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Meeting Girlfriends Parents

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
In about two weeks I will be meeting my girlfriends parents for the first time and I am not really nervous more scared out of my mind. Its an internet relationship and her parents are both 60+ so they don't really understand the whole internet dating thing and I can understand that. Me and my girl met in March face to face for the first time and we had a blast but her parents didn't know I was there(my girl lied to them the entire time).

From what I was able to get from my girl(which I am sure is skewed) her mother is the main problem. She is totally against our relationship...actually she has said it isn't a relationship its me stalking her daughter. I understand her view because their is a lot of danger in internet dating because you never know who you are going to find online. But her daughter is almost 30 so its time that her mom let go and let her make her own decisions especially when it comes to love.

I am not expecting a warm welcome to say the least but how do I put up with the very hostile environment I am sure I will be facing while still managing to show them that I am nothing to fear and that I want to do nothing but love and take care of there daughter?
post #2 of 21
I was in your girlfriend's position about 10 years ago. I met a guy online and while my parents didn't really mind me talking to him, they were still very worried about me. He did fly over to meet me and stayed at my parents house with me, so that actually did help (until a month after he left, I moved to Guam to be with him!). It really took my mom a long time to accept it, but once she realized he wasn't an axe murder, she was at least civil to him. Probably was a good thing we eventually broke up, but the relationship lasted for 4 years.

It IS harder dealing with older parents, especially ones that only hear the horror stories about the internet. My best advice is to be polite and respect their views, but be yourself. Maybe, at some point, sit them down and explain that you understand their concerns but you are not one of the crazy people. Do you live close to your girlfriend? If so, the more they get to know you, the more they will relax. If not, maybe they are afraid of her moving away.

Good luck!
post #3 of 21
Hey, everybody who gets together met somewhere. If you don't do the singles bar thing, have your own washer and dryer, don't go to church, don't go to college, and don't hang out in the grocery store produce section, where ARE you going to meet someone these days? Online, right!
post #4 of 21
Thread Starter 
I live about 600 miles away from her and also in a complete different country so no I don't leave near her...lol. And I won't be staying at her house, thats for sure, I don't want to wake up missing any limbs, that and I am sure her mom would make me sleep in a box on the street before letting me sleep in her house. Its kind of funny they are really protective of her but they also want her to move out as soon and quickly as possible so I am sure they wouldn't be upset if she did move to be with me. I really don't think its me they have the problem with, its the idea of me, some strange guy that, as far as they know, has never met there daughter professing to love her. And if I were in there shoes I would not like me either, so I totally understand where there coming from.

They also don't trust there daughter AT ALL, they didn't even expect her to graduate from high school let alone get the two degree's she has, so I am sure their COMPLETE lack of faith in her is also helping to fuel the fire. I think they are also worried that I just want her for her body, which is every parents fear, especially when you still see your daughter as a child. And I know the stigma of the internet isn't helping that matter either because steriotypically only horny men do this kind of thing on the internet.

Well thats just not me, I don't want her for her body, I want her for her personality and her intelligence. I am just afraid that no matter what I say they won't hear me, and they will be to busy throwing me under the bus and then running me over.
post #5 of 21
Try drawing an analogy: you met and got acquainted on the internet, just as people used to meet and get acquainted as penpals. But now you know each other in real life, so that should be moot at this point.

At 52, I'm having a hard time with the idea that people in their 60s are so old they can't grasp the internet! I hope they're really just afraid of something they know little about... in which case you can eventually overcome their fears.

Perhaps you should go out of your way to let them know as much about you as possible. You might even take along some family photos or videos to share with them!
post #6 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
At 52, I'm having a hard time with the idea that people in their 60s are so old they can't grasp the internet! I hope they're really just afraid of something they know little about... in which case you can eventually overcome their fears.
Carol, it took my mom 3 months to learn how to turn on the computer to check her email. She was terrified everytime she did something to computer would explode! She still never got past email and solitaire (but man, did she love her solitaire!)

Hon, I think once they get to know you as a person, put a face and a personality to the name, they will probably stop thinking of you as the "internet stalker". You're right, I think they're afraid of the "idea" of you, not of you yourself. You might actually be surprised at how it goes.
post #7 of 21
Thread Starter 
Yeah not really, her mom is now threatening to cut off the internet so her daughter can't talk to me anymore. My girl was balling about an hour ago about it so I really don't think this interaction will go that great...I just need to figure out what I want on my tombstone. Her mom has a VERY VERY bad anger problem so...I am expecting to get cussed it in polish by the end of the night. Thankfully in never escolates to physical hitting, she just yells A LOT. I hear her in the background of our internet calls all the time yelling at either her husband or my girlfriend. The funny thing is I don't really deserve the hatered she has, I'm a student in college so I am furthering my knowledge to help the world that she lives in. Its not like I'm some bum living on a street corner begging for money for crack. Though her mom doesn't believe that I am a student, she said if I were a student I wouldn't be on the internet all the time...oh if she only knew.
post #8 of 21
OK, hmmmm.... lots of red flags going up here, Algebrapro. Why is a 30 year old woman still living at home? How come her folks have sooo much influence over her? Who she dates at that age is really her business. Sounds like she is under her parents' thumb, especially the mom, that she hasn't detached and become her own person. Especially, if as you say, she has two degrees, etc. The parents sound toxic. Not good. To quote an old TV show - "Danger, Will Robinson!!"

Not "danger" from the folks, but the whole dynamic sounds really, really, really dysfunctional. I am not passing judgement on you or your lady friend, but wow.... Just go in with your eyes wide open.

I know you wanted advice about dealing with the folks and you already got some great words of wisdom. You can tell me to bug off, butt out, whatever, but you asked for people's input about this....

Good Luck.
post #9 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
OK, hmmmm.... lots of red flags going up here, Algebrapro. Why is a 30 year old woman still living at home? How come her folks have sooo much influence over her? Who she dates at that age is really her business. Sounds like she is under her parents' thumb, especially the mom, that she hasn't detached and become her own person. Especially, if as you say, she has two degrees, etc. The parents sound toxic. Not good. To quote an old TV show - "Danger, Will Robinson!!"

Not "danger" from the folks, but the whole dynamic sounds really, really, really dysfunctional. I am not passing judgement on you or your lady friend, but wow.... Just go in with your eyes wide open.

I know you wanted advice about dealing with the folks and you already got some great words of wisdom. You can tell me to bug off, butt out, whatever, but you asked for people's input about this....

Good Luck.
I agree with the above post.
post #10 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
At 52, I'm having a hard time with the idea that people in their 60s are so old they can't grasp the internet! I
At 57, I agree that thinking a 60 year old doesn't get the internet is just pretty silly. Unless they are the kinds of people who wouldn't get the internet at 30 either.

I met my DH in a bar - so which is better, bar or internet? You can meet an ax murderer in church for that matter.

On another note, a 30 year old lying to her parents about who she dates? Something definitely not right with that relationship. Even when I made less than stellar choices in dates, my mother always knew who they were and where I met them.

Good luck with the meeting.
post #11 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by algebrapro18 View Post
Yeah not really, her mom is now threatening to cut off the internet so her daughter can't talk to me anymore. My girl was balling about an hour ago about it so I really don't think this interaction will go that great...I just need to figure out what I want on my tombstone. Her mom has a VERY VERY bad anger problem so...I am expecting to get cussed it in polish by the end of the night. Thankfully in never escolates to physical hitting, she just yells A LOT. I hear her in the background of our internet calls all the time yelling at either her husband or my girlfriend. The funny thing is I don't really deserve the hatered she has, I'm a student in college so I am furthering my knowledge to help the world that she lives in. Its not like I'm some bum living on a street corner begging for money for crack. Though her mom doesn't believe that I am a student, she said if I were a student I wouldn't be on the internet all the time...oh if she only knew.
You're lady needs to get out of mom's house and on her own. Does she have a job? If she does, she can afford to get herself an apartment.
post #12 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
OK, hmmmm.... lots of red flags going up here, Algebrapro. Why is a 30 year old woman still living at home? How come her folks have sooo much influence over her? Who she dates at that age is really her business. Sounds like she is under her parents' thumb, especially the mom, that she hasn't detached and become her own person. Especially, if as you say, she has two degrees, etc. The parents sound toxic. Not good. To quote an old TV show - "Danger, Will Robinson!!"

Not "danger" from the folks, but the whole dynamic sounds really, really, really dysfunctional. I am not passing judgement on you or your lady friend, but wow.... Just go in with your eyes wide open.

I know you wanted advice about dealing with the folks and you already got some great words of wisdom. You can tell me to bug off, butt out, whatever, but you asked for people's input about this....

Good Luck.
Just because someone is living at home at age 30 doesn't mean they are dysfunctional. With the cost of food, gas, rent, everything being unreal these days, it could be she moved back home to save money. I know a lot of people that are forced to do that, and if she was brought up the way I was, she wouldn't do ANYTHING he mother didn't approve of, even if that meant she had to lie about it.

Now, I will admit I was dysfunctional. I went to college and lived on campus for 3 1/2 years. Of course, the college was only 20 minutes away from my house, but that was my choice. That was where a lot of my friends were. I tried to find a job after a graduated (English major...and I didn't want to teach), but couldn't so I continued to work as a waitress and worked up to shift manager. Living at home the entire time. I was in a fog. I had a quite a few opportunities to move out and share an apartment with friends, but my Mom always beat me down. As in "you don't understand how much it costs for food, for rent....". The only way I would ever learn is to find out for myself! But, she would pull the guilt thing, and I would stay at home. (I need to point out, I was an only child and adopted, so I think that had a lot to do with it).

So, when my internet guy came (I was 29), the best thing I could do for myself was hop on a plane and go to the other side of the world to live my own life. So, my mom didn't speak to me for the 2 weeks I was packing and getting things settled. She got over it. And I'm a better person for it. I felt terrible at the time, but I finally realized I needed to do SOMETHING to get out of the situation I was in.

So, my point is, even if someone is under their parents' thumb, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with them. Every person is different. Yeah, some are developely challenged....others just want to keep the peace and keep their parents happy. But, there is a time to break free. Sometimes it just takes some people longer than others.
post #13 of 21
Dress nice - think of it as a "job interview" - you want to look your best. Tell them why you like their daughter and hope that they will come to know you as a good person. Talk about your job, your future, and ask them what they did in their jobs.

You want to compliment them but be sincere in doing so. Don't over do it. Take their lead in things. Be willing to answer questions about internet dating and that's its just another way to meet the right person to date and fall in love.
post #14 of 21
It isn't the living at home (I don't know where she lives, but in a lot of cultures that's perfectly acceptable especially for a woman) that is odd but the lying about having met you before and lying about you being there.

You might have no idea what their family dynamic is, and who knows what she's telling her mom if she can't be honest about you for whatever reason. Maybe she is making it out like you barely know each other and you're just coming to meet. Maybe she's threatening that you're finally going to get her out of the house, and her mom doesn't want that to happen.

Regardless, just be yourself, let them get to know you and realize you're a decent guy who just happened to meet her on-line instead of in a coffee shop.

Her parents are, at this point at least, her problem and responsibility. I've learned that, having a ridiculous parent who does his best to make meeting him like an Inquisition on Saturday Night Live. I warn boyfriends what he does, and then tell them that no matter what his (my dad's) opinion is, I like him(the bf), so who cares? It's your girlfriend's job to explain to her parents how meeting online doesn't make you a serial killer, and that she really likes you and this is not a threat to her relationship with her mom.

It's your job to make a good impression, support her, and make nice.
post #15 of 21
You do NOT want to hear what Dottie's dad had to say when she told him she was marrying me.
post #16 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by AddieBee View Post
OK, hmmmm.... lots of red flags going up here, Algebrapro. Why is a 30 year old woman still living at home? How come her folks have sooo much influence over her? Who she dates at that age is really her business. Sounds like she is under her parents' thumb, especially the mom, that she hasn't detached and become her own person. Especially, if as you say, she has two degrees, etc. The parents sound toxic. Not good. To quote an old TV show - "Danger, Will Robinson!!"

Not "danger" from the folks, but the whole dynamic sounds really, really, really dysfunctional. I am not passing judgement on you or your lady friend, but wow.... Just go in with your eyes wide open.

I know you wanted advice about dealing with the folks and you already got some great words of wisdom. You can tell me to bug off, butt out, whatever, but you asked for people's input about this....

Good Luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rescuecatsrule View Post
I agree with the above post.
me, too!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Misty8723 View Post
On another note, a 30 year old lying to her parents about who she dates? Something definitely not right with that relationship. Even when I made less than stellar choices in dates, my mother always knew who they were and where I met them.


Quote:
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post
Just because someone is living at home at age 30 doesn't mean they are dysfunctional. With the cost of food, gas, rent, everything being unreal these days, it could be she moved back home to save money.
i moved back home in my late 20s/early 30s to go back to college for a degree. my parents offered me room & board for the entire time, plus tuition for the 1st year [you can't get any loans or grants the 1st year if you were working full time 'cause you won't qualify - they base need on the prior year's income tax return - stupid!]. the 2nd year, i got loans & grants. thruout, i had a part time job to pay for gas & auto insurance [car was paid for already]. i graduated when i was 32 - so i was living at home when i was 30.
that said, my family dynamic was WAAAAAY different!
post #17 of 21
I'm 21 live at home. Got a job, can't afford to move out. Doesn't make me dysfunctional (although I wouldn't say I'm "functional" either )

The fact that she's lying to her parents about who she dates floors me. Sorry, but if I'm gonna live under their roof, I'm gonna tell them what's going on. Like....me flying PJ & Punky to sharky. They know I've never met sharky, they know I've corresponded with her a lot in the past years....they just don't know how I corresponded with her. If they asked, I'd tell them. They know it's via the internet, they don't know its TCS, they assumed e-mail.
post #18 of 21
I think you just need to be yourself. Going there expecting the worst is not good either IMO. Be open yourself to her parents - you may be surprised because you don't really know what she has told them about you.

FWIW, our daughter, soon to be 28 still lives at home with us because she honestly cannot afford to live on her own even though she has a pretty good job. By the time she pays car loan, insurance, her own food, she doesn't have a whole lot left over.

She has a boyfriend but does spend a lot of time with us which I love.
post #19 of 21
I think it's kind of weird that she's 30 and lying to her parents about who she's dating, too. I'm 19 and in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend is 23 and lives on his own, and I'm hoping to be living together with him here in the next couple of months. We get together often, and I've spent plenty of time with his family, and he's spent some time with my family, too.. and we all get along great. I can't imagine how things would be if we tried hiding everything or lying about it.
post #20 of 21
lol well, lets see.
just about every date, and my wife has come from internet dating. Since 1984.
THe wife also did the lie thing about where we frist ran into each other. So i guess i was interenet dating from the start lol.

As for meeting the family,
my advice is skip it, your dating her, not her family.
post #21 of 21
It isn't just the living home at 30 thing. Hey, I'm 48 and moved back in with my ailing, elderly mom to take care of her - this in the house I grew up in!

It's all of the puzzle pieces laid out by Algebrapro in his description of things that sends up red flags for me.
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