Does the wife have the obligation of cooking for her husband?

I've a discussion with my girlfriend about the old-historic (or even in some communities nowadays, in every religion whatsoever) point of view saying the wife has the obligation to "serve" her husband.

I wanted to ask your opinion for this idea, is it really so? and if so until which extent?
My girlfriend says she does think the wife needs to take care of her husband but not where she's becoming his slave.

Cooking for the husband 7 days a week, 3 times a day (breakfast, lunch, evening) is definitely overdo but where is that limit in that case?
What's your opinion?

Originally Posted by arie85

Cooking for the husband 7 days a week, 3 times a day (breakfast, lunch, evening) is definitely overdo but where is that limit in that case?
What's your opinion?

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Maybe its because I'm a bit older and have been married for a long time. My opinion can be summed up as follows:



There is no respect in a marriage when one spouse assumes that the other will serve their needs. There is no partnership in that marriage.

In my opinion, women were not ment to me mens doormats. I do think that in a traditional marriage, they are submissive to their husbands to a degree (more so in a Biblical context). But there are soo many different types of submission that i don't feel it is definied by just one type of thing such as housework. My husband is the head of our house when it comes to earning a living and working/etc, but i control the neck....make sense- i can make him move in whatever way i want most days. I am more submissive about how we spend money etc because he is better at running our household in that context. He is totally submissive to me when it comes to how i want my house run as far as the kitchen/etc because i am better than him in that context. That being said though- he helps with the chores and i sit down and help him with our finances, so we are both praticipating as a team together. I'm just more so the "captain" of running the house and he's more of the "captain" for running the money/etc. We have an understanding and we respect each others talents and skills and try to learn from them.

As far as cooking him dinner every night goes though. I absolutely make sure that I always have a hot dinner ready for him. I WANT to do that for him, i love to cook- so it gives me a lot of pleasure to make sure he has a nice meal to eat for dinner. He goes out and works hard all day long and he shows his love to me by providing money for our home and food/etc...so i show my love to him by doing something i'm good at to make him happy- cooking. He has never asked me to cook for him and would never ever tell me to- he's just not that kind of man. So since it is not expected of me in a way- i enjoy doing something like that for him so much more. I would say that i make a homemade meal for him at lest 2 meals a day 6 days a week. Sometimes i make 3 meals a day 7 days a week.....but that's rare because we both stay busy- so sometimes we'll go out or i'll put a frozen pizza in the oven if that's what we both want. If time was never an issue, then i'd happily be in my kitchen all the time because frankly- i LOVE to cook, so it's never a chore to me. It is also in my opinion a great way to show my husband how much i care for him- by doing something nice for him like fixing his favorite meal and (and fixing healthy things so we can both have a long healthy life hopefully!) Sometimes when he's not working he likes to get in the kitchen and help me too- he's never too good to do chores around the house or help out. That's one of my favorite things about him.


(In a little side note though......-
One thing that has helped me understand my husband tremendeously (and cut down on our fighting!!!) is called love languages. When we went through pre-maritial counseling our pastor recommended a book to us called "The 5 Love Languages" - it is great!!! My love language is "words" (i show others i care about them by telling them or leaving them little notes/etc and i like nothing more than to hear an i love you back or recieve a thouhtful letter) and his is "acts of service" - (he shows his love for me by doing things for me around the house, ). One way we both try to show each other we care is by reversing that- if he wants to let me know how much he loves me- he will tell me or leave me a little note- and that just means the world to me. If i want to show him how much i care for him- i will do things around the house (vaccume, cook for him,etc) because those actions show him i care. (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/ )

I think its up to the couple to decide. I mean, if the husband is a professional cook, and the wife is terrible at it, who's going to cook dinner?

It should be no one's "obligation" to cook as if it were some sort of job requirement. Should a wife cook sometimes? Probably. But so should a husband, IMO. Provided that they are both capable of making something edible, and that they can be trusted not to burn the house down. My parents always split who was cooking, depending on what it was and who was home first.

Amy hit the nail on the head, but I guess I'd add the following...

Every couple has to make the decision that works for them.

For the most part, I do all the cooking. I do it, because I love it, not because I have to. DH is perfectly competent in the kitchen, as am I at other things around the house. But he'd much rather do the fixit things and the gardening, whereas I'd much rather do the cooking. It works well for us.

Other couples find a different balance. In situations where both want to cook, or neither really cares for it but it has to be done, it would be fair to share the duties, either cooking together or taking turns.

I guess the only "shoulds" I would use are:
* neither partner should be a slave to the other in any way
* household duties that neither enjoys should be shared equally, or at least equitably

That help?

Originally Posted by rapunzel47

I guess the only "shoulds" I would use are:
* neither partner should be a slave to the other in any way
* household duties that neither enjoys should be shared equally, or at least equitably

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Amen to that. I think a lot of marriages fail because one or both of the people have expectations for the other that involve "shoulds".

Hub promised me before we married that he'd do the cooking, I'd not have to worry about it. (how the heck did I wind up helping him cater, lol?). Now, we both cook, but if one of us was home all the time and the other worked, whomever was home would do all the cooking and housekeeping

In our marriage, we help one another cook. It isn't fair to make one of us do everything for the other. We both work full time, and when we come home, we share the duties.

It is up to the couple to decide, of course.

I think all other things equal, women do not feel they have to do all the cooking and cleaning, and would be quite indignant if expected to. But in some relationships, with dominant males, and submissive females, the women work fulltime, do all the chores, and often also take care of the kids. I think that's becoming less common.

My husband works and I do more of the cooking and cleaning, but that's because I couldn't find work I wanted in my area, and decided to go back to study. Now my study load has increased, he'll clean the house on the weekend if I'm studying.

When we were both working full time, we shared all the chores.

We have friends who both work full time (both as cops), and she does ALL the housework. Why? Because she is an absolute neat freak, who likes things done her way, and enjoys cleaning obsessively Whatever works as long as both partners are happy with the situation.

My spouse and I actually don't cook or eat together at all. Sometimes he'll steal a bit of my food, but I try to be protective of it most of the time.

It was a huge problem early in the relationship, because I grew up in a house that had sit-down dinners every day (and sit down breakfasts most days and sit down lunches on weekends) and we extremely equitably shared the cooking; by the time I was 11, I was responsible for one day a week, and that increased with time. But my spouse grew up with a mom that bought microwave or at the most complicated or oven-heatable food. He and I like radically different things, and he actively dislikes having variety in food.

At first, he said that cooking and sharing my food was really important to me, so that he'd eat the food I cooked. But he simply didn't cook food for me. We did a lot of experimenting early on, including me giving him recipes for my food, where he cooking something for me he wasn't going to eat. But it ended up settling down to me cooking my food and him cooking his (although we love to make pizza from scratch together and bake together sometimes, this is a social thing that provides a minuscule percentage of our actual caloric intake).

Just this summer he's settled on a single meal that he makes every single day and eats twice a day; it's rice, split peas, spinach, and fake breakfast sausage from Morning Star. He spices it up a bit with salt, pepper, garlic, chili powder, and salsa, but he eats it every day. I've tried a spoonful, and it's turned out okay (I hated some early versions), but I could never eat it every day. Compared to many people, I do cook the same dishes over and over again, but usually no more than once or, at most, twice a week.

I'm now very happy with the "I cook my food system" and would have a hard time adapting to a different one. If we ever have children, I'll insist that we sit down and eat together, but I'm certain my spouse and I would be eating different things.

The work load must be equitable in my opinion; having two adults who work full time where the women does all of the cooking and cleaning and other household chores is morally wrong, even if it does make some people happy.

This is too ironic!!

Every day Neil asks me whats he is bringing for lunch!! I told him when is he ever going to ask me what I'm having for lunch!

Needless to say I do the majority of the cooking unless its cooking over an open flame.

Also I majoring in nutrition in college so I like cooking.

He grew up in a farming household where his mother did all the cooking for a family of 10 and he was the youngest so he still has hardwired in his brain that his mom did it why can't I. (he seems to forget about me working though....)

Once in a while he helps out under my command though.

I also think it depends on the couple and the relationship. DH and I both work full time but have different days off, so if we are both working who ever gets home first starts dinner and the other one chips when they get home. But on my days off, I try to have a nice dinner ready for him mainly because I enjoy it and I have the time on those days. But, it's really not my "duty" and there have been days one of us just picks up a pizza or bucket of chicken on our way home. Every now and then, one of us will get the urge to make a hot breakfast, but lunch we fend for ourselves. Now, if I didn't work, he would probably eat better (not to mention the house would be a lot cleaner!). I'm lucky that DH likes to cook too, and is actually quite good at it.

Now, my mom was from the old school. She stayed home to raise me and ALWAYS made sure there was a home cooked meal for dinner. But at least my dad could make a sandwich for himself if he got hungry during the day and she was busy. I remember her one friend's husband would make her friend stop whatever she was doing to make him a flipping sandwich. THAT is rediculous. Of course, with him, I can honestly believe he really didn't know how to do it.

Where I live, he does the cooking. And I do the cleaning. Works for us.

Depends if the wife is a stay at home wife or a working wife. If working, then IMO they both should share in meal making. Not fair for one to have to come home from work and do all the cooking/cleaning.

I would have a clear understanding on both sides as to your and her expectations involving cleaning and cooking around the house.

With DH and I - we both love cooking (DH's a better cook) - he works at home; I work outside the house. So during the week, he makes dinner 95% of the time; I usually cook dinner on weekends. We also share washing dishes and have a lot of fun with it.

IMO one spouse should NOT be a slave to the other spouse

Cooking should be a shared job

That being said, I don't mind cooking when I have someone to cook for. My brother does the cooking in his house. His girl friend does little things like make the salad, but he does the actual cooking most of the time.

Define "obligation"! In my house, we share the job. However, if hubby cooks, I'm lucky to get a can of soup! So we share the job, but if I want a decent dinner, yes, I'm obligated.

coming from the wife, what man wouldn't like a personal slave. Or what woman wouldn't like one either
We both cook really well and share responsibility on all things.

Originally Posted by Momofmany

Maybe its because I'm a bit older and have been married for a long time. My opinion can be summed up as follows:

There is no respect in a marriage when one spouse assumes that the other will serve their needs. There is no partnership in that marriage.

Click to expand...

I have to agree here!!
I love to cook but so does Chris so I won't hear him complaining unless he's had a hard day working.. Of course in that case we usually just go out and let someone else cook!