A friend has asked for my advice

And I don't know what to tell her! I thought I'd post this and see what your opinions are on the subject.

She has been dating a guy for almost 3 years and they're living together in a rented apartment. At the moment he works and she stays home and keeps the apartment clean and takes care of their dog. She thought he was ok with their arrangement, until the subject of marriage came up. She is ready for marriage and she feels that they've been together long enough that he should have at least proposed by now. However he told her the other day that he will only propose to her once she has a job and they have enough money to buy their own house and move out of the apartment. He said he needs to see that she can commit to something (such as a full time job), before he will marry her.

Now she is conflicted. She deeply loves this man and he does love her very much. I know them both very well and they're great for each other. He treats her very well and they are happy together. With the exception of this one issue now. She is starting to feel angry because of what he said. She thinks that marriage shouldn't be about money, she thinks that if he truly loved her he would have proposed to her already. Instead, he's waiting to plan it all based on the amount of money they have.

I really don't know what to tell her. She had no idea he felt so strongly about it but she is willing to get a job and do her part financially. But now she thinks she will end up resenting him in the future because their future engagement and marriage will have been based on a job and money rather than being in love.

I really can see both of their sides. At the moment, John and I are in a similar situation... we're living with his parents, he's working and I currently stay home. We can afford to find a house, we just haven't found the right one yet but we are looking. I am in the process of looking for a part time job, not because I NEED to but because it would be nice to have the extra money and it'll get me out of the house for a few hours a day.

I'm just really not sure what advice to give her. What do you all think about the situation and what would you do in her situation?

I really think if its right, then its right...and having no money, or no house or whatever should affect that.

That is a red flag IMO. I imagine she feels shattered

Sounds to me like he is trying to renegotiate the relationship on HIS terms. Why hasn't this subject come up before? Perhaps he's stalling b/c he's not really ready to commit? What does her working have to do with anything?

I think they need to sit down with a disinterested, professional third party and work it out. ( clergy, counselor, etc.)

What's hard about it is that you really only have her side to go on. Maybe he has been dropping hints, or making comments along the way that he would like for her to get a job, and she hasn't. Maybe that is his red flag, that in his mind, she lacks motivation...it would be a red flag for me. Then again, maybe it is exactly as she says it is, and he's just using it as an excuse. There's really no way for you to know for sure, unfortunately.

I have to agree. It does sound a little weird. I can understand him wanting her to get a job so that they can afford a house and whatnot... but to not propose until she does so? That just sounds a little controlling to me.

Sending vibes her way. I can only imagine how she feels.

I've had this conversation with my boyfriend. Men, in general, want strong women. They want to know that they will be marrying a girl who can stand on her own two feet. Reading this i think it says it right there "He said he needs to see that she can commit to something (such as a full time job), before he will marry her."
It has nothing to do with the actual money. if they are doing ok with money thats not the issue. He wants to know that if things get tough she will have the ability to get out there too. And maybe he wants to see that now so that years down the line if they are short on money she wont look at him and say "job? youre kidding right?".
I dont think its a bad thing at all that he wants to see her commit to something. He needs to see that she can stick to a job... possibly to see if she 'has what it takes' to stick out somethign as serious as marriage.

I understand the guyâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s side. Maybe he loves her enough to marry her but thereâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s more to it then just her getting a job. A lot of relationships have both sides that have underlying resentments and maybe his came out. Maybe he feels she isnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t paying her dues to this relationship. He may feel that he contributes much more then her since she stays at home but they have no kids. It could be that he just wants to make sure if crap hits the fan they will be able to pull it through together.

I understand his side more. I mean I hate to say this but unless I was really rich I wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t support my boyfriend unless he was a full time mom/dad. If my boyfriend wanted to marry me but in that same situation I would say no. I love my boyfriend dearly but I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t want to have to work hard to support two when Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m making an average salary. I wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t expect him to do the same. I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t want to get on anyoneâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s nerves or anything. I will be the first to step up and debate that a womanâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s job at home is just as stressful as a mans if they had kids… But now I am defending myself lol so ill stick to the topic.

She should get a job to make him happy and not take too much offence in this. Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m sure he loves her dearly, he probably just wants to make sure their life is comfortable rather then him stressing out on how to pay a mortgage with only one salary.

It may have been the way he said it that went wrong, but I think he has a good point.

Even if I truly loved someone and thought that they were the one for me, there is no way I would seriously consider marriage, even a proposal, with him if he had no job and I was supporting him. That doesn't seem fair to me. If there was a young child at home that she was taking care of, that would be different, or if she had some sort of disability that prevented her from working. Why isn't she working?

If it was the woman working and supporting her live-in boyfriend who didn't work, but cleaned the apartment and took care of the dog, would you still think it was a red flag if she wanted him to start working before they even got engaged?

Tricia

He may well have had a very bad day & said something without thinking, too. It's hard to offer advice, when you weren't there for the conversation.

He may be stalling, it may cause issues later in the relationship, or they may get married & live happily ever after.

I honestly think they need to sit down & talk about it.

There's a funny old poem, which I can't seem to find, entitled "To Have and Too Old." It's about a couple of old people walking down the aise to get married, because they waited until they "could afford it."

I think she should get a job. He, in turn, should start helping her with the dog and the house.

So basically, she's upset because he is communicating that the free ride is over and that she'll need to be an equal partner in the relationship?

She needs to get over herself, get real, and get off her behind.

This isn't the old days, and while the concept of being a kept woman might be nice, it is downright gold-digging, IMO.

Originally Posted by GingersMom

So basically, she's upset because he is communicating that the free ride is over and that she'll need to be an equal partner in the relationship?

She needs to get over herself, get real, and get off her behind.

This isn't the old days, and while the concept of being a kept woman might be nice, it is downright gold-digging, IMO.

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That's not her problem at all, she is more than willing to get a job. She's upset because it seems (to her anyway) as if he only cares about money and not love. She thinks that proposal and marriage should have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

I really do see her point and I also really see his point as well.

I think maybe he could have talked to her about her getting a job separate from the conversation about marriage. She's upset about him saying "I'll only marry you if you get a job".

Originally Posted by GingersMom

So basically, she's upset because he is communicating that the free ride is over and that she'll need to be an equal partner in the relationship?

She needs to get over herself, get real, and get off her behind.

This isn't the old days, and while the concept of being a kept woman might be nice, it is downright gold-digging, IMO.

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That might be putting it a bit harshly. I do believe there are always 2 sides to every story and you are only hearing hers. Unless you are a marriage counsellor or qualified counsellor, then you need to tell her that they have to sort this out between them. Even if you are friends, it is not up to you to sort out their issues. And, if you do give advice and something happens based on that advice (they split up or stay together and wish they had split up ), they may well blame you for telling them to do this or that.

The very best thing you can do is tell her you really can't be objective since she is your friend and suggest they seek objective counselling.

Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m sure according to my experiences with men that he probably did say it at the wrong time (donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t men always?) and maybe said it in a rude way. BUT she still shouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t take this seriously, some (Most?) men will always not understand how sensitive us women are because they arenâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t as sensitive. He did after all support her for three years, that proves some sort of love to me. Most men I know, rich or poor wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t support someone for three years without kids.

And yes, thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s true we donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know both sides of the story, but our opinions were asked for better or worse and if you ask for opinions sometimes you get blunt answers. If someone takes what a complete stranger says and paves their life around that, well… I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know what to say about that, but that seems kind of bad to me.

What she should do is swallow her emotions, sit her man down and discuss this. Unless like someone said she is handicapped, or has kids I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know what someone would do at home all day. I work 8 hours, cook all the food, do all the laundry and most the chores and I have plenty of time to relax and do “me†things. So knowing how I would react thereâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s no way I would marry my boyfriend in that situation.

They need to talk, thatâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s all there is too it. If she cant see that he loves her just for the plain fact that he took care of her for three years, and you said he treats her well, etc shes just being sensitive and if she goes over board with this thing she might ruin a good thing then she will HAVE to get a job lol.

firstly depends on how old this person is, if she is in her young 20's then i would advise her to get a job because you never know what will happen and you should always have money aside incase he is a total loser.

If you had known me 3 years ago you would have seen that i didnt work, my ex bf was barely working and in the end when he left me and took my money i was in terrible financial debt I was 19 we had been together for nearly three years and i felt betrayed. He did propose, not because he loved me for the person i was in germany, but because i was a different person in another country and based that i would be the same once i returned to bad atmosphere place that id be the same.

IMO i think she should get a job even if its part time, so she doesnt have to be home all day, and has something to do that will also stimulate her brain. It has been proven with many people that staying at home doesnt get you very far.

Those are my two cents.

The only thing in this that I have any certainty about is that there are communication issues here that need to be resolved before they think about marriage -- job or no job, house or no house, etc. That she thought all was hunky-dory and expected a proposal before now, while he was (supposedly) silently waiting for her to demonstrate an ability to commit to something, says that they don't know enough about what the other is thinking or likely to think, and are not on the same wavelength. They need to sort that out first -- and probably some professional help with it would be in order. And then it may become crystal clear what needs to happen next.

Both DH and I found out that you marry the person for who they are - not what you want them to be or how much money they have, etc. If he's putting conditions on her for marriage, then she should be wise and re-evaluate the relationship - and get out of it.

Marriage should NOT come with strings attached (if you do this, then I will marry you). Red flags.

Originally Posted by rapunzel47

The only thing in this that I have any certainty about is that there are communication issues here that need to be resolved before they think about marriage -- job or no job, house or no house, etc. That she thought all was hunky-dory and expected a proposal before now, while he was (supposedly) silently waiting for her to demonstrate an ability to commit to something, says that they don't know enough about what the other is thinking or likely to think, and are not on the same wavelength. They need to sort that out first -- and probably some professional help with it would be in order. And then it may become crystal clear what needs to happen next.

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I understand the guyâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s side. Maybe he loves her enough to marry her but thereâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s more to it then just her getting a job. A lot of relationships have both sides that have underlying resentments and maybe his came out. Maybe he feels she isnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t paying her dues to this relationship. He may feel that he contributes much more then her since she stays at home but they have no kids. It could be that he just wants to make sure if crap hits the fan they will be able to pull it through together.

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Sounds like there is a lot of resentment on his side. He's been supporting her for a few years and now wants to know if she is ever going to give him any help! What does she plan to do when the kids come along? It sounds to me like he is worried about her pulling her weight in the marraige. Time for her to find a full time job, and for them to get some counselling!

How old is this couple, that sometimes has a lot to do with one's feelings.