I've been reading your threads about your mom and along with the sorrow and pain there is a lot of anger. Sorrow and pain will heal with time, but anger is such a destructive emotion. It ends up turning around and hurting you. You are justified in the anger against the doctor that mistreated your mom, but don't let it spill over into the rest of your life and color everything else. You've hit a bad bump and need help getting over it. It's easy to focus on what's wrong with everyone else rather than looking inside of you where all the pain is, that's a scary and difficult thing to do. You are so proud of your mom's bravery and it's in you too, find someone to help you tap into it.