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Is it possible for someone to cause someone to drink?? - Page 2

post #31 of 50
First let me say I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I went through an abusive marriage and it took awhile for me to open my eyes to the fact that my ex had problems. I thought it was ALL me. His mother made me feel like it was my fault too.
Him saying he would take the kids is a load of bunk. He is threatening you to keep you in line so that his life is not disturbed. He has it the way he wants
it. Someone to take care of his house while he acts like a bachelor at night.

What you are describing is Domestic Violence. I know it feels weird to think it but it is. A relationship should add to your life not slowly kill you inside. I was there once myself. What you need to do is ask yourself if this is good enough for you. Would you want one of your kids to endure this type of relationship? They are learning how adults treat each other and their minds are being imprinted with what they see. They see a drunk Dad and a sad Mom.
Your life has shrunk so much, which abusers use to control their victims, that what they say to you actually makes sense to you. You have no life outside of your kids and your husband. You are actually thinking that his behavior is your fault. No way. He is choosing to behave this way. He is choosing to let his mother abuse you too. Put your foot down with her first. One day I just stopped talking to mine. I could not listen to another word that came out of her mouth. This changed the dynamic quickly. He didn't have a co-conspirator anymore. Any man that would let his mother treat the mother of his children that way is no man. He is still a boy. Men who abuse aren't men. They are cowards. People with addictions who don't get help are not capable of loving the people around them properly.

You question your own sanity because you are in a brain fog of depression which colors everything. You are also listening to the bullpucky he is feeding you. He has no answers to life. He finds his in a bottle.

I left my ex and I am so glad I did. I am back to being myself again. I look back and wonder why I thought he was worth all my hard work and time. He cheated on me and I had always said that that was my deal breaker but I was so beaten down I accepted it. Now I think about it and am shocked I didn't kick his lyin' behind out right then and there.
I notice in your posts that you bring up your past with a psychiatrist. That is your past and that is where it belongs. We have all had struggles or have things we aren't crazy about in our pasts. What matters is what is happening to you now.

Since he is not willing to get help things are not going to change. If you can get away for a weekend alone it will do wonders. You will begin to see the effect he is having on you. Once I realized that I did not love him anymore I was off and running. How could I love someone who treated me like dirt?

If ever you want to talk or a sounding board I am open to talking with you or just listening. Leave a message and I will answer.

Oh and if your MIL complains about your cleaning hand her a mop and a bucket and tell her to make sure she gets the corners clean.
post #32 of 50
I don't have anything else to add. Everyone else has said my thoughts, perfectly. & for you
post #33 of 50
When I first started reading this thread, I wanted most of all to lock your blasted mother-in-law out of the house... but now I just want YOU out of the house.

I can see no way in the world for this ever to be the right place for you or your kids. It doesn't sound as if there's really much of a relationship to salvage, even if salvage were possible. I have the greatest sympathy for alcoholics, but... my gosh, even if he got help with his drinking, it sounds as if this was not a good marriage in the first place.

If you decide to leave, you first need to document his behavior -- especially his drinking. Write down every incident you can think of, along with every threat from him or his mother... if there's physical evidence of any kind, keep it... save relevant voicemail messages... anything you can think of to show the court why he should not have custody of the kids.

Also, bear in mind: most men don't really want primary custody of their kids. They'll threaten to fight for it just to manipulate you into doing what they want -- but very few of them really want to take on that level of daily responsibility (especially if they aren't well-off). And although he might think he can take custody and then put the kids off on his mother, the court would have to find you, their mother, completely unfit to even consider such an arrangement.

So don't let their threats intimidate you! And don't let them trap you and your kids in an emotionally abusive situation. Maybe you can check around and see if there's a women's organization nearby where you could get some confidental legal and logistical counseling on how best to proceed... you might even find some free legal support.

It's not your fault, hon.
post #34 of 50
No, it's not your fault he's drinking. I've read every post in this thread so far, and I agree with a lot of the suggestions that have been mentioned. A lot of my thoughts have been said. I hope you work something out, and let us know what's going on. I haven't been in this situation, but if you want to just talk to someone, you can send me a PM.
post #35 of 50
Do these things right now.

1. Call the domestic abuse woman's shelter in your city (it in the yellow pages or online).

2. Contact a lawyer and file for temporary custody of the kids. If you file now, almost always you will get permanent custody.

3. Document the drinking, abuse, and the MIL abuse. Too bad you didn't record their threats.

The important thing is for you and the kids to get out of there now!
post #36 of 50
He will not get the Kids. My Step Sister has a Drinking Problem and she lost the Kids. She blames everyone else also. She can not see she is the one with the problem. You need to call a hotline for help.You need to leave him before he hurts you.
post #37 of 50

You are in an abusive relationship. You are jumping through hoops because he and his mom are saying everything is your fault! It isn't your fault! Get that out of your head immediately.

Frankly I think you need to take your children and leave the situation. File for legal separate and demand child support. If you can get him to leave the family home, that's best, but if he won't, then pack up your stuff and your kids and go and stay with family or friends, or go to a women's shelter where they will help you get welfare in place and find a new place to live.

All that is happening by you staying in that situation is that he's got an excuse to drink and his enabling mother has someone to rag on about it. You are getting depressed and upset and your self esteem is being beaten into the ground.

Stop trying to change who you are for the sake of a drunk and a meddling mother-in-law.
post #38 of 50
Everyone here has given you wonderful advice and all I can say is good luck and I hope you make the right decison for you and your little ones
post #39 of 50
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy View Post
Everyone here has given you wonderful advice and all I can say is good luck and I hope you make the right decison for you and your little ones

You and me both hon!! If I could predict the future this would be alot easier!
post #40 of 50
sweetie, I had my husband read part of this thread (he'll read it all later). His thoughts on it? Get yourself out and away from him....ASAP.
post #41 of 50
Thread Starter 
Oh man that came from a man huh?? .......
post #42 of 50
Originally Posted by glitch View Post
Oh man that came from a man huh?? .......

One who's been through heck and high water with me, but we both were willing to work on it, and through it.
post #43 of 50
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by KittenKrazy View Post
One who's been through heck and high water with me, but we both were willing to work on it, and through it.

I wish mine was more willing to work on things, it might work out better! However, its impossible for me to change him, and we all know if their momma wants them back they shall have them back! Ya cant fight the mamma, because they always win!
post #44 of 50
I am kittenkrazy's hubby What has been said by all is great advice.
I was crushed when I found out what was going on I cracked up. Get
some help and If he does not go to a marriage counselor. Get out before
someone hurt or hurts themselves. I know from trying had the gun not
jammed as I tried to pull the trigger.
Forgive me if come out as a little harsh but this is the woman I have loved for 19 years.
post #45 of 50
He is in complete control over lifting his arm and putting a bottle to his lips. No one can make him do that, but some people just need someone to blame it on.

If my MIL said those things to me, that would be the last straw. I would have to have DH take some serious action and talk to her. If it didn't stop, he would have to pick what side he wanted, as hard as that may be. Rob is also somewhat a momma's boy, IMO. And that gets hard sometimes too, when it seems like what I want is overruled by what she wants. I think that if you are in a relationship with someone, THEY are your number 1. So you should be the number 1 woman to your DH. He needs to work out problems with you one on one, NOT through his mother.

DH just asked me if I thought his mom would ever say stuff like that to me, and I said not really, but she DID say to someone once "Well, I couldnt pick my daughter in law, so I have to make due with what I've got." That could be taken in two different ways...
post #46 of 50
Originally Posted by glitch View Post
He has already told me if I leave he will take the kids, and his mommy backed him up saying that no matter how much money my family put in to help fight for the kids that they would put more money, and I would lose the children!

He doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore either... He says that it could cause his finger to be ripped off! Isn't that dumb??

I think I have lost some self esteem out of all this, the worst part is I can't understand myself why I stay! If this would have happened 5 years ago he would have been out the door! I have never taken so much crap from a guy, Ive always been treated like a princess, then he comes along and I can't seem to figure out why things changed and I changed too!

You have all been awesome, I KNOW what I need to do, now I just have to do it!
Him and his mother are full of crap! They can't take your children!!!!
99% of the time the children go to the mother.
The reason they're saying this is because he doesn't want to have to pay child support.. That's obvious anyways.. seeing as you guys got married so he wouldn't have to pay it in the first place. And his mother is backing him up because he's a "mama's boy" and she doesn't want to see her "baby" have to be responsible for HIS actions!

They're just trying to scare you and beat you down mentally/emotionally so that they can get you to do what they want you to do.
My 1st ex husband and his mom tried that too.. Guess what? It didn't work!
I'm sorry if I seem a bit harsh on this subject but I too have been through all of this.

The whole wedding band thing? It's a cop out!
They do it because they either have someone else (sorry to say) or just to get a rise out of you and upset you.

As far as not knowing why you stay? It's probably because of stability. If you're anything like I was you're scared of a change in your life or you're scared of not having that security of a family.
I know I was!
I'm so glad I did though.

I am living my life for ME and my BOYS!

You really should do some soul searching and evaluate your life.

Think of it this way, things couldn't get too much worse if you did leave him right?
post #47 of 50
i suffer from metal illness, and im also a cutter. my depression can get realy bad some times and i think that maybe you should think more about your self and what will make you happy then what will save the two of you. you dont need a man to be happy, you dont need him and your kids dont need the two of you two gether if you cant be ok.
post #48 of 50
What you are living with is abuse. Pure and simple. And this teaches your children to abuse. It can also teach your children to turn to alcohol to deal with problems. You need to kick him out of the house. I'm not sure of your state's laws, but I know in NJ and Florida that if YOU leave the house, you loose the right to fight for it. As for his mother, just toss her out on her a$$. Let her know you will not accept her abuse anymore.

And all this is easier said than done. I had to get out of an abusive relationship. I had some really good friends actually force me out of the apartment (they packed everything for me while I cried in the car) and stood in front of me when I confronted him. But I didn't have any kids to think about.

You need to do this for the kids, before they start imitating daddy. And before he starts taking his anger out on the kids. Because 9 out of 10 times, they're next.
post #49 of 50
Like every one else said, his drink is his problem. your MIL has no business in your marriage. I have been married for almost 29 years. Marriage is supposed to be a support system, He is supposed to lift you up, not tear you down. If I don't get to the laundry, one of the kids does or my Dh. You need to get away, give your self some time to think, about what is best for you and your kids. No one deserves to be abused.
post #50 of 50
glitch, you said in several posts that he's an alcoholic... if that's actually, the case, if he is able to stop drinking, he'll never be able to be a 'social drinker' - it's all or nothing.
you are not causing him to drink - it's an addiction that he's choosing to feed.
mom is being an enabler for him, backing him up. lots of parents think that is good parenting - it's not.
if he won't go for counseling, or admit he has a problem, there's really nothing you can do for him - you need to look out for yourself & the kids. it's not a healthy situation for any of you.
it's always possible that your departure will make the truth finally 'hit home' with him, & he'll be interested in changing. but until he's ready, there's nothing you can do to make him see the problem.

ETA: the only mother i know of who lost her kids in her divorce actually left her husband [& her kids] to marry another man. [this is my cousin.] it was considered abandonment.
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