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dealing with pent up anger and stress *long post!*

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
im going too have too spill my past out too let people understand why it is i have a stressed and upsetting past.. its not the worst i know others have had it worse.. but i need too learn how too handle stress as all pointers point too depression but i refuse point blank too go to the doctor for it!

When i was a little girl (7-8) my mum left my dad no warning no nothing just disapeared.. she didnt get intouch for months on end leaving me and my sister (iona) alone and upset not really understanding where she went...
after we got used too the fact our mother had abondoned us, she came back pregnant my father (graham) being the sap he is took her back...
we moved house just a few blocks up from the original house, mum had caitlin my youngest sister...

i had started being bullied in mums absence for being the noisy child at school, i was noisy as i felt the need too make my presence known and i was at that age anyway...

mum 7-8months after caitlin was born started on chatrooms flirting with other men...
she and dad would argue every night loudly!
she then filed for a divorce when my youngest sister was 9 months and left!

my dad began too go into depression; id look after my 2 sisters day and night feeding them while dad would just cry all day!

mum settled and we were allowed hourly visits once a week...
by this time i hated her for what shed done too dad!

she and i began too patch things up i had grown up and learnt to forgive (age 11-12 now)..
she moved out with her new fancy man our visits became monthly...

the third visit too her we were introduced too the "nice man upstairs"
shed warn me too watch him (not understanding what she ment)
we(all 3 of us sisters) used too go up and make little mach stick models!

i cant type into that too much he was a peodophile and he abused me and threatned hed do it too my sister iona if i told...
one day i told mum and he was arrested...

At age 13 i became an angry young girl and just took all anger out on my dad who had met a new woman...
oneday i left moved in with my mum....
i was always in trouble slipped in with the wrong crowds at school and regularly got beaten up i felt the need too fit in so i turned to drugs and drink...
my mum changed me too another school and the bullying carried on i used too take bottles of port and vodka or any alcohol i could get in and get drunk on the bus on the way too school!

too make it worse dad got rid of my dog that i used too talk too about everything i used too cry myself too sleep on her!
i found myself cutting my wrists and overdosing too escape the pain of life!

i met ricky via a friend and he pulled me out of the gutter dusted me off and turned me around because of him i got 3-4 GCSE's!

but thats the story, but i still find i get mad and get that same hate for myself as i did when i tried too overdose or cut.......
yet i dont know why im happy with ricky i love the life i have!
how do i handle this anger at myself?
post #2 of 17
Honey, the only thing I can tell you is talk to someone professional. We can listen to you if you want to vent, scream, cry....but, I think you need more than that to get you past this. I'm not a professional, but I would say you went through MUCH more than anyone should be expected to go through at such a young age.

Going to someone to help them work you through this is not a sign of weakness, or a sign that you are crazy. Believe me, a LOT of people here have found a professional to talk to. It's good to have a third party to get everything out, and you have a lot to get out.

In the mean time, we are here for you. . I personally feel honored that you trusted us enough to share this. That is a big step.

If you need someone to talk to, we're here, and my pm box is always open.
post #3 of 17
You have been through so much for such a young girl. It always breaks my heart to see and know children to be put in situations that drastically impact them in such a negative way

Hanging on to the negative part of your past can really hold you back in life. You realize what happened and why, which is really perceptive of you, so now you can move on and make your life absolutely anything that you want it to be. My motto is "Its your life, make it delicious" Make it the absolute best life that you can.

Thank God you have Ricky that was there to pull you up.
post #4 of 17
I just reread your post, and the last part, I thought was part of your sig, so I kind of skipped over it, and I'm sorry for that.

Why do you hate yourself?? You are a beautiful, strong woman that had terrible things done to you, and witnessed so much, and NONE of that was your fault. You didn't ask for any of that.

When you were younger you dealt with things the way that made sense to a 13 year old. Were they good choices? No, but we've all made bad choices in the past, believe me. But we deal with things the only way we can at the time to keep ourselves sane at the time. As they say, hind sight is 20/20. I will say again, you didn't do anything wrong!

You found someone to make you happy. There is nothing wrong with being happy, and don't question or try to analyze it. Enjoy it, and gather strength from him.
post #5 of 17
It is very freeing to realize that the bad things that happened to you as a child were not your fault. They could not possibly be, you were an innocent and the adults in your life should have known better.

You should be angry. Feelings are honest and you have every reason to be outraged. You never really had a mother; not the kind of mother everybody is supposed to have. You didn't really have a childhood, either. The kind of responsibility that you had should never be on a child's shoulders. It's completely and totally unfair.

You need to mourn the loss of your childhood, the loss of the mother you should have had, and grieve for what you lost. But you must remember that none of it was your fault, and you should not punish yourself.

The good news is that you can take your life wherever you want now. What you went through has made you the capable, caring person you are today. You will always carry your experiences with you, but whether you carry them as a victim or you carry them as an extremely strong person is up to you.

I agree that therapy can help. You don't need to tell the therapist your whole story (that's too exhausting and not necessary). You only have to talk about what you want to say that day. The therapist should help you realize things you didn't, and help you bring out feelings you didn't even know were there. If he/she doesn't do that, get another therapist.

If you can't see someone right now, I suggest browsing through the self-help section of the library. It may sound corny, but reading about others who have gone through similar things helps A LOT.

Does this sound like your mother? http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/six.html

Take heart, you can get through this. The horrible things that happened in your childhood (and how you reacted to them) were not your fault; they were out of your control. Where you take your life now, that is your responsibility and your choice. And that's a very good thing, because with a start like you had, life is only going to get better. I say this from experience.

Please PM me if you want to talk. I sending many good wishes for you. Like Pami said, there are lots of delicious things to life; please allow yourself to find them. You deserve it.
post #6 of 17
I had an ex boyfriend like that, his mother got pregnant to his father and left him, she got married to another guy and had 3 children, left him and the children to be with someone else, my ex bf looked after his youngest sister and took days off from school, he was then put into fostercare and that mentally screwed him up. While her mother left the bunch she went off with that other guy and got pregnant again. After 7 years with that guy she kicked him out And has a new fling.

Now my ex has a child, its a year old and he doesn't know how to be a parent. He just wants to get rid of his current gf and get her to take the baby with her so he doesn't have to deal with it.

Please get help, you might seem fine now, but when little delicate things come by you will not be able to handle them like you would want them.
You don't need to go to the doctor you can just go to a councillor or to a psychologist. They really do help!
post #7 of 17
Originally Posted by calico2222 View Post
the only thing I can tell you is talk to someone professional
People here will always listen and lend their shoulders to lean on, but no one here has the experience for the help you need which is to get to the root of your problem.
post #8 of 17
Thread Starter 
Thankyou all!
we really dont have the income for me too see a councillor and i dont know if im still able too get a it free on the NHS rosiemac youll know!

ricky is a darling and has supported me soo much but i really need help with this as im sure hell admit too!
thankyou all (sorry ill do a longer post later im off too baby sit)

sarcastic "Happy clap">>>
post #9 of 17
You should be able to get it free. My office manager is a qualified counsellor on abuse and her's is a voluntary organisation in the North East so theres bound to be something similar in your area. Try googling?
post #10 of 17
Chrissy these guys are right,but remember one thing,, that i will always be here for you to vent your anger on,ive told you many times its far better out than you holding it in,at times we all need someone to vent our anger on and im the one for you,you know i'll listen if you want to talk and i'll keep quiet whan you just want to shout at someone,thats because i love you with all my heart and i always will
post #11 of 17
Awww. You two are so fortunate to have found each other.

Chrissy, please do try to get into therapy if you can -- it can really help you understand yourself better, and it can also help you make sure none of this history ever comes between you and Ricky... or any other loved one.
post #12 of 17
It is good that you have given a voice to all the terrible things that happened to you. I will not go in to it, but we have had many of the same experiences, made some of the same bad choices.
My SO, even though we have been through some rough times in our 23 year relationship has been my rock, and has also given me the tools to stand on my own 2 feet, and ask for help when I need it. It sounds as though Ricky is much the same way. My SO had a rough young life, and we went through our healing together. Therapy has been good in many ways, even if it just makes you realize those things that happened to you were in no way your fault. You must forgive yourself for thinking that they were, and that can be difficult. It took me awhile to realize I did nothing wrong, even after I grew up and made bad decisions, they were influenced by what had happened to me, and I had to learn what was my doing, and what was not. It was almost like having to grow up all over again. It was absolutely worth it. Even through some recent rough times, I am a happy, clean, recently sober 49 year old woman. You are still young enough to have many good years ahead of you. It sounds like a huge task, but once you take the first step, and get into the right direction, it gets better and better, and easier since you have a direction. Please, please, please, check in to getting some help. We are all pilling for you. If you need to pm me, please do, I will be glad to help in any way I can. I will be away at a wedding until Tuesday, so if you pm me, I am not ignoring you. Best of luck to you! You can do this.
post #13 of 17
Thread Starter 
Thankyou all im struggling too find any groups or anything in stupid wales... aint that typical.. but i think i am going too sort out this or at least sort of...
oart the trouble is not knowing my real dad (graham just bought me up)
and most of you would have read my thread about finding him!
well i have his brother and sisters adress.. but just keep writing drafts and nothing seems right!
but my mum (i managed too have a civil conversation with her)
said that theyd both want too know me his sister especially... but were not sure whether real dad is dead or jailed (either is very likely!)

but its what i need too do theres questions that need answering!
your all so kind and supportive ill need all your support and help and ideas thanks again guys!
post #14 of 17
aww hunni, i agree you do need to speak to a professional. i'll alway's be here, if you want to talk aswel, & you know that. Ricky's right, don't bottle thing's up, it's the worse thing you can do! i'd know all about that, am alway's keeping thing's bottled up! i wish i had somebody to talk to about my problem's, i really do.

anyway's, lot's of hug's coming your way!
post #15 of 17
Originally Posted by pixietina View Post
im struggling too find any groups or anything in stupid wales...
You need to speak to your GP because they'll have a list of groups that they can refer you to.
post #16 of 17
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
You need to speak to your GP because they'll have a list of groups that they can refer you to.
ill go asap its bank holiday till monday ill go tuesday
post #17 of 17
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
You need to speak to your GP because they'll have a list of groups that they can refer you to.

^^ this definitely. It might take a bit of time, but your GP can usually get you in touch with some anger management counselling or even a good psychiatrist. I used to be the same way as you when I was 18 and keeping everything inside is not healthy because it just ends up messing with your wellbeing and can end up messing up the relationships that you have because you just end up bottling everything up and resenting the hell out of the person that has made you feel that way.

Good luck for Tuesday!
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