Ok - what would you do????

goldenkitty45 · Jul 29, 2008

Got a little dilemma. Our son will be getting married this coming Saturday. Tomorrow we will be taking the car for oil change and DH will be getting his hair cut (all around noon time). On Thursday, I'm getting my hair done at 1pm.

Thursday evening we drop our dog off with friends for the weekend to babysit. Friday we drive in the cities to check into the motel for Friday nite/Saturday nite - and a BBQ at the bride's dad's house.

So here's the problem. DH's mother called me a little while ago to inform us that one of DH's sister-in-law's sister died and the wake is on Wednesday from 6-8 and funeral is on Thursday at 2:30.

I told her that we had hair appointments, etc. and were probably not gonna be coming in for either - especially the funeral as my hair appointment is at 1pm on Thursday - so that was out.

Its a 2 1/2 hr drive to the cities for us. With the price of gas, etc., we only do driving when necessary. She's trying to lay a guilt trip on us for not dropping everything to attend this wake and funeral. "Well we all have plans (with the wedding)"

Its only 1/2 drive for her and a lot less for others in the family who already are downtown.

What would you do? Call the SIL and express our condolences and explain that we are sorry we can't come into town for the wake/funeral? I'll let DH know when he gets home about the situation. The thing is that I don't even KNOW the SIL's sister. MIL acts like we have money to burn and its no problem. She doesn't even have gas money and thinks that everyone should just stop everything and attend this funeral - a few days before our son's wedding!

catsknowme · Jul 29, 2008

Maybe you could explain to a talented friend the situation and the two of you could do your hair, and use that money to attend the funeral on Thursday. You will be a great comfort to your SIL, and thus show your husband how much you love and care for him and who knows but that good karma will come around as a blessing to your future grandchildren or even yourself

If I were you, I would consult my son and his fiancee. Weddings are important celebrations, but funerals are important times of togetherness, too - we may not all have a wedding, but we will all surely have a funeral

Sending prayers and vibes during this time of dilemma

laureen227 · Jul 29, 2008

i'd probably send a card... but i wouldn't go to the funeral if i didn't know the person... unless i was very close to a principal mourner [like the SIL of the deceased, etc]. not w/the major event you have coming up!

calico2222 · Jul 29, 2008

First, I would find out how your husband felt about going. If he really wants to go to be there for his SIL, then do anything you can to get there for either the viewing or the funeral. If it really doesn't affect him too much I would just send flowers to the funeral home, and call your SIL after you get back from the wedding.

I really couldn't tell you who showed up for mom's and dad's funerals. It was all a blur. And, funerals isn't something people can usually send a "save a date" reminder for so other life responsibilities sometimes makes it impossible to be there. I think your SIL would be happy just to know that you are thinking of her.

carolpetunia · Jul 29, 2008

I have three thoughts for you:

(a) A funeral is your last chance to "be there" for the deceased, and also to be there for the family, which is the really critical part.

(b) If you aren't there, your absence may cast a pall (rightly or wrongly) on your interactions with those people at the wedding... and if that happens, it's something that will never be erased from memory.

(c) Inevitably, this time to mourn a person's death will be diminished in every way by the wedding immediately following... and that has to be painful for the people who did know and love this woman. From their point of view, it's extremely important that the deceased not be "shortchanged," y'know?

I think, in the interest of family relations at this very critical moment in your son's life, you ought to find a way to go to the funeral.

butzie · Jul 29, 2008

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

Got a little dilemma. Our son will be getting married this coming Saturday. Tomorrow we will be taking the car for oil change and DH will be getting his hair cut (all around noon time). On Thursday, I'm getting my hair done at 1pm.

Thursday evening we drop our dog off with friends for the weekend to babysit. Friday we drive in the cities to check into the motel for Friday nite/Saturday nite - and a BBQ at the bride's dad's house.

So here's the problem. DH's mother called me a little while ago to inform us that one of DH's sister-in-law's sister died and the wake is on Wednesday from 6-8 and funeral is on Thursday at 2:30.

I told her that we had hair appointments, etc. and were probably not gonna be coming in for either - especially the funeral as my hair appointment is at 1pm on Thursday - so that was out.

Its a 2 1/2 hr drive to the cities for us. With the price of gas, etc., we only do driving when necessary. She's trying to lay a guilt trip on us for not dropping everything to attend this wake and funeral. "Well we all have plans (with the wedding)"

Its only 1/2 drive for her and a lot less for others in the family who already are downtown.

What would you do? Call the SIL and express our condolences and explain that we are sorry we can't come into town for the wake/funeral? I'll let DH know when he gets home about the situation. The thing is that I don't even KNOW the SIL's sister. MIL acts like we have money to burn and its no problem. She doesn't even have gas money and thinks that everyone should just stop everything and attend this funeral - a few days before our son's wedding!

This is the funeral for DH's sister-in-law's sister? That would be his brother's wife sister? The wedding is for your son? IMO, I wouldn't have any problem getting my hair done, not spending the gas, and passing up an opportunity to relax at the hairdresser to prepare for your and DH's son's wedding. Send flowers or, better still, a donation to a charity of their choice and keep focused on the big day for your son. You can remember the woman with a period of silence at the reception if you think that it would be appropriate, but this is a time to focus on your nearest and dearest relatives - your son and future DIL - and their happy times.

Anyway, IMO.

goldenkitty45 · Jul 29, 2008

Well I know we can't go to the funeral on Thursday - that's out. Maybe the wake but depends on if hubby wants to make another 2 1/2 hr trip or not (one way).

Brother and SIL will understand and they know us well that they won't get mad if we cannot be there. They will be at the wedding as far as I know anyway. We don't know the SIL's sister - that's the main point.

Not really related, but same MIL who thinks that DH's ex should be seated at the same table next to DH where we are sitting (son's mother). DH's told her "no way". MIL doesn't even know all the problems his ex caused in the last few yrs.

We know we have to "get along" for this wedding, but we know where to draw the line

judi · Jul 29, 2008

How does your husband feel about this?
I am sorry for all you are going through but do try to enjoy the wedding.

calico2222 · Jul 29, 2008

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

Well I know we can't go to the funeral on Thursday - that's out. Maybe the wake but depends on if hubby wants to make another 2 1/2 hr trip or not (one way).

Brother and SIL will understand and they know us well that they won't get mad if we cannot be there. They will be at the wedding as far as I know anyway. We don't know the SIL's sister - that's the main point.

Not really related, but same MIL who thinks that DH's ex should be seated at the same table next to DH where we are sitting (son's mother). DH's told her "no way". MIL doesn't even know all the problems his ex caused in the last few yrs.

We know we have to "get along" for this wedding, but we know where to draw the line

Ok, If brother and SIL are understanding that is all that really matters. Do what you need to do to get things ready for your son's wedding. If MIL doesn't like it, just explain to her that you had other things planned to get ready for her grandson's wedding, and go about your business. If she is already a MIL, I would imagine she would understand how hectic the last week before the wedding is. I would send flowers though.

If you are having a church wedding, maybe you would appease your MIL by including something in the program about remembering those who passed, including a relative of the groom that passed recently, or include it in a prayer. But, that's up to you. I don't think you have a responsibility to go to a viewing and funeral for someone you don't know.

mom of 4 · Jul 29, 2008

If you could manage to go to the wake, to show support for the SIL, then I would do that. I know the timing of this extra strain on your time and the expense of the gas is not good, but I'm thinking of how you will feel in the future knowing that you did everything you could.

My mother handled herself very graciously at my wedding. My father was a jerk - never contributed any more for the care of my brother or myself beyond what the court ordered. He didn't help with college expenses or contribute to my wedding. But my parents and their spouses were able to be perfect guests/hosts at my wedding. Isn't that the kind of memory about the wedding that you would like your stepson to have? You don't have to participate in chitchat, just be polite.

goldenkitty45 · Jul 30, 2008

DH and I talked it over. We will go in tonite to the wake for about an hour out of respect for Gary and Deb.

Thanks for the feedback

Momof4 - that's what we do now when we have to be in the same room - we politely say hi to her and go on. So far at other family gatherings/weddings, we just sit a few tables away from where she is sitting and things are fine.

You are right - we have to keep in mind that its SON's wedding. On the bride's side, its the same situation - her parents are split too.

Ok - what would you do????

goldenkitty45

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catsknowme

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laureen227

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butzie

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