Moving in with a boy for the first time

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sylorna

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Natalie:

fortunately we've already discussed a lot of what's on your list. For example, we are going to be getting a bank account very soon at the bank we will be moving above...but of course have our own separate bank accounts.
Also he hates doing dishes and I'm a bit of a slob/student so I have purchased a used dishwasher to help us both out and prevent dishes fights.
We each have our own friends, and have never had problems with having personal time with them, in fact we spend quite a bit of time making sure the other person has enough time with other people.

That sure is some solid advice though
It's the compromising that I'm going to have the hardest time with. I've been living alone for 2 years now and have always had a hard time compromising with old roommates. Hopefully maturity, awareness and a closer relationship will give the extra shove I need to learn my lesson.
 

baloneysmom

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Originally Posted by Sylorna

Natalie:
That sure is some solid advice though
It's the compromising that I'm going to have the hardest time with. I've been living alone for 2 years now and have always had a hard time compromising with old roommates. Hopefully maturity, awareness and a closer relationship will give the extra shove I need to learn my lesson.
Well, you sure do sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, know where you are going in life, and know what you want. You guys will be great. As I said, I love living with my boyfriend. Did we fight when we first moved in together? Hell ya we did. But it was a learning experience in how to communicate with each other. Be excited
this is a new journey in life. There is nothing better then sharing your world with someone you love.
 

natalie_ca

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Oh yeah, forgot. I meant to tell you to make sure you both keep the lines of communication flowing between you.

If you have something on your mind, don't stomp around or give the silent treatment or bite your tongue and say "nothing" when asked if something is wrong. Sit down and talk things out.

Communication is the key to a successful relationship. There should be no secrets or lies of omission. With proper communication you are both aware of what the other is feeling and thinking, and there is no guessing games or head games involved.
 

goldenkitty45

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You don't have to go to church or be religious to attend the Pre-Marriage courses - just call up a few churches and ask them.

IMO its better to attend one then to not because you don't like church/religion - its for YOUR benefit!
 

sohni

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I appreciate your advice, it's a personal choice that I won't attend anything with connections to a church or organized religion. If the occasion should arise that I need that type of counseling, I'll do some research.
 

yosemite

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Originally Posted by Sohni

I wonder if there are any marriage counseling options that don't come through a church. My supervisor is going through a divorce and she says she wishes that they had done some counseling beforehand. Marriage was nothing like what she expected.

I am not religious however, so I would prefer something a bit different than what GoldenKitty suggests.
I'm not certain, of course, but you should be able to find some type of counselling outside a church setting.

Originally Posted by Sohni

I appreciate your advice, it's a personal choice that I won't attend anything with connections to a church or organized religion. If the occasion should arise that I need that type of counseling, I'll do some research.
I feel the same as you. I had the pre-marriage counselling and not living together with my first husband. The marriage lasted 4 years. I found the church counselling focused too much on right/wrong issues and less on day-to-day actual living issues. With my current husband of almost 31 years, we went to his pastor who gave us the big lecture on not living together and that I would need an annulment before he would consider marrying us, etc. ad nauseum. We sort of eloped (got married in Florida), had a great party for our friends on our return and the rest, as they say, is history.

It is my personal opinion that you truly don't know someone until you live with them 24/7. Also, before marriage and while dating both people are usually on their best behaviour. Put them in the same house day after day and the facade is eliminated. Being together, married or not, is not a piece of cake. There is give and take and maturity will assist greatly. Sounds as though you have the maturity it will take although there will be rough spots as in all relationships.
 
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sylorna

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ummm....well, there's the stereotypical "crazy cat lady" but I dislike that all together...given that I myself have some psychological quirks (anxiety disorder) and love cats.
I guess what I meant is by getting my daily company inside the home from my cats and not from a roommate or Significant other.
Afterall...the little ones love you unconditionally, hardly ever yell (unless you're late with breakfast) and make you laugh.
I've been known to say that men will come and go but my kitties are forever
 

enuja

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It sounds like you've got it all figured out; good luck!

When my boyfriend and I got an apartment together, we didn't start fighting more. We really like hanging out with each other, so that was good. The huge change was that we stopped leaving the house. Before we moved in together, we'd often go out (to the beach, to go on a long walk) to hang out. Once we moved in together, we didn't need to leave the apartment to be social with each other, so we didn't. And that was kind of a problem. It can be too easy to be too lazy for your own good when you're living with someone who you are simply comfortable around. We've recently (after he sold his car, so now we have our feet and that's it) been going out walking a LOT more, and it's really great. So my only warning is to pay attention to your outside social life, even when you're just socializing with your boyfriend.

And there is definitely secular pre-marriage counseling available.
 

krazy kat2

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This is my 3rd serious relationship. The first one died, the second one I threw out because he was an abusive dirtbag. My current one has lasted 23 years, and we are not legally married, even though we refer to each other as husband and wife. We were best friends for 6 years before we were a couple, so we knew every bad habit, pet peeve, everything. We fought like maniacs the first 2 years we were together as a couple, and several times I wondered if we would make it without killing each other.
I met a woman who if she was awake she was giving her boyfriend hell about any little tiny thing. Then she had to tell her friends about it. Her favorite sentence was "I raised hell." He just stopped listening to her. It really opened my eyes. Now before I fuss at him about anything, I ask myself if this is really going to matter tomorrow. When I started picking my battles, things got a lot better. He knows if I am upset about something it is important to me, so he listens. Nagging continuously is definitely the way to get someone to stop listening. (not that I am saying you do that) One thing we agreed on is that we will never argue in public. Many times by the time we got home we had forgotten about it. That has been my experience living together. I wish you the best of luck in your decision.
 
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sylorna

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I think they should make a robot that packs for me. How the heck did I manage to pack 4 boxes this afternoon and still end up with a bigger mess than when I started?
Takes talent, I'm telling you!

I'll keep the not fighting in public thing in mind. Especially since I can't manage to get him to not go to bed angry (the way he calms himself down when he's really fuming is to take a nap). Might work

One of the things I like about this boyfriend is that I feel completely free to speak my mind or be angry with him. With the last boyfriend I always felt like I couldn't say or do anything because I was scared of the confrontation and impending breakup. We do bicker semi-regularly and have had 2 major fights during our year and a half, but it feels strangely healthy and refreshing to know that if we have a fight in the end we end up laughing and apologizing and making up. He can almost always get a laugh out of me.
 

EnzoLeya

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I think it's a great idea!!! You never truely know a person until you share a bathroom with them


Blake and I moved in together after 6 months. We were both in college and it was the most economical. Plus neither one of us liked our college roommates. We lived in the same apartment building so we knew what it was like to spend a lot of time together, but it was deffinetely different to actually move in together.

It's so much nicer! You have a friend to talk to, someone to cuddle with, and you save a lot of time, money, and stress. When you're dating and living in two different areas you spend a lot of money driving and going out to eat. I was/am in college still and moving in with Blake helped me so much! I was a lot less stressed because I had one less thing to worry about. When you live seperately you always stress about "oh my gosh I haven't seen him for two days!" When you live together you see eachother everyday and you don't need to go to a movie or out to eat!

I say go for it! You'll love it! The bickering probably will go up, but that goes with the territory. You're going to bicker with anyone you spend that much time with. Blake and I have been dating for a little over 2 1/2 years, you'll find it's a GREAT idea to have somewhere to go, or something to do without your SO at least once a week. We get a little cranky with eachother or forget how much we love eachother without those small breaks every now and again.
 

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Originally Posted by RobertM

I do it every. single. time. AND --- this is really going to blow your mind --- I always keep the seat down.

No need to apologize; I'm used to the male bashing on this site.
Robert, all of us women love you.
You're from NY. The women on TCS will never talk about Noo Yorkrs ever again.


I have read the comments since I made mine and I would like to expand upon mine, even though I have posted bits and pieces of this before.

I picked up DH at the baggage claim at Detroit metro when he was working as an engineer at Ford and I was a second year MBA at U of M. We hooked up at the baggage claim in Dec. in NY because we both went to Cornell. He picked me up when I got back in Jan. and pretty soon I spent a great deal of time with him. Wonderful man, exactly who I wanted except for the fact that he is a slob. I asked him if he didn't think that I wanted to move in with him if I cleaned the bathroom. He responded that he wouldn't mind and he thought we were living together already.
We were, as I stayed at his place and commuted to Ann Arbor.

George is still the love of my life and now I live in a messy house. I couldn't change him about that and our daughter just inherited it. I gave up and decided that a great hubby and children were more important than a clean. I just hire maids.


About the joint or separate bank accounts, I had my own until we were married a year and a half when we moved to CA. We opened a joint account and I went by my married name and not my maiden name anymore.

26 years married.
 

EnzoLeya

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Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

When I moved from Maryland to Minnesota, yes we were living together BUT we were engaged at the time and had a wedding date set up.
I'm sorry, but I have to polietly say that's hipocrital. There's no difference between living together engaged or not engaged, you're still not married.

I don't see any reason you shouldn't live together before marriage unless you do it for religious reasons. Beings that I'm not religious I have no desire to marry someone that I've never known as a roomate.


I'm the oldest cousin on both sides of the family and I've always tried to be a good role model. I'm 21 have been dating this guy for a little over 2 1/2 years, I've never been pregnant, I'm a Junior at the University of Iowa, and I don't plan to be married or have kids till I'm done with school and have a house with my SO.
 

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You've received a lot of good advice. There are a lot of benefits to coming home and having someone to love.

I would recommend that you always keep some money strictly in your name, maybe a checking account or savings account. This would be some insurance in case something unexpected happened and you would be guaranteed access to it.
 

goldenkitty45

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I'll do a little searching and see if I can find any kind of basic questionnaire on how you both feel about the important issues. If I can find something, I would hope you guys would take the time to fill it out separately without being together to "cheat". Then after each is done, sit down and go over what each other wrote.

This will only work if you both are 100% honest in your answers and are not writing what you think the other person will expect.

You need to know your expections/goals and desires.



http://www.questionsforcouples.com/

This is about the only thing (its a book) that you might want to get. Most of the questionnaires online are Biblical based. Maybe someone else can find a more secular questionnaire/website.
 

babyharley

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First off, I would like to wish you & your boyfriend the best in your relationship! Moving in together is a big step


Me and my fiance moved in together only a month after dating. We've been together for 3 years now, and are engaged to be married July 2009
We've always gotten along wonderfully, we understand eachother and have experienced a lot together, more than some married couples I know. We've gone through deaths, job losses, unemployment, floods, losing everything we own, and we're back on top of the world now. We've pulled ourselves back together and we are eachother's support. We never had any sort of counseling when we first moved in together, I guess we just 'knew' we both wanted to be together forever

We both split the bills 50/50; and we split the chores too. We both know what needs to be done, and we do it, we don't argue much over anything really
And we really don't know much more than living together since we've lived together ever since we've been together


I wish you both only the best! I know you can find counseling out there (if your looking for it!) thats outside the church. Just look in the phone book for an Outpatient Mental Health Clinic. You should be able to find Family and/or Marriage Counseling
 

fwan

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Hi Hun!!
Nice to see you posting!!
Gotta have our catch up!

Firstly congratulations as well! As long as you are happy with your partner moving in is just a big step and you dont need to be engaged or married.

Trav and I have been living together now for a year, and yes we do have some issues with chores, but he is not fussy like my father. My dad needs everything clean and would prefer a housewife, FH of course would like a nice clean house everyday but its just impossible with so much work and stress about the move ect ect.

I can only tell you in the one year we have been together we only beeetched at each other once and that was last weekend. It was a combination with PMS and a total stress of the move. I addressed my concers and he has been better about everything this weekend so far has been a nice relaxing and calming one.

When you move in, you need to make sure who is paying what, FH and I pay together and I mainly manage the financial things.
He has given me access to his bank account as he trusts me. He trusted me from day one.

In every relationship there is a rough patch, when i see that he is in a bad mood i will go into the other room and spend time with the cats, ususally he cools off with in 30 mins and will come and tell me about his problems.

Communication is the key, dont let anything bottle you up because it will just ruin the relationship.

Like another poster said, you dont know until late in the relationship if it was right or wrong, and if it will be wrong then think of it this way, you have made a big step and you can improve things in the future.

Enjoy it! Its really fun!
 

trouts mom

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One simple thing...

COMMUNICATE!

If you both communicate your feelings all the time...you will be just fine.


Congratulations, it will be great!
 

russian blue

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What an exciting time for you!
Rob and I met each other 13 years ago. I finished my degree at University of Toronto and just came back from a European trip when I met him. I needed to get out of the dorm I was living in and I moved in with him a week later. I knew it was right the first time I met him and we're still going strong. Even without a marriage!


Each person will have their own opinions on what you should or should not do. But it's your life and you have to live it according to your own dreams and values. Keep your mind straight and your heart strong and you should do fine.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

But you should get some things out in the open and out of the way first!

1. Division of expenses.


2. Household chores.
I totally agree with Natalie on talking about expenses and chores before moving in with each other. Since you'll be living together 24/7 these two things can cause many problems with couples. Personally, I have found the best way is to keep a household bank account and then separate bank accounts for each of you. Then, you transfer your portion of rent/food/etc into the household account but keep control of your own money in your account.



Originally Posted by Sylorna

......I'm 27, have been out of my parents house since I was 20 ......
To me, that's the key. Living on your own before moving in with someone else. I have seen too many friends move from their parents house straight into a partner's house and have no idea how to deal with money/chores/etc. Both Rob and I have lived on our own from the age of 20, so we both know how to cook,clean, manage money before we met each other. I couldn't stand moving in with a momma's boy who expected me to do his laundry and cook for him!!


Originally Posted by Yosemite

It is my personal opinion that you truly don't know someone until you live with them 24/7. Also, before marriage and while dating both people are usually on their best behaviour. Put them in the same house day after day and the facade is eliminated. Being together, married or not, is not a piece of cake. There is give and take and maturity will assist greatly.....
Totaly agree with Linda.


Originally Posted by babyharley

....... We've gone through deaths, job losses, unemployment, floods, losing everything we own, and we're back on top of the world now. We've pulled ourselves back together and we are each other's support. We never had any sort of counseling when we first moved in together, I guess we just 'knew' we both wanted to be together forever
.......
We've had similar experiences. If you can hold together well through the tough patches and support each other, you should do fine. As others have said, communication and respect is the key.

Life is short, live it to the fullest.
 
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