Vent: I Don't Like Sharing My Husband

swampwitch · Jul 15, 2008

My husband travels for business 3-4 months out of the year, and the family time that our daughter and I have with him is limited and very precious. We have a trip planned - he will be away on business and we will join him when he's done and have a family vacation and all come back together.

The problem is, there will be people from his work still hanging around, and they want to "do stuff" with us. I want our little family to have time together exploring and talking and just being together, just us! When you add a coworker/friend in the mix, my husband spends 1/2 of his time talking to that person, because of course, he has to.

One particular woman has done this before and she's really insistent again that she wants to "see" us all and spend time with us. This makes me sad and upset.

I told him I don't want other people around. I don't know what he can tell her, though. I'm not as nice as he is.

zissou'smom · Jul 15, 2008

Perhaps have one night where you all go out to dinner or something, and then make it excruciatingly clear that you are very excited to and will be having family time. Maybe you could buy just three tickets for something (like an aquarium or a museum or something... don't know where you'll be).

Sorry that people are being a little inconsiderate. If they work together they must know how tough it is.

natalie_ca · Jul 15, 2008

He should just let them know that after the business portion of the trip is over that you and him are planning on making the rest of it family time together.

If she insists on coming along, he should just tell her/them that the 2 of you already have plans.

swampwitch · Jul 15, 2008

Thanks, guys. I started crying when he told me this!

I believe most people he works with would understand but this particular woman is single and has always liked my husband. It's fine if they hang around together at a conference but she's telling him she wants to "see" me, too. I wish I could tell her to buzz off but he has to work with her sometimes. Ugh.

sarahp · Jul 15, 2008

Ohhh that's no good! I agree with him saying something like "oh, we have plans for that time, but maybe we can squeeze in dinner on Tuesday night", and plan only one specific thing with her so she gets that you're busy the rest of the time.

rapunzel47 · Jul 15, 2008

That's a bummer, Cat. I have to agree, though, with the suggestion that the first order of business after you join him should be to have an evening out for dinner and invite any of his colleagues who wish to join you "to have a little time to socialize with him and his family before he says his goodbyes and you turn your attention to family time". The message does not need to be in the least confrontational -- just very clear. I hope he manages to get it across.

rockcat · Jul 15, 2008

Originally Posted by rapunzel47

That's a bummer, Cat. I have to agree, though, with the suggestion that the first order of business after you join him should be to have an evening out for dinner and invite any of his colleagues who wish to join you "to have a little time to socialize with him and his family before he says his goodbyes and you turn your attention to family time". The message does not need to be in the least confrontational -- just very clear. I hope he manages to get it across.

firm and clear!

sweets · Jul 15, 2008

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

Thanks, guys. I started crying when he told me this!

I believe most people he works with would understand but this particular woman is single and has always liked my husband. It's fine if they hang around together at a conference but she's telling him she wants to "see" me, too. I wish I could tell her to buzz off but he has to work with her sometimes. Ugh.

Sorry, I'm on HER side. I have a few friends that come into town on business that I get to see 4 times a year. I also like their spouses and love spending some time with them.

Have dinner with her the first night. Spend that time with her. Let her know you have plans for the rest of the week, but you enjoyed spending this time with her! If she asks the info on the plans, tell her, but don't do the polite thing and invite her. Make a point of emphasizing that you haven't had a family vacation in a while, and it feels good getting away, just the 3 of you. And leave it at that.

Don't reject her offer of friendship simply because you want to spend time with the family. Friendships outside the family makes for a better family.

EnzoLeya · Jul 15, 2008

Oh dear, I can see why you don't want to share him, especially with her.

I deffinitely wouldn't let her come on your family vacation! Who would barg in on someone's family vaction!?

That's plan rude!

coolcat · Jul 15, 2008

Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

Sorry that people are being a little inconsiderate. If they work together they must know how tough it is.

....

...
I hope he consider to stay at home more time with whole family...

swampwitch · Jul 15, 2008

The woman doesn't live in the U.K. (where we are going); she lives in the U.S. She told my husband that she's trying to decided if she should stay there for that week after or not. He said he will help her decide to leave.

Thanks for the support!

enuja · Jul 15, 2008

Have you finished planning the trip yet? How about planning the family part of the vacation at a slightly different place than the business part? Your spouse doesn't even need to tell his co-workers what hotel, or even what city, you all will stay in. It's "Bye-Bye, I'm on vacation!" and you all disappear, out of reach.

theimp98 · Jul 15, 2008

Is there no way you can just go some place else?
i would hate to go some where, and have to deal with people from work.

rosiemac · Jul 16, 2008

Erm hello, it's not rocket science that your going out there as a family once the business part is over. She really needs to be put straight about being a hanger on

babywukong · Jul 16, 2008

Well this woman sure is strange, especially if no other colleagues are clamouring to be with your family as much as she is. I'm glad your husband is going to help her decide to leave, and I really hope he succeeds. I think there's nothing more important than spending alone time with your partner/family, and I'd hate it if anyone else barged in on "our" time, so I understand perfectly how you feel.

greenvillegal · Jul 16, 2008

Hey, at least she wants to include you in the spending time, and not just your husband!!!!!

carolpetunia · Jul 16, 2008

No matter how nice she is, no matter how innocent and sincere her feelings for your family may be, no matter how much you might value her friendship -- you absolutely cannot be expected to include her in your private family time.

There's nothing in the world to feel guilty about. And it should not offend her to be told that this is your special private vacation, and you really want to be alone together as a family.

You want me to call her up and splain it to her?

greenvillegal · Jul 16, 2008

Carol Petunia could not be more right. I guess I am baffled by the whole thing... when I go on vacation I don't want anyone to know where I am! LOL

februa · Jul 16, 2008

Im agreeing with others to try and go somewhere else, even if it is only a town away. I feel for the situation, but as someone who does conference travel fairly regularly, I can totally see "the other side". First hand example, I was in Milwaukee around July 4th for a conference. Recall I live in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. At this conference I met A LOT of people I have been troubleshooting/collaborating with for the last 2 years (From Florida, and Italy specifically), and finally put faces to names. I also met for the first time in a year, a group I had previously met and gotten along very well with (from Colorado). Many people were staying in Milwaukee for the week following the conference, or making the short drive to Chicago, where several had planned to "re-meet-up". Had my spouse "arrived" at the end of the conference, expecting me to completely ignore these associates (who by the way, are INSTRUMENTAL in the building and development of my career, great friends, and have things to share that I cant imagine in my little Edmonton-experience) I would have had a real problem with him. If you are insecure, and need this time privately, you should TAKE HIM AWAY from his other colleagues and friends, not resent that they are there when you came to join after the fact...I know that sounds harsh, and Im sorry. I just really want to highlight that changing towns or simply hotels will be your godsend in this situation. Its a lot more appropriate, and wont burn any bridges for you or your husband to say "Oh, we'd have loved to do something, but we have tight plans and are leaving for *insert new town vaguely here*". In contrast, if you show up and are passive-agressive hostile towards others, trust me: they can tell. And then your DH is the one with the "High-maintenance wife" or worse. Or he himself is "rude and dismissive of international colleagues".
Good luck making it work one way or the other...

sweets · Jul 16, 2008

Originally Posted by Februa

Im agreeing with others to try and go somewhere else, even if it is only a town away. I feel for the situation, but as someone who does conference travel fairly regularly, I can totally see "the other side". First hand example, I was in Milwaukee around July 4th for a conference. Recall I live in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. At this conference I met A LOT of people I have been troubleshooting/collaborating with for the last 2 years (From Florida, and Italy specifically), and finally put faces to names. I also met for the first time in a year, a group I had previously met and gotten along very well with (from Colorado). Many people were staying in Milwaukee for the week following the conference, or making the short drive to Chicago, where several had planned to "re-meet-up". Had my spouse "arrived" at the end of the conference, expecting me to completely ignore these associates (who by the way, are INSTRUMENTAL in the building and development of my career, great friends, and have things to share that I cant imagine in my little Edmonton-experience) I would have had a real problem with him. If you are insecure, and need this time privately, you should TAKE HIM AWAY from his other colleagues and friends, not resent that they are there when you came to join after the fact...I know that sounds harsh, and Im sorry. I just really want to highlight that changing towns or simply hotels will be your godsend in this situation. Its a lot more appropriate, and wont burn any bridges for you or your husband to say "Oh, we'd have loved to do something, but we have tight plans and are leaving for *insert new town vaguely here*". In contrast, if you show up and are passive-agressive hostile towards others, trust me: they can tell. And then your DH is the one with the "High-maintenance wife" or worse. Or he himself is "rude and dismissive of international colleagues".
Good luck making it work one way or the other...

THANK YOU! I'm glad I'm not the only person here who sees this!

My dad used to entertain colleagues from other nations all the time. And yes, there were times when it was holidays and birthdays and vacation. My mom always went out of her way to make them feel involved in the celebration! And if we went on day trips for vacation, we took them along! It made our lives richer by meeting these people. And yes, it didn't hurt my dad's career. They reciprocated when he was in their country.

So unbend a little! She's not asking to share your bedroom! Just a little of your time. Why are you threatened by her?

Vent: I Don't Like Sharing My Husband

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