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Need vibes.

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
I am at my wit's end. I don't usually get too personal on here, I am a private person, not because I don't think you are about the best bunch of people I have ever found in one spot.
I just lost both my jobs in the same week. With one of them went my health insurance. I have RA, lupus, diabetes, and Hepatitis C, and will only be able to receive treatment until the end of the month. I can barely remember anything, and my SO of 23 years thinks I have begun lying to him. I am almost afraid to talk to him, because sometimes I forget details, and when I tell him something that I have told him before, and left out a detail, I have lied, according to him. He has begun to be so mean to me most of the time, I spend my life on eggshells. I apparently have a very bad reaction to the steroids I was given for my RA, and got a bad case of steroid psychosis, which made me crazy, and I apparently still not right. He thinks I quit my job because I missed my "20 year vacation." The whole place is going to be gone in a couple months, because the place is already in Chapter 11, and they fired 10 people just off my former team already. They have demoted a bunch of people, and the man that moved his whole family from Miami left after only 5 weeks and went back home to get out of this what he stood up on the sales floor and called a *hithole.
He chose a career that he hates, and will not do anything else. He says I am joined at the hip with him, and have been plotting to leave him because I have been acting funny. He told me how happy he was to not to have to make me put the bike in his name, because he does not want me selling it out from under him. I would NEVER do that. He told me I am the most vindictive person he knows and is afraid I will do plot something to do to him to end him up in prison. I have vented and said vindictive things, never about him, that I would like to do to people that make me very angry, but I have never harmed a soul that has not physically harmed me or my child.
I bought a truck with my tax return, in case he kicks me out, even though I have nowhere to go, and am worried to death about what would happen to the cats. It is hard to find even a good friend that would take you in with 4 cats. I guess I would have to throw myself on my daughter's big heart and beg her to let me stay with her for a little while.
I can get more from unemployment than I was making for the last 2 months I was working there. He thinks I just don't want to work, and he is so wrong. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me if he still loves me and wants to be with me, and he said he still loves me, be I cannot be trusted and will have to "tighten up" if we are to stay together. I tried to say maybe we do need some time apart so he can figure out what he can do that he does not hate so much, but before I could finish, he had a fit and said he knew I just wanted him gone. I just want him better, and happy again, it would kill me to know I was going to lose him permanently.
I have never told any of you this publicly, but I am an addict. I have been in treatment on methadone for almost 2 years, and have very recently beaten it. All this is not helping my sobriety. It started out with a few pain pills here and there, and blew up into a full fledged addiction, even maxing out my credit cards to get them off the internet.
I hate to whine to all of you, but I have no one else. Could you please spare me a vibe or 2, maybe a small prayer? I am so ashamed to tell all of you this, I understand if you think badly of me, I don't think it could be any worse than I think of myself.
post #2 of 25
Oh, I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time! I don't have much advice except to tell you to take it one day at a time and never hesitate to vent here as much as you want. We'll always be happy to listen.

Mega vibes that things get better soon
post #3 of 25
You can have more than a vibe or two from me. You're in my thoughts, and I really hope that life straightens out for you ASAP. Mucho
post #4 of 25
you are definitely in my thoughts I am so sorry you are going thru all this at once, but you are a very strong person to beat your addiction, you can make it thru this too.
post #5 of 25
I am sending tons of hugs and prayers to you from Mississippi. Hang in there.
post #6 of 25
No bad thoughts about you here, hon. I'm so sorry for all you're going through.

1. Out of all those issues, the thing that concerns me most is your healthcare situation. Have you looked into "COBRA" to see if you can continue your coverage under that program? That would be a good first step.

2. Next would be getting a new job with as big a company as you can find -- the sort of place that's likely to have a really good health insurance plan, and which is not likely to scrutinize your current health too closely before accepting you (as many companies would).

3. Have you looked into the option of going on disability? It may not be the right thing for you, but just in case... something to consider.

4. And please call all the foundations and agencies you can find that have anything to do with any of the illnesses you suffer -- especially RA. They may have programs that can help keep you on your medications at reduced cost or even no cost if you remain unemployed for any length of time.

5. As for your husband... it sounds like he may not have a very good grasp of what's going on with your health. Can your doctor talk to him, perhaps, and explain how the medications can cause some of the erratic behavior he complains about, and that it's not something you can control? Maybe if he understood the source, he would be more patient and less suspicious.

6. You might also look into some kind of counseling for the two of you together. Maybe a third party could help you and your husband become a team again, united against your troubles... banish this adversarial feeling that's crept in.

I'm so glad you trusted us enough to unload this burden... I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.
post #7 of 25
I am sorry!!!!! I am hear if you want to talk!!!!

that things straighten up for you!!!! And one more huggie!!!!
post #8 of 25
Aaaaw sweetheart - that took so much courage to come out and trust us with all of this. You have my full respect and admiration for that Your husband really doesn't sound like he fully understands what's happening to you - and it sounds like you two really need some sort of counselling to help you both through this. It's obviously been very tough for you, trying to cope with your health, an addiction, money worries and a man who seems unsupportive - but he's probably been having a tough time of it too, although I think the fits and the name-calling is too extreme - it sounds like he's venting a lot of frustrtion all at once, without really knowing how to vent it constructively - which is turning out to be detrimental to your relationship.

I don't really have anything helpful I can suggest to you hun, I don't know the system in the US and I certainly don't know about insurance or benefits you might be entitled to - but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. I'm really proud of you for beating your addiction. You're obviously one tough cookie - but even tough cookies crumble sometimes and need someone to talk to. You've trusted us with a lot in coming to us with your troubles - but you need to know that no matter what, we're still going to be here for you. You said you feel ashamed and that you think badly of yourself..... and that you thought we would think badly of you too. That's not true. There's nothing you could possily tell us that would make us love you any less.

I really hope things start to look up for you - you deserve to have a litle ray of sunshine start shining between those big black clouds now. for you.
post #9 of 25
Big hugs! I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time right now. You will get through this, you are a strong person, just keep reminding yourself of that.
Of course we don't think badly of you.

I think it would be a big help to get into counseling right now. There are places that will help you if you don't have insurance or can't afford it.

I hope things start to look up for you very soon. Hang in there hun.
post #10 of 25
Oh honey, no one here thinks badly of you. It took so much courage to share what is going on in your life, and believe me, you aren't the only one here that has gotten caught in a trap like that. None of us are perfect, just remember that. The important thing is you are on the road to recovery and that says a lot about you.

I agree about your SO. Maybe the doctor can talk to him and explain that what is going on has more to do with your medication than he realizes. It sounds like he is under a lot of stress too, which isn't helping things. Counseling would also be a good idea...if you think he would go.

I don't really have a lot of advice, but you are in my thoughts. I hope things start turning around for you soon.
post #11 of 25
Sending you mega vibes...and wonder if the memory changes might be due to a medication you are on or a reaction to one? I'd discuss it with your doctor...and I'd ask them if they know of a program that may help with your med expenses - explain the situation to them.

I hope to read that things are improving for you soon.
post #12 of 25
Thread Starter 
I want to thank all of you for your kind words and thoughts. It helps more than you know.
He is acting as though we just had a little fight, but I think it may be because he doesn't know what else to do. I tried to talk to him last night, but he does not seemed too inclined to talk to me about it. At least he has stopped being so mean. I had to tell him that I had to call a locksmith to get the keys out of my truck yesterday morning, and he acted like it was no big deal, just one of those things that happen. I don't know what happened to the door, the locksmith said it should be opening. I had cranked it to warm it up, and pushed the door shut to keep Fluffy out. She is very nosy about the truck, and sneaks out to inspect it at any chance. We have given in and will let them out as long as they are supervised, but she is a sneaky little dickens.
This is my first unemployed weekend, and it is so hard to find something to do. I need to clean the house and go through some stuff, but now just doesn't seem like the time, when I am usually at work. Oh, well, That is actually what I am doing, since most of it is right by the computer and had already decided it was a good place to start.
Once again, thank all of you for the vibes, kind words, and pm's.
post #13 of 25
Gosh, I`m so sorry things are so tough for you right now.
Many vibes and prayers that things improve soon




P.s I`m sure no one thinks bad of you here
post #14 of 25
i know you said you had some mental issues w/the steroids... but from your initial post, it sounds like he's the one w/mental problems! & coming your way, for all of your many problems
post #15 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by jcat View Post
You can have more than a vibe or two from me. You're in my thoughts, and I really hope that life straightens out for you ASAP. Mucho
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277 View Post
you are definitely in my thoughts I am so sorry you are going thru all this at once, but you are a very strong person to beat your addiction, you can make it thru this too.
...and what everyone else said, too, especially that, far from thinking bad of you, we have a great deal of respect for your courage. You will overcome this, and we're here to listen whenever you need to vent.
post #16 of 25
Sending prayers and vibes that your weekend is going well.
I know how difficult it is to be at home when you used to be at work - after my car accident, I struggled along for 1 year, but then a worker's comp claim inadvertently was started in my name by the corporate office, and voila! I suddenly couldn't work at the restaurant, and was under obligation to tell any potential employers that I had a pending worker's comp claim for neck injuries, so of course, no one would hire me. When it was time for my shifts to begin, I would become so despondent.
It's been 9 years now, since I waited tables, and to this day, when I see the traffic headed up to Mammoth Mountain, I remember how I loved to wait table on a busy night, having fun with my co-workers and the deep satisfaction of happy guests who truly enjoyed a fantastic meal. I met people from around the world, all on vacation & wanting to have a great time. Not to mention the $$$$... Saturday nights are the most difficult
post #17 of 25
We don't think any less of you. I'm sending you mega that the puzzle pieces of life fall back together soon.
post #18 of 25
I just found this thread - my goodness, you have had a hard time.

You are definitely in my thoughts

I have always had the utmost respect for you, because of who you are. So no judging from me.

How are you doing - I am sorry that I saw this thread late.
post #19 of 25
post #20 of 25
No judging from me. In fact my highest respect in the fact that you are brave enough to give of yourself everything and then some. You are a wonderful person and you have my vibes... and my ear if you want it.
You'll find a new job, you just have to try hard and be patient. Something will come along. I'm glad you trust us enough to let us help you in whatever ways we possibly can.
post #21 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiwideus View Post
I just found this thread - my goodness, you have had a hard time.

You are definitely in my thoughts

I have always had the utmost respect for you, because of who you are. So no judging from me.

How are you doing - I am sorry that I saw this thread late.

I couldn't have said any better......
post #22 of 25
If you have beaten addiction you can make it through this... we are always here for you.
post #23 of 25
I would like to thank you for sharing this information with us.

You have faced many battles in your life and have won. Don't forget that.

I think that like others wrote you should sit down with your husband and a third party (counselor) so what is going on with your life,illnesses, medications can be talked about rationally. I think he might be scared of all the changes.

I would write down and prioritize what is important in you life right now and work on that list.

Insurance for instance would be a top concern. I could check out social security or any federal/state/local programs. And don't feel ashamed about utilizing these programs.
Your health should be your main concern.

Then think about another job even if its part time.

Fixing your relationship with your husband. He should be giving you support emotionally at this time. Which I think can be hard for guys to do.

Sending you lots of good thoughts for you during this time in your life.
post #24 of 25
Lots more and and and and to help you through this time.
post #25 of 25
Sending lots of vibes your way
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