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Moving in with a boy for the first time - Page 2

post #31 of 46
Thread Starter 
I think they should make a robot that packs for me. How the heck did I manage to pack 4 boxes this afternoon and still end up with a bigger mess than when I started?
Takes talent, I'm telling you!

I'll keep the not fighting in public thing in mind. Especially since I can't manage to get him to not go to bed angry (the way he calms himself down when he's really fuming is to take a nap). Might work
One of the things I like about this boyfriend is that I feel completely free to speak my mind or be angry with him. With the last boyfriend I always felt like I couldn't say or do anything because I was scared of the confrontation and impending breakup. We do bicker semi-regularly and have had 2 major fights during our year and a half, but it feels strangely healthy and refreshing to know that if we have a fight in the end we end up laughing and apologizing and making up. He can almost always get a laugh out of me.
post #32 of 46
I think it's a great idea!!! You never truely know a person until you share a bathroom with them

Blake and I moved in together after 6 months. We were both in college and it was the most economical. Plus neither one of us liked our college roommates. We lived in the same apartment building so we knew what it was like to spend a lot of time together, but it was deffinetely different to actually move in together.

It's so much nicer! You have a friend to talk to, someone to cuddle with, and you save a lot of time, money, and stress. When you're dating and living in two different areas you spend a lot of money driving and going out to eat. I was/am in college still and moving in with Blake helped me so much! I was a lot less stressed because I had one less thing to worry about. When you live seperately you always stress about "oh my gosh I haven't seen him for two days!" When you live together you see eachother everyday and you don't need to go to a movie or out to eat!

I say go for it! You'll love it! The bickering probably will go up, but that goes with the territory. You're going to bicker with anyone you spend that much time with. Blake and I have been dating for a little over 2 1/2 years, you'll find it's a GREAT idea to have somewhere to go, or something to do without your SO at least once a week. We get a little cranky with eachother or forget how much we love eachother without those small breaks every now and again.
post #33 of 46
Originally Posted by RobertM View Post
I do it every. single. time. AND --- this is really going to blow your mind --- I always keep the seat down.

No need to apologize; I'm used to the male bashing on this site.
Robert, all of us women love you. You're from NY. The women on TCS will never talk about Noo Yorkrs ever again.

I have read the comments since I made mine and I would like to expand upon mine, even though I have posted bits and pieces of this before.

I picked up DH at the baggage claim at Detroit metro when he was working as an engineer at Ford and I was a second year MBA at U of M. We hooked up at the baggage claim in Dec. in NY because we both went to Cornell. He picked me up when I got back in Jan. and pretty soon I spent a great deal of time with him. Wonderful man, exactly who I wanted except for the fact that he is a slob. I asked him if he didn't think that I wanted to move in with him if I cleaned the bathroom. He responded that he wouldn't mind and he thought we were living together already. We were, as I stayed at his place and commuted to Ann Arbor.

George is still the love of my life and now I live in a messy house. I couldn't change him about that and our daughter just inherited it. I gave up and decided that a great hubby and children were more important than a clean. I just hire maids.

About the joint or separate bank accounts, I had my own until we were married a year and a half when we moved to CA. We opened a joint account and I went by my married name and not my maiden name anymore.

26 years married.
post #34 of 46
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
When I moved from Maryland to Minnesota, yes we were living together BUT we were engaged at the time and had a wedding date set up.

I'm sorry, but I have to polietly say that's hipocrital. There's no difference between living together engaged or not engaged, you're still not married.

I don't see any reason you shouldn't live together before marriage unless you do it for religious reasons. Beings that I'm not religious I have no desire to marry someone that I've never known as a roomate.

I'm the oldest cousin on both sides of the family and I've always tried to be a good role model. I'm 21 have been dating this guy for a little over 2 1/2 years, I've never been pregnant, I'm a Junior at the University of Iowa, and I don't plan to be married or have kids till I'm done with school and have a house with my SO.
post #35 of 46
You've received a lot of good advice. There are a lot of benefits to coming home and having someone to love.

I would recommend that you always keep some money strictly in your name, maybe a checking account or savings account. This would be some insurance in case something unexpected happened and you would be guaranteed access to it.
post #36 of 46
I'll do a little searching and see if I can find any kind of basic questionnaire on how you both feel about the important issues. If I can find something, I would hope you guys would take the time to fill it out separately without being together to "cheat". Then after each is done, sit down and go over what each other wrote.

This will only work if you both are 100% honest in your answers and are not writing what you think the other person will expect.

You need to know your expections/goals and desires.

This is about the only thing (its a book) that you might want to get. Most of the questionnaires online are Biblical based. Maybe someone else can find a more secular questionnaire/website.
post #37 of 46
First off, I would like to wish you & your boyfriend the best in your relationship! Moving in together is a big step

Me and my fiance moved in together only a month after dating. We've been together for 3 years now, and are engaged to be married July 2009 We've always gotten along wonderfully, we understand eachother and have experienced a lot together, more than some married couples I know. We've gone through deaths, job losses, unemployment, floods, losing everything we own, and we're back on top of the world now. We've pulled ourselves back together and we are eachother's support. We never had any sort of counseling when we first moved in together, I guess we just 'knew' we both wanted to be together forever
We both split the bills 50/50; and we split the chores too. We both know what needs to be done, and we do it, we don't argue much over anything really And we really don't know much more than living together since we've lived together ever since we've been together

I wish you both only the best! I know you can find counseling out there (if your looking for it!) thats outside the church. Just look in the phone book for an Outpatient Mental Health Clinic. You should be able to find Family and/or Marriage Counseling
post #38 of 46
Hi Hun!!
Nice to see you posting!! Gotta have our catch up!

Firstly congratulations as well! As long as you are happy with your partner moving in is just a big step and you dont need to be engaged or married.

Trav and I have been living together now for a year, and yes we do have some issues with chores, but he is not fussy like my father. My dad needs everything clean and would prefer a housewife, FH of course would like a nice clean house everyday but its just impossible with so much work and stress about the move ect ect.

I can only tell you in the one year we have been together we only beeetched at each other once and that was last weekend. It was a combination with PMS and a total stress of the move. I addressed my concers and he has been better about everything this weekend so far has been a nice relaxing and calming one.

When you move in, you need to make sure who is paying what, FH and I pay together and I mainly manage the financial things.
He has given me access to his bank account as he trusts me. He trusted me from day one.

In every relationship there is a rough patch, when i see that he is in a bad mood i will go into the other room and spend time with the cats, ususally he cools off with in 30 mins and will come and tell me about his problems.

Communication is the key, dont let anything bottle you up because it will just ruin the relationship.

Like another poster said, you dont know until late in the relationship if it was right or wrong, and if it will be wrong then think of it this way, you have made a big step and you can improve things in the future.

Enjoy it! Its really fun!
post #39 of 46
One simple thing...


If you both communicate your feelings all the will be just fine.

Congratulations, it will be great!
post #40 of 46
What an exciting time for you! Rob and I met each other 13 years ago. I finished my degree at University of Toronto and just came back from a European trip when I met him. I needed to get out of the dorm I was living in and I moved in with him a week later. I knew it was right the first time I met him and we're still going strong. Even without a marriage!

Each person will have their own opinions on what you should or should not do. But it's your life and you have to live it according to your own dreams and values. Keep your mind straight and your heart strong and you should do fine.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
But you should get some things out in the open and out of the way first!

1. Division of expenses.

2. Household chores.
I totally agree with Natalie on talking about expenses and chores before moving in with each other. Since you'll be living together 24/7 these two things can cause many problems with couples. Personally, I have found the best way is to keep a household bank account and then separate bank accounts for each of you. Then, you transfer your portion of rent/food/etc into the household account but keep control of your own money in your account.

Originally Posted by Sylorna View Post
......I'm 27, have been out of my parents house since I was 20 ......
To me, that's the key. Living on your own before moving in with someone else. I have seen too many friends move from their parents house straight into a partner's house and have no idea how to deal with money/chores/etc. Both Rob and I have lived on our own from the age of 20, so we both know how to cook,clean, manage money before we met each other. I couldn't stand moving in with a momma's boy who expected me to do his laundry and cook for him!!

Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post

It is my personal opinion that you truly don't know someone until you live with them 24/7. Also, before marriage and while dating both people are usually on their best behaviour. Put them in the same house day after day and the facade is eliminated. Being together, married or not, is not a piece of cake. There is give and take and maturity will assist greatly.....
Totaly agree with Linda.

Originally Posted by babyharley View Post
....... We've gone through deaths, job losses, unemployment, floods, losing everything we own, and we're back on top of the world now. We've pulled ourselves back together and we are each other's support. We never had any sort of counseling when we first moved in together, I guess we just 'knew' we both wanted to be together forever .......
We've had similar experiences. If you can hold together well through the tough patches and support each other, you should do fine. As others have said, communication and respect is the key.

Life is short, live it to the fullest.
post #41 of 46
Living together beforehand allows both partners to discover and deal with countless potential pitfalls while you're still in "test" mode -- which greatly relieves the pressure on the eventual marriage.

Considering the agonizing legal entanglements of divorce, I think it's foolish to marry anyone you haven't lived with, argued with, and gone through hell-and-high-water with for at least a year or two.

Marriage is extremely painful to take apart. You don't want to put it together until you're as certain of success as it's humanly possible to be, and living together is the only way to be that certain.

Having said that, however: please don't let your friends's horror stories scare you! Your relationship (whether married or just cohabiting) can be whatever the two of you decide to make it! If you and your beloved consciously choose every single day to be honest, caring, and kind to one another, you will not repeat the failures of others.

Good luck!
post #42 of 46
I moved in with my Husband in 1999 and we had been together since Feb 1994.Of course we argue sometimes its normal. We got married in Dec 2003.
post #43 of 46
My piece of advice:

Appreciate the job/chore/task if it gets done, regardless of whether or not it was done to your "standard". For awhile you may find yourself redoing it, at some point you'll realize its a waste and accept it as is.

I didn't live with my husband before we were married and I don't regret that for a minute but I don't judge people by the choice they make.

Good luck and may you always check the toilet seat before you sit down in the dark

post #44 of 46
Travis and I were together for 2 years when we first moved in together- I was 19 he was 20. I will warn was ROUGH! I grew up a very spoiled person. I got everything handed to me and didn't really have chores to do. I did work part time when I lived at home but if I needed money, my parents were ALWAYS there. Travis and I fought a lot because I felt I never had to pitch in and help with chores. I did get a full time job-I just wasn't responsible with money. He pays the rent since he makes waaaaay more than me and I pay ALL the utilities. We had that figured out since DAY ONE. I have never needed his help to pay the bills.

One night after a big fight-me not doing chores AGAIN, we talked and decided that we should go to counseling or we were not going to make it together. Couseling SAVED MY RELATIONSHIP! After 3 and a half years of living together we have never been happier and don't fight very often anymore. Although I still am the WORST housewife EVER! But he loves me regardless and we don't fight about it anymore....It's just not worth it.

My grandma gave me the greatest advice when I asked her she and my grandpa were so happily married after 60 years. She said "PICK YOUR BATTLES. When you have a fight, ask yourself 'Is this really worth fighting about?' 9 out of 10 times it won't be!" And she is soooo right! I will have to find the email she sent me and post it. It was filled with wonderful advice and obviously made me cry. I want so much to be like my grandparents were that Travis and I work so hard at our relationship!

After all this time together-5 and a half years-I know that Travis is the man I have been waiting for. We have been through A LOT together! Know that sometimes you WILL have to work at it but DON'T GIVE UP! ESPECIALLY if you know it feels so right!
post #45 of 46
I noticed a lot of you mentioned about the living together and fights.

Because we didn't live together and got to know each other by phone/computer and talked EVERY day to each other; asking millions of questions........I am proud to say that we have NEVER had a fight in the 6 yrs we have been married.

I know a lot of you will find it hard to believe or I'm lying about it, but its 100% true. We have not had a fight like other couples. If we have a disagreement about something, we talk about it and discuss it to mutual agreement.

This was especially good when we had situations involving the kids and what they could/couldn't do - we first discussed it with each other and then presented a united front for the decision for the child involved. Many times they didn't like the answer and tried to pit one against the other, but we were a lot smarter then they thought we were

We learned the art and necessity of COMMUNICATION. And we both had enough of the yelling/screaming/crying/fighting in the 1st marriages that we honestly did not want to ever go down that road again.

Think about it.
post #46 of 46
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
We learned the art and necessity of COMMUNICATION.
Absolutely fundamental, yes ma'am!

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
And we both had enough of the yelling/screaming/crying/fighting in the 1st marriages that we honestly did not want to ever go down that road again.
Exactly! A training-wheel period is invaluable in learning how to conduct a happy relationship. For some people, it's living together; for others, it's a first marriage that fails, but teaches you how to make the second one better.
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