Moving in with a boy for the first time

sylorna

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Hey!
After dating for almost a year and a half, my boyfriend and I have decided to take a risk and start living together. The moving date is the 27th.
I'm a little nervous though. When people first heard about us moving in together they told me that I should be prepared to fight all the time. I suppose it's true that one should be prepared for bickering and the sorts (we already do that), but I come from a family where my parents really DO fight all the time and should have gotten a divorce about 10 years ago. Let me tell you....if it really is like that I'd rather be a cat lady and be single. When I've asked people to tell me about the good things about living together generally people can't answer me, or one person told me that the best part was having lower rent.

I am trying to stay positive and keep telling myself that we wouldn't do this sort of thing (humans in general) if there weren't some good feelings that came from it. I think that it will be nice having another person around to be with, and having a warm body to cuddle with. I might even get the odd dinner made for me! You never know!

Should I be worried or are the people around me just being dorks? I wish I had done this before, then I'd know what to expect. Doesn't help that I've had some pretty bad roommate experiences before.

Ps. If you're nice to me I'll post some pics of the new place next week when we pick up the keys.
 

butzie

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Well, only do it if you are ready to and it sounds like you might not be if you are asking friends. IMO only.

If you want a happy story, I only lived with one man and we got married.
 

goldenkitty45

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I know you won't like my answer, but IMO you shouldn't be liviing together unless you are engaged or marriage is in the very near future (you've set a date).

I struggled on this a lot - right/wrong. You can get to know a person without living with them. DH and I spent 18 months long distance and talking on the phone/computer every day. We got to see each other every few months. We knew each other inside and out more then most couples. We didn't have to live together to know how we got along.

When I moved from Maryland to Minnesota, yes we were living together BUT we were engaged at the time and had a wedding date set up.

If there are no marriage plans in the near future, then you guys are just playing house which I feel is wrong. But its your decision. Seen too many failed relationships because people play house first instead of really getting to know each other without sharing the same house!
 

belongstoevie

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Now I'm gonna come along and tell you something entirely different!


First- congratulations! It's a big step, and exciting.
And if you don't mind my asking, how old are you? I think that makes a HUGE difference.

If you're fresh out of high school and never lived on your own before, yes, it's probably a mistake (not necessarily, though!). But, if you're mid twenties or greater, established and have a life of your own, plus have been with him awhile (1 1/2 yrs is enough, if you ask me!), and have thought about it- not doing it on a whim- I think it's great!

While I do agree with GoldenKitty45 that, ideally, you'd be planning on getting married before you move in, well, it's also a bit of an antiquated idea. Half the people now a days never get married!! I went through the same struggle before moving in with my boyfriend after dating a year. And let me warn you- my moving in ended up with us getting married!


Before I get off on a huge tangent about being married and moving in, let me get back on topic!


Since you've been together a while already, you should have an idea what you're getting in to. Don't be surprised when things change dramatically, though! My boyfriend and I, when we moved in, had only a few additional fights. Mainly just as we adjusted to "private" now being "us" instead of "me". That and chores.
But there were never bad fights about it, we would talk it out and try a few different things. Once settled, we were great!

My only advice would be, be willing to work TOGETHER. That's it, really. If I knew you both personally I might be able to add more, but since I don't, just be aware that things will be "us" more often than not now, and you need to act it. Both of you.

Also, while Butzie said that you questioning is a sign you may not be ready, I'm just the opposite. I think it's a good thing that you've acknowledged that this a new, huge step for you. I think that if you jumped in with no concerns you'd be in trouble! The fact that you are thinking about it and planning means that you are responsible and ready to adjust if necessary.


And, even if you end up hating living together, it'll be a good experience! Then you will know, and it will help you make a decision for the next time!


So for now, go with it and enjoy it, learn and grow together!
 

baloneysmom

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I have to disagree with Golden. I think living together before marriage is a great idea…think of it as a test run. I was engaged once when I was very young. Early 20â€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s, we dated for 2 years. He wanted me to move in, I said no, but I ended up sort of living with him anyway. I would really only go home to get more cloths but I slept there every night, eat there, relaxed there. We were practically living together… thankfully I did that. I almost married this guy and it would have been a huge mistake. This has nothing to do with him being bad and I wont go into details because as we all know relationship problems can go on forever… But if I hadnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t have moved in with him I would have been divorced by now and have lived through more unhappiness then I would like.

I live with my boyfriend now. Sure weâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve had our problems, we actually have had some serious problems, but a lot of couples do when they merge their lives together. Its how you handle it that makes a great relationship. Moving in together gets all that out of the way BEFORE marriage BEFORE it gets in too deep and things get complicated… I would never marry a guy unless I have lived with him for at least 2 years prior.

Donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t listen to your friends, they shouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t be with that person if they are so unhappy living together. Living with my boyfriend is great fun. He is my best friend and I am proud that we are sharing everything together. Living together has also made us stronger. We now have to make life decisions together, talk about money, we now can not just do things alone, everything has to be a team effort.

I now know if I do want to marry him and have children there will be none or extremely little conflict in how we work together… I wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know that if we never lived together.

I love living with my boyfriend because he is my best friend, he keeps me warm every night, he shares the same love I do for our animals, thereâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s always someone to make me laugh, always someone to do something with, always a hug waiting, always someone to do something for me if I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t want to LOL. Thereâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s so many reason why you should, IF you love him and feel itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s the RIGHT time, move in with him.

If you have any strong doubts about your relationship, donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t do it. But if your happy and feel your relationship will last a long time then go ahead.

Phew! Long post.
 

robertm

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Some people are just so bitter over past failed relationships, and this bitterness shows through in instances like this. They try to come across as being funny, but you can't tell me there aren't sour feelings underneath. To me, that's what's going on here.

When my wife announced to some people at her job that she was engaged, there was one guy in particular who just kept periodically making negative comments about marriage. I know he was divorced at least once. She just ignored him (and similar other people), and for your own sanity, I would advise you to do the same. Unless these people know enough about you and your relationship with your boyfriend where they can come up with specific reasons why the two of you moving in together is a bad idea. Generalizations, and other peoples' experiences, are virtually meaningless.

(Oh, and guy I mentioned? He got engaged while my wife and I were still engaged.)

Good luck to both of you!
 

belongstoevie

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Originally Posted by silvionc

...Thereâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s so many reason why you should, IF you love him and feel itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s the RIGHT time, move in with him.

If you have any strong doubts about your relationship, donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t do it. But if your happy and feel your relationship will last a long time then go ahead.

Phew! Long post.
That's exactly the tangent I didn't want to go off on! Because if I had done it, it would have been twenty times longer and much more rambling and not nearly as well worded! So thank you, silvionc!
 

goldenkitty45

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One suggestion - have the two of you ever taken a Pre-Marriage Course with a church? If you haven't, maybe that would be a good thing to do - because it outlines your future and how to handle everything related to living in one house (finances, chores, children, etc.).

Whether or not you really get married is another thing, but at least you will have a written guideline and eye-opener on how you want to handle the important issues. Good way to find out how the other one really feels and deals with issues!

If I had taken that course before I married my ex, I would have not married him (and no we didn't live together before - we just didn't take the time to really know each other).
 

baloneysmom

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Originally Posted by BelongsToEvie

That's exactly the tangent I didn't want to go off on! Because if I had done it, it would have been twenty times longer and much more rambling and not nearly as well worded! So thank you, silvionc!
Lol thanks. My post was kinda long, I probably could have just used to end part


I wanted to give one really HUGE, extremely IMPORTANT piece of advice. I have learn this the hard and painful way and it is the most horrifying thing about living with a man.



No man…. In the entire world… will EVER change the toilet paper if it runs out…
Yes!! I know you are shocked at this horrific discovery but it is true… I only wish someone had told me about this atrocity before I moved in with my man!
 

robertm

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Originally Posted by silvionc

No man…. In the entire world… will EVER change the toilet paper if it runs out…
I do it every. single. time. AND --- this is really going to blow your mind --- I always keep the seat down.

No need to apologize; I'm used to the male bashing on this site.
 

mbjerkness

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Originally Posted by silvionc

Lol thanks. My post was kinda long, I probably could have just used to end part


I wanted to give one really HUGE, extremely IMPORTANT piece of advice. I have learn this the hard and painful way and it is the most horrifying thing about living with a man.



No man…. In the entire world… will EVER change the toilet paper if it runs out…
Yes!! I know you are shocked at this horrific discovery but it is true… I only wish someone had told me about this atrocity before I moved in with my man!
Not only don't they change the toilet paper, be careful going to the bathroom at night. they leave the seat up
The cold splash is not fun
No one can tell you if it's right or wrong. only time will tell. Good communication is very important.
 

zorana_dragonky

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I am with BelongstoEvie and silvionc. I lived with my husband before we were married, before we were engaged even, and I don't regret it.

I try on shoes and clothes before I buy them, and I think that a relationship partner is more important than those things. I think in many ways it is SMART to "try before you buy" or live together before you are married. Marriage, to me, is a very firm commitment. It is not a promise that I intend to break, and I am glad that we knew how we would work together before we made that promise. So many people end up divorcing because they didn't really know each other as well as they thought they did.

And I think that GoldenKitty45 has a point, too. Counseling is never a bad idea, just to help you talk out issues that are important when you are going to live together like finances, raising children if you ever have them, and more. I wish more people were lucky like her and really could get to know their SO before moving in together, but a lot of people don't reveal themselves like that until you live with them.

If you really care about each other and WANT to work together, things should be great. And if things end up not working out, at least you probably will learn that before you marry him.

Congrats, and I hope you new place and living with your boyfriend turn out to be great!
 

mbjerkness

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Originally Posted by RobertM

I do it every. single. time. AND --- this is really going to blow your mind --- I always keep the seat down.

No need to apologize; I'm used to the male bashing on this site.
Can you come train my hubby. we've been married for 29 years. I have had no luck
 

belongstoevie

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Originally Posted by RobertM

I do it every. single. time. AND --- this is really going to blow your mind --- I always keep the seat down.

No need to apologize; I'm used to the male bashing on this site.
Yay for you, you will save mankind!


And hey, you have to admit it's funny. I'm a woman, but I'm ok with woman-bashing, too!

Let me tell you, once you move in with a man, you will NEVER plunge a clogged toilet again!!
 

baloneysmom

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LOL you can come teach my man too! I’m not bashing =) just making nice fun lol. My guy always looks so surprised when I ask him why he didn’t change it. Like he really didn’t realize he used all of the toilet paper
 

sohni

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I wonder if there are any marriage counseling options that don't come through a church. My supervisor is going through a divorce and she says she wishes that they had done some counseling beforehand. Marriage was nothing like what she expected.

I am not religious however, so I would prefer something a bit different than what GoldenKitty suggests.
 

robertm

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Originally Posted by mbjerkness

Can you come train my hubby. we've been married for 29 years. I have had no luck
Pffffffft. Sorry, sounds like a lost cause!


Originally Posted by BelongsToEvie

And hey, you have to admit it's funny. I'm a woman, but I'm ok with woman-bashing, too!
Originally Posted by silvionc

Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m not bashing =) just making nice fun lol.
Oh, I know it's all in good fun.
I should have put a few of these
at the end of my post to make that clear. I'm gonna stop now before this thread gets way too off-topic....
 

natalie_ca

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There is nothing wrong with living together if that is what you want to do.

But you should get some things out in the open and out of the way first!

1. Division of expenses.

Are things to be split equally down the middle? What about food? Men tend to eat more than women do, so maybe he should be paying more than 50% of the grocery bill.

Who is doing the cooking? Personally I think it should be a team effort with him cooking if you are sick or working over time, or you doing the same when he is. Otherwise it should be done together as a team.

You should each have your own bank accounts, and you should have 1 joint account that you put your money for monthly expenses into.

2. Household chores.

Who does the dishes? Who does the laundry? Who vacuums? Who takes out the trash? Again, it should be a give and take thing. If you really hate doing dishes, bargain that he does them and you'll do the vacuuming. etc. etc.

3. Time out with friends.

Just because you are living together doesn't mean that you need to be spending 24/7 with each other and no one else. You should both have interests together, and you should both have interests apart. There is nothing wrong with you going out occasionally with just the girls or him going out occasionally with just the guys. You should both be secure enough in your relationship that you allow one another the space they need to pursue their own interests.


************************

That being said, living together is totally different than dating.

If you argue, remember you really have no place to go except maybe another room, to get away from the person.

A relationship, especially one that involves co-habiting requires a huge amount of give and take. When you live with someone you become more comfortable being around them and tend to be more yourself, so some habits may start to present themselves that you didn't notice before, and some small habits that you did notice, might suddenly start to get on your nerves.

However, accept each other for who you are, good and bad habits included. Don't try to change one another, and don't hope that they will change for you.

If he's a complete slob and you aren't, better get used to it because it's unlikely that will change.

Is he a "momma's boy"? That means that his momma did everything for him. Is he willing to pick up his share of the responsibility of living together or is he expecting you to pick up where his momma left off and do his cooking, cleaning, laundry etc for him?

Also, what happens if one of you loses their job? Is the other prepared to pick up the slack of the expenses while the other is out of work?

All of those things are things you need to seriously consider before making the leap to live together.

Oh, and don't sweat the small stuff. Pick and choose your arguments. Not everything is worth arguing over. And never go to bed angry. You don't know if either of you are going to wake up the next morning. It would be a shame to have your last memory being one of an argument
 
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sylorna

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Thanks guys for the concerns, support and the laughs

I appreciate the point of view where one does not live with their significant other before marriage, however, I do not subscribe to that belief. I do think though that counseling at some point might be a good idea for all couples. I would also like to say that I wasn't asking for my friends advice, but rather wanted to know what to expect. New situations can be a little scary and difficult to transition into, especially for a worry-wort like me.

We've talked about marriage (or a joining, or whatever you would like to call said ceremony) but I don't want to get engaged until I'm finished schooling (in about a year). I'm 27, have been out of my parents house since I was 20 and am finishing a second undergraduate degree and want to focus on school and not on an upcoming wedding. Plus, I would like to be living together for about a year or two before getting engaged.

On the note of the toilet paper, unfortunately I've already figured that one out. He lives with his parents and his 2 brothers. The 3 boys' bedrooms are upstairs and they share a bathroom. EVERY TIME I come to visit I'm the guy who replaces the toilet paper roll. It might actually be a relief only replacing it after one dude and not 3 lol.

I love happy stories!! Thank you all for everything said


Well, I'm off to pack! only one million boxes left! Man there's a lot in this apartment! lol!
 
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