Is it possible for someone to cause someone to drink??

dixie_darlin · Jun 4, 2008

*Takes a deep breath*
Ok I didn't read all of the posts but I can definatly relate to your situation.
My soon to be ex husband was the same way.
I would get blamed for his drinking by his mother ALL THE TIME!
No matter what, I couldn't make him happy.
Clean house, quiet kids, good job, money in the bank... you name it.. It didn't make him happy and I was the reason he drank.

I thought for the longest time that it was true too!

I know you're seeing a Dr and want him to see a marriage councilor but you can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Especially when he has an enabling family member like his mother.
I would suggest that you find a babysitter and take some time for yourself.. without your husband around and do some soul searching yourself.
I know you have children with him and will always have ties to him but you need to think of yourself and then the children.
I say yourself first because if your mind isn't straight then you won't be able to to cope with the situation for your kids.

I was in this SAME situation for 5 years and finally got out of it.
I am now a single working mom with a NICE car, NICE house, GOOD job (hot boyfriend

) and it's all because I got my mindset on the right track.

There isn't a thing you're thinking that I didn't about my husband's drinking.
I too had my soon to be ex DH come home with hickeys, without his wedding band and with a woman's phone # in his wallet.
I thought it was all my fault!
That the house wasn't clean enough, that I had let myself go, that maybe the kids were getting on his nerves... you name it, I thought it!

If you EVER need to talk, please PM me. I have been in your situation not too long ago and I am willing to help you with ANYTHING you need!

Heck, you can even call me!

gailc · Jun 4, 2008

Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin

*Takes a deep breath*
Ok I didn't read all of the posts but I can definatly relate to your situation.
My soon to be ex husband was the same way.
I would get blamed for his drinking by his mother ALL THE TIME!
No matter what, I couldn't make him happy.
Clean house, quiet kids, good job, money in the bank... you name it.. It didn't make him happy and I was the reason he drank.

I thought for the longest time that it was true too!

I know you're seeing a Dr and want him to see a marriage councilor but you can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Especially when he has an enabling family member like his mother.
I would suggest that you find a babysitter and take some time for yourself.. without your husband around and do some soul searching yourself.
I know you have children with him and will always have ties to him but you need to think of yourself and then the children.
I say yourself first because if your mind isn't straight then you won't be able to to cope with the situation for your kids.

I was in this SAME situation for 5 years and finally got out of it.
I am now a single working mom with a NICE car, NICE house, GOOD job (hot boyfriend

) and it's all because I got my mindset on the right track.

There isn't a thing you're thinking that I didn't about my husband's drinking.
I too had my soon to be ex DH come home with hickeys, without his wedding band and with a woman's phone # in his wallet.
I thought it was all my fault!
That the house wasn't clean enough, that I had let myself go, that maybe the kids were getting on his nerves... you name it, I thought it!

If you EVER need to talk, please PM me. I have been in your situation not too long ago and I am willing to help you with ANYTHING you need!

Heck, you can even call me!

Very well said!!

There has been some very good advice given to you. I can't add much but I do believe your life and your children's life needs to improve. You need to consider what you want your life to be. You have no control over your husbands drinking-when he wants to stop it will be his decision.

You have alot to think over right now-List the pros and cons of your current life and relationships. Hopefully your counselor is giving you some good advice.

Take care

goldenkitty45 · Jun 4, 2008

Quick answer NO - no one can "make another person drink". That's what is called VERBAL ABUSE - and your DH and MIL are masters of it. Abusers always blame another person (spouse, etc.) for their problems. I dealt with that with my ex - it was always my fault he drank, he lost jobs, things were not cleaned right or good enough for him. Sound familiar???

I strongly recommend you go borrow or buy this book and read it from cover to cover - Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans. This book opened my eyes to the truth of the abuse I went thru in my marriage. Verbal/Emotional abuse is sneaky - you don't see it for a long long time. But constant critisism is just one of the signs.

You need to get some counseling - its NOT your fault he is doing what he's doing. That's probably the hardest thing to overcome as you've been put down so much you think that you are at fault. The book will help you out (but you'll go thru a box of tissues). You are not alone in this. Think of yourself and your kids - not your husband right now. He will NOT change - maybe for a few weeks or months, but its about his control over you.

Will warn you that when you try to fight him, he will get worse because he's losing control over you. For your safety/sanity and your kid's, start working on separation from this man. Both he and your MIL are poison and you don't need to be around them. My marriage was 17 yrs - and only in the last few years did I figure out what was going on (things got worse around the 10th year). I didn't know anyone that was abused, so it took me longer to figure it out. Once I did, I made up my mind I would never allow him to do it to me any more. I was scared to death to mention divorce to him, but he (surprisingly) agreed. Getting him out of the house was another thing - walking on eggshells for 9-10 months before he finally left. He threatened many times to keep our son if I left and that's why I stayed longer then I should have.

furbum · Jun 4, 2008

I don't know if this is a good idea or not.. but maybe you could take a vacation with him alone somewhere where there would be no drinking and no mother-in-law. That way you could sort things out with him alone and find out if it is worth staying together.

I wish you the best. I've also got a momma's boy.

luvmy2cats · Jun 4, 2008

Absolutly not. The drinking is all him. Alcoholics always blame anyone but themselves.

glitch · Jun 4, 2008

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

Will warn you that when you try to fight him, he will get worse because he's losing control over you. For your safety/sanity and your kid's, start working on separation from this man. Both he and your MIL are poison and you don't need to be around them. My marriage was 17 yrs - and only in the last few years did I figure out what was going on (things got worse around the 10th year). I didn't know anyone that was abused, so it took me longer to figure it out. Once I did, I made up my mind I would never allow him to do it to me any more. I was scared to death to mention divorce to him, but he (surprisingly) agreed. Getting him out of the house was another thing - walking on eggshells for 9-10 months before he finally left. He threatened many times to keep our son if I left [B/]and that's why I stayed longer then I should have.

He has already told me if I leave he will take the kids, and his mommy backed him up saying that no matter how much money my family put in to help fight for the kids that they would put more money, and I would lose the children!

Originally Posted by Dixie_Darlin

*Takes a deep breath*
Ok I didn't read all of the posts but I can definatly relate to your situation.
My soon to be ex husband was the same way.
I would get blamed for his drinking by his mother ALL THE TIME!
No matter what, I couldn't make him happy.
Clean house, quiet kids, good job, money in the bank... you name it.. It didn't make him happy and I was the reason he drank.

I thought for the longest time that it was true too!

I know you're seeing a Dr and want him to see a marriage councilor but you can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Especially when he has an enabling family member like his mother.
I would suggest that you find a babysitter and take some time for yourself.. without your husband around and do some soul searching yourself.
I know you have children with him and will always have ties to him but you need to think of yourself and then the children.
I say yourself first because if your mind isn't straight then you won't be able to to cope with the situation for your kids.

I was in this SAME situation for 5 years and finally got out of it.
I am now a single working mom with a NICE car, NICE house, GOOD job (hot boyfriend

) and it's all because I got my mindset on the right track.

There isn't a thing you're thinking that I didn't about my husband's drinking.
I too had my soon to be ex DH come home with hickeys, without his wedding band and with a woman's phone # in his wallet.
I thought it was all my fault!
That the house wasn't clean enough, that I had let myself go, that maybe the kids were getting on his nerves... you name it, I thought it!

If you EVER need to talk, please PM me. I have been in your situation not too long ago and I am willing to help you with ANYTHING you need!

Heck, you can even call me!

Click to expand...

He doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore either... He says that it could cause his finger to be ripped off!

Isn't that dumb??

Originally Posted by Rosiemac

Your not losing your mind, your losing, if not lost your self esteem through it all.

Click to expand...

I think I have lost some self esteem out of all this, the worst part is I can't understand myself why I stay! If this would have happened 5 years ago he would have been out the door! I have never taken so much crap from a guy, Ive always been treated like a princess, then he comes along and I can't seem to figure out why things changed and I changed too!

You have all been awesome, I KNOW what I need to do, now I just have to do it!

rosiemac · Jun 4, 2008

Originally Posted by glitch

I think I have lost some self esteem out of all this, the worst part is I can't understand myself why I stay! If this would have happened 5 years ago he would have been out the door!

It's because over the years he's slowly knocked your confidence and you just accept it, but a person can only take so much and i think this is where you've now had it with him.

yosemite · Jun 4, 2008

Originally Posted by glitch

He has already told me if I leave he will take the kids, and his mommy backed him up saying that no matter how much money my family put in to help fight for the kids that they would put more money, and I would lose the children!

You have all been awesome, I KNOW what I need to do, now I just have to do it!

Honey, with his drinking I doubt very much he could get the kids even if they spent tons more money than you can afford. As for his mother she's a piece of work to blame you for her son's behaviour.

That's a threat often heard from men and their supportive families to scare wives like you from leaving.

I may be reading more between the lines here, but I think he has someone else (or other someones) and you are a convenient maid for him and caretaker for his children. You don't deserve to be treated this way but at the same time I understand how difficult it is for you to just up and move out with 3 small children. You'll need some family and community help but it's out there - reach out.

This fellow needs to grow up, tell his mother to butt out and become responsible for his children even if he doesn't still love or want you. AND, just because he may not love or want you doesn't mean you are unloveable or unwanted - it just means he's not the one for you.

I hope you are able to find the strength to do what you know you need to do for you and your children.

strange_wings · Jun 4, 2008

Originally Posted by glitch

He doesn't wear his wedding ring anymore either... He says that it could cause his finger to be ripped off!

Isn't that dumb??

What does he do? He may not be lying about that. However he could wear it after work and at home.

I don't see why you should be the one to move out if something happens, you have the children.

You said he's on the road a lot? - one point that will make it harder for him to get soul custody.
His drinking, and if it is happening and you can get it -proof of adultery. Another point to you.

Your depression and the fact that you see a physiologist may work against you, though you're seeking help for your problems and he isn't.

I suggest you start preparing or at least look into what you need to do if things go even further downhill. It never hurts to be prepared.

Honestly, it sounds like he may want out since he's making no efforts to help make the relationship work. As for his drinking, while you're not the cause, it could be his way of dealing with depression - he knows there are problems and prefers avoidance to dealing with them.

krazy kat2 · Jun 4, 2008

No judge is going to give the kids to an abusive drunk over someone that is trying to do right by their kids. My best friend's new bride is a lawyer, and she handled mt daughter's divorce. He cannot even get unsupervised visitation. Grandparents have virtually no say in anything unless they are only on the side of the children. If you divorce him, your kids will be assigned a guardian ad lidem, basically someone to look after their interest only. We are fortunate to have wonderful, loving people for her inlaws, that only want what is best for Olivia, our granddaughter. It would be great if you could work it out, but if you can't, start making plans. Start a bank account with one of the kid's names or your name only and add a few dollars here and there. See what kind of programs you might qualify for, education, emergency housing, legal aid. If things work out, you have a nest egg he won't know about, and you can surprise him with some day. He won't have to ever know the real reason, it can be a retirement fund. If you do have to run, you won't be broke.
I hope things work out for you, however you want them to, but a drunk is a drunk is a drunk. Mama's boys never change unless you can pry them loose and move away.
Best of luck to you. Keep us posted on what happens.

cc12 · Jun 4, 2008

First let me say I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I went through an abusive marriage and it took awhile for me to open my eyes to the fact that my ex had problems. I thought it was ALL me. His mother made me feel like it was my fault too.
Him saying he would take the kids is a load of bunk. He is threatening you to keep you in line so that his life is not disturbed. He has it the way he wants
it. Someone to take care of his house while he acts like a bachelor at night.

What you are describing is Domestic Violence. I know it feels weird to think it but it is. A relationship should add to your life not slowly kill you inside. I was there once myself. What you need to do is ask yourself if this is good enough for you. Would you want one of your kids to endure this type of relationship? They are learning how adults treat each other and their minds are being imprinted with what they see. They see a drunk Dad and a sad Mom.
Your life has shrunk so much, which abusers use to control their victims, that what they say to you actually makes sense to you. You have no life outside of your kids and your husband. You are actually thinking that his behavior is your fault. No way. He is choosing to behave this way. He is choosing to let his mother abuse you too. Put your foot down with her first. One day I just stopped talking to mine. I could not listen to another word that came out of her mouth. This changed the dynamic quickly. He didn't have a co-conspirator anymore. Any man that would let his mother treat the mother of his children that way is no man. He is still a boy. Men who abuse aren't men. They are cowards. People with addictions who don't get help are not capable of loving the people around them properly.

You question your own sanity because you are in a brain fog of depression which colors everything. You are also listening to the bullpucky he is feeding you. He has no answers to life. He finds his in a bottle.

I left my ex and I am so glad I did. I am back to being myself again. I look back and wonder why I thought he was worth all my hard work and time. He cheated on me and I had always said that that was my deal breaker but I was so beaten down I accepted it. Now I think about it and am shocked I didn't kick his lyin' behind out right then and there.
I notice in your posts that you bring up your past with a psychiatrist. That is your past and that is where it belongs. We have all had struggles or have things we aren't crazy about in our pasts. What matters is what is happening to you now.

Since he is not willing to get help things are not going to change. If you can get away for a weekend alone it will do wonders. You will begin to see the effect he is having on you. Once I realized that I did not love him anymore I was off and running. How could I love someone who treated me like dirt?

If ever you want to talk or a sounding board I am open to talking with you or just listening. Leave a message and I will answer.

Oh and if your MIL complains about your cleaning hand her a mop and a bucket and tell her to make sure she gets the corners clean.

cat mommy · Jun 4, 2008

I don't have anything else to add. Everyone else has said my thoughts, perfectly.

& for you

carolpetunia · Jun 4, 2008

When I first started reading this thread, I wanted most of all to lock your blasted mother-in-law out of the house... but now I just want YOU out of the house.

I can see no way in the world for this ever to be the right place for you or your kids. It doesn't sound as if there's really much of a relationship to salvage, even if salvage were possible. I have the greatest sympathy for alcoholics, but... my gosh, even if he got help with his drinking, it sounds as if this was not a good marriage in the first place.

If you decide to leave, you first need to document his behavior -- especially his drinking. Write down every incident you can think of, along with every threat from him or his mother... if there's physical evidence of any kind, keep it... save relevant voicemail messages... anything you can think of to show the court why he should not have custody of the kids.

Also, bear in mind: most men don't really want primary custody of their kids. They'll threaten to fight for it just to manipulate you into doing what they want -- but very few of them really want to take on that level of daily responsibility (especially if they aren't well-off). And although he might think he can take custody and then put the kids off on his mother, the court would have to find you, their mother, completely unfit to even consider such an arrangement.

So don't let their threats intimidate you! And don't let them trap you and your kids in an emotionally abusive situation. Maybe you can check around and see if there's a women's organization nearby where you could get some confidental legal and logistical counseling on how best to proceed... you might even find some free legal support.

It's not your fault, hon.

h~chan · Jun 4, 2008

No, it's not your fault he's drinking. I've read every post in this thread so far, and I agree with a lot of the suggestions that have been mentioned. A lot of my thoughts have been said. I hope you work something out, and let us know what's going on. I haven't been in this situation, but if you want to just talk to someone, you can send me a PM.

goldenkitty45 · Jun 4, 2008

Do these things right now.

1. Call the domestic abuse woman's shelter in your city (it in the yellow pages or online).

2. Contact a lawyer and file for temporary custody of the kids. If you file now, almost always you will get permanent custody.

3. Document the drinking, abuse, and the MIL abuse. Too bad you didn't record their threats.

The important thing is for you and the kids to get out of there now!

mews2much · Jun 4, 2008

He will not get the Kids. My Step Sister has a Drinking Problem and she lost the Kids. She blames everyone else also. She can not see she is the one with the problem. You need to call a hotline for help.You need to leave him before he hurts you.

natalie_ca · Jun 4, 2008

NO IT ISN"T YOUR FAULT!!!

You are in an abusive relationship. You are jumping through hoops because he and his mom are saying everything is your fault! It isn't your fault! Get that out of your head immediately.

Frankly I think you need to take your children and leave the situation. File for legal separate and demand child support. If you can get him to leave the family home, that's best, but if he won't, then pack up your stuff and your kids and go and stay with family or friends, or go to a women's shelter where they will help you get welfare in place and find a new place to live.

All that is happening by you staying in that situation is that he's got an excuse to drink and his enabling mother has someone to rag on about it. You are getting depressed and upset and your self esteem is being beaten into the ground.

Stop trying to change who you are for the sake of a drunk and a meddling mother-in-law.

oscarsmommy · Jun 4, 2008

Everyone here has given you wonderful advice and all I can say is good luck and I hope you make the right decison for you and your little ones

glitch · Jun 4, 2008

Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy

Everyone here has given you wonderful advice and all I can say is good luck and I hope you make the right decison for you and your little ones

You and me both hon!! If I could predict the future this would be alot easier!

KittenKrazy · Jun 4, 2008

sweetie, I had my husband read part of this thread (he'll read it all later). His thoughts on it? Get yourself out and away from him....ASAP.

Is it possible for someone to cause someone to drink??

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