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help with a friend

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
One of my friends is really depressed about being single for so long w/o anyone interested in her. Here is where the problem starts, she is always saying if she could only meet someone like me how happy she would be and how lucky my wife is. At the last lunch I had with her she started to make me feel uncomfortable about her feeling for me and how much she thinks about me.

I want to help her but I feel she is starting to cross the line. I do not want to add to her negative feelings in any way but am confused on how to do this.
post #2 of 14
Try fixing her up with some of your friends or co-workers.
post #3 of 14
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Try fixing her up with some of your friends or co-workers.
most of my male friends and co-workers are married
post #4 of 14
I would let her know that she is making you uncomfortable. Tell her you want to help, but she has to stop making you feel uncomfortable. Let her know about how online dating has changed in the last couple of years. I know so many people who that works for. Maybe she'd have some luck thay way.
post #5 of 14
I would make it very clear that you are just friends, and you have only friendly feelings for her. Then maybe suggest she does try online dating...its a good way for her to meet people
post #6 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by SiameseTwins View Post
most of my male friends and co-workers are married
Then put her in touch with a dating site such as eHarmony or PlentyOfFish or even LavaLife.

What about your wife? Does she have any single co-workers? What about cousins?
post #7 of 14
Danger danger Will Robinson!

Do NOT have lunch alone with this woman. Always stay in a group. The temptation is great with you alone with her. And I'm sure your wife would not be pleased either.

Does your wife know about this woman and what's she's been doing/saying? If not, then you'd better have a talk with her. DH and I don't keep any secrets. We tell each other right away if another opposite sex is getting too friendly!

I'd tell her that this kind of talk is making you uncomfortable, you are happily married and want to stay that way, and if she continues, then you have no choice but to stop associating with her.

Office romances start innocently like what is happening now. Doesn't take a lot to cross that line - keep out of temptation's way if you value your wife, marriage and family!
post #8 of 14
I would simply be honest with her. Tell her how uncomfortable it makes you when she starts talking like that - but you also need to tell your wife what's going on. That way, if it comes from you, she can't suspect you of anything else. Don't let her come to her own conclusions, because that can often be more damaging than anything else.

For what it's worth, my mum is marrying her internet date this year - and I'm marrying my internet man next year. We've been together for the best part of 6 years and lived together for nearly 2 - so it does work
post #9 of 14
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Then put her in touch with a dating site such as eHarmony or PlentyOfFish or even LavaLife.

What about your wife? Does she have any single co-workers? What about cousins?
she spends most of her time with other soccer moms
post #10 of 14
this may sound harsh, but I truly believe this: no one will be able to make your friend happy until she learns how to make herself happy. If she thinks that she is sad and deprressed because she is single, I can garauntee that meeting someone is not going to change that. Tell her to get out there, join clubs, take a class, anything! That's a great way to meet people and also create some happiness in her life. In my experience, guys are attracted to a woman who is independent and knows what she wants, not someone needy. (at least the "good" guys)

As far as her making you uncomfortable, I think you need to confront her about her behavior making you feel that way. Tell her she is coming very close to the line and if she crosses it that will be the end of your friendship
post #11 of 14
I agree that you must not go to lunch with her again, unless you are both part of a group. Even if you yourself are not "tempted," you should not spend time with her alone anywhere -- partly to discourage her interest, partly to avoid the appearance of impropriety, and partly out of respect for your wife.

However, I don't think you ought to directly acknowledge that you think she's "after you." Even if she is, there are more graceful ways to put a stop to it (see next paragraph). But if you've gotten the wrong impression (it's possible -- I've been accused of flirting myself, when I honestly had no such thought at all) and she isn't actually trying to attract your romantic interest... then you'd be making a HUGE MISTAKE. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, except perhaps an innocent woman unjustly scorned! You could make a vicious enemy of her, and a workplace nightmare for yourself.

Instead of coming right out with it, I think you should just ease away from the subject. You might pass along some of the suggestions given here -- and to make sure the signal is unambiguous, you could say, "I asked my wife if she had any ideas for you, and she suggested you try Match.com." Then you just need to be unavailable for lunch. Or be sure to invite some coworkers along.

Finally... you said something about your wife spending most of her time with other soccer moms. Do you think maybe you should invite her on a date? Surely you are much more exciting company!
post #12 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277 View Post
this may sound harsh, but I truly believe this: no one will be able to make your friend happy until she learns how to make herself happy. If she thinks that she is sad and deprressed because she is single, I can garauntee that meeting someone is not going to change that. Tell her to get out there, join clubs, take a class, anything! That's a great way to meet people and also create some happiness in her life. In my experience, guys are attracted to a woman who is independent and knows what she wants, not someone needy. (at least the "good" guys)

As far as her making you uncomfortable, I think you need to confront her about her behavior making you feel that way. Tell her she is coming very close to the line and if she crosses it that will be the end of your friendship
Ditto on this advice!! Be firm but not harsh. She has to take charge of her own life... and she will feel better if she starts making positive steps.
post #13 of 14
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post

Finally... you said something about your wife spending most of her time with other soccer moms. Do you think maybe you should invite her on a date? Surely you are much more exciting company!


we have a nanny five days a week so we go on dates often, and short trips.
post #14 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
I agree that you must not go to lunch with her again, unless you are both part of a group. Even if you yourself are not "tempted," you should not spend time with her alone anywhere -- partly to discourage her interest, partly to avoid the appearance of impropriety, and partly out of respect for your wife.

However, I don't think you ought to directly acknowledge that you think she's "after you." Even if she is, there are more graceful ways to put a stop to it (see next paragraph). But if you've gotten the wrong impression (it's possible -- I've been accused of flirting myself, when I honestly had no such thought at all) and she isn't actually trying to attract your romantic interest... then you'd be making a HUGE MISTAKE. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, except perhaps an innocent woman unjustly scorned! You could make a vicious enemy of her, and a workplace nightmare for yourself.

Instead of coming right out with it, I think you should just ease away from the subject. You might pass along some of the suggestions given here -- and to make sure the signal is unambiguous, you could say, "I asked my wife if she had any ideas for you, and she suggested you try Match.com." Then you just need to be unavailable for lunch. Or be sure to invite some coworkers along.
Ditto this! I too have been accused of flirting with married men, and I wasn't! I was just being myself.

My advise is to confront her ONLY if or when she does something that makes you uncomfortable. Let her know that you are not used to this kind of attention from someone other than your wife. That you have a good relationship with your wife and you don't want bad gossip about your innocuous friendship to get back to her.
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