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Can I ask for some advice?

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
Hey everyone. I have a huge problem. im warning you that this is probably going to be pretty long.

I have been with the same guy for 5 years. i met him in school when i was 16. i fell in love with him right away... & weve been together ever since. our relationship has not always been the best. we started having trust issues, which i kno is never good for a relationship. my family wanted me to leave him, but i couldnt do it, i loved him too much. i lost alot of friends and family for him & i have always done everything i could to make him happy. i am a good girlfriend. some of you may remember back in january i started a thread about me getting hit by a truck. i have been recovering pretty well... very well actually for the injuries that i had. i have been going to physical therapy twice a week for a couple of months, and at one point this guy came up to me && started talking to me. we talk when he is there, on thursdays. nothing that my boyfriend should have to worry about. well my boyfriend found out about it & is really mad. really mad. he HATES it when i talk to guys he KNOWS, so of course he isnt going to like me talking to someone he doesnt know. i know i know, this is not healthy. & usually, the accuser is guilty of something. but all things aside, weve been through things like this, most of the time he is the one that is wrong, not me. but it always blows over, & we stop fighting about it. but this, this is something that made him snap. & now he wants me to leave.

now if i leave, im really worried about monster. back in the fall i had to move in with my brother, & of course i would never leave him behind. while i was there he was a totally different cat. this house is all he has ever known. since he was 4 weeks old. he is such a friendly cat, if a stranger comes in the house he is the first one there to check them out. when i was staying with my brother, he hissed at EVERYONE, except me. that isnt how he normally behaves. i know it was bc he was stressed out from the move & being in a strange place with strange people. if i leave, we will go to my moms. bc my mom has a cat, who is really mean to other animals, monster will have to always stay in my room. its big, but i dont like the idea of having to keep him in there all the time. & the worst, is that i will have to separate monster from mittens. she will have to stay. i cant take them both. im really worried about monster if i move. i could leave him behind, everyone here loves him, but i couldnt do that. i raised him, and i cant part with him.

WHAT should i do??? i really dont know. ive been trying to reason with my boyfriend about this but he isnt budging. the way he is acting is like he is really done with me, & i have no clue if i should keep trying, or if i should give up and leave. his aunt was telling me earlier that it isnt worth it. why bother, when if he does forgive me for something stupid that i did, our relationship will still not get better. but i just feel like if i leave im leaving a part of me behind, & i dont think i will be happy. but in my heart, i know things wont change. he will still be controlling, & he will still continue to do whatever he wants, & not care what i think about it. but i love him, & my heart is torn.
post #2 of 14
ok, my opinion - you should leave. Monster will eventually adjust to a new place - get some feliway to help him. but this relationship does not sound good to me...

post #3 of 14
When you leave you will leave the sad you behind, which is good. I know that you cant take both cats, but to be honest, there is no future in this relationship. I know its hard, you dont know what you did wrong, you want to make this broken relationship work when its never going to be happy.

You will be sad and angry for a little while, but you will become a better person once you realise you are free and be able to talk to whom ever you want!

Hang in there
post #4 of 14

I think it's time to move on. Whether you try to appease him or not, you'll probably need to talk to males at some point in your life and your boyfriend is being completely irrational. And without knowing all of the details of your relationship... even if one of you slipped up in the past, the relationship will not function if one or the other refuses to forgive and work on building up trust. You're absolutely right that it's not healthy- for either one of you.

I know it's difficult, because maybe he's your first love and 5 years is quite a long time. It's one thing to know you ought to leave, and another to actually do it.

(I had a boyfriend for 3.5 years, and my friends and family all thought I should leave him... even I thought I should leave him, but I did not. He would get into moods and break up with me, and I always took him back. After one of those breakups, I decided I had had enough and started going out with this hot, smart, funny, nice guy I had met in class. Now, I can't remember why I was with my ex for so long!)

Anyway, my point is... you deserve to be happy too. A relationship is supposed to make you feel good, not sad or guilty. People can tell you you ought to leave until they're blue in the face, but you've really got to make that decision for yourself.

I think Monster will be OK if you take him to live in your big room at home. I think I remember reading threads where he would carry your shirts around in his mouth when you were in the hospital. (Am I making up stories, or did I read that?) If he's bonded to you that strongly, I think he will probably be happier living with you in your bedroom than living in a bigger place without you.

post #5 of 14
OMG! Get out of there! The guy sounds like a possessive, abusive and controlling jerk!

Reasoning with him? You aren't reasoning with him. You are begging!

I can't believe you are begging that jerk to let you stay so he can keep mistreating you!! I have news for you. That's just what he wants: you to beg him to keep you. It's just another controlling tactic and further sets the tone of how he has your permission to mistreat you.

Take your cats and get out while you still have some self esteem left.

No one deserves to be treated the way he's been treating you. Sure now he yells, but in time he will start to beat on you...guarenteed!

He is so jealous that you can't talk to guys. He has succeeded in isolating you from your friends and family. You jump through hoops to try and make him happy, but it's never good enough.

*grabs you by the shoulders and gives you a good shake*

Wake up! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living with constant fear of displeasing him or getting caught talking to someone?

Relationships are a partnership. There is trust, and love and understanding and compassion and working together to make one another happy. Your relationship is one sided.

Get out of there and go and stay with a friend or your brother. And don't make the stupid mistake that many abused women make of believing he's sorry and that it won't happen again and that he will change etc etc etc. Because it won't happen. An abuser will lie and say anything to get you to go back.

How do I know this? Because I was in an abusive relationship for years. And I got out in time before he killed me. I still have self esteem issues to this day because of it. I went back to him several times based on his promises, which he never kept. Sure, things were good for a little while. That's called the "honeymoon stage" but eventually it slides back into the same old pattern again.

After I got out and got some psychological help, I started to counsel abused women, and I've seen your situation dozens of times. Don't fool yourself into thinking you aren't abused because he doesn't beat you up. There are many types of abuse: psychological, mental, physical, emotional... it's all abuse and it's all wrong!
post #6 of 14
Thread Starter 
wow i am mad! i just wrote a long post in response to all of your posts, & it didnt post! i have to get off the computer, so i cant write it again, but if i get a chance later ill write it again or tomorrow...
post #7 of 14
I can only echo what everyone else has said. I seriously doubt you're going to get any response except to leave. Cut your losses and leave. His behavior will not get better, in fact I guarantee you that it will only escalate as time goes on.

You said you're a good girlfriend, and I'm sure it's true. You deserve a good boyfriend, and it doesn't sound like you have that.
post #8 of 14
Out, out, out, out, out, out and did I mention...........out?!?!?!
post #9 of 14
I agree with everyone - LEAVE.

Hon, relationship is about compromise and communication and it goes BOTH WAYS. You deserve someone better; someone will stand by you, respect you & make you happy.

As for Monster, get some feliway and/or rescue remedy spray. He will be stress from the move but give him time and he should be fine.

Hang in there!
post #10 of 14
Life is too short to be miserable.
post #11 of 14
leave for sure!!! The cats will get use to it and your well being is important!!! This guy sounds like a crazy who likes things his way or no way >.< you should have the right to talk to whom ever you want without having to explain yourself!!
post #12 of 14
I agree, leave him. Get out of there. There are so many red flags that say get out! I will touch on just one the trust issues - esp that that go on for years and are that extreme, not healthy. That is very controlling not allowing you to talk to other men, you are person, an individual that should be able to live their life happily and not in fear of simply talking to people! About half the people in the world are male. He shouldn't own you or control you in this way. Glad you see this, now the best step is to find within yourself why you ever thought this was workable in a relationship (finding a great therapist could help) and don't repeat the process with a new guy!
post #13 of 14
Thread Starter 
Thank you everybody for your words. Im sorry it took so long for me to respond. i tried to the night i wrote that, but i wrote a huge post & went to post it & it didnt.

I think Monster will be OK if you take him to live in your big room at home. I think I remember reading threads where he would carry your shirts around in his mouth when you were in the hospital. (Am I making up stories, or did I read that?) If he's bonded to you that strongly, I think he will probably be happier living with you in your bedroom than living in a bigger place without you.
Yes, you read that. someone on here suggested i give Mike a shirt that i had worn, to give to him. i did that, & he carried it around. also, i was told that for the first, like, four days after my accident, he wouldnt eat.

You guys are right. i had called my mom and told her that i was coming back to her house, and i made plans to move in on Saturday. i packed my things, Monsters litterbox(they both use the same one [by choice] but he still has his own upstairs in my room). all but his food & treats, & a few toys. i also followed his mothers advice & stopped talking to him, i planned on keeping it that way for the rest of my time here. Well, two days after i wrote that post, he came to me. he wanted to work things out. i told him my take, & how i was sick of living like a hermit. and how i was sick of him always going out and never letting me go with him. i also told him that i was sick of him not wanting me to go out with my friend Sarah, because he doesnt like her. i met her thru him. so i gave him an ultimatum. If he wanted me back, then things were going to be about BOTH of us, not just him. i told him that, if he wanted me to stay things were going to have to start being 50/50 and less controlling (i also said that he HAD to start letting me chill with Sarah), or i was leaving, no questions asked. i also said, that things were to stay that way, not just last for a week and go back to the way they always were. bc if it goes back to the way it was, then im going to leave in the blink of an eye, with no time for him to try to change my mind. he agreed, and since, things have been wonderful. the way they used to be when i met him & started dating him. im thinking they will stay that way, but im not gunna deny the fact that they can go back to the way they were before. if they do, then i am definately leaving, no doubt about it. and he is being true to his word as well, because him and Sarah picked me up from work last night and we all hung out until she had to go home (she has a curfew bc her mom dont want her in and out after she goes to bed). and we plan on hanging out alot from now on. i take your advice seriously, or else i wouldnt ask for it, & you all confirmed what i already thought i had to do. but i told myself that if he wanted me to stay, then i was not going to unless he agreed to my ultimatum. and i pledged to myself that i would stick to my choice to leave if he changed back.
post #14 of 14
Originally Posted by AlleyGirl View Post
Life is too short to be miserable.
So simple and so true. It amazes me how people can stay in situations that make them unhappy. Life is WAY too short. Think about it
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