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Tough situation - need advice (long post!)

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
I have a friend I have known for over 9 years. Our friendship has been filled with ups and downs since the start. This person has screwed me over bad 2 times in the 9 years I have known him. This person has only ever been a friend, there was never anything romantic between us.

The first time I didn't speak to him for over a year. I am of the belief "forgive but never forget"...so I forgave him but knew I could never trust this person again with any personal information at all. He essentially worked for me on a project, and had admin rights to many different parts of things we were working on. He thought, because we were friends he could do anything he wanted and not be reprimanded. He had a problem with someone else we were working with, and I told him not to do anything irrational that he still had to be professional. Well, he ended up having words with this other guy, after I specificaly told him not to. He did not like me telling him that he screwed up and proceeded to delete websites, databases, folders...you name it.

So fast forward to about a year and a half later. I was living in Orlando at the time, he came down to visit, got him free tickets to the parks and let him stay at my apartment for free. We go to Islands of Adventure. I had on Adidas flip flop slides...and it was so hot outside that my shoes literally melted and fell apart. I had just paid rent and utilities and was next to broke. I told him we would have to head home and come back so I could get new shoes. Well HE offers to buy me new shoes ( I did not ask him and told him I could not pay him back ) but he insists and wanted to stay at the park so I said ok then. Later that night, he was on my balcony smoking and talking on the phone, and I over hear him bitching about me to a friend on the phone about how he had to buy me shoes and that he would never see that money again, among other things. So I confronted him, told him I heard every word and told him to get out of my house.

Fast forward to about 2 years later. His Mother died 8 years before, on St Patrick's Day, and he always gets really stressed out and depressed around then. For WHATEVER stupid reason I emailed him to see if he was ok. We started talking again, and everything was ok, I kept him at a distance. Then I moved up here to MA, he lives in NH it is a short distance from here.

Since his Mom died, his attitude has been horrible, he is probably THE most negative person I know and have ever known. He hates new people, anyone I introduce him to he finds a reason to hate them or be jealous of them. Every friend I have he is jealous of. My boyfriend and I are (were) his only friends, and his whole family pretty much disowned him.

I have had several talks with him about his attitude and negativity. It seems like things will change for a while then he goes right back to it. He also owed us $2500.00 and took advantage of that situation, not paying us back as he was supposed to. Finally enough was enough, he had done some things and said some stuff I didn't like about my best friend and I had to call it quits.

This was about a month ago. I told him EVERY reason why I would no longer be his friend, and let him have it about paying us back the money he owed us. He didn't try to apologize or make up excuses for his behaviour.

NOW here is the part I need advice with. His Father has had stage 4 prostate cancer for about 5 years now. He lives with him and takes care of him. Well about 2 weeks after I told him to take a hike, his Father went into the hospital with pneumonia. The situation progressed, and he is now on a ventilator and cannot breathe on his own. He has a DnR for 14 days, if he shows no improvements he is going to be taken off the ventilator. He contacted my boyfriend (who I guess thinks isn't mad at him, he thinks its just me thats angry) and is going on and on about how he can't deal with this, he is freaking out, breaking down etc etc.

I have been hurt and abused by this person for too long. Now, of all times, his Dad is dying. What should I do? He has no other friends, and his family all hate him. I don't want him to try to use this as an excuse to worm his way back into my life again, but I would feel like a total piece of crap if I turned my back He expects us to go up there for his Dad's funeral if he does pass, and is asking my boyfriend if I would be willing to "put everything aside" and come up there right now to help him through it.

What do I do!???
post #2 of 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyy View Post
I don't want him to try to use this as an excuse to worm his way back into my life again, but I would feel like a total piece of crap if I turned my back
It seems to me that you have already answered your question

For me, I'm all about chances and helping those in need, even old friends who were not such good friends at the time.

No one should be alone when they are grieving and going through a really rough time, especially the death of a parent.

He's extending an olive branch. Why not take it? You can be friends at "arms length". You know how this person can be and have learned lessons through the school of hard knocks. So be his friend, not his banker. Be nice but firm if he asks if he can borrow money because you already know you won't ever get it back. So far as the money he has already borrowed? It's a write off.
post #3 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
It seems to me that you have already answered your question

For me, I'm all about chances and helping those in need, even old friends who were not such good friends at the time.

No one should be alone when they are grieving and going through a really rough time, especially the death of a parent.

He's extending an olive branch. Why not take it? You can be friends at "arms length". You know how this person can be and have learned lessons through the school of hard knocks. So be his friend, not his banker. Be nice but firm if he asks if he can borrow money because you already know you won't ever get it back. So far as the money he has already borrowed? It's a write off.


Everyone I know in my life, that knows this guy, has told me "how many 2nd chances are you going to give this jerk". I know for a fact I no longer want to be this persons friend.

He is dropping hints to my boyfriend about us coming up for the funeral. I am willing to talk to him on the phone, but I honestly don't want to go to the funeral. We wouldn't be IN this situation if he hadn't done the things he has to me in the past. Sometimes enough is enough and you have to draw the line. Does it make me a bad person if I don't go to his Dad's funeral? He is the kind of person who will use this situation to get what he wants out of us, that much I know.
post #4 of 12
Im sorry but Im not about second chances.
Burn me once and youre done. Its a little weird that I can cut people off just like that but anyhow.
This person is not a healthy person for you to be around. If the person makes you unhappy and causes conflict in your life then you should let it go. He can see a counselor if he doesnt have friends. If he wants friends then maybe you finally giving him the boot for good will make him realize that he needs to change his ways. I try to look at things like this "If I do this will I regret it/If I dont do this will I regret it."
And no, if you dont want to go to the funeral dont go, it wont make you a bad person if you stand up for yourself and how you feel.
Good luck : )
post #5 of 12
If something were happening in your life, would he extend the olive branch? Probably not. This guy is a user. While what is happening with his dad is a tragedy, and maybe this sounds harsh, but that's not really your problem. He's proven himself to be a bad friend over and over again. If your BF wants to go help him, let him, but you make your own decisions. Just don't let him lend the guy any money.
post #6 of 12
I agree with Linda -- when the situation is life and death, nothing else matters for the moment. This is a time for setting that stuff aside.

Do the right thing, be the person you want to be and know you should be, and help this guy through the crisis. You would probably do that much for a stranger, so do it for this sometime friend.

Just don't let him borrow money, don't let him stay with you, don't make any commitments beyond being there if he rings your phone and needs someone to talk to.

And yes, I think you should go to the funeral, if it's not a great financial hardship to do so. In the long run, you'll feel better if you do.

What it comes down to is this: I believe in basing my treatment of others not on how they treat me, but on what kind of person I want to be. It's a view that generally holds you to a higher standard... but ever since I started living that way, I've had far fewer regrets, and I've been able to hold my head up a little higher. I really recommend it.
post #7 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MonaxLisa View Post
Im sorry but Im not about second chances.
Burn me once and youre done. Its a little weird that I can cut people off just like that but anyhow.
This person is not a healthy person for you to be around. If the person makes you unhappy and causes conflict in your life then you should let it go. He can see a counselor if he doesnt have friends. If he wants friends then maybe you finally giving him the boot for good will make him realize that he needs to change his ways. I try to look at things like this "If I do this will I regret it/If I dont do this will I regret it."
And no, if you dont want to go to the funeral dont go, it wont make you a bad person if you stand up for yourself and how you feel.
Good luck : )

I have struggled for the past 3 years, asking myself why I am still friends with this person when all they do is hurt me over and over again, and make me miserable with their negativity. It felt REALLY good when I told him I was done with him for good last month. I felt like I had lifted a major burden off my shoulders.

He thinks, because we always talked about "when" his Dad dies, that I will come up there for the funeral no matter what. Well, I really don't feel I should have to under these circumstances. And at the same time I feel bad about it, when I KNOW I shouldn't. And he keeps pestering my boyfriend in text messages and leaving him voice mails with "updates" on his Dad to try to make me feel guilty. *sigh*
post #8 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by clixpix View Post
If something were happening in your life, would he extend the olive branch? Probably not. This guy is a user.
The answer to that is no, because I would not WANT him there if something were happening in my life honestly.
post #9 of 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyy View Post
I know for a fact I no longer want to be this persons friend.
Then you have the answer to your question.
post #10 of 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
What it comes down to is this: I believe in basing my treatment of others not on how they treat me, but on what kind of person I want to be. It's a view that generally holds you to a higher standard... but ever since I started living that way, I've had far fewer regrets, and I've been able to hold my head up a little higher. I really recommend it.
I agree completely. It seems you and I share quite a bit in common.
post #11 of 12
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
I agree completely. It seems you and I share quite a bit in common.
You are generally right. I try to be the best person and friend I can be to all my friends, even after they have screwed me over. But I am struggling right now with myself over this. Part of me wants to be there, but I am scared to get involved again. And part of me thinks that enough is enough, and I will lose self respect for going back to someone who just keeps using me and walking all over me. I really don't think it's "kindness" when someone is clearly just taking advantage of someone else.

He cannot treat people the way he does, and then expect them to come when he comes calling. He has no friends and his family dislikes him for good reasons. Losing a loved one is a BIG deal, and I realize that, which is why this is such a tough situation for me. But I can't keep on holding his hand and comforting him forever. I would be willing to talk to him on the phone. But he will be sad for a long time to come, how long will he keep playing the sympathy card is what I wonder.
post #12 of 12
My thoughts on this will probably sound pretty harsh, but I was involved with a person very similar to this.

While I agree with the statement "be the person you want to be" and also "do onto others as you would have them do onto you", in this case I don't think either apply. Not supporting him in order to keep from being emotionally harmed yourself is not being a bad or nasty person.

There are TOXIC people in this world and no amount of kind behavior changes them. It is NOT your responsibility to support him through this. He has repeatedly shown you that he thinks you are a doormat to use the way he sees fit.

Continually allowing him to abuse you in this manner is being an enabler. Which says you don't think very highly of yourself. The reason you felt so good when you told him goodbye forever the last time, is because you stood up for yourself.

If you are seriously concerned about his wellbeing, give him the number for low cost grief counseling or 1-800 suicide hotline. Tell him you don't want anything bad to happen to him, but as you have already explained he is detrimental to your wellbeing and under no circumstances can you have him in your life. Give him the phone numbers and kindly tell him you hope he calls and gets the help and support he needs.
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