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thoughts... (part 2)

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
I hope it's okay I carried this wonderful thread to another thread, since it is so long (which means everyone likes it )


Thanks for starting this thread!!!!! You are the BESt!!!!!!

To tell a little about this thread, it is for serious thoughts, and if anyone is suffering from depression, like several of us are...please tell us your thoughts and /or feelings.
post #2 of 28
i thought i might add, that for anyone that is new and might want to
check out the first "thoughts" thread, you can find it here :


and thanks Debby, for continuing this thread for me, it's brought me
so much comfort & peace.
post #3 of 28
Thread Starter 
Blue....what a great idea to give the link for the first thoughts thread, that way if anyone wants to go back and catch up on what has already been said, they can.

Logans last post in the other thread really touched my heart, and I wanted to repost it here....I hope that's okay.

I just finished reading every page, I don't know how long it took me but I sit here stuned. I can stare at this screen & try to find the words----it's as if I stand at the edge of an empty valley all alone. Only to realize I'm not alone after all. This is hard for me b/c I'm not one to share my feelings but I know just how each of you feel. Does it make it easier for me to realize I'm not the only one?? I've always felt I was. At times I thought I was loosing my mind. I would sit for hours stairing at nothing, or cry for no reason. Facing the day was hell. You can see I said "was". After some panic attacks that sent me to the hospital I received help.I've been taking welbuttrin for 3 years now. It has helped a lot. I can face the day, do things again. But the battle is far from over. My mother had depression & now I see it in my older son. They say it is hereditary & I guess it's true. But what ever the reason there is no reason to suffer alone as I did for years. I was raised in the old school, (you don't talk about certian things) oh,no. But now it's different. Just the fact that a page like this is going on I find amazing!! It's a help to all of us who live with it everyday. God Bless all of you!

That was written by Logan in the other thread.

I am so glad you don't feel alone anymore Logan. You can talk about any and all of your thoughts and feelings here, and noone will judge you...we probably all feel the same.I think depression is hereditary, several members of my family have suffered with it through the years.

I have considered switching from Prozac to welbuttrin, because I have heard so many good things about it, and thought maybe it would help me more....do you really like it, then? Does it really help? Sometimes I think this prozac doesnt do much for me.
post #4 of 28
my dad is on wellbutrin & it has made him an entirely different person. his life is so much fuller & he is a much happier person. I hope that it does the same for you.

I posted a thread to you further down. check it out

post #5 of 28

Dearest Debby

have you seen that counsellor again? a good therapist will see you for
a few sessions before prescribing you any anti-depressants - they will
wait until they can decide on which one might work best for you.

if the Prozac isnt helping you, by all means talk to your doctor or
therapist about it, and see what they think might work better.

there are a lot of different ones out there, and some of them may work
while others will do nothing... and of course, therapy in itself, also
helps a great deal, being able to talk about the reasons why we are so
far down will help us in our journey to Rise above it all.

i have also heard good things about Wellbutrin, so, it may be something
you might want to try, but, my advice to you would be to find someone
you can talk to - a good therapist, for a few weeks, before switching
medication, that way, they can make a better assesment as to which
medications will be best suited for you and how many mg's you'll need.

love to you, today and everyday.

post #6 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thank you Blue and Colby....

and Colby, I will check out the thread you posted next. I also wanted to say how sorry I am I missed your call Saturday. I would love to talk to you!!! This weekend was so hectic, but I wrote your number down, so I could call you back when hubby isn't around, so I don't have to hear him complain about the phone bill!!!

And Blue....I did have a good session with my therapist last Wednesday. It was my second session with him, and I finally broke down in tears and told him everything I was really feeling, and about how someone I thought was my best friend, and whom I had loved very much had hurt me so badly recently. This person used to mean the world to me, and then just because of her jealously, and because she could not control who I was friends with, or what I did, where I went, or what I spent my money on...she turned on me. It is a very very long story.....but needless to say I got hurt pretty bad.

My therapist thinks that the feelings she had developed for me, were more like obsession than true friendship, and that is what caused the problems. I think he is right. He thinks I should just stay away from her, and not give her anymore "power" by reacting to the things she says and does to hurt me.

But staying away from her is a little difficult since we work together.
post #7 of 28


i am so happy to hear you saw your counsellor again, i hope it is helping
you work through things. you have been through so much, it's time now
to let go of all the pain you carry around.

He thinks I should just stay away from her, and not give her anymore
"power" by reacting to the things she says and does to hurt me.

this is very good advice, my own therapist has said this to me many times,
unfortunately a lot of people out there are control hungry, whether they
realize it or not, and a lot of the time they will vent their frustrations
on those closet to them, or those they think they can overpower.

i'm glad you didnt let that happen. i know how hard it is to lose a close
friend, it's happened to me more times then i care to remember, and i
choose friends very carefully now, because, in friendship you have to be
willing to give a lot of yourself, and we cant give ourselves to too many persons
or else we'll have nothing left for ourselves.

how often are you seeing him? twice a month, or once a month?

go as much as you need to/can afford.

and lean on trusted shoulders.
post #8 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thank you Blue!! My next appointment is June 6th. I am feeling more confident than I was last time I went. I hope he doesn't think I'm a total nut case after I broke down and cried like that. It did feel good to get it all out though!!!!
post #9 of 28
this past week(s) has been really hard on me. today i broke apart, and
had the equivalent to an emotional breakdown. i had no control over anything, and it was the scariest thing i've ever felt.

i couldnt stop crying, or freaking out if Cameron tried to comfort me.

i cant explain what happened, i think almost the epitome of hopelessness came over me,
and i drowned.

when it was over, i looked down at my arm to discover it was bleeding
from pressing my nails into it too hard, and i dont even remember it.

i dont know what's happening, i dont know if i can take that again.

i think i know now that an anti-depressant is the best option (other then therapy)
because i wanted to die in the worst possible way, and if Cameron had not been with me,
i dont know what would have happened.
post #10 of 28

Anything I can do let me know. I've been through horrid spells of depression too, and I know it feels like it will never end. But it does eventually. Waiting it out is real tough though. I'm glad Cameron was there with you. Just being around someone can be very important. I'm glad to hear you're thinking about medication. It can really help alot. You're a really wonderful person, Katie. And you have alot of strength you're probably not aware of. You can get through this. You've got alot of friends who are thinking about you and sending you their love. Were all in this together.

post #11 of 28
I agree, this thread is a wonderful thread, where I too have voiced my inner world on the canvas of this site for others to peer into my world, sometimes turbulent, sometimes content.

Interestingly enough, I haven't been happy or depressed as of late. I can feel myself stuck in emotional (and sometimes creative) neutral. My life has become so mundane lately, minus an interesting encounter at a party this past weekend. I can feel myself becoming mired by lifes conventionalism, in that I am simply "going thru the motions". I hate this, for it drains my creative energies as well and my thankful spree of writing that I did from Feb-May has again become stagnant.

I need some excitement. Something new. I'm immensley bored with life at the moment and more so, am I aggravated with myself for bogging down creatively.

The times where I become most enthralled is when there are incentives laid out before me, whether manifested on their own, or by cause of my own actions.

Oh, well, what is a person to do?
post #12 of 28
thanks Michelle, it means so much to me to have people like you in my life,
people who offer support and caring that is genuine.
post #13 of 28
Thread Starter 
Chuck...I too sometimes feel bored with life and stuck in a rut...I hope you don't feel that way too much longer.

Blue..... I am so sorry to hear you had such a rough time...I am so glad Cameron was there to help you. If anything happened to you I would just die!!!
I wish we could talk on the phone, so when you had a bad time, or when I was having a hard time, we could talk. I love you. Hang in there!
post #14 of 28
i miss this thread, it was always one of my favourites

thoughts right now...

well, i am finally on an anti-depressant, it's called Zoloft and it's supposed to target three of
my major 'problems' - anxiety, depression (of course) and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)

i am only in my 5th or 6th day of it, and so far the side effects have been driving me
insane, from shaking uncontrollably to nausea and throwing up, to not being able to sleep,
and so on.

it seems to be getting better now, thankfully.

i feel really good about this, making this choice, i am curious to see how this will work,
and where i'll be with it in several weeks.

hopefully i'll at least be able to leave the house (more often.)

overall, right now, i seem to be having more good days then bad, but the bad are horrifying.
post #15 of 28
My Precious Friend, Katie; I am so relieved to hear that the good days are overpowering the bad ones.

I am so relieved lately because my sister assured me that I will not have to consider living apart from her and the girls and my "Beloved Kitties"

My new bed came(which I will figure out!) and my circulation and BP will improve, but best of all, my sister made room for me upstairs in her flat with the rest of the family and I have an air-conditioned bedroom to boot! I don't have to climb the stairs but maybe once a week(instead of every day)!!!! :pinky:

About a month ago, when I was really feeling hopeless and helpless; you and AP reached out to me, and I will always be greatful to you and Colby. I also felt so-o-o-o overwhelmed that one nite I just told God that He would have to help me or else "Take me home to be with my Mom and Dad and Sister and Craig" because I couldn't stand the pain of being here any longer and he answered my prayer and started turning my situation around. I can't imagine what those who do not believe in God do for relief, but thank Heaven He did not "call me home" but gave me the wisdom to lay my burden at His feet.
post #16 of 28
First off, let me say that I really like this thread. Also, my hat's off to all of you who post here.

I have a couple of "personal demons" keeping me occupied, as well. But I have not felt exactly ready to air them in this thread for every "Joe Blow the Eskimo" on the internet to read.

Mostly I just keep the dialogue going with myself, because I think even my friends are sick and tired of the damn thing by now.

Mostly I think I can most identify with Meow Man's thoughts. I am not exactly holding the razor to my throat, yet I am not experiencing what I would define as happiness. As time marches on, I foresee being in this same little rut. The really bad part is that the more comfortable the rut becomes, the more I fear not giving it up.

There. Was that vague enough for all of you?
post #17 of 28
Thread Starter 
Blue....I am praying the Zoloft will work for you!!! Just give it a few weeks to kick in!!! We you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #18 of 28
I am so glad I saw this thread. I too have suffered depression off and on over the years. I had been seeing a therapist a few months ago but finding a good one is not always easy.I am now arranging to go see someone else who hopefully I will feel more comfortable with.My doctor recommended antidepressants but I am too nervous to take anything. I am hoping therapy will help.

Depression is such a debilitating thing. It robs you of who you are. It drains your energy and destroys your self esteem and self worth. The list gos on and on. Thankgoodness I have the love and support of my husband and son.They have gone through so much with me.

I sincerely hope Blue that the medication you are on will help you. And everyone else here that suffers depression I wish you all the best and my thoughts are with you.
post #19 of 28
Thread Starter 
Elinor.....I know EXACTLY what you mean! Depression robs us of our lives, yet it is totally beyond our control. I have been taking prozac...and it does help some.
post #20 of 28
I'm in that neutral zone Deb 25 and Meow Man have described. Nothing's really bad and nothing's really good. Blah. HOWEVER, let me hasten to add — all things considered — this state of affairs is fine with me!

That's right, it's fine. The reason it's fine is because I can easily remember the bad days of the late 1980s through the middle 1990s, when I was totally depressed and experienced frequent suicide ideation. Nothing helped, neither analysis nor medication, until. . . .

Sertraline came along! Indeed, since starting on that medication several years ago I've not had neither major depression nor suicide ideation. Ta da! So, Blue, I strongly encourage you to stick with sertraline (the brand name is Zoloft).

post #21 of 28
Debby, Blue and all of you!!
I love all to much to see you going through rough times! Unfortunately all of us do sometimes and so have I. I have so far managed to pull myself out of my depressions and just now I'm stuck in a medium position just like MeowMan and Mr.Cat.
I've had some really bad times and I've come to a point when I though life was pointless. I've found out though that my cat and keeping myself as busy as possible helps a lot. My mommy, God Bless her always, taught me that trick - just keep smiling, it scares teh :censor::censor::censor::censor: out of trouble!!! And also what I've found out is that the world treats you exactly in the same way you view it - so if you think everything is hopeless, it will most certainly be the truth.
Medication might help, I've never tried it, but I hope to God it does help you because depression is awful and as Elinor put it it robs us of our lives. And life is by all means worth living, especially with friends like you.
My dearest try to keep your heads above the water and remember that what does not kill you can only make you stronger! I love you so much, please remember that I do think about you daily and you've become a most important part of my life.
love always
post #22 of 28
Originally posted by Deb25
I have a couple of "personal demons" keeping me occupied, as well. But I have not felt exactly ready to air them in this thread for every "Joe Blow the Eskimo" on the internet to read.

Mostly I just keep the dialogue going with myself, because I think even my friends are sick and tired of the damn thing by now.

my opinions on this are simple, when you give yourself through this type of medium,
what are you really giving to all those Joe Blow's? nothing. even if you posted your
phone number you have given nothing. just a phone number. it is not something anyone else can
hold in their hands and judge.

if anything you can only hope to help others with your story, and help yourself with the telling.

do you know what i mean?
post #23 of 28
Yeah, Blue, I know. But the whole thing is so damn ridiculous that I'm too embarrassed to give it up, so to speak.

When you're 40+, you are supposed to be wise, or at least wiser. Strap a bookbag on me, and I'm right back in high school.
post #24 of 28
and at 21 i'm supposed to be going to parties and with some cute guy with a nice car, right?

our wisdom comes from our experiences and our hearts, and believe me, you have helped me
a great deal with your words of wisdom, so much so that i didnt want to write back, or acknowledge
the truth of your words. acknowledging that at that time would have meant embracing it, and living it,
which i wasnt prepared to do.

anyway, ramble, ramble, ramble, the point is, i think, thank you. thank you for all
your insights into my life, and for caring, and for not dropping me when i did not respond.

i think i got off track here, i meant to ask, or beg, for the details of this
embarrasing event :tounge2:
post #25 of 28
Deb25; 40+ aside; release it(what ever it is) or you wil be 50+ sooner than you think and still "bitter and brewing".

There have been days when your sense of humor has been all that has kept me posting. I can't thank you enough for that; so take it from TLK, who is 52+ ,: Bitter is not a complimentary characteristc of the young, the in-between, or the elderly. . . .

Love ya,

Besides, if we "strap a backpack on you" Joey would be right there going to high school with you!
post #26 of 28

With my luck, Mr. Cat's locker would be right next to mine.

In all seriousness, I feel as though I have my head screwed on pretty well, in my own dysfunctional way, that is. Life is pretty good when I step back and consider where I was a year ago. My only nagging concern involves a relationship (what else?) It is a resolved issue, mostly, or is it???? Yeah, it is. Or is it? You get the idea.

I usually have a pretty good read and insight on others. Our school psychologist tells me I'm a natural. I always tell her that I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on tv.

Anyway, it all comes down to getting over somebody, and when exactly does that occur? Or should it? I've had less turmoil getting over an ex-husband than this. Then there are the signs that something is still there (from his standpoint). I admit I've been the one to take the risk with this guy on more than one occasion, so I won't be the one to do it this time. So there I am in limbo.

Gotta go, or I'll be late for class and get detention again.
post #27 of 28
Thread Starter 
Billie....thank you so much for what you said..... really took it to heart, and you are so right....that which does not kill us....only makes us stronger!!!! Thanks for the inspirational post!!!!!!!
I you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #28 of 28
Can you tell which one is her?

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