendship that exists to this day.

Another good buddy, we have been intimate, and after that part was over, it was easy to just be friends. He is younger than me, and he can always make me laugh. Ironically, he has moved quite near me, met my husband (they get along great) and comes over to spend time with us every now and again.

My third buddy is surprisingly, my ex-husband! He has been here as well, met Mike and they got along great. He stayed the weekend with us and we were able to close some chapters that were left open from long ago.Now, he calls if he needs a friend, and we were married for 10 years and have history, so I don't see the sense in abandoning his need for a friend. Because of who he is, when we did finally see each other after so many years, he did test the waters to see if I would swim, but I told him to go soak his head. LOL He and I are just now, what we were so very long ago, friends.

Blue, just a thought, it you have to make a list like that for what you want out of life in a man, you will be looking for a very long time. All men, and all woman have their faults and when you are in love with someone and they with you, the love you have overlooks the fact that you just aren't perfect. They can be as handsome as the day is long and still leave the toilet seat up or not pick up their dirty clothes when they drop them on the floor. You will find as you grow older that love is what you make it, and it is hard work to make a marriage work, but if you work at it, it can be quite rewarding!
post #11 of 19
Thread Starter 

well said, and i completely agree. i dont follow that list, like i said,
i am only looking for a SPARK!

but, Kittyfoot wanted to know what i want, ideally - so,
there you have it.
post #12 of 19
You find that, you will have it made in the shade!
post #13 of 19
I have a lot of male friends. I haven't been intimate with any of them. the ones that were in my lives before my boyfriend, he is totally cool with. he understands that if anything were going to happen, it would have before him. the guys that i have developed friendships with after him, he's usually cool once he meets them & he's sure they understand that I'm 'taken'. it really helps the other person to put a face to the 'friend' of the opposite sex. it's the unknown that is scary. I have one friend, Joe who we have dinner together probably twice a month. usually when robert is out of town and Joe isn't staying at his girlfriends. we have double dated many times. one night it was robert, myself & joe (his girlfriend was working) robert doesn't have a problem when I go out with Joe, and I don't think Joes girlfriend does either. there is nothing between us besides mutual admiration & respect and a few laughs. we talk on the phone 3 or 4 times a week. our common bond is our work. we are both in the music business & we know & work with alot of the same people. he calls me to vent all the time. he is probably my best friend here in Maryland.
post #14 of 19
Then again it could go both ways you know... there are such things as a homosexual and if you spend alot of time with a certain frined of your own gender you could start to get confused... Any way I just thought I would post that, I hope you have luck finding a person that will give you a sperk!(if your lucky even more maybe!)
post #15 of 19
I have to respectfully disagree here.

I do not think that spending a lot of time with a member of your own sex might confuse you, or turn you into a homosexual (not that I have a problem with that), no more than spending a lot of time with your cats might lead to beastiality, or hanging out with kids might make you a pedophile.

My best friend Jayce and I share everything, as friends only, no physical intimacy. I am his sounding board, confidant, support line, and just plain Pal, and he is mine.
He's even responsible for my boyfriend Scott and I getting together...come to think of it, I still owe him a present for that one! :laughing2 :laughing2

So anyway, Yes I do think men and women can truly be friends...with no sex...maybe even better friends than woman/woman or man/man combinations because there isn't that Competition Thing to deal with?
Just my 2 cents worth

post #16 of 19
Thread Starter 

it makes me happy to see a lot of you have friends of the opposite sex
that you are close with, but not intimate with.

i think that is incredibly special, and i hope to have that in the future, as well.

sex complicates so many things in friendship, i have learned this the
hard way.

i agree with Cleo on the homosexuality comment, very well said
post #17 of 19
Since high school all of my really good friends have been guys. Currently, my best friend is a guy. My closest friend at work is a guy, too. He is married, but I don't think there is any jealousy there on the part of his wife (at least I hope not, because as far as I'm concerned, he is strictly a friend). Most of the time I don't do too well with women, because I am not into a lot of "typical" women things.
post #18 of 19
OK,I'm gonna let you ladies in on a big secret about us guys that apparently you don't know. Men are born with a barely adequate blood supply system. When we reach puberty the glands kick in and produce hormones which partly clogs the blood circulating system. Therefore when a sweet young lady comes along or whatever reason the young man's heart pumps overtime,blood rushes to the penis;therefore creating a shortage in the brain..which therefore shuts down temporarily. Generally as we age the heart does not beat so fast and the brain retains enough flow to function somewhat. There are some notable exceptions,who generally stand for election. These are known as D..heads or politicians.

I do hope this is of help in your quest to understand guys...considering the risk I'm taking leaking this carefully guarded info. But you girls sounded so sad and pitiful.

Note: So that no-one is confused; this is satire...I AM KIDDING...maybe!! :laughing2
post #19 of 19
Uh Oh Kittyfoot...
Looks like someone let the Cat outta the Bag!:laughing: :laughing2 :LOL:
Looks like this fella has been Neutered though!

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