Cyber Bullying - Thoughts and Experiences

Anne

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This isn't about anything in particular here on TCS, just wanted to share my own experiences as both a forum member (on other boards) regarding something that I know bothers some members here as well from time to time.

The topic of online bullying or cyber bullying isn't new. Turns out it's a major problem with teenagers these days. You can read more about it here -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyber-bullying

It happened to me on another board. A webmasters board, where I have been posting for a while about professional topics. One day, a new poster came waltzing in, and attacked another member, in what I thought was a vicious and unprovoked way. I said as much in the thread, and that was all it took.

As you probably realize by now, rules as well as moderating practices there were a bit different than what they are on TCS
Mods there try to stay out of things whenever they can and leave it to the members to handle situations by themselves.

Ever since I replied to that thread, that person took it upon himself to hunt down my posts on the forum and reply in obnoxious ways. First few days, I actually replied back and bickering ensued. I experienced first-hand how stressful these things can be (I had a lot of you guys in mind during those days - it was refreshing seeing forum life WITHOUT being able to hit the edit button on other people's posts
).

As is only to be expected, things were escalating. That member was trying to push my buttons with an expressed goal of driving me away from that board. He almost just made it. It was very tempting to just let go and leave the place. However, I did have some long-term professional interests vested in there. Then I remembered what we advise our members to do in such situations and I did just that - I put him on Ignore.

What a wonderful feature for Vbulletin! The guy simply disappeared from my life! I wasn't seeing his posts or receiving his nasty PM's anymore. I don't even know for how long he carried out any attacks on me, if at all. I've been told later that he left soon after - I can only guess and hope that he tired of his bullying without getting any response whatsoever.

Just thought I'd share the story here. I am grateful that we have different practices here on TCS. Open bullying can't take place on the forums. Innuendos and PM's can be blocked with the ignore button, and I hope everyone can feel at home here
 

natalie_ca

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Yep, what some people do is no different than what a school yard bully does. Finds a target and just goes after them with everything they have.

There is a thread about this in IMHO forum where I posted the following:

http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=148587

Several years ago as a result of my sticking up for the underdog in another community, I rubbed the "forum bullies" the wrong way and thus found myself with a bullseye painted on me.

In addition to being maliciously harrassed both on the boards and in my email and website guestbook, one or more of them were going around the internet to all kinds of sites and creating user accounts with my user then name, trying to impersonate me in their posts, and posting my personal details which they found through a domain search for a web that I had at that time.

I was also attacked on any forum related to that particular community, of which there were several. Even when I was posting elsewhere they would go there and start up the garbage about me and try and turn the people there against me by spreading their malicous lies there.

The person that instigated the attacks and harassment against me made it her mission to try and destroy both me and my reputation. She was a master of manipluation and lies and excellent at playing the vicitim even when she wasn't one.

She started to recruit people to her cause. She made up all kinds of lies about me and even created a website where she posted them and all of her stories about things that I had supposedly done to her and other people. I didn't find out about the site until later and by then it was already gone.

I would become friends with someone from the community, only in the end to find out that they were "working" for her and gathering information. I would see private discussions being posted around the internet with heavy editing to my part of the discussion. Sometimes it was completely made up. I eventually deleted everyone from my MSN and ICQ because I didn't know who was a true friend and who was just using me for malicious means.

As a result of her actions I suddenly found myself with many "enemies" and was receiving emails and private messages from various members of the community, even from people I had never seen around the boards before.

Two particular forums seemed dedicated to "bashing" me, even though I never posted or registered on either one. The owner of one of the forums is a public figure in professional sports, and I told him in no uncertain terms that if he didn't put a halt to the harassment I would sue him and make it a very public scandal because as the owner of the site he was liable for what was going on because he was providing a means for which these people could conduct their public harassment and attempted humilation of me. He didn't take me seriously at first until I had a lawyer friend of mine send him a formal cease and desist letter. At which time there was suddenly a rule instated on the site about personal attacks.

Unfortunately a guy that I had been involved with long distance, and whom I had met because I had travelled there and spent a week with him, even bought into her lies. He and I had been talking about my moving down there. Thanks to her and his inability to see through her lies, he ended our relationship. He chose to believe someone he never met over me whom he had been talking to for more than a year and had even met in person and spent time together.

In the end some people finally saw through her and realized what she had done and appologized to me for having believed what she said and taking her side. However, others to this day still believe what she had said about me.

I left those communities years ago, and as recent as 18 months ago I was getting harassment comments left in my website's guestbook. I switched web hosts to one where the guestbook is moderated and after I switched the harassing comments continued for a month or so until they realized that their comments weren't being immediately published and that their IP address was being logged.

There are truly some really sick and twisted people in this world!

I haven't spoken to anyone or participated in that community for about 4 years or more but sometimes out of curiousity I go there and do a search for my old user name and sure enough, I still see that certain people resurrect my name from time to time to this day.

The reason I left that community was because of the high stress that it put on me. At first I pretended that it didn't bother me, and at first it didn't. But after months and years of it being hammered at you, it does take it's toll. To this day I can't believe that there are such malicious hurtful people in this world. It truly boggles my mind.
 

hurdyburdy

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I don't understand why some people feel the need to be so nasty on the internet.. I've never been involved in anything I would consider being bullied.
 

theimp98

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that sounds rough ,

i dont know, its the internet, i tend to ignore people, Even more then i do in the real world.

so i guess i have a bulit in ignore button
 

laureen227

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Originally Posted by theimp98

that sounds rough ,

i dont know, its the internet, i tend to ignore people, Even more then i do in the real world.

so i guess i have a bulit in ignore button
i have more a tendency to stick up for others than for myself... non-Biblical, called 'taking up another's offense', but i find it really hard to abstain...
 

gingersmom

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Embrace the ignore function - it really is a wonderful tool.
 

lillekat

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I have experienced similar things on other forums - and even in online poker rooms! People who play a game that involves just as much luck as it does skill, who cannot handle the fact that sometimes you win, someetimes you lose, shouldn't actually play
But, I digress - in both situations I hit the Ignore button and suddenly life was much, much more pleasant!

I have to say though, that regardless of how big TCS is, I think that we as individuals do our best to make sure that the site stays open and friendly. I've noticed - certainly regular posters - all respect one anothers opinions and ideas, regardless of their own. If we have differences of opinion, then we accept those differences and love each other just the same. I have yet to hear of someone "hunting" down another and giving them cyber-abuse. I think that TCS works wonderfully well - we have a great team of MODs and a close-knit community of people from around the world who all have a shared interest. This is probably the largest forum of complete softies anywhere on the planet!


Kudos to the TCS team, you're doing a great job!
 

addiebee

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Sorry to hear about that experience, Anne. Bullies lurk everywhere. The anonymity of the Internet helps fuel their nastiness, I have noticed. I used to participate on one of the local newspapers' forums, but the vitriol was so bad - not necessarily towards me but in general - that I opted out.

But before I left I emailed the moderators to complain and got absolutely no response.

Too bad.
 

strange_wings

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Several years ago as a result of my sticking up for the underdog in another community, I rubbed the "forum bullies" the wrong way and thus found myself with a bullseye painted on me.
...(not going to quote the whole lone post)
Do you mind if I ask what sort of category that community/forum fell into? ie - music, movie, any sort of "fandom"?

Myself, I've never been the victim of bullying on such a large scale - just a few dozen people who decided they didn't like me based on who I was friends with. I was mostly left alone directly as I can easily defend myself. Unfortunately, ignore function doesn't work in chat rooms where a person will keep switching names to harass you.


I usually only see such extreme actions out of the bullies when there's some fandom involved. It results in some weird fanatic/jealous type behavior that I'll never understand. Sadly, I can think of one other person that has such a bias against her online - to my knowledge the jokes, references, and general "hate" for the person still exists in the fandom more than 10 years later.

Years ago I described such groups as almost having a wolf pack behavior (but it's actually more ruthless), there's always a few vying to be the alpha and to hold this position they have someone to harass and pick on - it cements their power somehow, whether from giving the others the outlet to harass this person too or to just perpetuate fear among them. Those somewhere in the middle fall into the different roles. Sometimes disturbing to watch but strangely interesting to analyze.
 

trouts mom

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

She started to recruit people to her cause.

I would become friends with someone from the community, only in the end to find out that they were "working" for her and gathering information. I would see private discussions being posted around the internet with heavy editing to my part of the discussion. Sometimes it was completely made up. I eventually deleted everyone from my MSN and ICQ because I didn't know who was a true friend and who was just using me for malicious means.

As a result of her actions I suddenly found myself with many "enemies" and was receiving emails and private messages from various members of the community, even from people I had never seen around the boards before.

There are truly some really sick and twisted people in this world!

To this day I can't believe that there are such malicious hurtful people in this world. It truly boggles my mind.
I can relate Linda.

After going through it first hand, It makes me physically ill knowing that I have participated myself in this type of BS. I am ashamed of myself for that.
 

kaylacat

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I havn't really experienced it that much on forums. I have in online chat rooms though.

In yahoo chat there were a few in the room I went to that would steal peoples accounts, "boot" you all the time, make up nasty lies about you and do aything to start trouble.

Months back, someone I really didn't know too well came back online. (me and my friends have our own room now..to get away from people that bully in yahoo). She was the new girlfriend to someone I thought was one of my best friends online.

Well everything was fine for a little while, then she started to tell lies about me and my other female friend, but focused mainly on me for some reason (I think she was jealous of my relationship with the guy).

She ended up spreading alot of rumors, some believed them and stopped talking to me. She started blogs telling lies about me, stole one of my accounts, started a new room and tried to take alot of our regs with her, and still to this day she checks my blogs up to 20 times a day. The guy stopped talking to me and chose her over me..but honestly, I am glad I found out what a creep he truely was.

I just wish she would move on. Its actually to the point now where it is kind of scarey. Its like an obsession with her...she just refuses to move on and leave me alone. Even though I have made it to where she can't see anything on my blogs, she still checks them daily.

I never did anything to her to deserve any of it..but somewhere in her messed up head she got it set to mess with me.

Be careful... there are some crazy people online.
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by strange_wings

Do you mind if I ask what sort of category that community/forum fell into? ie - music, movie, any sort of "fandom"?
It was a gaming community, but it wasn't just on one forum. It started on one forum and spread to several other forums in that particular game's community.

I actually participated in a study of sorts about my online experience. Someone in Australia was working on a thesis about that type of behaviour where it relates to online games and their communities.

His findings were quite interesting. I'll try and do a google search and see if I can find it. There were also other articles about the mentality of those that do the bullying. Many do it just because they can and it gets them "high" to know that they are causing someone else grief. They simply enjoy it.

That sure says a great deal about what kind of person they are if they get their kicks out of intentionally hurting others.
 

crittermom

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Originally Posted by Trouts mom

I can relate Linda.

After going through it first hand, It makes me physically ill knowing that I have participated myself in this type of BS. I am ashamed of myself for that.
That makes 2 of us Nat.I am ashamed that I was ever a part of it.But, I did right my wrong in the end
 

gingersmom

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It's been my experience, both as a poster and as a moderator on a couple of non-cat related forums, that those who tend to engage most in this type of behavior generally have really low self esteem and not very many real life friends, so they go about trying to make themselves feel better by egging on others on the internet to get a reaction.

The more upset they can make their targets, the better they feel about themselves. And they feel safe in doing so online, for there is no REAL confrontation ocurring.

It's quite pathetic, really.
 

tierre0

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Originally Posted by GingersMom

Embrace the ignore function - it really is a wonderful tool.
My thoughts exactly..I really enjoy my internet time and most people I have communicate with have been very nice...But it only takes one bad apple and the best thing to do with a bad apple is chuck it out before it spoils everything..
 

strange_wings

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

It was a gaming community, but it wasn't just on one forum. It started on one forum and spread to several other forums in that particular game's community.
I can sort of see how there would already be a competitive environment there, or at least some need for a person to prove themselves.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I actually participated in a study of sorts about my online experience. Someone in Australia was working on a thesis about that type of behaviour where it relates to online games and their communities.

His findings were quite interesting. I'll try and do a google search and see if I can find it.
I was certain others have noted the behavior and analyzed it to some point. It makes for an interesting study if one has time to watch things play out. Actually... it's a bit like high school, except that some never outgrow and move on from it. I would like to read that paper if you can find it.

Someone should try making a study of music forums/communities, particularly those dedicated to one band. I've read of people referring to a forum for Journey as if it were some level of hell.


Originally Posted by GingersMom

It's been my experience, both as a poster and as a moderator on a couple of non-cat related forums, that those who tend to engage most in this type of behavior generally have really low self esteem and not very many real life friends, so they go about trying to make themselves feel better by egging on others on the internet to get a reaction.
You're right there. Often their self esteem is low - like typical bullies or their lives are just miserable. They're not happy so they want everyone else unhappy too.
 

crazyforinfo

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Originally Posted by strange_wings

I can sort of see how there would already be a competitive environment there, or at least some need for a person to prove themselves.

I was certain others have noted the behavior and analyzed it to some point. It makes for an interesting study if one has time to watch things play out. Actually... it's a bit like high school, except that some never outgrow and move on from it. I would like to read that paper if you can find it.

Someone should try making a study of music forums/communities, particularly those dedicated to one band. I've read of people referring to a forum for Journey as if it were some level of hell.



You're right there. Often their self esteem is low - like typical bullies or their lives are just miserable. They're not happy so they want everyone else unhappy too.
Sometimes it is not just about self esteem issues or how many friends you have. Ever notice a bully has a flock of sheep? Now and then a few fall off while others join.

What I don't get is the sheep that sit back while it's going on. They think be not speaking up there are staying out of it. In my mind the are condoning the actions of the bully.

Yes I have been around it and I was a sheep that left the herd. I will not let any of my friends be a victim.

What also saddens me is these are adults!!
 

crittermom

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Originally Posted by Crazyforinfo

Sometimes it is not just about self esteem issues or how many friends you have. Ever notice a bully has a flock of sheep? Now and thne a few fall off while others join.

What I don't get is the sheep that sit back while it's going on. They think be not speaking up there are staying out of it. In my mind the are condoning the actions of the bully.

Yes I have been around it and I was a sheep that left the herd. I will not let any of my friends be a victim.

What also saddens me is these are adults!!
couldn't agree more.And another thing, those saying they have never been apart of it---are more than likely trying to hide the fact that they were.

Look at the *incident* here with a poster.Said poster was ran off by *some*.Said person came back because of.........................................ME!! I contacted said poster and asked that HE come back.Told him that he has ALOT of peeps that want him here.Myself included.
 

strange_wings

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Oh I defended my friends and any that were just unlucky enough to stumble into the mess without knowing what was going on. This is how I managed to make a few enemies. I stayed out of the power struggles between groups/cliques - there was nothing to be gained there.


I often noted that even their "flock" was tormented in some way. Individuals would be insulted and constantly turned on but because they wanted to stay within the in group they would take it, and in turn repeat the process themselves on those of lower ranking. The lowest person got it on all sides. Often one or a few would move up in so called status, take over for months at a time then would fall - taking their dedicated "following" with them.
Very strange, yet I myself was guilty of having my own group (no ranking in the group, I serve more like a glue to keep people together) and would mostly keep to my friends. Out of self defense or just natural human social behavior, I'm not sure. Maybe both.

Originally Posted by crittermom

Look at the *incident* here with a poster.Said poster was ran off by *some*.Said person came back because of.........................................ME!!
I'm so oblivious to some of the group/clique workings on there that I don't even know what incident you're referring to. I've become quite annoyed with a few on here, and more than once thought of leaving completely.... but then realized that often the ones behaving that way contributed nothing to the forum elsewhere - such as where I was more active.
 

clairebear

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I've only been bullied online once. I was a member of a horse related game, and when my "virtual stable" started beating thiers they felt the need to email/im me constantly to harrass me. For awhile I argued back and forth with them, but eventually I just ignored it and they quit bothering me.
 
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