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A question for women who...

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
lost a baby, fetus, child... whether it may be tubal, abortion, or misscarriage or stillbirth?

Have you changed since the event?

I was pretty hurt last night by my collegues/friends who I thought would understand because they are 30+ and they are in a fase that they all want children.

We were all at a going away party, I was very happy preparing the foods for my friend so she could socialise. I did this volountarely and she really appreciated it.

Towards the end of the night other friends told me that i was boring because i wasnt dancing, and that they think I have changed because Trav is here with me.
They havent realised that since my loss and they knew about it that I dont feel like partying wildly, i dont feel like getting trashed just to dance to some music that i dont even really enjoy.
Most of them tried to put the blame on my shoes because they were new and i wouldnt take them off.

I am just upset at the things they have said to me, such as "oh youre so young its good that you lost it" " you dont need children yet you can party as much as you like!" (personally i dont think 21 is too young)


I dont know whether this is a hormonal phase, or if its just that i need more time to heal mentally I mean it has been 6 months. Or just maybe they have some of their own problems that result in being nasty, even though they may not mean it.


I would just like to hear your experiences, if you dont feel confortable expressing it freely just PM me.


p.s sorry if it doesnt make sense. I havent given all the details because everything is just running through my head and i have a headache
post #2 of 21
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like you've just changed perspectives, realized that there's more to it than just partying.

People heal at their own pace, don't rush yourself. I can't imagine how upsetting it would be. I had a miscarriage, if you can even call it that, when I was 18 before I even knew I was pregnant-- at that time when a lot of pregnancies end before anyone knows it ever was, probably around 3 weeks. I just happened to be paying attention and noticed, and that was still pretty upsetting.

Maybe your friends really don't understand how you are feeling. A lot of times people get that condescending attitude towards people our age and they act like that without realizing that we aren't just young and stupid and also that things that they might be better able to cope with are still a big deal to us.
post #3 of 21
I am sorry that happened. Sorry for your loss. You will take time to heal, it was a loss of life. Hugs to you!

My mom lost one in the first trimester, she still had other children - before the loss, and after. But she still talks about it, many years later, it WAS a loss and it was tragic. Any loss is, even more so when it is a child in your own body I would think.

I am not a mom and have went thru nothing when it comes to babies in my body but I can sure understand why you would need time to heal and find their remarks offensive, their remarks were thoughtless.
post #4 of 21
After we lost our baby, people said insensitive things, because they didn't know what to say and were trying to make me feel better. Unless you've been through it, you can't understand what it feels like.

I feel like a different person since our stillbirth, I feel like I'm a little more reserved and not quite as carefree. Maybe that'll come back, and part of it is probably from having gone through heart surgery as well, but I don't know.

I certainly know my next pregnancy will not be as happy and exciting as the last one.
post #5 of 21
I also miscarried at three weeks. The only reason I knew I was pregnant was because we chart my cycles. I was so excited to see that my temp wasn't changing and was getting more excited day by day. It is a terrible loss and a lot of people don't understand it. You should take all the time that you need to grieve the loss of your baby. There is a group in the US called SHARE that was very helpful for me.
post #6 of 21
it's been nearly a year now for me...

...i still havn't forgotten, it's with you forever! people like that just don't understand what it's like. you will heal in time, but it'll never be forgotten!

am 21 myself, & i'd rather have a baby now than when am in my 30's!
post #7 of 21
I can't believe that your friends were so immature, insensitive, inconsiderate, and just childish. That just tells me right there that they have no consideration for your feelings or your situation.

Because you did lose a baby at such a young age, it does not mean it is any less important than if you were to lose one at 25, 30, or 35. I think that your friends really need to grow up and take on more responsibility than "just partying". After all, life is too short and there are more important things to consider in life.

I'm sorry that you have had this happen, but you may want to reconsider and and find out if these really are your friends. A real friend is there for you in the good times and the bad and would never be this selfish.

This will be a part of your life that you will never forget, but you will be able to move on, with time and patience. I hope that in time you will see that you do change as a person and that is because we learn from our experiences and events that happen in our life.
post #8 of 21
So sorry about that. I gave up on trying because I never could get past 3 Months. My Cousin lost a Baby Girl when she was 9 Months Preg and the Dr said do not get preg again she had lost 7 before that. She got preg with Jessie beacause she was desperate to have Kids and he was Premature and had alot of problems. He is about 32 now and is alot better. Do not let your friends talk to you like that. My Sister got Preg with her first Son at 19. My Mom was your age when she was Preg with me. Your friends are Imature. I never even went to Partys when I was your age.
post #9 of 21
While I can't completely understand your loss, I CAN put it in terms that most people can at least get their head around.

Imagine you received a letter that you were going to receive a new free Corvette in a few weeks. Think how you'd get the advertising brochures to see what colors were available, what the equipment was like, etc. You'd look up videos of Corvettes on youtube, you'd admire them as you drove past them, you'd probably go to a dealership to sit in one, you'd perk up when you saw one on TV.

Imagine this going on for several weeks, then suddenly getting a letter that the whole thing was a hoax. Ha ha.

Imagine that disappointment. Even the guys should be able to understand a little.
post #10 of 21
It's been 28 years (this month) since I lost my only pregnancy. I don't dwell on it, but I've never forgotten it. Some people can be very insensitive.
post #11 of 21
I lost my first one toward the end of august last year...I havent been the same since...Im not sure I ever will be. It seems like there is a part of me missing and at times I just break down and cry especially when I see a newborn baby. I would have been due March 15 of this year that day was especially hard for me My S-I-L said well its been plenty of time you should be more then over it by now...this was when we were at the hospital holding my friend Toris newborn Camron...He was beautiful but all I could do was cry. Tori stepped in and told her that she could not imagine what she would have done if she had lost Camron . But still my S-I-L does not get it. The pain is unreal I am doing much better now most days are great but they arent the same I have a new look on life now. I agree with Sarah that my next pregnancy will not be as exciting as the first two I lost because I know how easy it is to miscarry.
post #12 of 21
I think your loss has led you to a level of maturity your friends just haven't achieved yet... and perhaps some of them never will. I'm so sorry for the things they said to you. It's hard to imagine such an utter lack of sensitivity.

It sounds to me like you have indeed changed -- for the better.
post #13 of 21
Wow Fran, I had no idea you went through that I am very sorry..and even more sorry that your friends are not supportive.
post #14 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
I think your loss has led you to a level of maturity your friends just haven't achieved yet... and perhaps some of them never will. I'm so sorry for the things they said to you. It's hard to imagine such an utter lack of sensitivity.

It sounds to me like you have indeed changed -- for the better.
i've never been pregnant, but my cousin's wife has lost 2, & my other cousin [female] had at least 2 miscarriages before having her 2 children. it is a loss - a loss of the one that could have been, nearly [if not as much] of a loss as losing a child that had already been born.
your so-called friends are not truly friends if they don't understand that.
post #15 of 21
I agree. When you suffer a loss you grow up from it. If none of them have been through it, none of them will understand. You should cut them a bit of slack as they just don't get it. You just can't "make" someone understand if they've never lived it.

I've suffered through 12 consecutive losses and am now due with number 13 in July. Trust me, you never forget but your heart does heal and you do move on.
post #16 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by fwan View Post
"oh youre so young its good that you lost it" " you dont need children yet you can party as much as you like!"
that has mad me so angry!
how could ANYONE be that heartless!
hugs too you its awfull losing that little baby no matter how long its been alive you have a maternal loving bond!

seems as though you have wisend up your not a teenager your a woman and your realising partying and getting drunk is just something that doesnt seem fun anymore!
chrissy
xxx
post #17 of 21
Well Ive been through the same thing, with people telling me that I didn't need another baby right away anyway! Who cares, I would have loved it just as much no matter how close in age it would have been to my other one! Ive had a few miscarrages, and Ive never been the same. The first one was the worst, because the baby was perfect, and was intact so I didn't really understand what happened. People tell me that it was gods way of telling me that something was wrong with the baby... jerks! I would have loved to have it anyway. People can be very heartless, and not understand the challenges you have to go through. They dont understand that the mourning process is the same no matter whether its your mother or your unborn child! It was still part of you, and loved very much!

Im sorry that you're going through this right now, I wont say it will get easier, because I still dont leave the house on Valentines day or April Fools day, Those are 2 days out of 3 of each year that will never be the same. Life was lost, and it cant be replaced, not by beer, not by drugs, not by anything.
post #18 of 21
I think most often people just don't know what to say. I am sure they are not taking pleasure in seeing you upset. More than likely that are so far removed from even wanting children at their stages in life, that they can't relate to you. I wish you peace in your heart to deal with this loss. Now is a time to take care of yourself. Let yourself cry, don't listen to what your friends are saying, more on why they are saying it. God bless.
post #19 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahp View Post
After we lost our baby, people said insensitive things, because they didn't know what to say and were trying to make me feel better. Unless you've been through it, you can't understand what it feels like.

I feel like a different person since our stillbirth, I feel like I'm a little more reserved and not quite as carefree. Maybe that'll come back, and part of it is probably from having gone through heart surgery as well, but I don't know.

I certainly know my next pregnancy will not be as happy and exciting as the last one.
Sarah i was so heart broken when i saw what happened, i had been following every post of your pregnancy and i was so excited.

Just a month later it happened to me, and i knew immediately the pain you went through with the exception that i never got to hold my child, and i know i would be in alot worse state if i ever did get to.

I admire you for being so strong

I know Joshua is looking over you and i am more than positive he would want to see you happy especially with your next child


I also feel like i have closed parts of me.

I know that it doesnt hurt only for women, Trav sheds a tear or so every once in a while. He really does want children in the near future, we were watching a few episodes last night of Scrubs, i think its the latest season where they all pretty much have children and get pregnant. We were then talking about when we should have children and trying to immagine what they would look like.


MrBlanche interesting way of putting it, although i surely cant immagine that babies would be a hoax. but i can see the similarities that you are trying to refer to!


Sabrina, I know, Trav just tells me that when we leave we probably wont have any contact with them so it doesnt matter! I presume that they have also forgotten about it, i dont talk about it to them, they only found out because i fainted the morning after surgery and my boss was furious that i didnt show up for my class although i had left about 5 msgs on the answering machine letting them know i cant get out of bed. This is when i told them what happened, they all just gave me a hug and moved on and the topic was closed.

Two of them have a birthday this weekend, we will see if i rock up for a glass of wine and a chat. Its only monday.

Here is a for everyone that has contributed to this thread and given some good advice and replies
post #20 of 21
I'm sorry hun But as it's been said - people heal at their own pace. I healed relatively quickly, simply because I hadn't even known I was pregnant before I lost the baby (after I had my son) Of course it came as a shock, but I think if I'd known about it, I would have hurt a lot more. I would just guess that these women really don't understand that you've changed - there's more to life than partying and getting trashed. When they say something that upsets you, let them know. Tell them that it's not OK to say things like "it's good you lost the baby" - it's insensitive and totally out of line.
post #21 of 21
Oh hon. I'm so sorry your friends are so mean.
I had a miscarriage way back in 95 right after I broke up with the daddy and a co worker told me(who had a baby around the same time BTW)"now aren't you glad you miscarried?" I wanted to shove her in a fryer, but she was holding her child and there was no way I'd hurt someone so innocent for something his mother said. So Instead, I took vacation and went to Texas to dwell in my misery and came back better for it.
Heal yourself and don't let anyone tell you how to feel. You feel how you want. If they tell you mean things, then tell them how it's hurting you even after this long. Maybe they will stop.
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