needing constructive advice

so i have a issue, a couple. i have suffered from mental illness sience i was a young girl, at the age of 18 i started to cut two days later i put my self in the hospital and was there for a year and three months. i am now 25 and sience i was 18 my cutting has gotten extream. my arms are covered in scars and last october till feburary i was on a every day cutting habit till i put my self back in the hospital. i was there for a month and almost got sent to a state hospital which is long term. i got out two months ago and am wondering what to do because my psychitrist said if i start cutting again then i will be sent to state. the thing is to stop cuting its not easy. i dont think i can just stop like that. and having to hid it if i do will make it worse because i cant talk about it. can any one help me figure this out please.

I don't know much about this issue except that my office manager does that too, and has scars all over her arms and legs, but she has slowed up on it, only has happened twice in the last 2 years under extreme frustration and sadness. She has come a long way personally, she went from being a technician to a manager so I think in that way she feels better about herself and therefore doesn't do it as much. Is there a goal or hobby you can set for yourself, to feel better about yourself? Maybe that would help? I wish you well, and hope you get the help/advice you need.

I am sorry you have gone through this and I wanted to send you a (((hug))).

I would be honest with your doctor if you are still cutting. If you keep it to yourself they will find out and just not trust what you tell them in future.

Is there no other options apart from hospital available to you? I`m in the UK so thing are probably different here but I went to live at a kind of 'mental health rehab' for a year after getting out of hospital. Is there anything like that where you are?

the thing is it is so strong that some times nothing else settles it, im what they would call a extream cutter. i cut deep and with razors. its very difficult for me to make the choice not to do it but i dont feel that earns me a long time in a state hospital. orange c ounty state hospital was shutt down for raping there patients so im not a willing participint if this discion is made.

Not knowing what the system is there makes it hard for me to comment. Here you are allocated a community mental health nurse or social worker as well as a psychiatrist. They are your main point of contact and can speak on your behalf and find out what is available to you. Do you have someone like that?

Do you know WHY you cut? Is it anger? Sadness? Just to feel SOMETHING? What alternatives to blades have to tried?

It seems a little counter productive of your therapist to essentially threaten you with state hospitalization. I wish I had an answer for you... I used to cut when I was a teenager but never severely so for me, stopping wasn't as hard as I imagine it would be for you. Like comparing someone who smokes 2 cigarettes a day to someone with a 2 pack a day habit.

Oh dear I'm so sorry.

In my honest opinion I don't think habbits like that can be stopped until you get to the bottom of whatever is causing the pain. For me I was very obsessive compulsive about everything. I couldn't eat anything unless there was an odd number of whatever it was I was eating. I couldn't stand even numbers. I started going to counseling again and got so much help from the counselor and a book. I was sexually abused as a child and that's what my problem was. It didn't matter how much I wanted to change my life, I couldn't until I dealt with my past. My suggestion is to figure out what you need to deal with and accept in your life. I know you are getting help right now, but I think it would help to go to someone that does more than work mostly with meds and solving problems that way.

Some people don't remember really truamatic things because they just plain don't want to. The human mind is amazing. I didn't remember my past abuse until I was 18 and the last time that it had happened was at 13 years and younger.

Good luck, and know that I'm always here to lend an ear.

i also see a theripist but the thing with my cutting and i hate saying it i feel like a freak because of it is it is attractive to me i enjoy it not sexualy or any thing but it keeps me busy and fasinated. i feel like a freak. i love being alive and free but i also love cutting and i dont know what to do because i feel like it is taking over. my mom thinks im possessed maybe shes right im starting to think she is.

No, I dont believe you are posessed. At all.

I agree that the most likely cause is something buried deep that happened a long time ago, something that deeply affected you on a very basic level. I do have a few friends who do that here, and while it is not to the same level at all (thankfully no scars as of yet) we are all trying to help support them too, and help them through it.

I am not an expert on the subject at all, In fact have very little experience at all, but possibly try every time you feel like cutting, do something else positive, that will keep your mind and body very busy, so you will not have time to even think about it. Possibly trying getting into music (like drumming or guitar-both keep you VERY busy). Keep in mind though that you will probably still have to get down to the deeper issue to solve it, this will probably be a temporary solution only.

Just my two cents worth, I basically know nothing on the subject at all, but that is what comes to mind when I try to think of what I would try if it were me...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any personal experience, but you might try joining this forum http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/forums.html
It's a pretty good one, and I'm sure there are people reading it who can relate and be able to give you some advice and support.

Or maybe google for forums dealing with cutting.

that you are able to find some help in getting this under control.

You have started an open conversation about it here so I will guess that you really need to talk to somebodyabout it in the worst way. In your heart, you know this. You've been honest about some things with us, & should start being honest with others & start answering some deep questions, like why do you enjoy it? And where is the pain coming from?
At some point you have to let go & find someone to trust. Is there a different doctor you could go to? Judging from what your Mom told you, blowing it off as "being possessed" is not the answer, it sounds like a cop-out on her part. Believe me, we all have our demons. And alot of us try to quiet these demons in some of the worst ways & alot of us (including me) are too stubborn to seek help. So we continue to hate ourselves for no rational reason & hurt ourselves in a variety of ways.
You are already halfway to getting help, you have some resources at hand, try taking more control over your treatment options, get more opinions.
I hope you are ok, I once worked with a guy who burned his hands with cigarettes & it was an upsetting thing to see. And be cautious about what meds they want to put you on-do your research.

Originally Posted by church11

i also see a theripist but the thing with my cutting and i hate saying it i feel like a freak because of it is it is attractive to me i enjoy it not sexualy or any thing but it keeps me busy and fasinated. i feel like a freak. i love being alive and free but i also love cutting and i dont know what to do because i feel like it is taking over. my mom thinks im possessed maybe shes right im starting to think she is.

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That's exactly how most cutters see it. So no, you aren't a freak and you aren't possessed

Are you seeing someone who is a specialist in cutting? Maybe that should be your next step.

Also, we're all proud of you for looking for help!

im scared to talk to any doctors about it or call help lines because im afraid they will put me away.there already threating me with state hospital which wont help. all they do is dope you up on drugs. but im worried for my self, i dont want to live like this forever. i try to talk to friends about it and nothing works. nothing at all it seems to me that they want nothing to do with me. like i am bothersome. i text my friend saying im having problems and they answer back. realy now whats wrong. i dont know what to do any more. just talking about it on here is making me feel like im bothering people.

I am glad that you are here on TCS and I see that you are new. This is a great place for support.

There are programs for cutters. I found a few in Google - this was the top one:

http://www.golivewire.com/forums/gro...n=group&id=415

My guess it that your psychiatrist says that you will go to a state institution if there is another instance is because you are a deep cutter and you may be close to killing yourself because of the deep cuts.

Is that an out-patient day clinic near you? Often times, insurance will pay for that especially if you have been hospitalized. Try to find one that is behavior-modification oriented and with others who are cutters. Trust me, finding cutters in a group this will be the least difficult part.

You really need a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. The therapist is more likely to deal with the day-to-day depression and is usually more accessible.

Lastly, is there some sort of a local almost free clinic near you? Your county may have one in which students studying for their masters do their required work for their credentials for free or a nominal fee. Sometimes there are nearby universities that run such clinics to help their students get accredited.

Feel free to PM me at any time.

Rosemary

Originally Posted by church11

im scared to talk to any doctors about it or call help lines because im afraid they will put me away.there already threating me with state hospital which wont help. all they do is dope you up on drugs. but im worried for my self, i dont want to live like this forever. i try to talk to friends about it and nothing works. nothing at all it seems to me that they want nothing to do with me. like i am bothersome. i text my friend saying im having problems and they answer back. realy now whats wrong. i dont know what to do any more. just talking about it on here is making me feel like im bothering people.

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Honey, believe me, you aren't bothing anyone! One of the many great things about the site is the support and the truely caring people here. And you are NOT a freak. I don't have any personal experience with this, but just the fact that I knew what you were talking about shows that it is coming more out in the open and you aren't alone.

I agree that talking about it here means you are ready to get to the bottom of it. And, you need to. Talking to us and to friends is fine, but we really don't know how to help you like you need to be helped. We'll listen as much as you want, but you need to find someone professional. I would tell your doctor the same thing you told us. That you don't want to live the rest of your life like this, but you don't want to go to the state hospital because drugging you up isn't going to help in the long run and you need to deal with whatever is causing you to do with face to face.

We're here for you whenever you need us.

I'm new, too, but can see how many lovely people there are on this forum and have great advice! The only thing I could add, I guess, is to procrastinate. And I don't know if you do personally, but instead of telling yourself not to cut, to never cut again, just procrastinate. Whenever something is strictly off limits, sometimes it makes us want to do it more, whether it's eating, drinking, taking drugs, cutting - any kinds of addiction or actions. Maybe do something else for awhile, like a chore that needs to be done: cleaning, shopping, etc.. You can always go back to it later. Nothing is going anywhere. Maybe you'll find yourself through certain particular moments that triggered your desire to cut. Of course this is just momentary, and I'm sorry to read about your struggle with finding help. Depression is a pro at convincing us we're bothersome and can stop us in our efforts to seek out help. Whatever emotions you have about your situation - anger, sadness - when we redirect them (not let them drag us down), they can propel us and motivate us in the search for help.

Good job in taking another step and asking for support.

Oh darlin, you couldn't possibly be bothering anyone here! I'm just so glad you found us and were brave enough to reach out!

You've already gotten some wonderful suggestions here. I especially agree that you need to see a different therapist -- preferably an actual psychiatrist, if one is available.

I know you're afraid to take action because they could hospitalize you...but this therapist doesn't seem to be doing you any good, so something has to change. You deserve to work with someone who can help you make real progress.

And for the record, hon -- you are not possessed (there's no such thing, anyway), and you are not a freak. You're a person with an illness, and you need and deserve to be cared for like anybody else who's ill.

I think the idea of taking on a project of some kind, like learning to play guitar or taking dance classes, is terrific! Not only would it keep you busy, but it would also allow you to discover new things about yourself... and maybe come to like yourself more.

I'm so glad you're here!