Pregnancy--who else is discouraged by the impossibility?

The thread about the woman powerwashing her child sparked the idea for this thread.

I am 22 years old and at age 17 began medications that I knew could potentially keep me from getting pregnant.

What makes my situation different than those of infertility is that my situation is a personal choice so to speak. I am not infertile and my medications do not make me infertile. But to get pregnant I would have to stop my medications--something I am not sure I am prepared to do. The biggest concerns are my health (physical and emotional) and whether or not it is a safe and healthy environment for the baby that would be inside me.

So now as a married woman at age 22 almost 23 I am spending my time with a zillion doctors determining what is safe for me and a baby.

For those women dealing with infertility or perhaps a situation like mine (which I have not found many) how do you deal day to day?

Does it break your heart every time you hear someone is pregnant? Do you question whether or not there is a bigger reason and that perhaps you just aren't meant to give birth? Do you like me feel like you are letting your husband and/or family down?

I felt that I was letting people down--especially my husband, but I'm slowly getting past that. I do know one person who thinks less of me, my mother-in-law. She thinks I should just go off the medication and deal with what comes.

**I take 3 daily medications for migraine headaches.

Leslie

I'm so sorry to read your story

as far as I know I'm fertile, however my brother and SIL tried to become pregnant for 3 years. Unfortunately the fertilized egg never fully embedded itself. It was hard on them and finally they have decided to adopt since they both really want children but are unable to produce one.

Would adopting be an option for you? It would still provide a child while keeping you on your medications (which I understand as well...a roommate I had in college took daily meds for her migraines and other conditions).

Originally Posted by Jack31

Does it break your heart every time you hear someone is pregnant? Do you question whether or not there is a bigger reason and that perhaps you just aren't meant to give birth? Do you like me feel like you are letting your husband and/or family down?

Click to expand...

I have polycystic ovary syndrome and have since I was in my teens. I'm currently 46 years old.

I was told that I would still be able to have kids but would probably need fertility drugs to do so.

The doctor was a bit taken aback when I practically jumped for joy when I was told about having polycystic ovary and the fact that fertility drugs would more than likely be needed to get pregnant.

See, I've never wanted kids and in fact I went to my doctor when I was 17 years old and asked to have my tubes tied, but he wouldn't do it because I was "too young to know what I wanted and that as I got older I would want kids." I've known all my life that I didn't want kids. Whenever I played with dolls I was "baby sitting" them and never playing "mommy and baby." I still don't want kids and can't wait for menopause! Even when I have been in really serious relationships I've never wanted kids.

Not wanting kids does not make me a bad person. I just don't have the patience for kids and I don't like being around them for long periods of time. Plus I'm extremely selfish with my time and like to do what I want, when I want and I don't like being obligated to share that time with anyone, when I don't want to. A child is a huge responsibity, obligation and intrusion that I didn't want in my life.

So far as hearing that women are pregnant? I'm happy for them if that's what they want to do with their lives.

If people ask me if I have any kids I just tell them no. If they ask if I plan on having any or when I am going to have some, I just tell them "I'm not!" and leave it at that.

I always figured that if the need to "go forth and multiply" ever hit me that I would adopt a child that was 5 years or older because they have a bit of independence and can tell you if their stomach hurts.

I know married women who have been married 10 plus years and don't want to have kids and they still get asked by people who ask when they plan on having kids Just because someone is married doesn't automatically mean they want to have kids. And TBH it's very rude of people to even ask that question. Sometimes people voluntarily don't want kids and other times there are medical reasons behind it. Eitherway it's no one's business.

You do what you want. You don't feel badly because you feel you aren't living up to someone else's expectations of you. It's your life, your body and your decision.

Thanks for your kind words.

We will most certainly adopt if I cannot get pregnant. We intend on having a house full regardless.

It's just been a dream of mine to carry a baby. I've already made a pact with God that if he gives me the chance I'll enjoy every second of it--even morning sickness. But I also know that it is truly up to God and if pregnancy isn't an option it is because there are other children already out there who need my husband and I for parents.

I have a fair bit of peace about the situation. Although every once and awhile it gets the best of me. Two weeks ago I sat and held my best friends (15 years of friendship) baby boy, just 10 days old. She's single and had no intention of being a mom--but she made a bad choice. She told me 3 weeks after my wedding she was pregnant and I didn't see her until 4 weeks before the baby was born--I couldn't I was too upset. I just didnt think it was fair that someone who didn't even want a baby had one and I who wanted one so badly didn't. It took me 7 months to tell her that and to finally see her. I deeply regret missing that time with her.

We learn from our mistakes and I know now I need to be happy for her--she's going through something amazing, she's raising a child that will call me "aunt".

Leslie

I totally admire people who are willing to say--I don't want kids.

Unfortunately too many people these days see having kids as just another thing to add to their lists of things to do. It's the norm so to speak. If more people realized that having kids should be a personal choice our children social services wouldn't be so bogged down.

I've explored adoption sites etc and was shocked to see children adopted internationally and then put back up for adoption again by the adoptive parents.

Leslie

I did want kids but it never happened. I would have to stop Meds to have them too. I even thought about Adopting but it cost t much so I gave up.

I understand the cost issue. It's expensive.

I have done all the research I can so that if adoption is the only way we dont have to wait 10 years to make it happen.

We have made the decision to do foster/adopt--we absolutely can't afford to adopt internationally (especially because we want 3-4 kids). Even if means having to give up babies we are attached to. We firmly understand that if they are returned to their families we provided them what they needed at the time and are better off with their parents. We know God will bring us the right children.

Leslie

My Mom was Adopted and my Grandparents were the best. They treated my Mom real well. My Mom died from Breast Cancer in 1999. I am searching for our Medical History on my Moms side but have not got anywhere.

Oh, honey, I feel for you. I'm not on medication but DH was that maked him basically sterile. That is one of the many reasons we broke up over 10 years ago. He's stopped the medicine and we've been married for over 2 years, and nothing. Which, at our age we're not really disappointed. We feel if it happens, it's meant to be.

I know you want a child, and I can understand that. So do I...somedays.

But, I wanted to tell you...I was adopted as a baby. My mother was pregant twice..first was still born and second was a miscarriage. After that, they decided to adopt. The adoption process was probably MUCH easier in 1969 because they had an supplus of babies to adopt and I think all they had to pay was court fees and home inspections. It was a state adoption. I actually got to interview my case worker about the process of adoption for a project in high school, which was really cool.

I could never have asked for greater parents. I can completely understand your desire to have your own child but it's not a good idea to put your own heath at risk to do that. I don't know much about cronic migraines, but I DO know they can affect your entire body and definitely WOULDN'T be good for a baby.

Don't care what your MIL says...it's not her body and it's not her child.

I understand I have PCOS and a few other fertility issues to which my doctor has said my chances of having a baby and not miscarrying are very slim. It is possible though- and what gives me hope is that you just do not know unless you try.

I am getting married at the end of the month and then after that i'm going back to my OBGYN to get a reference for a fertility specialist to see what they think and what course of action is best. I'll likely start taking medicine to help increase my chances of concieving after they run the tests they want to and decide my body is ready. Have faith- sometimes things work out amazingly well sweetie- you never know! If you let the thought of "possibly" not being able to have kids get to you like it did me when i was first diagnosed- it's depressing and frusterating. That is no way to live. You have to have hope for the future! My hope is that i'll be able to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnany and a healthy baby as a result that we will love and cherish. If we are unable to concieve on our own- we would LOVE to adopt an older child in need (they always get overlooked for the younger ones) (we are considering that even if we are able to have kids of our own).

Take it one day at a time and take good care of yourself- eat right, exercise, take your vitamins....the better care you take of yourself, the better your body will respond if by chance you are able to concieve! Don't let the stress of possibly being able to not have a pregnancy scare you and worry you- doctors at best can only give us a guess- they do not know the future, sometimes the things you expect the least happen! Who knows- you and I both may be able to concieve someday without any problems! Wouldn't that be wonderful Keep your chin up! I'm only a pm away if you ever need to talk. I understand how those feeling can be overwhelming sometimes Try to stay positive and just take it one day at a time.

Leslie, please do not feel guilty for not having a baby. You are only 22. Have the doctor's said that it is 100 % that the meds are keeping you from being pregnant? I didn't get a sense of it from your post.
I feel for you especially when you see your friends with babies. You may want to try counseling for these feelings. But, again, you are really so young. Maybe the meds could change or maybe things will work out in other ways.
Hang in there and my for you and your husband.
Rosemary

For me, it's not a personal choice of NOT getting pregnant, it's just turning out that way. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for five loooong years. We have been doing fertility drugs for the past two and a half years. I'm almost 33, and my time is running out quickly. I don't want to be pregnant in my forties. When you turn 35, the chances of something going wrong are greatly increased.

It's hard when you go through multiple surgeries to try and help getting pregnant, gain weight from the fertility drugs, having to keep basil temperature charts constantly, and have horrid mood swings from the drugs, only to be disappointed month after month. I just keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end. I just had a miscarrriage, and the only other time that I was pregnant (two years ago) turned out to be a tubal. I just started seeing another doctor, and in a couple of months I will be having my first round of artificail insemination done. I really hope this works.

As far as adoption, that isn't in the cards for me, for financial and personal reasons. I want the whole pregnancy experience. I want to see myself with a big tummy, feel the baby kick, have morning sickness, the works. I want it so badly that I can almost taste it. So if this artificial insemination doesn't work, I don't know how I will handle it.

It's hard when you see posts with everyone getting pregnant and having babies.... even harder when it's happening with your real life friends and family. I DO get bitter about it sometimes. I just try and spend time with my hubby because it's easy to get lost in yourself, and I know this is hard on him too. My SIL had her baby boy five days before I was diagnosed with the tubal. Now THAT felt horrid to me. Everyone expected me to be all sunshine and flowers about her baby, but I just couldn't when my own baby died. None of them understood. It was hard to be around her baby, sometimes it is still difficult for me to be around him. Sometimes I feel like life just isn't fair....I mean look at all of these horrible mothers that didn't even want their babies to start with. Mothers that abuse their children.... it's horrid to see them basicly throw away their children when I would do ANYTHING to have one.

I don't have any profound advice about handling the disappointment, I have a hard time when it comes to that part. I usually go into the bathroom and have a good cry by myself. Then I pull myself together, and face the world and try again for next month. It's an emotional roller coaster, that's for certain.

I not only have problems with being infertile, I am also on medications for migraines and seizures. I know what you mean about getting off of the drugs. I am disabled. I have debilitating migraines, tri geminal neuroalgia, and seizures. I had to go off of my beta blockers, and it has NOT been fun. I even had a head surgery last summer to help my migraines. They went in through my eyes, and stripped away a bunch of nerves and muscles in my head so I can't feel the pain as badly. It helped at first, but the weather fronts in the fall and winter are still rough on me. I still get at least 4 migraines per week. I still take my imitrex. When that doesn't work, I go to the ER and get an IV medication done. I can't go off of my anti convulsant yet. My doctors will probably start weaning me off to see what happens soon. There are days when I ask myself, is this even worth it? But then I think, if you want something badly enough, sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal. I will go off of my remaining medications when I am actually pregnant. My doctor knows what I'm on, so it's all done under medical supervision. When I was pregnant with the tubal, my headaches were actually MUCH better. My doctor told me that this happens with alot of women. Either their headaches will stop all together, or if they have never had headaches to start with, they might start getting them. Just something to think about when you are scared to quit taking you migraine drugs.

I wish you all the luck in the world, I know how it feels. Other people will say they understand, and might tell you to get over it, (my Mother) but if they don't actually go through it themselves, they can't POSSIBLY understand the misery of it all. If you ever need to talk, or just need a shoulder to cry on, PM me anytime. I've been dealing with this crap for five years now, so I know what you are going through.
~Rosemary

I have 2 little boys you can have!

Kidding........


Seriously, I had both my boys before I was 23.... Take your time and think it through. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys to pieces! But I sometimes sit back and wonder how in the world I did it. Especially having my oldest son @ 18.
Anyways.....
You might have to stay on the medication not just for yourself, but for your child/ren.
Adopting would be a great idea as there are many children out there that need a family to love an care for them!

Vibes that either adoption or natural conception you're able to get have the joy of raising a child!

i am 35 and have never had a child. i want one more than anything in this world. i have three x step daughters who still love me and i cry alot still cause i have none of my own. I have never had a doctor tell me i cannot have kids but something happened when i was really little (5-6) and i was never seen by a doctor for it so i do not know if it has an effect. I have only been in one relationship that it was possible to get pregnant (using no birthcontrol) and i was with him for a little over two years. He has a child with another woman so it was not him but truthfully during the time when i was ovulating mysterioiusly it always seemed that was when we didnt have sex so i dont think the timing was ever right and i didnt want kids with him, i mean i did but he would have been a bad dad. BUT now i am with an awesome man who is going to be the best daddy a kid could have who wants to have a big family, right now we are trying to prevent it but plan to in a year or two. It feels right and sometimes i truly believe the time was not right for me to have them and now i wont have problems getting preg. all i can do is wait to see. I understand your pain tho and hope for nothing but the best for you!

I knew when my DH and I got married that the likelyhood of him fathering a child was almost impossible. I never did get pregnant. Rusty and Dusty are our kids.

I am actually thankful that we don't have kids. DH has a disorder that caused his sterility. If I was to get pregnant, there would be a 50/50 chance of the child having this disorder. This can cause a child to be mentally handicapped.

I also have Neurofibromatosis. (NF) which causes tumors and growths both inside and outside the body. I always knew I had it but didn't think much of it. I have found out since that this can be very very debilitating. My brother is in a wheelchair partly because of the disorder. His oldest daughter was almost paralized because of the sculiosis surgery she had to have. Any child I gave birth to would have a 50/50 chance of having this disorder.

So the chance of DH and I having a child with either of the disorders was 50%, the chance of having BOTH was 25%, and 25% of having a child that didn't have any disorder. The odds were stacked against us.

Early in our marriage, it broke my heart that we didn't have kids. But I have learned to deal with it. When people ask how many kids I have or why I never had kids, I just tell them that we couldn't have them and couldn't afford to adopt.

I love kids, but they are just not for me. I am too old and set in my ways. I don't want a "change of life baby" which is what I would have if I got pregnant now.

I too understand how it feels to not have children. I too have PCOS. I have gone though all the emotions about not having children yet, anger, resentment, major depression, fustration and many more. I am 31 and i realize that my "window" is closing quickly and it kills me alittle more inside each day. My bf wants children and i feel its not fair to him that i cant be that person for him. Sometimes i wonder if its just best to let him move on. But i do have faith in God that someday when the time is right he will allow me this blessing. I have hope to, through my friend Erin who had pcos and has two beautiful boys. Sometimes i wonder what i ever did so wrong as to be punished in this way. I love children and would do anything to have one of my own. I have thought of adoption, its a very expensive and long proccess, one that all too often ends in heartbreak. My sister has an adopted son (18yrs old now who has a child of his own now) who was taken away just after the adoption was final because he made some rather poor choices. I dont really resent women who i see that are pregnant (unless i know they are not fit to be a parent). But the ones i do resent, almost to a point of hatered are people who have children who do not care for them properly or abuse them. If i am already feeling down seeing someone who is pregnant will often make me sad. I couldnt begin to tell you the number of nights i have sat alone and cried over this. My major question in life is why is it that people who dont deserve children can breed like rabbits but those of us who would give anything for the chance cant have even one. But one day my sister said something that really spoke to me. She said "If everyone in the world could have children, then who would be left to care for the ones that noone wants or cares for". And if you really think about it, thats very true. If we could all have all the kids we want, who would have room or resources enough to help those abused, abandoned and unloved children? Think of it the same way you do your pets, you already have a housefull and there are thousands in shelters waiting for adoption, but you are already "full". Its also the same in the fact that people want babies, not the older ones with excess bagage-the same way people want puppies or kittens instead of the adult ones. I would love to even be able to adopt, but there is no way i can pay thousands of dollars required to even begin the process.

Last october i had a tubal pregnancy, its been 5 months. one of my bosses just had her baby two days ago, and yesterday i just bawled my eyes out. I would be 6 months pregnant by now, we have alot of students that are pregnant at the school (i teach adults) All of my collegues are in their 30's and desperately want a child already, and sometimes they make hurtful comments towards me because it seems like they already forgot i was already pregnant and had a painful surgery.
FH is just as sad as I am, he feels terrible when i see pregnant women, and he has learnt not to put a movie on where there are pregnant women who give birth, because last time he did i cried so much and he couldnt do anything other than just hold me.

I am not jealous of other women when they are pregnant, I just hope they have a smooth safe healthy pregnancy.

And you are right, people who dont want them usually get them. My ex has a child and i presume its healthy its already nearly 1 years old and he was always the one who swore he never wanted children.

The doctors have told me that i can get pregnant again and that everything should be fine as long as the egg doesnt implant it self wrongly, but i am just so afraid of losing another one.

An OB/GYN surgeon that I work with, went through years and years of fertility drugs, and GIFT and ZIFT procedures (once, even using her sister's eggs.) She was never able to become pregnant, even though her sister has a slew of children (5 or 6, I can't remember.) I always imagined how difficult it was for her, having patients who were pregnant, helping patients become pregnant, preventing pregnancy for others, and delivering babies (both wanted ones, and unwanted ones) every day, while she and her husband struggled and struggled, trying to conceive. When she was 47-ish, they finally decided to adopt. Their little girl is actually a spitting image of her husband, and it's difficult to tell that she's adopted, just by looking at her. This little girl has the most loving home and blessed life.

I, on the other hand, always expected that I'd have a child. Unfortunately, I divorced when I was 30 years old, and have never found anyone that I would like to have a child with. I never was brave enough to go it alone, so my biological clock has pretty much run down. At 49, there's not much hope of having children. I really don't mind, because I'm quite content with my life the way it is. Sometimes life has other plans for you, than the plans that you have for yourself.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. I know what it's like to have terrible migraines....I have at least one or two a week. Thankfully, Imitrex takes care of them for me. I can't believe that your mother-in-law is so rude and insensitive to your dilemma. That woman needs a lesson or ten on compassion and a mega dose of MYOB!

During my early 20s, I had a couple of miscarriages. I was a little sad, but smart enough to realize that this was a sign that there would have been major problems with the baby.
I spent Christmas (age 24) in the hospital, after a major surgery for abdominal pain. My first fear was cancer (thankfully not) as I had more pain and tubes than I had expected. During the surgery, they had called in an OB/GYN to look at the mess I was in. Turns out I had a uters that had only partially developed, a right ovary that was hiding under my right kidney, no supporting ligaments or blood supply coming from the right side.
The day I met with the OB/GYN to be told I would never have children and should adopt was the same day that my s-i-l announced she was pregnant. While I was happy for her, I couldn't help crying all of the time.

We started the adoption process immediately. I decided that having children without having to go through pregnancy, labor and delivery was not a bad thing. I had worked on the OB/GYN floors for years, so I had seen it enough.
Imagine my surprise when I immediately got pregnant. I had to quit work, spend a lot of time in bed and delivered early - only 3 weeks after my s-i-l. The delivery room was packed - my OB, an anesthansologist for me and one for the baby, the neonatolgist, the nurses. The medical helicopter was on standby on the helipad outside the hospital to transport the baby to the nearby children's hospital with a higher level nursery.

I honestly would have been just as happy with an adoption. I just wanted the healthy baby.