Decisions (long)

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. The 40s can be a challenging time in the best of marriages with most women going through the perimenopause stage and when you're under a lot of stress it can amplify the symptoms. My dh and I went through this. I didn't know about the perimenopause stage and that it can last 10 years. I was a pain to live with and didn't realize it until we started having problems and started talking about it more. I didn't know why I wasn't my old self until I started reading up on the subject. On top of it, my adrenals are shot which makes my stress tolerance low and my energy level low and my symptoms worse.
Maybe you're going through it and he senses the change in you, but doesn't realize what's going on and interprets it as something else. There's a book called 'What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Perimenopause' if you want to learn more about it. I'm glad I did. It affects every woman differntly. Some breeze right through it, others struggle through it. Stress like you're going through can make it worse.
Have you considered counseling to help get to the bottom of things without it escalating into a fight? I hate to see a marriage end without giving it every chance to work.
I wish you the best and hope that things work out for you in the long run, whichever way it goes.

Cindy, I simply do not accept this. You cannot just plan your escape without saying ANYTHING! If it is too painful to talk, WRITE! Hand him a letter. SOMETHING.

Dang girl - Bill loves you!!!! Something didn't just change "SNAP" in a few weeks! What you've said is going on is obviously painful and uncomfortable, but Cindy, 12 years with Bill gone - just like that? This is the time to FIGHT all of those defenses that are hammering away at you. I don't know Bill's background, but there may be SO MANY reasons he's clammed up. Please don't let him go without a fight!

Bill might not have said anything about your crying because of Mark. He might have felt you needed to be alone. Maybe he got some bad news about himself medically or something, and he's trying to "spare" you the hurt by pushing you away. A million reasons are flooding to my mind, I just don't know the circumstances well enough. I just know that what we've heard here is that he loves you and you love him, and whatever weirdness going on right now has a reason that MOST LIKELY is so fixable!!!!

But you can't fix it if you don't try.

So if saying something is too difficult, sit down and write a letter. Tell him how much you love him and how painful this is. Make it three sentences.

Dear Bill,

I love you very much. I don't know what went wrong, but this is very painful. I don't want to hear that you don't love me anymore, just let me know if I should leave or if there is someplace we can start to fix this problem.

START SOMEWHERE.


But as you so know, you have to make yourself vulnerable when you are in love. To make it work can be very painful. But that man worshipped the ground you walked on, and it didn't just go away. There is something else going on. Please don't just plan your escape!

I am so, so, so, so, so sorry, Cindy. I don't mean to be all bossy and opinionated. I certainly don't know enough to tell you what to do. I just know this is too strange, and it seemed like you had such a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I know there has been a lot of hurt in your life, and it is because of that that I am afraid that your defenses have shot up, and I just want to make sure you see that, so that you can make the conscious decision to leave them there and make your plans, or fight them and face the pain of trying to communicate with him, whether in writing or talking. What you had was so wonderful - isn't it worth facing the pain of attempting to find out what's up? How can that be worse than the pain of just leaving - and having to start over again?

But like I said, I just don't know enough to know if that is the case. I'll repeat myself though - what you had seemed so incredible, and from what I heard it sounds like it's worth more pain to find out what happened before just leaving.

Cindy, my heart aches for you. I wish I could give you a giant huge hug, and then smack both you and Bill on the head.

There seems to be a bit of confusion.

Bill and I aren't married and we've been together for 20 months.

Almost two years ago, I came home from work, to find that my husband, of 12 years, had deserted me. He took off with a "friend" of ours, who he'd been chatting on the Internet with. You can see why I have trust and abandonment issues.

I don't know how this is going to work out. Maybe writing a letter is the way to go. When I try to talk, I cry and become incoherent.

Laurie is wise beyond her years. Cindy, write a letter to him. Maybe write two....one for yourself to get all your emotions straight, and one to give him. Laurie is also right, what you two have is something that doesn't happen every day. You said yourself that you DO love him, so don't just walk away without a fight. There are a ton of things that could be going on with him, it could be as simple as miscommunication. Maybe he thinks you are mad at him because you haven't been sleeping with him anymore, but he doesn't know what HE did wrong. The only way to find out is to communicate again. If you can't talk, write. Hand him the note and see what happens.

Dear Cindy,
I am so sad to read about your problems. Sadly I can´t offer you any help except for beeing here. I have been on this board regularily for such a short time, but I have had the feeling that you are a strong, loving woman.
I think the idea of writing a letter is a good idea, both for Bill and for yourself. Some years ago when I was going through a very hard time in a breakup, I wrote a diary, just everythin I was feeling, and made me see things clearer.
The others are so right - don´t quit without a fight for your lives together!
I am sending you the biggest hug a can and hope times will get better soon.
Sesselja

Cindy,

I am praying for you and Bill. I know from what you've said that you've been through a lot, and I pray that you don't have to go through any more pain, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Please don't give up! I'll agree with everyone here and say that communication is important, but whatever you do decide to do.. I and everyone else here will be behind you and we'll support you.


*HUGS*

I am still praying things will work out....is there any change? I think writing a letter is a good idea..I do that sometimes when I am so angry and frustrated I can't say what I feel without saying all the wrong things.

OK, I did it - wrote a letter and left it, for him. When I got home, yesterday, we finally talked.

He thought that I was mad at him and I thought that he was mad at me. He didn't realize, that he had shoved me out of bed. It seems that he hasn't been sleeping well and has been having bad dreams. I can sympathize - I have nightmares and have been known to thump on him, in my sleep.

Things are bad, at work, too. Bill is having to do his job and a lot of other people's, as well. He hasn't had a raise, in nearly 5 years and, at 58, looking for a new job isn't feasible. Besides, he's not 100% vested, in his 401(K), yet. The company has quit contributing to that, too. He'll be vested, soon though and he's going to do something with that.

Anyway, I'm off of the couch and back in bed. The few times, that I did wake up last night, Bill's arms were around me. I'm pretty sure that HE slept pretty well.

I want to thank everyone, for your support. I was getting pretty frazzled, there.

I'm very late on this thread, and I'm sorry Cindy. I'm sorry that you were having such a hard time, but thats great news that you and Bill got to talk! I'm happy for you.

I hope your son finds what he needs thru his rehabilitation, and that eventually he can re-enter society and be healthy and happy. Stay strong!

Cindy, I can't tell you how happy I am for you that you and Bill finally talked and worked some things out!! That's great news!! Best of luck. And I hope your son is doing well, too.

Cindy sweetie - I'm SO glad you guys finally talked. Making up is the best, huh?

Seriously, with all the other things going on in your life at the moment, you need some kind of stability.

I'm so please for you.

cindy - i am so glad you two talked! and glad he opened up to you. it's good to know he gets scared, too isn't it? i hope that makes it easier for you to approach him in the future.

my prayer for him is that his company will recognize his value to them and reward him for it generously.

all the best to you and bill.

I am so happy for the two of you! Hang on to that man!And remember keep the line' open! Best of luck! God bless!

Cindy - you just brought tears to my eyes! I am so happy everything got sorted out! This really shows how important communication is to a relationship!

Thank goodness!!!! I am so happy to hear that this story has a wonderful ending.

((HUGS))

Making up was fun and that queen-sized bed sure beats the couch! Besides, I think that Opie was put out, by my sleeping on HIS couch!

Cindy, can I say YAY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!!!!

Ooops! I totally forgot you two aren't married . I guess I just always felt like that because you've made the same commitment. It's a legal technicality that I don't care about one way or the other. And as for the amount of time.... I didn't have a clue how long you've been together, and I obviously misunderstood one of your posts. I thought you meant your defenses had been down for 12 years, which, to me meant you'd been with Bill that long. BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS. You made up and that is soooooooo great.

YAY!!!!!

Cindy, I am SO happy for you!!! I kinda had a feeling it was miscommunication - he didn't know why you weren't sleeping with him, you didn't know why he didn't want you to sleep with him. Regardless, I'm so happy you finally talked about it and worked things out. You two seem so wonderful together, and so supportive of each other in everything.

Thank Goodness! I'm glad things are going better for you, Cindy, and that you decided to write the letter! Enjoy the making up! You're right, it can definitely be fun!

Whew... disaster averted. Now the kitties will still have both parents, YAY! I'm so happy to hear this!!!