Relationship...

Have any of you ever been in a relationship where there is an unequal amount of love involved? If so how did you resolve the tention it creates.

I have been in my current relationship for 11 months as of yesterday and I am pretty happy with it but the fact that my girl can drive me up a wall most of the time makes me question how much I love her. It feels like I spend 90% of my time repressing negative feelings towards her. When she calls I sometimes actually shutter because I don't want to talk to her and then I try to quickly find an excuse to get off the phone.

I know I care about her though because when I try to end the relationship I just can't do it because it would crush her. She loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She has said that many times and I believe her and when I think about it, the being together forever part, it just makes me feel uneasy. If this was a good healthy relationship that uneasyness shouldn't be there. She doesn't know how I feel because I can't really tell her how I feel with out her flying off the handle. She overreacts to EVERYTHING and is very childish which isn't good when your 30.

Two Examples:

1) We were playing Monopoly the other day and I was winning. She gets mad, throws the dice across the room and then curls up in the fetal position and starts balling because I am winning(she had beaten the pants off of me the last two games). When I go to build houses she starts crying again and asks me why I am doing this to her. She has no problem building 4 hotels on a property when she is winning but when I try to build houses she lays on the guilt.

2) After the game of Monopoly ends, no winner I gave in and traded her 90 percent of my properties and then we decided to quit she asks me to spend the night with her because its 3:30 and she doesn't want me driving home that late. I politely said "I would rather stay at the hotel tonight" because I am sick and tired of her behavior from the last 5 hours of Monopoly. I said it very camly and in a non-insulting way and she starts balling again. After I calm her down she asks again if I would stay and I say again "I would rather not." Get gets up out of bed and sits in front of the door to her room so I can't leave and then starts to cry again. I calm her down again and again she asks if I stay and by this time I am a little angry at her for acting this way so I lose my cool and say "If I stay its because I want you to be happy, not because I want to". Again she gets in the fetal position and starts balling. Long story short I stayed there that night but we didn't stop fighting until 5 AM and she had to work at 10:30 the next morning.

After that night I have really questioned if I wanted to be in the relationship with someone who can act that way at 30. She almost seems borderline bi-polor with her mood shifts and its very hard to deal with. I love her, if I didn't I wouldn't stay with her but I am starting to get worn out and tired of this relationship. I am honestly only staying because I don't want to hurt her, I care so much that I am willing to stay in this relationship to make her happy but its not fair to me, and its not really fair to her.

How should I fix this?

you can't fix it. she is choosing to behave that way and you are allowing her too.

you haven't mentioned one thing you like or love about her, just a lot that you don't.

Originally Posted by tab

you can't fix it. she is choosing to behave that way and you are allowing her too.

you haven't mentioned one thing you like or love about her, just a lot that you don't.

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Cant say it better then that really. Are you really willing to risk happiness for the rest of your life becasue your worried about hurting someones feelings? Yes, she will probably be hurt but not to be too harsh, everyone needs and will get hurt at some point in thiers lives. Its how we learn about things. She will get over it eventually BUT if you stay, you are unhappy forever.

Back in this thread of yours, many people posted concerns about your relationship, despite you repeatedly sticking up for her. I don't think anyone's opinions are going to change, especially with what you have posted now.

My feelings about your relationship with this girl have been said time and again in this thread, as well as others:

http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=171157

So I won't bother to repeat them here.

In short, she's using you!

How should you fix it? Dump her!

You have already received a lot of good advice, and I know how hard it can be to implement it, especially when you know none of us are in your situation.

I do want to add, though, that from the posts that I have read from you about her and your relationship, it honestly does not sound like you are in love with her. You sound like a wonderful, sweet guy, and it sure sounds like you care for her a lot, but that is different from being IN LOVE with her. One of the best ways to think about it is, ask yourself "Can I see myself with this person when we're 80?". It already sounds like that answer is no.

It would be such a shame for you to spend the rest of your life, or even just a few more years, with this woman that you are not in love with just because you don't want to hurt her. As silvionc said, this will be a great learning experience for her. You may or may not break her heart if you leave her, but it won't kill her and she will benefit from it in the long run. She has to learn just as you are.

Whatever you decide to do, for you!

I've been where you are, with a woman who behaved just like this. She needs help, and you're enabling her to stay sick by allowing the behavior you're describing.

It sounds harsh, but trust someone who has been in your shoes. Once she gets the help she needs, she may become a person whom you can love and with whom you can have a stable relationship. But she is not that person now.

My advice to you is this: leave her, or give her an ultimatum if you really want to stick it out: get help, or you're leaving.

You can't force her to get better, but you can push her in that direction and/or remove yourself from the situation.

You really want my advice? It sounds to me as if she is indeed borderline/bi-polar, and that you are "addicted" to her and enabling her. How do I know this? Because I was in the same position that you are, several years ago...

You can't change or "fix" her. She has to seek help on her own. And why would you want to stay, if you're as miserable as you are? You even admitted yourself that you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with her. If you feel that way, why waste anymore time with her??

You can't stay with someone you're miserable with, or b/c you're afraid you'll hurt her feelings. It doesn't work that way.

Life is too short. I think it's time to get on with it.

Besides.....if someone can drive you up the wall in less than a year, forget marraige.......it should take years before your mate can drive you up the wall!

Dude...RUN!!!! It's apparent that she hasn't grown up yet. Either that or she knows that crying will force you to give in to what she wants. Do you want to live like that? Either way I would seriously reconsider staying with her.

Okay - I just finished reading the link to the other thread, and all I can say is that you were "warned", and it sounds to me that both of you have a lot of serious issues and really need to grow up.

And I'm sorry, but if I were you, I'd be ashamed of myself. YOUR parents should be your main concern in your life - not some girl who obviously doesn't give a hoot about you or your welfare.

I really have nothing else to say: it's all been said in the other thread.

RUN!! Don't walk, don't pass go, don't collect two hundred dollars!!!!! You need to get out & she needs to get some help!!

Hon, you can't stay with someone out of guilt and that is what you're doing. You already feel guilty because you will hurt her if you end it. Yeah, you will. That is life. You have to look out for you. It is VERY hard to break up with someone but you have to think about what makes you happy...and from what you said she isn't making you happy.

She definitely has some issues. Maybe she IS bi-polar. If that's the case she needs to see a doctor and get on medication. There is no logical reason for a woman of 30 to curl into a fetal position when you say you want to leave. Or to start crying because you are winning at Monopoly.

Every couple has their problems, but these are too extreme to ignore. And you realize this or else you wouldn't have posted it. I agree with everyone else...get out of it. If she does have bi-polar issues, it is up to you if you want to be there as a friend, but as for a "relationship" this one is doomed if she stays the way she is.

And this woman is supposedly 30?

I'd






Seriously!

Originally Posted by algebrapro18

I know I care about her though because when I try to end the relationship I just can't do it because it would crush her.

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That is not a reason to stay with her. You would be settling, resulting in a lot of resentment toward her later. You will argue a lot and the behavior you are currently complaining about will multiply.

Sorry, but staying with someone just to not hurt their feelings isn't the way to go. 30 year olds don't act that way, she sounds like a little kid. And I agree with the others who mentioned one of your previous threads.. the people who posted there saying you should leave her aren't going to say any different. I'd be long gone by now.

From what you have told us about her, between this thread and the previous, she does not sound like someone you should be with. Everyone here has listed countless reasons why you should get rid of her, so I won't waste your time by listing them. (I'm also pretty sure I haven't read anyone actually encouraging you to stay with her.) Breaking up with her will be difficult and painful, but if you are questioning your relationship this much, (and she acts so immaturely!) you have to.

My ex-boyfriend wanted to break up with me, but he didn't want to hurt me. Knowing that he had second thoughts about me hurt me more than anything and I was forced to end the relationship because he couldn't bring himself to do it. We were together over 4 years and I loved him very much.

It will be hard, but I think you should end the relationship rather than drag it out.

Originally Posted by algebrapro18

...She almost seems borderline bi-polor...

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That's a massive understatement. No sane adult behaves this way! Maybe you're too close to the situation to recognize this poor woman for what she is: a deeply disturbed individual with severe mental illness.

No wonder she's still living with her parents. I hope she's getting help with this! If she's not, maybe that's the role you're supposed to fulfill in her life: persuading her family to get her to a psychiatrist.

And then, in my opinion, you should get completely out of her life. You can't fix what's wrong with her. It's entirely possible that no one can.