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post #31 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by roxsam View Post
You have posted many, many times about this relationship, have gotten TONS of excellent input and advice and you have taken NONE of the advice. You obviously are going to do your own thing, good or bad, no matter what anybody has to say about it.
Very frustrating.
post #32 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by algebrapro18 View Post
Have any of you ever been in a relationship where there is an unequal amount of love involved? If so how did you resolve the tention it creates.
I have been in functional relationships with different "amounts" of love. That's not the problem. The problem is that you are not happy in this relationship, so you need to leave. I've had the depth of love mismatched in different directions at different times, even in the same relationship. This isn't the problem. As long as both people are happy, the relationship can be great. As soon as one person isn't getting enough attention or love, that unhappy person needs to bring up the problem and either insist on more attention or leave the relationship. Again, this isn't your problem. You say you have less love, yet you're unhappy; that's not even a relationship, really, from your perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by algebrapro18
I have been in my current relationship for 11 months as of yesterday and I am pretty happy with it but the fact that my girl can drive me up a wall most of the time makes me question how much I love her.
Others have asked, you haven't had the time to answer, but I'll repeat the question anyway, what exactly, about this relationship makes you happy? The fact that you are in a relationship does not count.

Quote:
Originally Posted by algebrapro18
I know I care about her though because when I try to end the relationship I just can't do it because it would crush her.
Worrying about the pain she'll feel when you dump her does not mean that you care about her; all it means is that you are human being with empathy.

Look; you are going to dump her. Eventually. You have serious problems with her, she doesn't make you happy, you don't want to settle down with her and she does want to settle down with you.

How much pain would she feel if you dumped her now? How much pain would she feel if you dumped her ten years from now? Dumping her now will actually reduce the pain she'll feel about her relationship with you. It might also give her a chance to learn how to be a better person, and it might get her into treatment that she needs.

So, do the best thing for her; dump her.
post #33 of 48
Thread Starter 
She can make me happy its just...that seems to slip away quickly when the other things start. If she could somehow get better, via medication or psychological help, then I could see my self being happy with her. She does make me laugh and smile and when I first went up there that was by far the best time of my life. We didn't have one argument and she seemed much more even emotionally and thats when I fell in love with her. That was in March and since then she has worn on me to the point where I am questioning the relationship. We have a lot in common and we share some of the same idiosyncrasies that are so odd that its weird to find someone who has the same ones.

To answer another posters questions: Her relationship with her parents is strained to put it mildly. She is defiantly seen as the black sheep of the family even though she lives at home. Lately she can't go a week with out her parents threatening to throw her out of the house and there are at least 3 screaming matches between her and her mother a week that I get to be put on hold for and then I get the job of fixing her after.

I think thats the problem, I am so tired of fixing her, I don't mind her getting as upset as she does, I am just tired of having to try to cheer her up afterwards because its like she hears NOTHING I say, I might as well talk to a wall. She gets sad and will stay sad until she is ready to be happy again no matter what I do or say. Not being able to cheer her up makes me feel like a failure as a boyfriend and after 11 months of trying to put her back together when she gets so upset, its left me drained.

She also has a few close friends that she gets together with every once in a while, two of which I have met and really like. She has one guy friend that she hangs out with all the time but on a scale of 1-10 for gayness he is about a 1000 so I know there is nothing going on between the two of them. That and he knows that I will kill him if he ever touches her in a not just friends way.

I realized something when I was up there last time, I misinterpret a lot of things as being mad at me when she is mad about other things just expresses it when I interact with her. She could be perfectly happy with me but still yell and snap at me, and I have so much empathy that I think its placed at me. Her family has taught her that the way you communicate anything is to yell it and I'm not used to that. Yelling to me symbolizes unhappiness with the person your yelling at and she could be perfectly happy and still yell and her entire family is that way, its just how they communicate.

She has also had one boyfriend before me but it only lasted about 3 weeks and ended pretty abruptly from what I can decipher. She hasn't really spoken that much about him all I know is that he was "obsessed" with The Simpsons and that he gave her her first real kiss but thats as far as they went.
post #34 of 48
sounds like you need to do some growing up.
post #35 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by algebrapro18 View Post
its like she hears NOTHING I say, I might as well talk to a wall.
That's exactly how many of us here are feeling when you repeatedly ask for advice about this disfunctional relationship, and completely ignore what we have repeatedly told you.
post #36 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by algebrapro18 View Post
She can make me happy its just...that seems to slip away quickly when the other things start. If she could somehow get better, via medication or psychological help, then I could see my self being happy with her. She does make me laugh and smile and when I first went up there that was by far the best time of my life. We didn't have one argument and she seemed much more even emotionally and thats when I fell in love with her. That was in March and since then she has worn on me to the point where I am questioning the relationship. We have a lot in common and we share some of the same idiosyncrasies that are so odd that its weird to find someone who has the same ones.

To answer another posters questions: Her relationship with her parents is strained to put it mildly. She is defiantly seen as the black sheep of the family even though she lives at home. Lately she can't go a week with out her parents threatening to throw her out of the house and there are at least 3 screaming matches between her and her mother a week that I get to be put on hold for and then I get the job of fixing her after.

I think thats the problem, I am so tired of fixing her, I don't mind her getting as upset as she does, I am just tired of having to try to cheer her up afterwards because its like she hears NOTHING I say, I might as well talk to a wall. She gets sad and will stay sad until she is ready to be happy again no matter what I do or say. Not being able to cheer her up makes me feel like a failure as a boyfriend and after 11 months of trying to put her back together when she gets so upset, its left me drained.

She also has a few close friends that she gets together with every once in a while, two of which I have met and really like. She has one guy friend that she hangs out with all the time but on a scale of 1-10 for gayness he is about a 1000 so I know there is nothing going on between the two of them. That and he knows that I will kill him if he ever touches her in a not just friends way.

I realized something when I was up there last time, I misinterpret a lot of things as being mad at me when she is mad about other things just expresses it when I interact with her. She could be perfectly happy with me but still yell and snap at me, and I have so much empathy that I think its placed at me. Her family has taught her that the way you communicate anything is to yell it and I'm not used to that. Yelling to me symbolizes unhappiness with the person your yelling at and she could be perfectly happy and still yell and her entire family is that way, its just how they communicate.

She has also had one boyfriend before me but it only lasted about 3 weeks and ended pretty abruptly from what I can decipher. She hasn't really spoken that much about him all I know is that he was "obsessed" with The Simpsons and that he gave her her first real kiss but thats as far as they went.

So you're saying she's a 30yr old virgin, still living in her parents house and under thier control, has no job and you're expecting HER to support YOU when you move in with each other?


Dude, either there is something seriously mentally wrong with this chick or you...

To me, it sounds like you're looking for a "Sugar Momma" who will take care of you like your parents do and she has some mental problems that her parents know about but you obviously don't and she's looking for a way out of her parents house.
I truly find it hard to believe that you've spent over $10,000 on this "woman" in gifts and trips to see her especially if you're a college student and are bumming money from your parents.

Please, please, please PLEASE Get help..... for both of you!
post #37 of 48
I'm sorry, but after reading both threads, i find all of this very immature and very fishy. I find some of the details you've given hard to believe.
post #38 of 48
You can't "fix" or or make her feel better. If she is in a bad mood until she decides she's not, there is no communication...she isn't hearing you. That is not a good thing. She needs to fix herself and it sounds like it's going to take therapy or medication for that.

She is 30 years old and had 1 boyfriend that gave her her first kiss and that's it? Why?

Her way of communicating is with yelling or screaming at you because that is what her family does? Sounds like the entire family needs therapy. It is one thing to "vent" about something to your partner. I come home from work and vent to DH (god love him) about the stupid people I had to deal with, but nothing is directed at him. Sometimes I snap at him because I'm upset about something or stressed, but I realize what I'm doing and apologize. He does the same thing. If she is yelling at you personally that sounds like she expects you to rescue you and if mad because you haven't. But that's not your job...that's hers. She has to take control of her own life and you have step back and let her do it on her own.

I agree with everyone else....get out. She isn't making you happy now. When you first met her in person of course you were happy...it was like a honeymoon. But, now you are seeing the real person. The difference is you aren't obligated to stay with her. You are young and you don't want to be stuck with someone you ultimately will resent because you didn't care enough about your happiness to break up with her when you could.
post #39 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin View Post
So you're saying she's a 30yr old virgin, still living in her parents house and under thier control, has no job and you're expecting HER to support YOU when you move in with each other?


Dude, either there is something seriously mentally wrong with this chick or you...

To me, it sounds like you're looking for a "Sugar Momma" who will take care of you like your parents do and she has some mental problems that her parents know about but you obviously don't and she's looking for a way out of her parents house.
I truly find it hard to believe that you've spent over $10,000 on this "woman" in gifts and trips to see her especially if you're a college student and are bumming money from your parents.

Please, please, please PLEASE Get help..... for both of you!
I totally agree with Dixie Darling.

But just maybe you guys are the perfect match for each other. Seems like you both have problems that only professional help can take care of. Sorry to be so blunt....it's just what I get from your posts.
post #40 of 48
Can you answer my question please?.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
In the 11 months that you've been seeing her, how many times have you actually seen her?, because from your previous threads it doesn't sound like it's been many, and if that's the case if you can't manage a long distance relationship then you can't live with each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by algebrapro18 View Post
She has one guy friend that she hangs out with all the time but on a scale of 1-10 for gayness he is about a 1000 so I know there is nothing going on between the two of them. That and he knows that I will kill him if he ever touches her in a not just friends way.
You know he's gay, you know nothings going on, yet if he touches her you'll kill him?.

You've got major insecurity issues i'm afraid.
post #41 of 48
From all your descriptions of her I see many red flags. There is a reason as you said she is the black sheep of the family. I do not think she is entirely stable.
I would end this relationship the sooner the better. I think it is probably a good thing that you live far away from each other so you won't run into her after ending the relationship.

From your description she seems a bit scary and creepy.
post #42 of 48
This sounds like the classic description of a co-dependent relationship. Putting an unhealthy relationship above other important things in your life--like your sick parents, and her getting hysterical because you want to leave and stay in a hotel, plus making you go to her work and choir practices? That's not normal, it sounds a little obsessive.

I think you're waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear. From what you've told us, this seems like a very unhealthy relationship. Of course you can do what you want--hopefully this will be a learning experience for you...
post #43 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR View Post
I'm sorry, but after reading both threads, i find all of this very immature and very fishy. I find some of the details you've given hard to believe.
I Agree......
post #44 of 48
She needs serious mental help, from qualified professionals, for a long amount of time. Your not going to help or change her. Sorry, I know this is news to you.
post #45 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by cococat View Post
She needs serious mental help, from qualified professionals, for a long amount of time. Your not going to help or change her. Sorry, I know this is news to you.
actually, it shouldn't be - news, that is. this is pretty much what everyone's said...
post #46 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by laureen227 View Post
actually, it shouldn't be - news, that is. this is pretty much what everyone's said...
I've kept up. However, that doesn't change the fact everytime he hears this it is news to him I feel. I think he is honestly confused. It might not hurt for him to get some help too, but not with her around. Individual help, and dump her for good.
Hopefully if so many individuals think the same thing, the news will sink in! It seems to obvious to me, but he is missing not only the picture, but the galaxy that picture is in.

Once again to pro18. Dump her, walk away and break off contact, talk to a professional in mental health to bounce off your thoughts and how you are feeling. This will be a step forward in the right direction, one you can feel is the right thing. You know what you are doing right now is wrong, you feel it all over. (and over, and over, and over, etc.)
post #47 of 48
I have to agree with the others here...this relationship really isn't meant to be, and with it being long-distance, well, that says it all!

In my opinion, she seems to be a bit of a fruit loop, and she needs professional help..staying in this relationship will not benefit you, as you will realise one day (sooner rather than later) that it just won't work. You both have issues that need to be resolved, and I think the only way you will both do that properly, is by breaking up. Maybe after that, a weight will disappear from your shoulders?

Please, we are trying to help you out here, and we all seem to be thinking the same...forget about her and move on honey! It's for the best!
post #48 of 48
Hon, you are not responsible for her happiness. I know how hard online relationships can be, and you can't be there to help her when it gets bad. But....she was an adult when you came into this. She will manage when you leave. You are giving and giving and not getting anything in return. It is a relief when you finally break it off. Her happiness is up to her, not you.

And you are obviously not happy when you are with her, for the most part. I'm only saying this because it took me a few months to break off an internet relationship because he was just too needy or demanding over the phone. I felt like I had to "save" him somehow. Like I was the only lifeline he had, and that wasn't healthy. I COULDN'T save him...the only one to save him was himself. We tried to live off the first meeting which lasted 5 days (sounds a lot like yours) but I just didn't have what he needed, and he wasn't giving anything in return.

I don't even know if you are still checking this tread, but please realize that some people have been in your position and it isn't good. You need to end it, and move on.
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