Should I be worried - no proposal after 10 years?

davecat

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Hello,

I feel so silly for asking this here.. but:

Should I be worried.

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years this year. We are both 22 years old and have lived together for the past 3 years in a place we bought together when we started working.

I feel upset sometimes becuase he hasnt proposed yet, and am worried that maybe he doesn't love me like I want him to.

I feel in despair because I am starting to feel really upset when I hear about friends or collegues who are getting engaged or married after only knowing someone 5 years or so.

Am I just being silly?
 

fwan

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I am nearly 22, but to be honest i am glad that i havent been with my Fh since i was 12! infact i was with one of his friends back then and had many other relationships untill we officially got together last year.

Please don't see this as a down side, i think its great that you've been together for that long.

You should sit down and talk to him about it.
 
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davecat

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Thats the problem - I have spoken to him about how I feel, but I dont want to make it seem that theres any pressure on him as I would feel awful if he did it when he didnt want to.
But the responses I have got in the past are all so minor to me.

He first of all said that when money was sorted when we remortgaged he would.
Then after we remortaged he said there wasnt as much money left over as he originally thought.
And he really doesnt beleive me when I tell him that it doesnt have to cost a penny and I dont want anything expensive.
My mum has even given me my grandmothers engagement ring. But I dont think he will ever use that.
 

rosiemac

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Honestly, getting engaged or married isn't the be all an end all of a relationship. If your happy together that's the most important thing, and it sounds like you are. Even some marriages havent lasted the 10 years you've been together.

A friend of mine was with her partner for 29 years when they married, and that was only because he contracted cancer and said he wanted to make sure she was looked after financially with his pension etc...
 

twstychik

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Talking and nagging are two entirely different things. I have a question though, do you NEED to get married? It's ok if you do and if that is something that you 100% want then he needs to know that. I suspect if you didn't feel loved by him you wouldn't still be together after 10 years. I felt like you do a few years ago except we'd only been dating 5 years but I'm 28 and he's 31. The last talk we had was that I needed to know that we both wanted the same things from our relationship... and that was marriage and a family. Once I knew we were both on the same page it was much easier for me to wait. That and I told him he could propose with a bread tie and I'd say yes! He told me that was all well and good but he wanted to get me a ring he felt I deserved... he out did himself!
 

goldenkitty45

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Even tho you were together for 10 yrs (you were barely a teen), things change and people change. You are only 22 and within the next 5-10 yrs, things will change alot.

I'd sit down and really think about this guy that you have been with. Can you honestly see you being married to him for the next 50 yrs? Can he? Have you guys ever dated others?

While it can work out that its the only one you date and marry and stay together for 50 yrs, the reality is against you. Most people date several people before they marry to know what they really want.

What is his reaction to marriage? You guys need to have a serious talk about what the future holds. And please hold off on kids till you decide what to do. Having a kid is a big responsibility and not a reason to get married/stay with the person. I've seen far too many people have kids and not being married and the destruction it causes when the couple splits up - not a healthy situation between the mother and father and child.
 
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davecat

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We always talk about our future together and we both have the same goals and they haven't changed.
And I know he will marry me one day, and he has told me this.

But i just wonder why if he can tell me that then why does he find it difficult to propose?

I would not say we have changed much since we were 12 years old. Still have the same group of friends and still live in the same area.

I would say we are quite grown up having left school at 16 and both gone and got decent jobs locally as we knew we wanted to be together and his goal was to own his own place before he was 20, which we managed to do.

But when we were younger, along with the talks of buying a house together were talks of getting engaged & married, and he always knew i was a strong christian and didnt want to leave home before i was engaged at the least, which obviously didnt happen that way.

And now after 3 years of living together I just feel kind of angry that he knows how strongly i have always felt about it and it just hasnt happened yet.

We would never think of having kids until we were married and would not feel at all ready any time soon and is another thing we also have always talked about and have said that if things go to plan then when we are 25-27 we will think about it.

But I want to be engaged for a few years before I get married, and then be married a little while before I have kids.

All he ever talks to me about is selling our place and moving to a bigger house and I just feel like I don't want to move any more until I have the commitment I feel I desirve.

He always knew I was happy living with my parents and didnt want to move out, so I feel like I have made a commitment to him. So am i correct in thinking that he is being selfish to now expect me to keep happy when all the promises he made to me before never came true?
 

twstychik

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Originally Posted by davecat

We always talk about our future together and we both have the same goals and they haven't changed.
And I know he will marry me one day, and he has told me this.

But i just wonder why if he can tell me that then why does he find it difficult to propose?
Because even if he KNOWS deep down that you want this and won't hesitate to say yes, it's a big deal. My hubby was SO nervous proposing to me... and I even knew he was having the ring made and was planning to propose but he was still shaking when he asked.

All he ever talks to me about is selling our place and moving to a bigger house and I just feel like I don't want to move any more until I have the commitment I feel I desirve.

He always knew I was happy living with my parents and didnt want to move out, so I feel like I have made a commitment to him. So am i correct in thinking that he is being selfish to now expect me to keep happy when all the promises he made to me before never came true?
I don't think he's necessarily being selfish but since you did move in with him before he proposed maybe he got the idea that it's not as important as you feel it is. I would lay it out for him and tell him that you don't feel comfortable buying another house until you're at least engaged or married. You don't want to be planning and paying for a wedding and buying a new house at the same time... talk about financial strain. Based on how things went with the first house, personally, I would want to get married first then upgrade houses.
 
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davecat

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Yea, that does sound like the wisest thing to do.

It would definatly not be fun moving and getting married, and I really don't want to get married and that be all that happens for ages.

I think it would be nice getting married and then knowing that sometime after that we would be moving as it would be something else exciting to look forward to.

I think I am probably over-reacting mostly.
I know deep down that he loves me more than anything, and I know he is probably waiting for the perfect time.

I just know that my worst fear right now that the perfect time might come and then go and it never happens.
But I hope that is just a silly thought in my mind.
 

mz kitty

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I agree that you are very young to make such a commitment, but then again, you've been together so long and have lived with each other for three years. If you were to ask a professional, she would probably tell you that this guy has commitment issues if he is still not proposing.

Trust me, people DO change and what you want in a mate at age 18-20 is totally different than what you want in a mate at age 25-30. That's why there are so many failed marriages.

Your original question..............are you silly? Absolutely not.

My opinion: have THE talk with him and if he still is reluctant, make your plans to move out and move on.
 

renovia

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I think it's great that you've been together for so many years - I hope you continue to be together for the rest of your lives. You've gotten some great advice from everyone here.

My 2 cents:

are you sure you NEED to get married, or do you just WANT to? Not need financially, but to be 'complete' versus 'because all my other friends are married'.

I would stand firm on not moving until he's proposed, you don't want to be paying for a wedding and an new place all at once.

I haven't met a man who wasn't scared out of his pants proposing - My BIL threw up the day he bought the ring. . . .My DH was pretty clammy...It's normal to be nervous.

Definitely make sure he's on the same page as you, and don't forget you are still very young, you could still wait a few years before getting a proposal and everything will still be all right for family . . . . .
 

renovia

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I can definitely attest to the 'what you want in a mate changes from your early 20s to your late 20s'.....

I have been with my DH since I was 21 and thank GOD I had had other boyfriends before him - the whole gammit if you ask me, from worshippers to ignorers, to neat freaks to slobs, to gentle, kind, passive to angry, harsh and aggressive. With out those other people, I wouldn't have had the life experiences to help me figure out who's best for me.
 

carolpetunia

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It does sound as if you are both a little more mature than the average 22-year-olds. But having been attached throughout such a long and critical period in your personal development carries with it some serious risks.

1. You've never had a chance to find out who you are without a partner -- and that's probably the most fundamental element of self-knowledge. Great insight and confidence can come from discovering that.

2. Someday, when you're on each other's nerves, one or both of you might think, "Y'know, I never found out what it's like to be attached to anyone else," and that could lead to infidelity.

In your place, I think I might arrange to be apart for awhile -- not a "breakup," but a sabbatical. If one of you could go away for the summer and stay with relatives, perhaps, I think you both might come back into the relationship much better prepared to either take your vows... or decide that they aren't necessary.

Whatever happens, I wish you the very best!
 
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davecat

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None of our friends are married, none of them have boyfriends or girlfriends so that won't be happeneing any time soon.

I wouldn't say we are too young at all. I will be 23 soon, and to me a mortgage is a much scarier thing for someone to do together.

I dont want to be married, I want him to propose. I would like to have a long engagement, but the longer it is left the shorter the engagement will end up being.

I would say we are both very different from anyone we know. All my friends think I am mad for staying with the same guy for so long. But when they see us together they see why.

Just becuase we started going out at 12, it doesnt mean that we had the odd break here or there when we were in our early teens and dated other people, which to me was definatly a good thing and it proved to me that he really was my soul mate.

We have got a second kitten together, a mortgage a joint bank account, share our car and we have lots in common.

I often thought that the reason could have been beacuse he was the youngest of 4 brothers and none of them have got engaged or married yet, but they dont have serious girlfriends, so that would be silly.

I think the main thing that has made me worry is that he knows since I was younger that I absolutly adore christmas time and love disney land and have always wanted to get engaged at that time.
So when he took me to disney land last christmas for what he said was going to be a special time away I was disapointed when we returned home from a normal holiday.
 
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davecat

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Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

In your place, I think I might arrange to be apart for awhile -- not a "breakup," but a sabbatical. If one of you could go away for the summer and stay with relatives, perhaps, I think you both might come back into the relationship much better prepared to either take your vows... or decide that they aren't necessary.
I agree with you there completely. I would think it would be great to be apart from each other for a while. But I don't know where I would go, I couldnt go out of the town as I work and we share a car.
Plus my friends are at Universities and don't live at all close.
I would defiantly jump at the chance otherwise.
 

mrblanche

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Originally Posted by davecat

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years this year. We are both 22 years old and have lived together for the past 3 years in a place we bought together when we started working.
Have you heard the expression, "Why should you buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"
 
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davecat

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Originally Posted by mrblanche

Have you heard the expression, "Why should you buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"
Unfortunatley I have... which is now I am starting to regret moving in with him rather than making him wait.
 

twstychik

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Originally Posted by davecat

Unfortunatley I have... which is now I am starting to regret moving in with him rather than making him wait.
I personally find that saying very antiquated and inaccurate in most situations these days.
 

trouts mom

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It so depends on the couple.

Some people are happy just being together and in love and not being married.

Others want to get married so that everything is official in the legal sense and spiritual sense as well.

I cannot WAIT to marry Josh..I can't believe I have to even wait a year!
For everyone it is different, but for us it was obvious for both of us that marriage is definate. (I should mention that we are 'waiting' to move in together until we are married)

You're still very young too, there really is no rush..as long as you know he is feeling the way you do about being in it for the long haul.
 
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