One of the statesmen from the early days of Texas is supposed to have said, "If I owned Hell and Texas, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell."
But in fact, according to this old song, Texas IS
Oh, the Devil in hell they say he was chained
And there for a thousand years he remained
He neither complained nor did he groan
But decided he'd start up a hell of his own
Where he could torment the souls of men
Without being shut in a prison pen
So he asked the Lord if He had any sand
Left over from making this great big land.
The Lord He said, "Yes, I have plenty on hand
But it's 'way down south on the Rio Grande,
And, to tell you the truth, the stuff is so poor
I doubt it'll do for a hell anymore."
The Devil went down and looked over the truck
And he said if it came as a gift he was stuck
For when he'd examined it closely and well
He decided the place was too dry for a hell.
But the Lord, just to get all the stuff off His hands,
He promised the Devil He'd water the land
For He had some old water that was of no use
A regular bog-hole that stunk like the deuce,
So the grant it was made and the deed it was given
The Lord, He returned to His place up in heaven
The Devil soon saw he had everything needed
To make up a hell, and so he proceeded.
He scattered tarantulas over the roads
Put thorns on the cactus and horns on the toads
He sprinkled the sand with the biting fire ants
So a man that sits down must wear soles on his pants
He lengthened the horns of the Texas steer
And added an inch to the jackrabbit's ear
He put water mocassins in all the lakes
And under the rocks, he put rattlesnakes.
He hung nettles and brambles on all of the trees
He mixed up the dust with chiggers and fleas
The rattlesnake bites you, the scorpion stings
The mosquito delights you by buzzing his wings
The heat in the summer's a hundred and ten
Too hot for the Devil and too hot for men
And all who remained in that climate soon bore
Stings, bites, and scratches and blisters galore.
He planted red pepper beside all the brooks
The Mexicans use them in all that they cook
Just dine with a Mexican and you will shout,
"I've got hell on the inside as well as the out!"
He quickened the buck of the bronco steed
And poisoned the feet of the centipede
The wild boar rampages in high chaparral
It's a hell of a place that we've got for a hell!