I think I am slowly losing control

duchess15

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There are days I want to take my car and run it through a barrier. Sometimes, when I go home from work, I just cry. I cry because my mom is gone and because I hate the hospital I work at and I'm beginning to despise the people I work with. They treat me like crap a lot of the time and easily forget that time does not erase all. They will never be like family and in the end, I will be the only one left in our family. There are very few people in this world who experience complete and total lonliness.

I get depressed fairly often. I have lost interest in a lot of things I used to do - one big reason - I'm tired all the time. I have all her responsibilities along with mine so by the time I get to what needs to be done outside, I'm too tired. Moreso than ever before.

Everywhere I go, it is just a constant reminder of her. The doctor who cared for her has unexpectantly died - it was a shock to us all in the lab. I am not so cold-hearted that I would wish this for anyone, but - I do not feel anything at all.

This year is just going from bad to worse. If something happens to my dad this year, I will have to choose between seeing him in the hospital and keeping my own healthcare.

My mother suffered horribly for a long time - knowing that will bother me for the rest of my life.

I can let go with a few wonderful friends I have made on TCS, but I can't even let go with my best friend. My mind will not allow me to crumble around others.

There are days where nothing seems to matter. The petty things my co-workers talk about really irritates me to the point I feel like slapping them. There is always one who talks about having a black cloud. It is nothing compared to what my parents suffered and will suffer in the future.

I do not know how much longer I will be able to hold out at work. I am only staying because my dad goes there for treatment and I can easily get his appointments changed/ and all meds.

I have gone through what most people experience in a lifetime. I don't know what to do anymore.
 

mer636

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honestly I think you need to talk to a professional that can help you through these tough times since they can probably offer better advice than any of us here I know that it's really hard to lose someone who means the world to you and I hope maybe talking to a professional will help you see the brighter things
 

laureen227

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Sabrina - are you seeing a grief counselor?
i ask, because tiredness & many of the other things you mentioned are classic signs of depression.
depression can be situational [like yours] or have other causes. but there's a change in brain chemistry that occurs to cause depression, & that's treatable w/therapy & medication.
i realize that such medication will not bring back your mother... but you need SOMETHING to 'tide you over' this incredibly painful time.
if you're unhappy at work [& have been before this time] then look for another position. but if this unhappiness is since your mother's passing, it's quite likely that it's more of a side effect of the depression.
while we're always here for you, we're not therapists [or, at least, i'm not!]. i really think you need to see a professional - someone IRL that you can let go to, crumble in front of - you need that release.
i know, in some part, how you feel - i've been depressed. all that kept me alive was the thought of the pain it would cause my family. this is why you concern me - you've already lost most of your family.
please look into this! most health care plans will cover therapy, at least for a short period of time.
 
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duchess15

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Originally Posted by laureen227

Sabrina - are you seeing a grief counselor?
i ask, because tiredness & many of the other things you mentioned are classic signs of depression.
depression can be situational [like yours] or have other causes. but there's a change in brain chemistry that occurs to cause depression, & that's treatable w/therapy & medication.
i realize that such medication will not bring back your mother... but you need SOMETHING to 'tide you over' this incredibly painful time.
if you're unhappy at work [& have been before this time] then look for another position. but if this unhappiness is since your mother's passing, it's quite likely that it's more of a side effect of the depression.
while we're always here for you, we're not therapists [or, at least, i'm not!]. i really think you need to see a professional - someone IRL that you can let go to, crumble in front of - you need that release.
i know, in some part, how you feel - i've been depressed. all that kept me alive was the thought of the pain it would cause my family. this is why you concern me - you've already lost most of your family.
please look into this! most health care plans will cover therapy, at least for a short period of time.
I tried one professional - didn't like him at all. It wasn't for grief either. I may ask my doctor to refer me to a grief counselor or some other professional.

I have had problems at work before my mom died. This has only made it worse. When my dad goes, I think I will lose it completely because I will have lost everything I have ever known and will not have anyone close by I can depend on. I know it will happen - it is only a matter of time. Time is not on my side. So it is constantly on my mind.

Laureen - I'm completely miserable and the only thing that keeps me from doing anything stupid is that my mom never gave up, so I can't either.
 

luvmy2cats

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Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you are still having such a hard time.
I would really seek help from a therapist. Don't give up just because you didn't like the first one. I went through some therapy as a teenager and I didn't like my first counsler, but the second one was great. Keep searching, there's someone out there that will be able to help you cope.
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by Duchess15

I don't know what to do anymore.
You have depression. Go see a doctor and get on some anti-depressants, and make an appointment with a pschologist to get some counselling.

I guaranty that anti-depressants in conjuction with a counselling, will make you feel loads better!
 

laureen227

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Originally Posted by Duchess15

Laureen - I'm completely miserable and the only thing that keeps me from doing anything stupid is that my mom never gave up, so I can't either.
well, at least something's stopping you!
do ask - you have nothing to lose by trying someone else.
sending & your way, too...
 
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duchess15

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

You have depression. Go see a doctor and get on some anti-depressants, and make an appointment with a pschologist to get some counselling.

I guaranty that anti-depressants in conjuction with a counselling, will make you feel loads better!
I took meds when I was younger for anxiety attacks. They didn't help at all. I don't believe in taking meds for everything either. Afterall, I don't want to kill my liver.

However, I think if I could talk to someone, it would help.
 

luvmy2cats

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

You have depression. Go see a doctor and get on some anti-depressants, and make an appointment with a pschologist to get some counselling.

I guaranty that anti-depressants in conjuction with a counselling, will make you feel loads better!
I agree with the anti depressant thing but IMO it would be better for her to find a therapist and have them prescribe the medication. I know doctors can to it but a therapist can get a better idea of what would be right for her.
 

laureen227

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Originally Posted by Duchess15

I took meds when I was younger for anxiety attacks. They didn't help at all. I don't like taking meds for everything either.

However, I think if I could talk to someone, it would help.
well, medicine has come a long way.
i discovered that my depression was an allergic reaction. weird, i know - but i was on anti-depressants before i made that discovery, & they did help.
but even if you decide against medication, you need the therapy side.
 
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duchess15

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Originally Posted by laureen227

well, medicine has come a long way.
i discovered that my depression was an allergic reaction. weird, i know - but i was on anti-depressants before i made that discovery, & they did help.
but even if you decide against medication, you need the therapy side.
I can agree with that. If not now, I will later when nothing is left.
 

Moz

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

You have depression. Go see a doctor and get on some anti-depressants, and make an appointment with a pschologist to get some counselling.

I guaranty that anti-depressants in conjuction with a counselling, will make you feel loads better!
I agree. It's worked for me. However, medication is not for everyone, but I suggest you see a therapist.

I am by no means an expert, but I really, really want you to seek help. We don't want you to come to the point where you feel like harming yourself is the only way out. Your mom would not have wanted that to happen. At least you've made the first step and told somebody about how you feel, even if it's over the internet.


I sincerely hope you start feeling better soon. Depression sucks!
 

jaspers mummy

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I know what you are going through and it's not easy all I can sugest is that you get some councling and see your doc about anti depresants

also this may sound a bit harsh but it is not meant to try not to hate the people around you for being happy it's so easy to do when your world is falling apart just try and remeber that no matter how much you try and explain to people they really have no idea how you are feeling and it's not because they don't care don't let the black hole win fight you have to want to get through take all the help you can get hun

other than that all I can say is it will get easyer with time hun I know sounds like a load of bull it will
it will never be the same but the pain and horror of how you are felling will lessan I wish there was something I could say that would actally help
 

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I agree with the need for grief counseling, and yes, this sounds like depression...that damp grey blanket that can drop over your head...you notice it more acutely when it lifts.

I just wanted to say, and I am sorry if this sounds trite in any way, as I'm very serious and have experienced this myself..you have NO idea of who you have touched/impacted already in your life or who you will make a difference to in the future...there is only ONE "you" and you matter more than you know.
 

glitch

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It sounds like you have been through alot! I know how the depression thing can go, but besides that I can't say I know how you're feeling because I dont! Know that you are loved and people around you do care even if they cant feel what you do!
 
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duchess15

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Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

I agree with the need for grief counseling, and yes, this sounds like depression...that damp grey blanket that can drop over your head...you notice it more acutely when it lifts.

I just wanted to say, and I am sorry if this sounds trite in any way, as I'm very serious and have experienced this myself..you have NO idea of who you have touched/impacted already in your life or who you will make a difference to in the future...there is only ONE "you" and you matter more than you know.
True as your statement is - I feel completely the opposite. That no one would miss me and all the people I know are much older than myself so there will be no one left.


I have these range of emotions, but one thing is clear - I will never dishonor my mom's memory by doing something stupid.
 

luvmy2cats

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Originally Posted by Duchess15

True as your statement is - I feel completely the opposite. That no one would miss me and all the people I know are much older than myself so there will be no one left.


I have these range of emotions, but one thing is clear - I will never dishonor my mom's memory by doing something stupid.
All of us on TCS would miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

pat

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Originally Posted by Duchess15

True as your statement is - I feel completely the opposite. That no one would miss me and all the people I know are much older than myself so there will be no one left.


I have these range of emotions, but one thing is clear - I will never dishonor my mom's memory by doing something stupid.
Yes, when you are depressed it's damn hard to believe it, but I've seen it, and I know it...I remember things as a child that I am sure no adult would have realized would be so significant...it isn't just the folks older than you or even your age, that you have an impact on.

Feel better soon...get that grief counseling.
 
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