Relationship...

goldenkitty45

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IMO you are doing far more of the giving and she's doing far more of the taking. Its hard to be in a relationship when one is a giver and one is a taker. My ex was like that - he was the taker and rarely gave. I was the one to give in all the time. (he also abused me).

DH and I are both givers. You want to give your best in a relationship - not 50/50 but 100/100. I'd take a very long hard look at the relationship. You cannot fix a person, they have to fix themselves.

You can either stay in the relationship out of "duty" or you can seriously considering ending it. Yes she will be upset and probably cry/beg because you have a long history. But I see you resenting things little by little till you cannot stand her and her actions any more.

Question to answer: Can you honestly see yourself being happy with her for the next 30/40 yrs. If the answer is no, you know what you have to do.
 

duchess15

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I just read through your other thread and all I can say is....WOW! First of all, I can't believe that you would ask your parents for so much money and not have a job!

My first semester in college I owed $800 out of pocket, my mom paid, and as soon as I found a job the first thing I did was pay her back! I couldn't have made it without her and I knew that it stretched her pretty thin.

I am 27 and still live at home, but I was saving for a downpayment on a house. As a single person on a not so great income, that was the only way I could ever do it. My parents allowed me to stay home rent free, however, I ran all their errands, took care of the yard, cooked, and helped clean the house. I paid for anything that I may have wanted, minus food. I was very blessed to have them as my parents and I will be forever grateful. Later on, my parents asked me for money to borrow to pay a credit card off - and naturally - I did, for without them I would never have been able to save.

I was going to look this year, but my mom got sick and we switched roles. I became the parent and took care of her the best I could. She always came first and I called constantly while I was at work.

With your parent's condition I am shocked and appalled that A. You would ask them for more money not to include what they have already given you especially considering their medical bills! B. That this gf of yours isn't willing to meet you halfway there is something seriously wrong.

I think that you are being selfish in putting her first when your parents need you desperately in their time of need. Your parents will always be there for you, girls will come and go. Do not throw away your lifeline. You owe them in the very least to go and help them out.

If you have time to see her, you have time to see them. She sounds severely disturbed and immature. If she can't make her own decisions at 30, what makes you think she will in a year or 5 years? If you are not happy, this relationship is more parasitic than you originally thought. She does not sound like she has it all there and needs to see about getting some help. She is playing mind games with you to keep you there when you really don't want to.

Get out while you can. You will regret it if you don't not to include all the money you borrowed from your parents just to see her. Your family is always there for you - see them while you can.
 

abbycats

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There is a lot of red flags that you need to pay attention to in your relationship. If you take this relationship to the next level and set up house with her you will see more dysfunctional behavior that will make the monopoly game look like a good day. Usually when people are dating they try to cover their short comings. Can you imagine what it would be like to live with somebody like that? You need to find somebody who is happy to be with you, and is your best friend. You have a bright future ahead of you, and you deserve somebody who is going to love and appreciate you. I don't want to be judgemental of your relationship. I just think you should step back and do some soul searching on what would make you happy.
 

gailc

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Do you know if she has ever had any boyfriends before you-either casual or serious??
Does she speak of any close friends or have friends that she does things with??
There might be a reason that she still lives at home. I know you said she was educated but only works part time??
You have met her parents how close is their relationship and is it too close??

You should make a list of the pros and cons of your relationship with her.
I believe you can do much better.
 

laureen227

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i have a question - how, exactly, does this relationship improved your life?
i'm not saying it makes you happy, because relationships can't do that. they can make your life more pleasant in many ways. but basic happiness, contentment w/life, is something YOU must be responsible for. another person can't make you happy.
in all of the stuff you've posted about this 'relationship', the only benefit i can see that you get is sex.
now, she gets plenty. but that's all i see you getting. & with the $$$ you've supposedly spent on her, you could probably get that from someone else.
 

sarahp

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You don't live near her and she refuses to come and see you. Break up with her - you'll never see her again anyway!
 

forensic

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Tell her this.... "The next time you behave so immaturely I will leave."

Then DO IT.

You're doing what she wants and it's certainly not making you happy.
 

rosiemac

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In the 11 months that you've been seeing her, how many times have you actually seen her?, because from your previous threads it doesn't sound like it's been many, and if that's the case if you can't manage a long distance relationship then you can't live with each other.
 

mrblanche

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Sometimes, you just have to make a choice and stick with it, because it's the right thing to do.

I had a girfriend in college who was a very nice girl. She was well-off, her folks liked me, etc. The only problem was that as I thought about it, I realized that we could never be happy together in the long run. She wasn't much of a reader, she wasn't adventuresome, I couldn't imagine her riding on the back of a motorcycle, etc. We just didn't fit together. I hated breaking up with her, because I knew her romantic chances weren't good, somewhat for the reasons I just mentioned, and she thought I was "the one."

I feel bad about it every time I think about it. But it probably saved me a lot of years of unhappiness.

It sound to me like you realize that spending time with this girl (woman?) feels more like babysitting your 5-year-old little sister. If that's what you want, that's fine; but you should be honest with yourself about what you're getting yourself into.
 

roxsam

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I am confused as to why you keep posting about your relationship with her and asking for advice??? You have posted many, many times about this relationship, have gotten TONS of excellent input and advice and you have taken NONE of the advice. You obviously are going to do your own thing, good or bad, no matter what anybody has to say about it. Your problems with her have not gotten any better and the great advice that you re getting here (that YOU are asking for) is the same in every post in every thread...so what is the point of continuing to ask for advice on what to do?

Well, my (not so new) advice is it is time for you to grow up, move on, and gain some maturity and responsibility.
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by roxsam

You have posted many, many times about this relationship, have gotten TONS of excellent input and advice and you have taken NONE of the advice. You obviously are going to do your own thing, good or bad, no matter what anybody has to say about it.
Very frustrating.
 

enuja

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Originally Posted by algebrapro18

Have any of you ever been in a relationship where there is an unequal amount of love involved? If so how did you resolve the tention it creates.
I have been in functional relationships with different "amounts" of love. That's not the problem. The problem is that you are not happy in this relationship, so you need to leave. I've had the depth of love mismatched in different directions at different times, even in the same relationship. This isn't the problem. As long as both people are happy, the relationship can be great. As soon as one person isn't getting enough attention or love, that unhappy person needs to bring up the problem and either insist on more attention or leave the relationship. Again, this isn't your problem. You say you have less love, yet you're unhappy; that's not even a relationship, really, from your perspective.

Originally Posted by algebrapro18

I have been in my current relationship for 11 months as of yesterday and I am pretty happy with it but the fact that my girl can drive me up a wall most of the time makes me question how much I love her.
Others have asked, you haven't had the time to answer, but I'll repeat the question anyway, what exactly, about this relationship makes you happy? The fact that you are in a relationship does not count.

Originally Posted by algebrapro18

I know I care about her though because when I try to end the relationship I just can't do it because it would crush her.
Worrying about the pain she'll feel when you dump her does not mean that you care about her; all it means is that you are human being with empathy.

Look; you are going to dump her. Eventually. You have serious problems with her, she doesn't make you happy, you don't want to settle down with her and she does want to settle down with you.

How much pain would she feel if you dumped her now? How much pain would she feel if you dumped her ten years from now? Dumping her now will actually reduce the pain she'll feel about her relationship with you. It might also give her a chance to learn how to be a better person, and it might get her into treatment that she needs.

So, do the best thing for her; dump her.
 
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algebrapro18

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She can make me happy its just...that seems to slip away quickly when the other things start. If she could somehow get better, via medication or psychological help, then I could see my self being happy with her. She does make me laugh and smile and when I first went up there that was by far the best time of my life. We didn't have one argument and she seemed much more even emotionally and thats when I fell in love with her. That was in March and since then she has worn on me to the point where I am questioning the relationship. We have a lot in common and we share some of the same idiosyncrasies that are so odd that its weird to find someone who has the same ones.

To answer another posters questions: Her relationship with her parents is strained to put it mildly. She is defiantly seen as the black sheep of the family even though she lives at home. Lately she can't go a week with out her parents threatening to throw her out of the house and there are at least 3 screaming matches between her and her mother a week that I get to be put on hold for and then I get the job of fixing her after.

I think thats the problem, I am so tired of fixing her, I don't mind her getting as upset as she does, I am just tired of having to try to cheer her up afterwards because its like she hears NOTHING I say, I might as well talk to a wall. She gets sad and will stay sad until she is ready to be happy again no matter what I do or say. Not being able to cheer her up makes me feel like a failure as a boyfriend and after 11 months of trying to put her back together when she gets so upset, its left me drained.

She also has a few close friends that she gets together with every once in a while, two of which I have met and really like. She has one guy friend that she hangs out with all the time but on a scale of 1-10 for gayness he is about a 1000 so I know there is nothing going on between the two of them. That and he knows that I will kill him if he ever touches her in a not just friends way.

I realized something when I was up there last time, I misinterpret a lot of things as being mad at me when she is mad about other things just expresses it when I interact with her. She could be perfectly happy with me but still yell and snap at me, and I have so much empathy that I think its placed at me. Her family has taught her that the way you communicate anything is to yell it and I'm not used to that. Yelling to me symbolizes unhappiness with the person your yelling at and she could be perfectly happy and still yell and her entire family is that way, its just how they communicate.

She has also had one boyfriend before me but it only lasted about 3 weeks and ended pretty abruptly from what I can decipher. She hasn't really spoken that much about him all I know is that he was "obsessed" with The Simpsons and that he gave her her first real kiss but thats as far as they went.
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by algebrapro18

its like she hears NOTHING I say, I might as well talk to a wall.
That's exactly how many of us here are feeling when you repeatedly ask for advice about this disfunctional relationship, and completely ignore what we have repeatedly told you.
 

dixie_darlin

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Originally Posted by algebrapro18

She can make me happy its just...that seems to slip away quickly when the other things start. If she could somehow get better, via medication or psychological help, then I could see my self being happy with her. She does make me laugh and smile and when I first went up there that was by far the best time of my life. We didn't have one argument and she seemed much more even emotionally and thats when I fell in love with her. That was in March and since then she has worn on me to the point where I am questioning the relationship. We have a lot in common and we share some of the same idiosyncrasies that are so odd that its weird to find someone who has the same ones.

To answer another posters questions: Her relationship with her parents is strained to put it mildly. She is defiantly seen as the black sheep of the family even though she lives at home. Lately she can't go a week with out her parents threatening to throw her out of the house and there are at least 3 screaming matches between her and her mother a week that I get to be put on hold for and then I get the job of fixing her after.

I think thats the problem, I am so tired of fixing her, I don't mind her getting as upset as she does, I am just tired of having to try to cheer her up afterwards because its like she hears NOTHING I say, I might as well talk to a wall. She gets sad and will stay sad until she is ready to be happy again no matter what I do or say. Not being able to cheer her up makes me feel like a failure as a boyfriend and after 11 months of trying to put her back together when she gets so upset, its left me drained.

She also has a few close friends that she gets together with every once in a while, two of which I have met and really like. She has one guy friend that she hangs out with all the time but on a scale of 1-10 for gayness he is about a 1000 so I know there is nothing going on between the two of them. That and he knows that I will kill him if he ever touches her in a not just friends way.

I realized something when I was up there last time, I misinterpret a lot of things as being mad at me when she is mad about other things just expresses it when I interact with her. She could be perfectly happy with me but still yell and snap at me, and I have so much empathy that I think its placed at me. Her family has taught her that the way you communicate anything is to yell it and I'm not used to that. Yelling to me symbolizes unhappiness with the person your yelling at and she could be perfectly happy and still yell and her entire family is that way, its just how they communicate.

She has also had one boyfriend before me but it only lasted about 3 weeks and ended pretty abruptly from what I can decipher. She hasn't really spoken that much about him all I know is that he was "obsessed" with The Simpsons and that he gave her her first real kiss but thats as far as they went.
So you're saying she's a 30yr old virgin, still living in her parents house and under thier control, has no job and you're expecting HER to support YOU when you move in with each other?



Dude, either there is something seriously mentally wrong with this chick or you...

To me, it sounds like you're looking for a "Sugar Momma" who will take care of you like your parents do and she has some mental problems that her parents know about but you obviously don't and she's looking for a way out of her parents house.
I truly find it hard to believe that you've spent over $10,000 on this "woman" in gifts and trips to see her especially if you're a college student and are bumming money from your parents.

Please, please, please PLEASE Get help..... for both of you!
 

starryeyedtiger

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I'm sorry, but after reading both threads, i find all of this very immature and very fishy. I find some of the details you've given hard to believe.
 

calico2222

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You can't "fix" or or make her feel better. If she is in a bad mood until she decides she's not, there is no communication...she isn't hearing you. That is not a good thing. She needs to fix herself and it sounds like it's going to take therapy or medication for that.

She is 30 years old and had 1 boyfriend that gave her her first kiss and that's it? Why?

Her way of communicating is with yelling or screaming at you because that is what her family does? Sounds like the entire family needs therapy. It is one thing to "vent" about something to your partner. I come home from work and vent to DH (god love him) about the stupid people I had to deal with, but nothing is directed at him. Sometimes I snap at him because I'm upset about something or stressed, but I realize what I'm doing and apologize. He does the same thing. If she is yelling at you personally that sounds like she expects you to rescue you and if mad because you haven't. But that's not your job...that's hers. She has to take control of her own life and you have step back and let her do it on her own.

I agree with everyone else....get out. She isn't making you happy now. When you first met her in person of course you were happy...it was like a honeymoon. But, now you are seeing the real person. The difference is you aren't obligated to stay with her. You are young and you don't want to be stuck with someone you ultimately will resent because you didn't care enough about your happiness to break up with her when you could.
 

spudsmom

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Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin

So you're saying she's a 30yr old virgin, still living in her parents house and under thier control, has no job and you're expecting HER to support YOU when you move in with each other?



Dude, either there is something seriously mentally wrong with this chick or you...

To me, it sounds like you're looking for a "Sugar Momma" who will take care of you like your parents do and she has some mental problems that her parents know about but you obviously don't and she's looking for a way out of her parents house.
I truly find it hard to believe that you've spent over $10,000 on this "woman" in gifts and trips to see her especially if you're a college student and are bumming money from your parents.

Please, please, please PLEASE Get help..... for both of you!
I totally agree with Dixie Darling.

But just maybe you guys are the perfect match for each other. Seems like you both have problems that only professional help can take care of. Sorry to be so blunt....it's just what I get from your posts.
 

rosiemac

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Can you answer my question please?.
Originally Posted by Rosiemac

In the 11 months that you've been seeing her, how many times have you actually seen her?, because from your previous threads it doesn't sound like it's been many, and if that's the case if you can't manage a long distance relationship then you can't live with each other.
Originally Posted by algebrapro18

She has one guy friend that she hangs out with all the time but on a scale of 1-10 for gayness he is about a 1000 so I know there is nothing going on between the two of them. That and he knows that I will kill him if he ever touches her in a not just friends way.
You know he's gay, you know nothings going on, yet if he touches her you'll kill him?.

You've got major insecurity issues i'm afraid.
 
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