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I got another letter from my Biological father

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
ok I know you all must be sick of hearing about this by now so I'll just update this last time. I recieved a second letter from my 'father' and recognized a lot of my mothers alcoholism in it. In fact, he sounds drunk writing it ~ a lot of cliche`s and sayings and pointing out the obvious. I hate that! Especially in writing! it's so ... MOM'ish! (LOL) And he's obviously going to play the victim in all of what happened, so I'm not going to ask him anymore. I know my mom is rude and manipulative and all the rest of it, but he couldn't have totally been the victim. right? They were both young and drunk and in a tough situation. so, whatever. *sigh* I can hear my mom in the back of my head screaming negativities (a result of growing up with a negative drunk) it's something that I thought was normal until a few years ago and I'm finding it hard to be rid of.

Any thoughts?? Thanks.
post #2 of 19
Tamme, keep your upper chin up, lady!

You sound so strong, firm and full of character.

i would suggest praying for them and just spending quality time with them. i wonder if you live close to them?

i can add a prayer for you, and hope that they will kick off their bad habits.

By the way, Tamme, my Daisy was born on 19th of June, 2001. So, you can be sure i will remember your birthday.

Take care of yourself, Tamme!

Stay healthy and safe. :


Cheers!
post #3 of 19
If all he is interested in doing is rehashing old hurt at your expense, then I wouldn't have the time for him.
post #4 of 19
I haven't kept up on all of your posts about this, but I must say I hope you are getting something that you wanted out of all this contact.
As I might have told you before, my fiance is not our daughters real daughter, her dad is pretty much a dead beat. Though I hear things from him and his new fiance here and there, sometimes I wonder, if my daughter will be you one day and her dad being your dad, sending these letters.
Her father too, trys to play the innocent at times, specially as of recent remarks I've been informed he has told others, but never me, in an attempt to protect himself and make me look like the bad guy (isn't this how it always goes.) But at the same time, there was a time I sat here calling him many words I cannot here, and he responded with "yes I know I am, I'm a horrible person."

Would I really be gaining anything by my daughter having contact with her blood father? Are you gaining from your contact?
post #5 of 19
Tamme, I don't have any advice, but don't feel like you can't talk about this here. I would like to think that most of the people here are friends and that we can support each other when we go through times that aren't easy for us.
post #6 of 19
no one that i know of is sick of hearing vents from members tamme and where else are you going to work through this. i would bet many here have their own experiences dealing with drunken loved ones past and present. it sounds to me like your biological father might just be as toxic to your good blood now that alcohol is to his own blood. i lived with an alcoholic for 10 years and even after they are sober for a long time, they still have problems dealing in the reality of the disease.

you have to follow your heart on this one, but i hope you know that your path can be helped and supported by cyberfriends along the way.
post #7 of 19
I've dealt with this kind of thing, for years. I haven't seen my biological father, in 30 years. His loss!

My son, Mark's father hasn't been around, since Mark was born. We had to deal with a lot of issues because of that. Mark was wanting to track him down, 12 years ago and I had sit him down and talk to him about some stuff, that I really didn't want to have to hit him with.

I don't know if I did the right thing, for Mark but everything was done to protect him.

You'll have to do what's right for you. I do feel for you, though.
post #8 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by pohchoowan
By the way, Tamme, my Daisy was born on 19th of June, 2001. So, you can be sure i will remember your birthday.
Actually that's my wedding anniversary, my birthday is Aug. 19th.
Quote:
Originally posted by Deb25
If all he is interested in doing is rehashing old hurt at your expense, then I wouldn't have the time for him.
He's not interested in that I think, he said multiple times in the letter "Do you want to open this can of worms" Ack! another cliche. So I don't think he wants to, but he will if I push him to, which I won't.
Quote:
Originally posted by AngelzOO
Would I really be gaining anything by my daughter having contact with her blood father? Are you gaining from your contact? [/b]
If your daughter wants contact with her 'real' father, then she should do it only when she's ready and not a minute before. She might gain somesatisfaction that there is a person behind the name and a family...but that's her decision and she needs to protect herself when the time comes.
Thanks WillieWZ and Hissy, that makes me feel better.
Quote:
Originally posted by katl8e
My son, Mark's father hasn't been around, since Mark was born. We had to deal with a lot of issues because of that. Mark was wanting to track him down, 12 years ago and I had sit him down and talk to him about some stuff, that I really didn't want to have to hit him with.
How old is your son??? My husband tried to track his father down in his teenage years and his father didn't want anything to do with him, even to this day, if Darrell doesn't have his 'real' last name, his father won't talk to him. Just the other day we were in a grocery store and we walked right past him, saw each other but didn't say anything, what a jerk! Hopefully my experience with talking to my father will go better....
post #9 of 19
Mark turned 25, yesterday. I remarried when Mark was 8 1/2. Russ was going to adopt Mark (by mutual desire) but he died before we could get it done.

It bugged Mark, when his older brother, Richard, spent time with HIS dad and it was hard for me to explain the situation to him.
post #10 of 19
Tamme, first and foremost we are NOT sick of hearing about any of this. We care about you, I care about you! That's what friends do, they listen to each other and have a shoulder to lean on when you need it.

After all that, I really don't have much advice for you. You have to follow your heart. Weigh the pros and cons of continuing a relationship with him. It sounds like you are very wary of him, and you certainly have every right to be. Like we said before, don't ever do anything you aren't comfortable with.
post #11 of 19
It takes a lot of courage to confront something like this from your past. Good for you for actually reaching out rather than always wondering 'what if'.

At this point, you really have to decide on your own whether there is more to gain rather than more heartache. Either way, do what you think you need in order to satisfy your heart. This experience may not be exactly what you hoped for, but it may finally put to rest the questions and uncertainties from your past.




post #12 of 19
Tamme you can post about this anytime you want...what are friends for? I am sorry he seems to be so negative and saying all these bad things about your mom. I had hoped something good would come from this, but actually I guess it did, since you got to have some contact with your grandma!
post #13 of 19
Tamme, I just have to add to what others have already said - we are NOT sick of this and expect to be here for you if you need it!

I have no experience with this, but my heart reaches out to you. I'm so bummed for you that he still appears to be an alcoholic. You've handled this whole thing so smartly, though, and I really applaud your courage. !!!!!!

I agree with Debby - the contact with your grandma seems worth it all. I'm sorry I don't have any advice about what to do next. Until your heart comes up with something, I don't think you need to do anything.

But please don't ever think we don't want to hear about anything you want or need to talk about!!!!

If nothing else, we're here for hugs.



post #14 of 19
Thread Starter 
[size=large]You're all so nice, thank-you so much for your support! I wrote him back and I'll send it out tomorrow or this evening... I don't think he'll get it very soon because he's on the road a lot as a trucker - BOTH my 'real' dad and 'step' dad are truckers, isn't that funny?!

I decided to send the printed version of the letter rather than re-do it in handwriting because I forgot to change the setting from picture quality to normal quality and so it's a really good print, so I'll just send that. I like doing my rough copies on the computer because of the spelling tools and the ability to copy and paste and everything else, no waste of paper.

I agree that getting to know my grandmother is a good benefit to keeping in contact. So is finding out what genetic defects we have in our blood ie; dementia, alzeimers, heart disease...etc.

Again, thanks again guys for letting me feel comfortable enough to share this life changing event. It's so exciting to get a letter from someone you don't know but who is related to you somehow. Well, getting any letters in the mail is super exciting! lol

Thanks again.
[/size]
post #15 of 19
Hey, Tamme!

i am just glad you are smiling again. Your sharing was very tender.


i am happy you wrote that letter, it reflects a lot of sweetness!

In chinese culture (i was born in Singapore, but still pretty traditional) we believe in filial piety quite abit, things like respecting elders, taking care of parents when they are old, etc.

i am glad you did what you did!

Take care of yourself, Tamme!

Cheers!

p.s. i watched "The Ring" this afternoon, and it was gruesome!
post #16 of 19
Thread Starter 
I've seen the ring too. whoa, when that girl came through the t.v. I nearly wet myself!:disturbed
post #17 of 19
i got scared with the well scene, and little scenes here-there.

Personally, i like animation the most: i really like Monsters Inc. and Winnie the Pooh. My favorite character is Stitch.

My hubby loves to pay to get scared! He is always renting horror stuff -- from both American and Asian movie rental premises.

The scariest movie i saw was "the exorcist", and i could not sleep the entire night!! :eye&mouth:

Cheers!
post #18 of 19
Thread Starter 
GurlPower, it seems you and me are a lot alike. I love animated movies too. I like Disnep and other animating companies latest stuff like Mulan and A Bug's Life. Darrell likes scary movies too. I don't get it, but he likes them.
post #19 of 19
i was wondering if horror movies are ego-boosters? Only God knows!! :LOL:

Forgot to mention i adore classic, old movies as well.. mostly the black and white ones - i really like casablanca.

i know the new Winnie the Pooh is out, but i don't go to movies much these days - i prefer to watch movies in the privacy of my home (able to pause and play as much as i like, you know, go retrieve a drink, go to the loo, go play with the kitties, etc, etc.) It is just the way i am, even though i love the spectacular of the big screen in the movie theatres (which i feel is irreplacable, i just prefer to watch in the comfort of my own home.)

Yeah, Tamme, we are alike in interests in movies and hubby movie interests: i wonder why he likes to pay to get scared like that? Anyway, my friend recommended a cool new Japanese animation: Spiri Away. So, if you have the chance, you gotta get hold of this.

Cheers!
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