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How do you tell someone....

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
That your tired of being taken advantage of, without starting a big fight??

Long story short, it has to do with my SIL and I always have her daughter, but yet when I ask her to watch my daughter, she has something to do?!?!

I dont want to start a fight but its getting to the point where I am going to blow!

Ugghh.......
post #2 of 13
Right, there is two ways of dealing with this... either the way, or the nice way! (personally I prefer the more approach! )

Either you start "inventing" things you have to do and can't do with an extra child in tow when she asks for you to take your neice OR just be honest with her and tell her how you feel when you next ask her to watch your daughter and she comes up with an excuse...

There is no need for you to start resenting your neice just because her mother doesn't reciprecate the favour of watching your daughter!

I do know how you feel, I have a stepson who used to spend days at a time at my house because mommy dearest wanted to go out partying, or I'd be called at some ungodly hour to fetch and take him to school - to the detriment of my own job... it just got to the point where I felt as though I was being used and abused and started to just say NO! It worked and now I no longer get called on to do the school run!

Good luck!
post #3 of 13
Just start saying that you can't take her child. No reason to give her an excuse, just a simple "No, I'm sorry, but I can't today" will suffice.

On occasion you might want to say yes if you want, but don't feel badly about saying "no".

We teach people how to treat us and unfortunately by you always being available you have taught her how to take advantage of your kindness.

Another tactic you might use is the trade system. If she asks you to look after her child tomorrow, tell her yes, but only if you look after mine on Saturday. Make sure you give her a specific day instead of "sometime in the future".
post #4 of 13
How old is the child in question? Bottom line is that if you don't watch her, then its not punishing the SIL - its punishing the child. The child is innocent in all this.

If its a matter of money (if you take the child to the movies with you or buying her something when out), then tell the SIL that she needs to give the child (or you) some money to cover expenses, otherwise the child can't go with you and your child.
post #5 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Just start saying that you can't take her child. No reason to give her an excuse, just a simple "No, I'm sorry, but I can't today" will suffice.

On occasion you might want to say yes if you want, but don't feel badly about saying "no".

We teach people how to treat us and unfortunately by you always being available you have taught her how to take advantage of your kindness.

Another tactic you might use is the trade system. If she asks you to look after her child tomorrow, tell her yes, but only if you look after mine on Saturday. Make sure you give her a specific day instead of "sometime in the future".
Much better than how I put it!
post #6 of 13
Thread Starter 
The niece is 4(same age as my daughter) so it gives them both somebody to play with, but what makes me angry is she is not willing to watch my daughter in return.....I don't charge her to keep her daughter...I just do it, because I am nice. I don't want to start a big argument because she would be the type to not allow the niece to come over, because she is childish that way....
post #7 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by catloverin_ks View Post
she would be the type to not allow the niece to come over, because she is childish that way....
In that case just say "no", or don't say anything at all and know that it's a one sided babysitting relationship and that you can't rely on her to reciprocate.
post #8 of 13
But by refusing to watch her, that's really hurting the child - not the mother! How do you explain to a 4 yr old child that she can't come anymore cause her mother won't babysit her cousin????
post #9 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45 View Post
But by refusing to watch her, that's really hurting the child - not the mother! How do you explain to a 4 yr old child that she can't come anymore cause her mother won't babysit her cousin????
I think the whole point here is to just say no without having to explain anything to anyone. Let the mother deal with the disappointed 4 year old child - after all it's her responsibility not the used and abused free babysitters responsibility. And I do think it is hurting the mother - children can be very resilient and understand far more than we give them credit for.
post #10 of 13
My way of doing things, which admittedly isn't always effective, is just to be direct: "Y'know, I'm so glad our daughters are friends, and I enjoy having your little girl here. But it would really help me out if sometimes you could be the one to watch the girls. Like next Tuesday -- could you keep them in the morning so I can get my hair done?"

By quickly adding a specific request on the end of the statement, you may be able to get her to respond to the issue and not to the implied reprimand.
post #11 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
My way of doing things, which admittedly isn't always effective, is just to be direct: "Y'know, I'm so glad our daughters are friends, and I enjoy having your little girl here. But it would really help me out if sometimes you could be the one to watch the girls. Like next Tuesday -- could you keep them in the morning so I can get my hair done?"

By quickly adding a specific request on the end of the statement, you may be able to get her to respond to the issue and not to the implied reprimand.

I like the direct approach myself but from what I intuit from the OP, this isn't going to work. It's just going to get her SIL mad if I'm reading it right. I could be wrong but that's how I read it. I honestly like the learning to say no bit the best. It's really hard for some people to say no which trains people to use them. As difficult as it may be, start saying no and don't think you need to make up any excuses why or why not. Just no, sorry I have other plans, PERIOD. There is no need to explain, elaborate or justify why you say no.
post #12 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
I like the direct approach myself but from what I intuit from the OP, this isn't going to work. It's just going to get her SIL mad if I'm reading it right. I could be wrong but that's how I read it. I honestly like the learning to say no bit the best. It's really hard for some people to say no which trains people to use them. As difficult as it may be, start saying no and don't think you need to make up any excuses why or why not. Just no, sorry I have other plans, PERIOD. There is no need to explain, elaborate or justify why you say no.
Yeah, no wiggle room and don't feel GUILTY!! You cannot change your SIL... you can only change your behavior. I have a sister who is kind of a user. She's not a bad person... just selfish and controlling. I push back whenever I can... but when it comes to her kids, well- she knows I'm a big sucker. My boyfriend says, "tell her this.. tell her that".... And I say, I know it won't work. I have 40 plus years of experience with it.
post #13 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
My way of doing things, which admittedly isn't always effective, is just to be direct: "Y'know, I'm so glad our daughters are friends, and I enjoy having your little girl here. But it would really help me out if sometimes you could be the one to watch the girls. Like next Tuesday -- could you keep them in the morning so I can get my hair done?"

By quickly adding a specific request on the end of the statement, you may be able to get her to respond to the issue and not to the implied reprimand.

Love, love, love this advice
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