What would you say to help comfort your child?

The school the my daughter Sam goes to has a big sign in the front entrance that has the Code of Behavior. #1 is to not harass or bully anyone. When you take your concerns to the School Resource Officer and Administrator for my daughters class they talk to you in circles.
You point out that they say "No harassing behavior" but they don't support it.
Sam came home yesterday and she just looks beat. We talked and she cried. She said that everyday she pulls into the school she feels so much dread becuz she knows that when she gets to her first class the girls will be pointing at her and talking trash about her.
She said that every once in a while a young girl will come to her and tell her that she is a role model to them. They tell her that she is so strong and to be able to come to school and stand tall everyday makes them feel stronger. Sam told me that when that happens she feels better and knows she will be okay.

The part of this that is really sucky is that these girls that are doing this use to be her so called "good friend" One example: Sam and Jane (fake friend name) made plans to go to VA Tech to check out the college over the weekend. The weather got bad and the plans were cancelled but Jane asked if Sam could spend the weekend at her house anyway. I said sure. The girls had a blast. So I thought. Monday at school Jane calls Sam out and starts screaming at her becuz Jane got in trouble for getting home 10 minutes late on Saturday nite after the girls had gone out and met some friends. Sam said that they didn't get back to Janes until 10 after 11 but Jane's parents didn't say anything at the time. After Jane did this she then started spreading tons of rumors. Uggggggggg I am soooo confused I know Sam is extremely confused as well.

Thank you again for sharing your stories. When Sam and I were talking last nite I shared some of your situations and it seemed to help her. So thank you again.

I was harassed pretty badly in middle school. I went to private school, so the public school kids picked on me for that. At the private school I was ostracized for unknown reasons.

My parents went to the school. They wouldn't do anything. They kept repeating the "peer pressure" mantra. And were my parents ticked about that.

One day the harrassment escalated to being physical. My Dad called the police. And after that, at least the public school kids left me alone. When I went off to high school, it was a LARGE public school, and suddenly the hot shots were at the bottom of the heap. High school was great for me, I was left alone and had many friends.

My point is, once the kids crossed that line, my parents involved the police. The smart ones backed off after that. The school had pretty much the same unenforced policy as your daughter's school. Even though my parents couldn't do anything about the words (they gave great moral support though) I knew they were there for me if the kids wanted to be physical.

Because of all that, I spent most of my teen years in horse barns. I worked at a barn, I rode, I generally hung out with horses. If I wasn't at home, I was at the barn.

Originally Posted by littleraven7726

Because of all that, I spent most of my teen years in horse barns. I worked at a barn, I rode, I generally hung out with horses. If I wasn't at home, I was at the barn.

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You know when I was growing up that is where I spent all of my time. On the back of a horse. I loved it.

Well the one thing that I have shared with Sam is that I will be there for her no matter what. Her Dad is also there for her. He gives her little sayings like

"the girls are like crabs in a bucket and whenever someone is about to get out of the bucket there are those that will always try to bring you down"

or this one Sam really likes and it goes something like this " the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"



Sam refers to this one regarding going out drinking and partying and why she doesn't want to do that anymore.

That is sad. Are you getting any professional help for her? Please do; I think the sooner you do this, the better.

We are lucky. Sam wanted to talk to someone after the car accident and so she has been seeing a wonderful lady through all of this.

Originally Posted by littleraven7726

One day the harrassment escalated to being physical. My Dad called the police.

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Good for your dad! I've never understood why what would be called assault and battery anywhere else is just ignored on a schoolground. It's fine to give juveniles a chance to clear their record of stupid things they did before they were old enough to know better -- but I'm convinced that failing to hold them accountable up front actually contributes to future wrongdoing.

Dang, teenagers are mean! Girls especially. There has to be some consequences for the kids who are bullying your daughter and spreading rumors. Threaten to take civil/legal action. That'lll get their attention!

No one is being taught in our society anymore to take responisbility for their actions. Like those girls in Florida who beat up a "friend" and fellow cheerleader and videotaped it.

As for my advice about the parents- that's true. Again, no one wants to take respo for behavior and the kids are probably badly brought up to behave like that. That happened to my brother. He was beaten up on the bus by a bunch of boys in junior high. My mom knew the mother of one of the boys... so she called. The woman said my brother - sweet and gentle guy - must have started it and her son COULD NEVER have done anything like that. Sheesh. And the school didn't do a damn thing either until my mom threatened legal action.

I still remember how badly I was treated in school growing up. When my 30th HS reunion came around, an old chum looked me up and begged me to go so she would have someone to talk to. I refused, b/c as I looked at the list of people in attendance - I could only conjure up bad things/memories about those people. Me going down the list: mean to me, mean to me, ignored me, bullied me, no consequence to me, not my friend, mean, mean (for the women I used the "b" word)..... My boyfriend and I decided that $150 would be better spent put towards a vacation..

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

Good for your dad! I've never understood why what would be called assault and battery anywhere else is just ignored on a schoolground. It's fine to give juveniles a chance to clear their record of stupid things they did before they were old enough to know better -- but I'm convinced that failing to hold them accountable up front actually contributes to future wrongdoing.

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That was the day I really knew my parents "had my back." The one kid's Dad wasn't happy about what his son was doing, that kid NEVER bothered me again.

I totally agree with you about how they ignore school ground behavior. What I went through was horrible, and the more the school authorities ignored it the worse it got.

I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. Bullying can change your life, no matter how hard you try to ignore it. It is especially bad if you have doe nothing wrong and are the one being bullied. She sounds like a lovely young woman. I know it it hard now, but she will come back stronger, and they will be the ones with nothing but memories of when they used to be somebody. Think Al Bundy.
I was raped in high school, and my name got out that it had happened. The worst part it was a "date rape" and my sister had a hand in it. The boy felt bad after he realized what he had done, but it still didn't keep me from being hurt, pregnant, and kicked out of my church. He could have just kept his mouth shut. I did not want to marry him, but his family hired a lawyer and said they would sue if I tried to say it was his child. They thought I wanted money, and all I wanted was a little moral support. My parents sent me away to boarding school and tried to deny it ever happened. I came back a different person. The next person that tried to bully me got the snot beat out of them. They were afraid to bully me any more. For some reason they thought I was crazy, and had gone away to the nut house instead of going to have my baby.
I did go to one reunion just to watch everyone go in, and that was the sorriest looking bunch I have ever seen. The ones that were still married obviously hated each other, most of them were divorced drunks, deadbeat dads, 2 of which were taken right out of the reunion because the cops knew they would be there. The cheerleaders and popular girls tht were so awful to me are aging bimbos with a houseful of kids, no husbands, tons of blue eyeshadow, bad bleach jobs with trailer park roots, drunk with a different guy every weekend trying to find a daddy for their kids, or even grandkids by now. They guys are still driving the old camaros with bad combovers. Karma sure came back to bite them on the butt.
I am mostly happy, have been in love for 23 years, and their lives stink.

I deal with elementary students, so it is a bit different.

Sometimes the facts as presented by the student are not as the facts as observed by the staff. We do have a policy on bullying and a plan to follow, which we do.

We have had some children complain about what appears to be bullying on the surface, but turns out to be the response to a situation they created in the first place. The old the first-kid-gets-away-with-hitting-but-the-kid-retaliating-gets-caught that we all remember and hate.

Our first step is to protect the victim from abuse, but also just observe the interactions. We then come up with the plan to deal with it.

Unfortunately, kids often behave differently at school than they do at home and parents often have a hard time believing their child would act like that. My experiences at school cause me to take what my children tell me with a grain of salt. There are times that I wish we could videotape the entire day, though the smart kids would change their behavior for that day. Some of our parent volunteers have told me that their perception of their child's choice of friends is different after seeing them in action at school.

We also have a couple of kids that we are working with because they seem to constantly be bullied. They need better skills in learning to deal with others - standing up for themselves, communicating what is acceptible, knowing at what point to ask for help (not too soon or too late). Bullys are always in counseling.

It's very hard as a parent to teach your child how to deal with bullys. You can't antipiate every situation and help them prepare a response.

My suggestion to dealing with this problem in the schools is to require every parent to volunteer one day a year at their child's school. We have a 180 days of school, so assign the parents so each day a volunteer or more is there. Have more than one child, you will have to give a day for each child. This would require the support of the business community, but I really think the payoff would be worth it. Better educated children (future employees), less crime, better community support for education as the parents learn about what really goes on in the classroom and how the kids really act.

<stepping off my soapbox now>

When my daughter was being bullied, I bought the book Mean Chicks, Cliques, and Dirty Tricks and we read through parts of it, but it is meant for older girls. I suggest you rent the movie Mean Girls, have your daughter invite some friends over, and watch it. It's a good movie, very entertaining, with a great message.

I'm glad you believe in your daughter and in what you are seeing. It's wrong to blame the victim.

At the end of school last year, our daughter finally responded to her bully's taunts (after three years of abuse). Here's the thread if you are interested:
http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=130240

The principal and teacher told our daughter that it was wrong to hit someone but they understood why she did it, and she was not reprimanded at all. It did stop the bully for the rest of the school year. I don't know if it would have started up again, though, this year had they been in the same class.

i finally kicked my bullys bad habits when i grabbed her by the throat looked her in the eyes and told her "i have nothing else too live for i dont care if i die so ill fight till the death are you willing too take that risk?"(squeezing tighter slowly and smiling like a mad woman)
needless to say she never said a word too me again