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Ladies!! Its not that bad is it? Mild content warning

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on......

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next
few hours:

'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
'cold wax' kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your
hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your
leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip
across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of
my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down
to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!

Blinded from pain!!!!....

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe............ OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me
so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that
is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped
upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run
the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-
covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???


I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
wax off with a razor .

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,
glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the
sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for
this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to
lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!! It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE........ALL OF IT! So I
recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......
post #2 of 15
Haha, was this an email forward? I think my mom had sent me that before, but it's so funny the mental picture it creates! And I had a somewhat similar experience with home-waxing and afterwards decided never to curse my razor again because it could be so much worse! Let's just say, thank God I decided to test it out months BEFORE my 2 week trip to the shore

Since I've stuck with the good ol razor, I will pass on a tip I just recently picked up for "fixing" razor burn - just slap on some Gold Bond Medicated Powder - I had put it on before bed and the red bumpies were gone by morning! I should go buy stock in Gold Bond cuz I'm pretty sure it's going to be my best friend this summer
post #3 of 15
Oh it is not nice to make a pregnant woman laugh so hard!!
post #4 of 15
LMFAO!!! have read that many times, but still funny as hell!
post #5 of 15

I strongly recommend that you switch to body sugaring Way less painful and doesn't glue your bits together! And the best part? It washes off with warm water

post #6 of 15

post #7 of 15
I've gotten that as a forward many times, very funny
post #8 of 15
LMAO, that lady won't be having relations for awhile.
post #9 of 15
I'll just stick to using a razor. Much easier!
post #10 of 15
good Lord, I laughed so hard I made the hole in my mouth bleed.....but oh, so worth it!
post #11 of 15
Never read that before but passed it on to some friends!!
post #12 of 15
OMG I laughed so hard I cried!!
post #13 of 15
Very Funny
post #14 of 15
Oh my gosh, I'm like sputtering with laughter here -- that's the funniest thing I've read in ages! And all the more so because I know, from my own long-ago cold-wax experience, how wretchedly accurate it really is. Thanks so much for sharing!
post #15 of 15
There is a reason I don't wax!
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