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What would you do?

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
May 5th I had to have my 18 year old long haired calico put to sleep. This past Saturday I adopted a wonderful young adult male kitty named Sammy (see him in my intro post).

Sunday, I go by my local petstore and they have....a long haired calico kitten. I fell head over heels in love with her, and two cats isn't any more difficult to keep than one. She's the calico in the first picture:

http://www.animalatlanta.com/kittenpage.htm

The problem is this. My long time boyfriend of 12 years (you may as well call us domestic partners) thinks we have enough pets. We've got a dog and a cat, and a menagerie of herps (geckos and ball pythons) as well as some pet rats.

I concocted a plan that backfired on me. I went by there, and paid for her and brought her home (he works second shift). I told him when he called me that Diamond (the dog) had found a kitten that looked like Chynna (the kitty we had PTS) and that I wanted to keep her. Figured I'd play on the "fate - it was meant to be" card. Figured it was better to ask forgiveness than permission.

He went "NO! Absolutely not! You don't know WHAT that kitten would bring into the house!". So...back to the pet store I went with her and told him that's where I'd take her. No refund. But I knew that was a risk I was taking.

Both Sammy and Diamond loved her and all three got along (for the hour she was at the house).

So, my heart has been aching - and I call the petstore and they'll hold her today for me if I decide to come back and get her.

I talk to him this morning and ask him to just hear me out - how I normally wouldn't be pushing the issue, if it were any other kitten that didn't look like Chynna, I wouldn't keep pressing the issue. He got mad and said "do what you do - this is YOUR apartment anyway, your name is on the lease - do what you do - get the cat!"

But I know that he's super upset. I feel like he'd love her, but probably remain mad and harbor some resentment.

Am I being selfish? Would you get her anyway? I know I'm asking a bunch of cat lovers what they'd do - but really - what would you do? Love the kitty you have and not get the second? Or go ahead and get her?

I don't want to disrespect him - we really do have a great relationship or we wouldn't be together all these years. I know ultimately I'm the only one who knows what I should do - but I would like some thoughts from the members here. Maybe even someone to knock some sense into me.

Financially, no problems with a second cat. Spacewise - we're in a one bedroom apartment. At one time we DID have three cats and a dog (I had the cats before we met).

Should I get her for a trial period and if he still feels strongly after a week that he doesn't want her, take her back? They do have another gal who's been coming to the store every single day to see her and trying to decide if she wants her. I could even get her name and offer her to her. Although I feel like once he gets to know her, he'll fall for her too.

I'm torn apart inside, my heart says to get her, but my head says - is this the right decision?
_________________
Robin
post #2 of 22
It may be that he isn't ready for another cat, especially one who looks like the one you just lost. We lost one of our cats in December, and I've kind of put it out there that I'd like to have a 3rd cat again sometime. My husband is definitely not ready, I could tell by the definite no-way answer I got. I'm not going to push it, we still have 2 cats we dearly love, and when he's ready I'll know.
post #3 of 22
What I would do is keep her, lol. But you have to consider his feelings, too. I have always told my boyfirend that I will always have a calico, no matter what, as they are my favorite. So if Smudge goes, I will be getting another one in a matter of time. He's prepared, I can only hope she doesn't go any time soon (she's 10) because I don't really want another cat until we're down to 2. That may sound bad, but after having 5-7 cats for the past 12 years, I decided I want to limit it to 2-3. But I'm keeping the 5 we have now, for the rest of their lives, so I have to wait to get a new one, for probably many years. My cats range from 3-13, with only 2 being geriatric in age. I understand you wanting to get another like your first. I will always have a Smudge in my life.
post #4 of 22
I think you should try to convince him to let her stay with you.
post #5 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by littleraven7726 View Post
It may be that he isn't ready for another cat, especially one who looks like the one you just lost. We lost one of our cats in December, and I've kind of put it out there that I'd like to have a 3rd cat again sometime. My husband is definitely not ready, I could tell by the definite no-way answer I got. I'm not going to push it, we still have 2 cats we dearly love, and when he's ready I'll know.
He reluctantly agreed to Sammy, and he really likes him a lot already (in less than a week). And I really think it's the issue of the "zoo" more than anything else.

I'm still on the fence. I'm less sad this afternoon than I was this morning, because now I know if I absolutely must, I can get her. But now that it's not a matter of a solid no - I'm more torn about the right decision.

I adore Sammy - I don't want to make him feel he's been pushed aside for a new kitty as he's settling in, but he was also fostered with a lot of other cats and apparently really loved their company.

Man I hate guilt!
post #6 of 22
I would get her unless you feel that it would cause a serious problem in your relationship. I would think that now would be the perfect time to introduce a new kitten to the new kitty- he's in a new environment so would be more willing to accept her and they could be buddies and play with eachother and keep themselves company. Besides, everyone has more than one cat!
post #7 of 22
I'd come clean. It seems as though his biggest concern is what kind of disease a "stray" cat could bring home to the other pets and reasonably so. You've already made the non-refundable payment for her. Just tell him that you miss Chynna and when you saw this little girl at the store you felt you had to have her. I personally think you may have not given him enough credit. I wonder if he wouldn't have been more understanding than you thought given the circumstances.
post #8 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by MonaxLisa View Post
I would get her unless you feel that it would cause a serious problem in your relationship. I would think that now would be the perfect time to introduce a new kitten to the new kitty- he's in a new environment so would be more willing to accept her and they could be buddies and play with eachother and keep themselves company. Besides, everyone has more than one cat!
I could not agree more with the above.

Unless you live someplace really small, or you are struggling to afford the pets you have, I don't see how adding one cat is going to make any difference.
I live in a 28 foot travel trailer with a dog, a cat, a parrot, a tarantula, a fish tank, and I'm fostering three kittens, one of which I'll be keeping.

Most cats are happier with another cat around, especially if they are young cats.
My cat is old, but she's always had other cats around, and wasn't adjusting well to being an only cat, which is what prompted me to catch and foster these feral kits.
post #9 of 22
Thread Starter 
OK - we've sort of come to an agreement. I am going to pick her up this afternoon. If he still feels strongly enough that we shouldn't keep her, enough so that it would put a rift in the relationship, then I'll take her back on Sunday. This gives him time to get to know her. Sammy won him over very quickly, I think this girl will too.

I haven't told him this, but I'm going to "try" to stay off the computer so much in the evenings and actually get more done around the house (that's part of his issue is how crowded it is and I really need to get off my duff and do some spring cleaning anyway and throwing some things out will go a long way to help - I'm just world's worst procrastinator). He was raised military, I've always been happy with comfortably cluttered. He's happiest when things are orderly.

So - I've called the petshop - and they are expecting me this afternoon. I do think he'll love her once he spends some time with her.
post #10 of 22
I would get her. I picked my Meeko when Stripe was dying and she looks alot like her and acts like she did.
post #11 of 22
In this case, I would NOT bring in the kitten. You were not fair at all in what you did. He's not ready (especially for a look a like) and you need to respect that.

Drop the subject of another kitten for awhile. Maybe in a few months he will change his mind. But it should be BOTH of you go to adopt another one if that's what you both agree on. Guys hate it when you go behind their backs and do something knowing they are not in agreement. Its not respectful to each other.

DH knew I wanted a 2nd Ocicat. He balked for a long time (we want to travel when I retire and he doesn't want a lot of pets to worry about). So I told him that I would put an "ocicat" on my Christmas list till he gave in. But it was kinda agreed on - just a matter of when.

I contacted a breeder who I liked her cats (type, color) and put an order in for an Oci NEXT year. Then told DH about it. He didn't say much, but I stressed that I was not planning on getting one till next year - no rush. All he asked me was "did you ask for pet or show?". Then on Valentine's Day (our anniversary) he told me at the end of the day;
"you know I didn't OK the 2nd Oci yet". I replied "but you didn't say I couldn't have him either ". Then he said "ok, I'll make a deal with you - you can have the Oci if you sign Keno (our lab) up for agility lessons this summer.

Jack is on order, Keno is doing agility again, and we both are happy
post #12 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by rabernet View Post
He reluctantly agreed to Sammy, and he really likes him a lot already (in less than a week). And I really think it's the issue of the "zoo" more than anything else.
Let us know how it goes! I have the same problem with my boyfriend.
Two turtles, 1 lizard, a crab, and 1 cat in a one-bedroom. In our case, the problem is less clutter and more that I travel for work/school. When I'm gone, he takes care of the animals.
post #13 of 22
Good Luck
post #14 of 22
How did he feel about Chynna?

Guys are bad about not wanting to show their feelings, and he may be reluctant to get emotionally involved in another animal.

But if the kitten motivates you to improve his living conditions, he may see that as a valid trade.
post #15 of 22
If it's a pet shop cat, and not one being adopted through a shelter it could be very sick just like a stray - you won't know what diseases it potentially has as these kittens don't come from good places, they aren't health checked/vaccinated/neutered and are taken from mum and siblings far too soon.
post #16 of 22
Personal opinion, I think both parties should be on board before bringing on another pet or any pet in the household, esp one that can live for 20 years and shares the same living space like pet dogs and cats do. It is only fair to the new pet and the individuals involved.
Be honest, be open, have a heart to heart talk with this person, communication is the best key.

None of us here are in you guys personal relationship, we don't know your finances, living situation, the other side of the story, etc. we know very little and our opinions are not near as important as the person living with you Only that person and you together can give you your answer that will work best for your relationship. You are probably still grieving over your loss. I am sorry for your loss

Buying a cat at a petstore is one of the worst places in the world to get your cat/kitten just so you know. Regardless of where they say they got the kittens.
post #17 of 22
I had a similar situation happen to me years ago where my exhusband said no to a loving kitten that found me. I brought her in and promised her I would give her a loving home for the rest of her life and I did. She was a very special cat that lived with me for 17 1/2 years. . I really dislike the word no when it comes to giving a special kitty a good home.

I am really happy I fought for her to stay in my life because she was such a special cat that was very bonded to me and I loved her very much. It is almost time to put her memorial in the RB section. It has been almost 2 years June 20th since she passed on.
post #18 of 22
Thread Starter 
We did have a heart to heart, and he apologized for being grumpy, I caught him before he had his morning coffee. He agreed to letting her come home Thursday after I got off of work, and I heard him exclaim when he saw her "you're so tiny and awfully cute!"

By the time he left for work yesterday, he called me (I work 6-4, he works 2:30 to 11:30) and said that her name was to be Alexis and we'd call her Lexi. He admonished me to be sure that I say her name to her a lot so she'd learn it - and she has already become a Daddy's girl. He even got off work early so that he could get home to her.

I posted her in the introduction forum, but since I see there has been more feedback here - I thought I'd update here too.

She was taken immediately to my vet who examined her for free and proclaimed her healthy and VERY cute! She's been started on her vaccinations.

I was also instructed by Karl to get her a collar, that I call her Princess Alexis collar - but she'll have to grow into it.

I even woke up this morning to him playing with her in bed (at 6 in the morning) and him telling me to be careful not to squish the baby.

Now I'm up and he's happily snoring! LOL







post #19 of 22
Oh what a cutie pie. I would not have been able to resist myself.
Your bf sounds like a sweetheart. Losing a pet hurts and sometimes people show it in different ways.
My father is one of those gruff types but growing up when I had to put my bunny to sleep I know I saw a tear in his eye. He used to go outside and have his coffee and talk to the bunny. He admitted much later that he missed him.
Maybe he was just scared.
No matter now he is intent on spoiling her rotten.
post #20 of 22
You say in your original post that you dont want to "disrespect him", but you lied to him from the get-go. So isn't that being disrespectful?

My opinion, since you asked, it's my apartment, my name on the lease, and it's my call. I'm sorry to be old fashioned, but unless you are married to me, I maintain the right to make my own decisions on who and what will live in my home. And that includes you, Buster.

Life is too short to deny oneself the happiness this new kitty apparently will bring into it.

For me...................a no-brainer.
post #21 of 22
Thread Starter 
Mz Kitty - you are correct, and as part of our talk, I did tell him the truth behind Lexie and we're all good now. Thanks for your concern.
post #22 of 22
What a cutie pie! I'm glad it's working out.

My hubby was stubborn when we adopted Stimpy. But Stimpy won him over, and he said "I guess 3 cats is ok". It helped that I agreed that Mike could name him.

Edit-Mike approved before we brought Stimps home
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