Is it possible for someone to cause someone to drink??

glitch

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My life is in shambles right now, I dont know how to fix it really... Im not the best housekeeper, but Im a good mom, and Im getting alot better at the housekeeping! My MIL comes over everyday to make sure Im doing what Im suppose to do, telling me that my DH told her he was going to divorce me. So Ive busted my butt trying to fix things for him, but he's been mean and nasty to me, hasn't pair any attention to me, and definatly no affection. Im doing everything his mom and him wanted me to do, and I dont know what else to do. Then yesterday she comes over and tells me that I cause him to drink, he drinks all the time. The days when I have a babysitter to watch the kids he finds an excuse to go out with someone else besides me, we havn't been alone together since September. His mom says that all this is my fault, the reason he doesn't look at me anymore is because Im not as pretty or skinny as I use to be, and if that I would wait on him more he wouldn't drink so much... I have a hard time thinking that anyone can be the cause of someone elses drinking constantly?? Any advice?? Im at the lowest I can go, I dont know if I can handle one more nasty word out of her, Im losing my mind, and she wrecking my marraige!
 

theimp98

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no its his excuse to be drinking, and not you.
i would tell his mother to take a flying leap off of a tall buliding.

i had to tell my wife's family off , a few times for butting into stuff that was non of ther business. Cause she did not want to do it. however in this case, He needs to tell his mother to back off.
 
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glitch

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Thats what I keep thinking, but he's such a mommy's boy Im afraid if I say anything he'll leave... I dont want him to leave, I want the kids to be able to grow up with their mother and father, but at the same time he's an alcaholic and all this has driven me so far down into depression I cant seem to find a place to dig myself back up! Her idea of cleaning and mine are 2 different things too, she cleans the center of the room only, I have to clean everything! Under, above, below and behind, and its just not clean until all thats been done, so with her "trying to help" its just making me have to follow behind her and waste time. Plus she has made me so crabby, and the kids dont deserve a crabby mom!
 

trixie23

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Absolutely not. No one can put the bottle to his mouth except for him. Don't take that bogus guilt trip. I have great experience with alcoholics and they are always down to point the finger and blame on everyone but themselves when it comes to their issues. Alcohol is his crutch, it is his cop-out from dealing with his emotions and reality. That is his way of coping with issues when really all it does is create more issues and solves nothing. It may mask emotions and issues temporarily but those problems will still be active by the time he sobers up.

Your mother in law sounds like she needs a punch in the face or at least to mind her own business. She is hearing one side of the story and obviously favoring her son's side and taking what he says as total truth. It's a shame she is so nieve. Don't tolerate her abuse, she has no rights. Obviously we can see where her son gets his attitude. I am sorry to hear that things are going so badly for you. Sounds like your relationship has some wicked flaws. I think you need to confront your husband and ask him what he wants from the relationship... It is a scary question but at least you will know if he is willing to work on things or whether he intends to keep pooing on you and neglecting you. I would say counceling is in order. Possibly for you both as individuals and together as a couple, if maintaining your relationship is something you both want. Otherwise it may be time to end things for the sake of your mental health. I know from experience what can come of abusive relationships first hand. I should also really take my own advice but it is much easier to tell someone what to do then it is to follow it. Especially when we the advisors are on the outside looking in and giving opinions, it is much easier to take that position because their emotions are not involved.
 

theimp98

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i dont often say this type of stuff.
But i think you need to get some help. More then what we can give on the internet.

also you cant make him grow up, and stop being a momma boy, he has to make that choice, and she in also enabling his actions by blaming them on you. (imo)
 
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glitch

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I see a councler, actually a physcologist, and I want him to get marriage councling, I think it would do us some good, and maybe just give us time to talk about the stuff thats really bothering us, but I dont think he'll do it... He use to be so different, he wanted to do things with me, he wanted to be with me! Now his friends and his bottle take first priority!

I just dont think dragging your mother into it to come over with a fine tip comb and a magnifying glass to pick out my flaws is the right way to fix things! We've been together 8 years, but the drinking has only been going on for 2 of those years... The only reason he married me in the first place is because he was having to pay 800 in child support to help take care of the 2 kids we already had, and then we had another!
 

strange_wings

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You two definitely need to work things out or call it quits - to be blunt. You may think that your kids having a mother and father that are married is doing them a favor, but is it if you remain depressed and he's keeps drinking?

I grew up with a depressed mom and an alcoholic father who was also very verbally abusive. I heard and saw things at a young age that no child should have to go through - such as hiding in my room while they yelled at each other and wondering what my dad was going to put his fist through that time (luckily it was usually doors and walls). Their staying married until I was 15 wasn't doing me any favors...
 

trixie23

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Sounds like you got married for the wrong reasons... I hate to say it. My cousin did the same thing and her marriage lasted less then a year (they were together for almost 4 years before hand). Kids should never be the reason you get married. It should be because you love one another and intend to spend your lives together. Everyone has their up's and down's in a relationship but when there are more down's then up's you have to question what is keeping you there. Have you talked about this with your psychologist? Do you think your hubby would come and sit in on one of your sessions. So your psychologist can explain your depression and where your state of mind is at. Maybe he or she can help him consider marriage counceling and even recommend a councelor.

Of course you can't force him to go but if he really cares about you he will give it a shot. I am not married but I have done counceling with a bf before... It can help, communication is key though. Sounds like there is no communication in this relationship... It sounds like your MIL is the middle man. She is part of the problem, but only a small part.
 
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glitch

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Ive seen a physciatrist since I was 15, and things went bad, I did something stupid, my school councler wouldn't let it slide and I was forced into councling, which Ive since learned to love! I was very upbeat right before all this started, and to tell you the truth I had no idea that he was even angry with me, he didn't tell me at all! I asked several times if there was something wrong but he always said no. I think my Dr. would do the marriage councling for us, talking him into it will be another story, but even his mother agree's we should do that. Im always with the kids, and I always have everyone elses kids also, and I love it dearly, but the second they go to sleep I can't stop thinking of what else I could be doing to make things better.... We also have a problem that we dont fight, which everyone should at some point, but the things that bother one another we end up picking on each other about. I really wouldn't mind his drinking if he wouldn't do it everynight, and if he would spend time with me. I miss him! He's always on the road working, so he's gone alot, and when he's not on the road he's not here... I just there was something I could do to make him want to be home with me and the kids, and want to do things together just the 2 of us!
 

fwan

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Oh im sorry! My parents are doing the exact thing as you're doing, my mother is an alcoholic, she got really depressed after she gave birth to me. Is in a real bad state because she drinks so much, that every extra drop kills her slowly. Doctors gave her two years to live in 2004. My father is depressed, he sees no point in life anymore. He smokes three packs of ciggies, he is now weak and has so many problems and pains and thinks he doesnt need a doctor i am pretty sure he has cancer.
They really made my life miserable as a child, my mum would drink and then the abuse would start. when she is drunk all she does is fight and bad mouthe people. All these years why did my parents stay together? because of me, it would have been better if they had gotten divorce.

Bottom line is, if your children are old enough to understand they are going to thank you for it later on. I would honestly pack up your stuff and the kids and move somewhere temporarely until he gets his act together. You need to be bitter to get his kindness. At the moment it sounds like they are manipulating you, it starts now, and then what will happen if they try to take the children away from you.

Its going to be tough, but you really need to put your foot down.
 

fwan

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Originally Posted by glitch

Ive seen a physciatrist since I was 15, and things went bad, I did something stupid, my school councler wouldn't let it slide and I was forced into councling, which Ive since learned to love! I was very upbeat right before all this started, and to tell you the truth I had no idea that he was even angry with me, he didn't tell me at all! I asked several times if there was something wrong but he always said no. I think my Dr. would do the marriage councling for us, talking him into it will be another story, but even his mother agree's we should do that. Im always with the kids, and I always have everyone elses kids also, and I love it dearly, but the second they go to sleep I can't stop thinking of what else I could be doing to make things better.... We also have a problem that we dont fight, which everyone should at some point, but the things that bother one another we end up picking on each other about. I really wouldn't mind his drinking if he wouldn't do it everynight, and if he would spend time with me. I miss him! He's always on the road working, so he's gone alot, and when he's not on the road he's not here... I just there was something I could do to make him want to be home with me and the kids, and want to do things together just the 2 of us!
I'm sorry i dont want to drill things into your head but is there another woman?
 
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glitch

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Originally Posted by fwan

Oh im sorry! My parents are doing the exact thing as you're doing, my mother is an alcoholic, she got really depressed after she gave birth to me. Is in a real bad state because she drinks so much, that every extra drop kills her slowly. Doctors gave her two years to live in 2004. My father is depressed, he sees no point in life anymore. He smokes three packs of ciggies, he is now weak and has so many problems and pains and thinks he doesnt need a doctor i am pretty sure he has cancer.
They really made my life miserable as a child, my mum would drink and then the abuse would start. when she is drunk all she does is fight and bad mouthe people. All these years why did my parents stay together? because of me, it would have been better if they had gotten divorce.

Bottom line is, if your children are old enough to understand they are going to thank you for it later on. I would honestly pack up your stuff and the kids and move somewhere temporarely until he gets his act together. You need to be bitter to get his kindness. At the moment it sounds like they are manipulating you, it starts now, and then what will happen if they try to take the children away from you.

Its going to be tough, but you really need to put your foot down.
I think thats what I need to do too! Even if its temporary while we figure things out, I think it would be better apart... Our kids are really young yet, so they dont really know whats going on, my oldest, Angel who is 5 knows only what her grandma told me in front of her, that daddy was going to leave if I didn't take better care of the house. Keep in mind the house was never dirty, just toys on the floor, a few dishes in the sink, stuff like that but nothing dirty! I could probably stay in my grandma's basement for a while, I know I can't fix it by myself, he has to work at it also! I asked him if he loved me and he said yes, I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said yes, so why are things all crazy?? You would think if he wants to be with me he would want to work things out. So far this friday we have set up a babysitter so we can go talk just the 2 of us, but I had to beg, he already had plans, and then he called me and told me he might not be home by then, and friday is the only night I can get a sitter for! I think that he thinks taking care of our 3 kids all day everyday without any adult conversation is easy! He also has his cousin bring her baby over so I get him too, and then I have my normal other kid who's 5 also! & on a bad day Ill have my brothers kid too who is 3, so somedays there are 6 kids and things get hecktic!
 
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glitch

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Originally Posted by fwan

I'm sorry i dont want to drill things into your head but is there another woman?
Ive asked myself that so many times, I can't help but to think there is, but he denys it to no end, one day he came home with a hickey on his chest and he said some girl at the bar came up behind him and did that and he didn't even really know her.... He says that nothing happened and it was just her being dumb and drunk, but thats weird ya know?
 

mews2much

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He Drinks because he has a problem. You didnt cause it. They always blame the wife. My Neighbors got a Divorce when i wa a Kid because the Dad drank so much. He died yound from drinking.You may need to seperate for awhile. Do not stay with him jut for the Kids. My friend Jim was going to do that and we talked about it. He got the Divorce and it was the best thing he did.
 
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glitch

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I think even if its for a little while Ill probably leave, I think the drinking is just got the better of him. I know he's young, and he still wants to do things young people do, I understand that, I want to do some of that stuff too, but I can't so I dont! I think I maybe jealous about that too, just seems to be fair, he gets to have friends and a life outside of this house and I dont!
He is so smart too, he could have finished high school and went to college if he would have wanted too, but he didn't! I stayed home from college because I wanted to be with him, and now Im having to do it! He has an excellent job though! I almost wish he had a different one though, because its the people at work who he drinks with! They're worse than him!
 

going nova

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I don't really have much in the way of advice. It sounds to me like you're making an effort, and he's not. You can only be responsible for yourself- his bad decisions are his own.
 

fwan

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Originally Posted by glitch

Ive asked myself that so many times, I can't help but to think there is, but he denys it to no end, one day he came home with a hickey on his chest and he said some girl at the bar came up behind him and did that and he didn't even really know her.... He says that nothing happened and it was just her being dumb and drunk, but thats weird ya know?
Oh that makes me so mad, a hickey? it doesnt take a second to do a hickey!
If you cant talk to him this friday i would just pack my clothes and the kids clothes and move into your grandmothers temporarely! Dont tell him youre leaving either!
 

KittenKrazy

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You've recieved a lot of good advice my friend, there's a lot about the drinking/depression/divorce issue that I won't go into in public, but if you want to talk privately I will. I will say though, in answer to your first question, no, you can't cause someone to drink, but you can drive someone to a nervous breakdown, which is where you're headed if things continue in the direction they're headed......
 

rosiemac

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Originally Posted by glitch

The days when I have a babysitter to watch the kids he finds an excuse to go out with someone else besides me
Anyone who would rather be out with someone else other than their partner would confirm it all for me, more so that he came home with a hickey on his chest!!
I'm afraid that's where his bags would be packed and he'd be out the door. Theres too many things that have happend to even sit down and try and sort out for me as well

Originally Posted by glitch

Im losing my mind
Your not losing your mind, your losing, if not lost your self esteem through it all.
 

alleygirl

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One of the happiest days of my life is when my dad finally left. Seriously. He made our lives such hell, day in and day out, and him and my mom were always fighting. It was quiet and peaceful and wonderful after that.

Never stay in a bad situation because of the kids. What people don't realize is that if the parents are miserable, the kids usually are too. I wish my mom had thrown my dad out many many years before she did. Maybe we would have had a decent childhood then.

Anyways, its your life, and I'm sorry things are bad right now, but it sounds like unless he is willing to get help, things are only going to keep getting worse. You and the children all deserve better.

p.s. If my bf came home with a hickey on him, he would be out the door that instant. That story sounds like a load of crap to me. You really deserve better.
 
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