Did I push to hard?

calico2222

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One thing I can say, I grew up in a Roman Catholic household (not polish, but Italian/Irish) and I was the only daughter. In fact, I was the only child. I actually did live at home until I was 28 years old. I went away to college but got a job near home and just decided to live there out of convienence. It was only supposed to be for a little while, but everytime I got a house w/ roommates or an apartment lined up, my mom pulled a guilt trip or told me I wasn't responsible enough to live by myself. So I stayed. I can understand the Catholic "guilt" she may be going through. My mom expected me to live at home until my wedding day. And, I didn't really fight her....until I met a guy on the internet.

He lived in Guam. We talked for 6 months, then he flew to the states to meet me. My parents did let him stay in our house but he slept on the couch. 2 weeks after he left, I told mom I was moving to Guam...2 weeks later. I already had my ticket ordered (paid by him). I went to Guam with 3 suitcases and $40 in my pocket. That was the ONLY way I could get out from under her thumb. And, it was the hardest thing I ever did, but it was the best thing for me. The relationship lasted 4 years before it fizzled out, but I grew up so much in that time.

Your girlfriend needs to stand up for herself. And, if she cares about you, she has to make an effort too. My mom basically didn't speak to me for the last 2 weeks I was home. If she did, it was a sarcastic comment that I ignored, or she would just start bawling and asking "where did I go wrong..."
I hated to do it to her, but I had to do something for myself. And, she realized after a few months that I NEEDED to do this, she was ok and both my parents were so proud of me for taking that step. It sounds like your girlfriend is at the same place. She NEEDS to do something to start HER life and not live for her parents.

I just wanted to say I may understand why she is still living with her parents. Old school Catholics are tough.
 

rianna

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Why haven't you met her parents? Maybe they are so unsure of you since you come visit their daughter while they're out of town. That's probably why they think you're up to no good.

You may love this girl, but from what you have posted, she isn't willing to make any sacrifices for you. I would take the fact that she is 30 and has two degrees, but refuses to get a job as a HUGE red flag. She's using you since she knows you come from money. How much has she actually put into your relationship? It may be hard to see since you care about her, but to a third party, it's blazingly obvious. She sees a huge dollar sign on your forehead.

I agree with whoever said to go visit your family instead of your girlfriend. THEY need you, not her. After all that they have given you, it' the LEAST you could do. You have an amazing family who has always supported you. They give you money whenever you need it because you are their son.... but it's time you started acting like it. My mother died when I was 9 years old and my father nearly died a month ago due to a blood clot in his leg. Cherish the time you have with your family. Do not take them for granted, especially when they are in need.
 

h~chan

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Originally Posted by Rianna

You may love this girl, but from what you have posted, she isn't willing to make any sacrifices for you. I would take the fact that she is 30 and has two degrees, but refuses to get a job as a HUGE red flag. She's using you since she knows you come from money. How much has she actually put into your relationship? It may be hard to see since you care about her, but to a third party, it's blazingly obvious. She sees a huge dollar sign on your forehead.


I agree with this.
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by algebrapro18

She isn't married I have spent the night at her house before when her parents weren't home so I know their is no one else. Though I have sunk a substantial amount of money into the relationship($10,000 - $15,000 with all the presents and other stuff) so I might be her boytoy.

I am planning to finish my degree before moving up there so don't worry about that. I hope to graduate in May so I will be moving up there in June unless things change. I am also planning to go back to school when I am up there to get my degree in clinical psychology which is what I really want to do I am only getting the math degree because my dad is making me finish it up. I plan on doing nothing with it but I will have it to fall back on I guess.
Oh man is she playing you!!! You are being used big time! Wake up and smell the coffee!

I know love is blind but the rest of us see your situation rather clearly!

She's using you! Kick her to the curb and find someone who can pull their own weight in the relationship. You are flat broke and getting money from your sick parents to go and see a woman who is using you and treating you like her sugar daddy!

Snap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, how old are you?! You seem very young and naive.
 
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algebrapro18

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I asked her about paying for my trip her self when she called for her usual hour long talk at work and she said that she needed to use the money to pay taxes. Apparently she forgot to do that...*shurgs* so that option is out the window. I am just going to wait and see what my dad says.
 

trillcat

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Now I am begining to think you are playing with us. Pay taxes for what??? How could a single person living at home rack up $6000 in taxes? She "forgot" to file a tax return? What exactly is she being taxed on?
 

rianna

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That somehow doesn't surprise me that the one time you ask her to pay for something, she has some excuse. If she doesn't have a job, and lives at home, what taxes does she have?
 

essayons89

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Originally Posted by Rianna

Why haven't you met her parents? Maybe they are so unsure of you since you come visit their daughter while they're out of town. That's probably why they think you're up to no good.

You may love this girl, but from what you have posted, she isn't willing to make any sacrifices for you. I would take the fact that she is 30 and has two degrees, but refuses to get a job as a HUGE red flag. She's using you since she knows you come from money. How much has she actually put into your relationship? It may be hard to see since you care about her, but to a third party, it's blazingly obvious. She sees a huge dollar sign on your forehead.

I agree with whoever said to go visit your family instead of your girlfriend. THEY need you, not her. After all that they have given you, it' the LEAST you could do. You have an amazing family who has always supported you. They give you money whenever you need it because you are their son.... but it's time you started acting like it. My mother died when I was 9 years old and my father nearly died a month ago due to a blood clot in his leg. Cherish the time you have with your family. Do not take them for granted, especially when they are in need.
I couldn't agree more.

She's playing you for a fool. The relationship looks to me like it's all one sided and it takes two people to make one work. You're doing all of the giving, she's doing all of the taking. That doesn't make for a healthy relationship.
 

cococat

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Originally Posted by algebrapro18

I am also planning to go back to school when I am up there to get my degree in clinical psychology which is what I really want to do I am only getting the math degree because my dad is making me finish it up..
Then a 30 year old woman living at home with parents still dictating her life should be right interesting to you on many levels!!!! And a brother that might "tell" on her or something, she is worried about him coming over too! And you guys have to sneak around when you supposedly aren't doing anything wrong. The family dynamics there are really messed up! I think it is more likely that she is married and has a family and is playing a game with you.
And you, living off your parents at your age, having them pay for your whole college, and you keep taking from them, even with subtle hints they really can't afford it...to go on trips. You finish a math degree since your dad "makes" you?!
Since you are interested in clinical psychology, look into your situation a bit more closely, or at the very least at what you wrote here, which is all people have to go by
And don't take this personal; after all, I only know what you present here and am asking you to take a critical and long mental look at your situation and how it might appear to someone else or to you if you thought about it for awhile minus emotions, just looking at facts. I am sure there is a lot we don't have the privilege of knowing.
 

mbrcpr

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Wow. The reasons you give for being sure she's living with her parents could easily be faked by someone who wants you to keep thinking that. If she wanted out of her parents' house, provided that's really where she lives, she could easily do so on $6000. I don't believe she forgot to pay her taxes, either. Especially not $6000 worth of taxes. I forgot about a $50 tax bill. Fifty bucks. At least until I got the reminder! Kinda hard to forget multiple thousands of dollars.

You are sticking with someone that you say "refuses" to do anything to be able to see you, and that you are the one who makes all the sacrifices in the relationship. I promise you, this will not change. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

As far as not finding a job. what do your applications look like? You need to write neatly (even if it takes you two hours to fill it out and you have to take a break halfway through, write neatly!), and fill it in completely. If there is something that doesn't require an answer from you, then put "N/A" on the line, for "Not Applicable" so they know you didn't just skip it. What do you look like when you pick up the application, and drop it off? You should go in there looking like you are ready for an interview. I'm not saying suit and tie (unless it's what you'd be wearing to work for that job), but at least wear a pair of unwrinkled, clean khacki pants and a polo shirt. Comb your hair, make sure your face is shaved/trimmed and neat. Make eye contact, shake hands, be polite. Stand up straight! Sell yourself! If you walk in wearing jeans and a t shirt, unshaven, and with messed up hair, you're not making a good impression. Make yourself look like someone they want to hire. Also avoid slang, turn your cell phone off, put the bluetooth in your pocket, etc. I've worked at places where applications got "lost" if we didn't like the looks of the person who showed up, or if it was full of misspelled words, scribbled out words, and just generally messy. Sell yourself and you'll get a job! The job market it tough right now, give yourself every advantage!
 

spudsmom

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Originally Posted by mbrcpr

Wow. The reasons you give for being sure she's living with her parents could easily be faked by someone who wants you to keep thinking that. If she wanted out of her parents' house, provided that's really where she lives, she could easily do so on $6000. I don't believe she forgot to pay her taxes, either. Especially not $6000 worth of taxes. I forgot about a $50 tax bill. Fifty bucks. At least until I got the reminder! Kinda hard to forget multiple thousands of dollars.

You are sticking with someone that you say "refuses" to do anything to be able to see you, and that you are the one who makes all the sacrifices in the relationship. I promise you, this will not change. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

As far as not finding a job. what do your applications look like? You need to write neatly (even if it takes you two hours to fill it out and you have to take a break halfway through, write neatly!), and fill it in completely. If there is something that doesn't require an answer from you, then put "N/A" on the line, for "Not Applicable" so they know you didn't just skip it. What do you look like when you pick up the application, and drop it off? You should go in there looking like you are ready for an interview. I'm not saying suit and tie (unless it's what you'd be wearing to work for that job), but at least wear a pair of unwrinkled, clean khacki pants and a polo shirt. Comb your hair, make sure your face is shaved/trimmed and neat. Make eye contact, shake hands, be polite. Stand up straight! Sell yourself! If you walk in wearing jeans and a t shirt, unshaven, and with messed up hair, you're not making a good impression. Make yourself look like someone they want to hire. Also avoid slang, turn your cell phone off, put the bluetooth in your pocket, etc. I've worked at places where applications got "lost" if we didn't like the looks of the person who showed up, or if it was full of misspelled words, scribbled out words, and just generally messy. Sell yourself and you'll get a job! The job market it tough right now, give yourself every advantage!
You said it perfectly!
 

clixpix

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Originally Posted by algebrapro18

To clear one thing up I live on my own about 180 miles away from my parents, so I'm not living with them though sometimes I wish I were. Especially now that my mom is so dependent on other people I wish I could go home and give my dad and brother a little bit of a break but I don't have time time or the money to go back home right now. My dad was able to get away over the 4th and relax a little bit and he even took a few naps which he really really needed, he has been running himself ragged taking care of my mom and working his usual schedules as a doctor.
I have to say that I'm stunned by this. Your parents need help so badly, and you're choosing this time to hit them up for money to go see your girlfriend? Really? You don't have the time to go see the parents who have been incredibly generous with you, but you have the time to go see a girl who makes zero effort to see you, and you want them to pay for it to boot?
Originally Posted by algebrapro18

I asked her about paying for my trip her self when she called for her usual hour long talk at work and she said that she needed to use the money to pay taxes. Apparently she forgot to do that...*shurgs* so that option is out the window. I am just going to wait and see what my dad says.
Clearly you are going to do what you want to do. Not one person has encouraged you to continue to pursue this with your dad. In fact, absolutely everyone has advised you to drop it.

The bottom line is that the right thing to do, and the grown up thing to do would be to not take the money from your father. Take the trip when you can pay for it yourself. Personally, I'd be re-evaluating a relationship that is clearly so one-sided. You make all the effort, your parents pay for everything, and she does...well...nothing.
 

rosiemac

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I'm still wondering what's making you think she'll leave home next year when she can't do it now?.

How long has this relationship beeing going btw?, and how many times have you actually seen her?
Originally Posted by clixpix

You don't have the time to go see the parents who have been incredibly generous with you, but you have the time to go see a girl .
That's really bad
You've got no excuse not to see them, your not working so you have plenty of time on your hands to go home and help them.
 
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algebrapro18

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I've been in this relationship for 10 months now and I've been up there twice. The last trip was for 10 days and it was great minus a few fights we had. I even went to work with her a few times, though that was rather boring because she was busy the entire time but I still went because she wanted me to. I have also gone to 2 of her 3-4 hour long choir practices which I really get nothing out of but again I go because its not like i can be there every week to support her and her parents never go.

I do really wish she would come down but she just won't. I even offered to buy her round trip tickets(with my own money I have saved up) but she again refused. I am hoping that she will make the trip down in May when I graduate because I would like her to be there when I walk across the stage. I know she works but its only part time and she hasn't taken a sick day in about 3 years so she has some saved up its not like she can't take the trip. And thats all she does is work 4 hours a day, not like me who is in school upwards of 6-7 hours a day not including time that I study. Although it would be really hard to study with her here I know that for sure but I would put up with it.
 

emrldsky

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Nuh uh...might give me away!
I give up. It's obvious you just want us all to agree that you're doing the right thing, even after we've all told you that we don't think you are.

It's also obvious that you're going to go see her, no matter how much you talk about needing to spend time with your parents. I still feel that you will be better off spending the time you would have spent with her with your parents. They deserve it.
 

calico2222

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Originally Posted by algebrapro18

I do really wish she would come down but she just won't. I even offered to buy her round trip tickets(with my own money I have saved up) but she again refused. I am hoping that she will make the trip down in May when I graduate because I would like her to be there when I walk across the stage. I know she works but its only part time and she hasn't taken a sick day in about 3 years so she has some saved up its not like she can't take the trip. And thats all she does is work 4 hours a day, not like me who is in school upwards of 6-7 hours a day not including time that I study. Although it would be really hard to study with her here I know that for sure but I would put up with it.
So, you have enough money saved up to buy HER a round trip ticket, but you have to hit your parents up for money for YOUR trip when they are already strapped from paying for your last trip?? Think about that for a second.

Honey, I wouldn't count on her coming down for your graduation, or on her moving out if you moved up there. She has 2 degrees and is only working part time? Why??? She works part time, is living with her parents, and somehow owes $6000 in taxes?? That doesn't make any sense. She is refusing to come down and see you. That should tell you something right there.

Maybe I'm more naive than some people here, but I don't doubt that she's still living with her parents (as opposed to being married) but I also don't think she plans on changing that any time soon...not for you at least. I would get out of this relationship ASAP before you get sucked in any deeper. Get your own life together, concentrate on graduating, getting a job, and standing on your own two feet instead of relying on daddy to foot the bills.
 

yosemite

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I have read this thread with unbelief, then dismay. As a Canadian who has been paying taxes for many, many, many years, let me just tell you that if this person is only working 4 hours a day, there is no way they would need to pay taxes and especially not that kind of money.

Young man, you are being conned and everybody sees it but you. I feel bad for your parents - they are having enough worries without you adding to them. You need to take that money you've saved up and visit your parents not this woman here in Canada. If your "girlfriend" was half as good as you say she is, then she would be encouraging you visit your parents and do whatever you can to help right now - the fact that she isn't urging you to do so does not say there is much good about her in my opinion.
 

ping

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Originally Posted by algebrapro18

I do really wish she would come down but she just won't. I even offered to buy her round trip tickets(with my own money I have saved up) but she again refused. .
Ok I read this post last night but held myself back from posting. But this really gets my goat. Here you are asking your dad to front money so you can see this girl (I won't call a 30 yr old that lives with her parents a woman) when you already have money saved up and offered to this girl so she could come see you. My advice is call your parents and say nevermind I have money saved I'll pay my own way. Not to mention the 10-15k you dropped on this girl in 10 mths. Man up and pay for your own trip.

As for this girl she is using you. Every reason you gave for her not seeing you and her living with her parents could easily be faked. Chances are she is married and using you as a boy toy.
 

mbrcpr

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I was thinking about this and wanted to add something else. You seem like a nice young man. You are giving EVERYTHING to a relationship that you really don't seem happy about. You don't think she'll even come to see your graduation? It's not like that comes out of nowhere, she'd have plenty of time to talk to her employer and schedule that time off work. I sure would have gone to see my boyfriend graduate, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

My thoughts are that you should end this relationship (that isn't really a relationship becuase you are doing all of the giving) and wait for the next one. You sound like a really good boyfriend, but you need someone who is going to give something to YOU in the relationship. Relationships are about give and take. On BOTH sides. There's people on here with way more experience than I have, but I've been married for 4 years and with my husband for 7 years. It's been a long and bumpy road, but if one of us was doing all of the giving, and the other doing all of the taking, it wouldn't have lasted this long.
 

mom of 4

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The relationship between two people rarely improves with marriage - IOW, this is as good as it gets. Would you be happy always being secondary to her parents? Are you okay with giving, giving, giving, and her taking, taking, taking?
Over the internet, you can say anything and present yourself in anyway - none of which has to be close to the truth.
Yes, you've met her, but she has made no effort to come see you.
Sorry, but a 30 year old, living at home, with 2 degrees, should have a real job and have way more in savings. There are a huge number of issues going here and you are not required to be her savior.

You also have a lot of growing up to do before entering any serious relationship. You don't have a good concept of financial responsibility or reasonable planning skills. You deserve more from a girl friend and do not need to be walked all over. Read your psych books on this type of relationship if you aren't willing to learn from the voices of many here..

Your parents, who obviously love you dearly, deserve more from you. You should be going home on weekends, to relieve family members of some of the responsibility of your mother's care. It will also be a time to bond with your mother - something you will never regret.
Your parents must be hurting a bit, or a lot, if your dad is talking about medical bills. Get a clue, Blue. Stop asking for money and start asking how you can help. Your parents have done a lot for you - what have you done for them?

From your posts on here, I doubt you will listen to me or anyone else, but at least we've tried.
 
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