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Just need to talk  

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
I need to talk really, really bad and I can't use my real username here for reasons I can't go into. (That have nothing to do with this site.)

I am so hurt....so disillusioned (sp???) with life in general....so sad.....so tired of trying to make this marriage work.

Please, if you think you know me, don't say my name.

I just don't get it. Is it me????????? One marriage already down the drain.....and thought number two would be better....*sigh*

I will never do this again. Ever.

The men that I have loved in my life (two) have both acted one way before I married them, and then it changed...BOTH times...I know people don't stay the same, and marriages have rough spots....but emotional abuse BOTH times????????????????

I am so tired of being called names in my life. When I was young my mother told me she was ashamed of me, and sometimes wished she never had me.....then as a teen I was overweight and called names in school like "fatso" "you should go back to the slaughter barn you came from" "how do you not break every mirror in the house?" etc....I came home from school bawling every day and wanting to not live anymore.

Then came husband #1....

He was the only guy (I was 20) who ever seemed to care about me and I thought I loved him...so I married him....he was so emotionally abusive....called me a "worthless f******ing wife" and a "dumb c*nt" and many other things.....for 8 years....then I met husband #2.....he told me I did not deserve to be treated that way....he said he would never treat me that way, he said he would care if I was crying...he made me laugh... he made me feel like I had a reason to live...but now....after 8 more years....I am in the same position again.....he doesn't care when I cry, he doesn't understand me, he puts me down, he is sarcastic to me, he treats me like I have no feelings, he says I am f*****cking lazy (how is that different from saying I am f****cking worthless?) I am not lazy.....I have a full time job, other responsibilites, (which he rarely helps with) and trying to keep the household stuff up, and just because I want to sleep last Sunday morning until 7 am instead of my usual 5 am he calls me lazy.

What is it with me and men??????? We have not spoken since last Sunday morning at 5 am.

I am scared of being alone....but I simply cannot go on this way....

I am so tired of being unhappy.... I feel I have wasted all my life being unhappy...are there any men out there who aren't jerks???? Who are what they seem to be??????? Or is it me? Am I just a horrible person to be married to??????
post #2 of 26
whoever you are you DO NOT deserve to be treated this way!!!!

don't take it! you are beautiful and wonderful and worth loving!!!
post #3 of 26
Thread Starter 
I just think I deserve better....but maybe not. I am a good wife...I cook, clean, etc...don't cheat on him....what in the heck am I doing wrong???? can someone please tell me??????????
post #4 of 26
Sweetie, I sent you a pm... please read it.
post #5 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thank you Jan. I just don't know anymore...I just can't do it anymore...I can't afford to live without him, but this is no kind of life for me...I'm so tired of hurting.......
post #6 of 26
How horrible! You do NOT deserve abuse of ANY kind. Someone who has GENUINE love for you accepts you for WHO you are....that is UNCONDITIONALLY. Love doesn't hurt. It HEALS.

I would suspect that maybe you are subconsciously putting yourself with men who eventually treat you terribly....probably because of the things your mother had said to you or the way you were treated when you were little. We tend to take this patterns into adulthood to try and "resolve" what we couldn't when we were younger. Sort of like a child of an alcoholic will marry and alcoholic.

You mentioned that you are afraid of being "alone". Isn't it already lonely with someone that treats you this way? Remember..there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Also..remember...happiness comes from WITHIN. Someone else cannot CREATE your happiness.

Obviously I don't know everything there is to know, but from what I hear, I would kick this clown to the curb and seek some therepy (it isn't a bad thing!). It sounds like you need to take care of YOU before you can take care of anyone else. Maybe it would be beneficial to soothe your soul...explore why you feel this way...why you put yourself with people like this....gain some self-esteem...and realize that you ARE worthy of a meaningful and HEALTHY relationship.

Best wishes......My thoughts are with ou...
post #7 of 26
I was going to write a lot of junk here, but I just put it into a PM instead...
post #8 of 26
many times it is not you. many times he is the one with insecurities that need to be dealt with.

abuse comes in all forms.

i lived with a man who would not ever let me be sad. if i had a bad day... he called me crazy. he would pin me down and yell at me but never hit me. it took a friend who dealt with abused woment to tell me this was not right.

get yourself help in getting strong. please! there is no fear or shame in seeing a counselor to deal with this abuse. you need to take care of yourself.

history does repeat itself if we do not deal with it. trust me, i make the smae mistakes twice or three times before i learn.

i don't know who you are, but i love you just the same. if i can help you in ANY way, pm me. i will.
post #9 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thank you Lola...I will go read your Pm right now.
post #10 of 26
very good post, carrie.
post #11 of 26
First of all...The main problem is that you do not think highly of yourself. You must be able to love yourself before anyone can truly love you. It sounds like you have been living in hell and I know first hand how that feels. This is not your fault by any means...I do not want you think thats what I am saying. Negativity breeds negativity. I don't know who you are, but I can tell that you are a sweet, beautiful and intellegent woman. Do you think you are those? If not, you really need to think positively about yourself. Those men have degraded you for so long, that now you actually believe the words that they say. DON'T BELIEVE THEM!
Some men are just jerks (to put it nicely) and yes there are nice & good men out there...but if you don't love yourself, you will attract those wrong kinds of men.
I am by far not a Pyschologist or anything...I've been down that road before and it takes a lot of support from friends & lots of positive thoughts.
I'm sorry if this happens to come across rudely or anything..it is not my intention. You are very brave right now...You reaching out for some help and that is the very first step. I applaud you for that! If you need to let out some steam, go ahead...us TCS people have open ears and soft shoulders to cry on.
post #12 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thank you Carrie for what you said. And thanks Jan for what you said also. I am just so hurt and confused...he is so sarcastic with me, and treats me like I am such a disappointment to him...I just want to be happy for ONCE in my life!!! But there are reasons I can't just walk out and leave....I can't go into them here....thanks for caring guys. It means alot!!!!
post #13 of 26
I agree, it is a very brave thing to do to be able to reach out for some sort of help! Recognozing that something isn't right is the hardest thing for anyone to do. A lot of people just stay in these situations...it is really sad.

And thanks for the compliment about my post....I never put myself in a position for abuse, exactly....it was me pushing people away...didn't have trust...etc...so I had to go through my own soul searching. Now..here I am....getting married to the man of my dreams.

Therapy helps. It heals. Second step!
post #14 of 26

It's not you. Abusive men will be that way with anyone, and they do know how to woo a person.

Being single isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's the best thing. It sounds like you have never really had time to get to know *yourself*, and be comfortable with yourself. You have to do whatever is necessary to preserve yourself and your family (kitties too!).

We're here to support you, whatever your decision. Be strong, and take care of YOU.
post #15 of 26
Take the link I sent... they will help you. I have seen more than one exit plan formulated over there. And they're super-supportive.
post #16 of 26
I don't have any advice for you other than remember that you are a worthwhile person and you don't deserve any abuse. I have also PM'd you.
post #17 of 26
Thread Starter 
Oh Shell, no you weren't rude!!!! I have always thought alot of you and what you said to me just now is true...I don't think very highly of myself after being put down so many many years by first my mother then the two men I married....I am ready to give up...I am starting to think there is no such thing as a man who really cares how you feel....I shouldn't feel that way...but wouldn't anyone after two marraiges that turned out to be the same??? When I first met husband #2 and told him how husband number #1 treated me he shook his head and said he couldn't believe it and that I di not deserve it...and now he is doing the exact same thing!!!! Hubby #1 threw things, broke things....and hubby #2 has done the same thing......he has thrown things in the house, and I just don't know anymore if they are "bad" men to start out with or if there is something about me that turns perfectly good men into bad men......I just don't know anymore. Thanks for listing.....I am going to check those Pm's now. Thanks everyone for being there for me.
post #18 of 26
no, honestly. you can't turn a man bad. it's in them to begin with. and things sometimes change when you get married. we are our best selves before marriage. don't beat yourself up over your and his behavior.
post #19 of 26
Honey, who would be with an abusive man, if they acted abusive when you met them? IT'S NOT YOU!!!!!!!! If there's one thing I've noticed, abusive men pick sweet girls who really care to suck in because they know we won't say "that's it, I'm out", we say "oh sweetie, what's wrong?" You CAN & WILL survive this!
post #20 of 26

I just emailed you- hugs ((((((())))))))))
post #21 of 26
No..they are bad men to start with...they just might not know it yet...but I think you have an inner canny to know which is why you choose them. That isn't a cut down by any means at all....how could you not think you deserve just that when that is what you have been told all of your life?

I realize that there might be situations that prevent you from leaving...and I don't know what those are, but it might be helpful to try and see if you can work on a solution to those obstacles so you are able to be ok on your own I am actually very sad for you right now. I was headed to bed like 30 minutes ago, but I have been hanging here to read and post....

PLEASE take care of yourself...PLEASE. And when you are told terrible things, you need to tell YOURSELF they are not true.

You know....people degrade other people so it makes THEM look like they are better. It isn't about YOU. It is about THEM. If you are "worthless" then they must not be! See how that works?

Somewhere out there is your soul mate and when you are ready, healed, and are able to function in a healthy relationship, he will be ready for you. Trust me.

Awesome book I swear my LIFE on is called "In the Meantime" by I. Vanzant. She ROCKS. It is a wonderful book that WILL help you look at things. I still have mine and I highlighted everything in it that applied to me.

OK...I have to stop now...lol I could just talk and try to console all night!
post #22 of 26
Please please get counceling! I too was in two disasterous marriages! Both of them cheated, lied and lived off my income! I took it to show them I loved them and they walked all over me! You have to find out why you choose to let men treat you this way. NEVER get involved with someone because you want to make their life better. Find someone who will make yours better and then things will fall into place.
Love and sweet dreams!
post #23 of 26
Honey, Is there a womens shelter near you? Or a WMCA? somewhere you could go at little or no cost? You need to get out of there now! Do not let this man do this to you,you are a beautful person ! There is a man out there for you,don't let this one tear you down! God Bless and good luck,and keep us up to date!
post #24 of 26
I thought that these might be of use to others so I'll post them here:

Domestic Abuse Helpline: 1-800-799-SAFE

Legal Help: http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/.../freehelp.html

post #25 of 26
Thanks Vickie! Maybe she will use it!
post #26 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thank you to all of you who have helped me tonight. I appreciated it more than you will ever know. Thank you!!!!!! Please don't Pm me now though...I am going back to my normal username here so I won't see it. But thanks for caring...I love you all!!!!! You all have helped me so very very much!!!!!! And I needed it!!!!!!
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