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Help!! 18 yr old Pursuing my 14 yr old!!! - Page 2

post #31 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilleKat View Post
I think you'll be surprised how many 14 year olds think it's cool to have much older friends.
I think that's part of the problem. I know one of the girls i work with went through a terrible time with her young teenage son with older boys. He was 13 at the time and wanted to be older than he was and thought it was great hanging out with the older ones, and we say this is how he's now a heavy drinker at 16

Kids are growing up too quickly before they should be these days.
post #32 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosiemac View Post
I think that's part of the problem. I know one of the girls i work with went through a terrible time with her young teenage son with older boys. He was 13 at the time and wanted to be older than he was and thought it was great hanging out with the older ones, and we say this is how he's now a heavy drinker at 16

Kids are growing up too quickly before they should be these days.
That's where being a responsible parent and stepping in BEFORE those kinds of things can happen. Just like the OP here needs to do, although I do agree that calling the police might be a bit much at this point.

Your friend's son is still responsible for his own life, no one makes you take a drink. Just as the OP's daughter can cut off communication with the 18 YO, it's her choice to stay in touch.

The 14 YO is still a minor living at home, so she can lose the phone and internet access, and without that, there's not a lot of chance that an 18 YO will be getting in contact with them.

You can't make anyone do anything, really. You can only guide them towards better outcomes.
post #33 of 59
Ok first off.. this is my IMO.. ((so please dont put me down.. im just trying to throw my 2cents in)).

One of my Best Friends is 25.. im 16. Ive known "Him" for almost 5 yrs. He however has never said I Love You to me (if he had then I would have said something to him cause im not interested in guys that old) so that is a lil weird coming from an adult Female.. Unless.. she means it in like say.. an Older Sisterly way.
My 25yr old friend was the oldest friend my mom let me hang out with.. I didnt think anything of it ((and still dont)) because I was actually convinced that this guy was Gay... I personally thought he was, he acted like it and always had female friends ((not girlfriends)).. I later found out he wasnt of course.
Well are still friends now and he occasionally even flies up here from FL to visit.
Now I agree.. investigate further before calling the Police.. but yes, it is your daughter so your choice on how to handle the situation.

Oh and I also say I love you to my closest friends.. not in a sexual way, im totally straight. My one Best Friend ((Shes a Bi, btw)) ive known for almost 10yrs and I say it to her like my Older sister and I say it to each other.
So unless this 18yr old is saying it in such a manner that it sounds more that a "Friendship" i love you.. than id look further.
post #34 of 59
Thread Starter 
18 yr 0ld
I hope that you don't drop me. You just make me so happy and i wish i was with you right now to hold u close to me. Trust me when i say that I am not going to turn my back on you and that i am going to be here for u. I don't plan on going any where any time soon.

<333


my daughters response:
hehe. well im happy tht it makes u happy and puts a smile on ur face and tht is reassures you because i dont want u to think tht im just gonna drop u. and trust me im not gonna turn my bak on u
<33

18 yr old
I don't just like it though, I love it. It makes me happy inside and puts a smile on my face. It also reassure's me that you aren't going to turn your back on me.

Does this sound like the 18 yr old just wants to be friends? I am not going to run to the police I am going to go to the School and advise my daughters counselor about this situation. The 18 yr old goes to the same school as my daughter.

This is not the only 14 yr old this 18 yr old is sending messages like this to. My oldest daughter 17 said that this girl has 3-4 other freshmen she is involved with like this. One of the 18 yr olds friend actually came to my 17 yr old and told her to watch out for her lil sis becuz the 18 yr old was going to have "FUN" with the "FRESHMEN" this year.

As a mom I can not allow this relationship to continue. This isn't a "friend" saying I LOVE YOU. This is just wrong.

My 14 yr old just met this girl 2 weeks ago.
post #35 of 59
That's made me feel uncomfortable so goodness knows how it must make you feel I totally agree with having a word with the school as well.
post #36 of 59
Ok, now I would seriously talk to your daughter. Are you sure she isn't just telling you what she thinks you want to hear from her? That actually sounds like there's more than just a "friends" thing on her part, too. That response from your daughter is a little bit too... I dunno... calculated? I think. it definitely clears up that this 18 year old is indeed interested in something more than just a friendship - but it still leaves the question open as to whether or not this is more on your daughter's side. Is there something more and she is trying to build or keep an existing relationship with her, without trying to alarm you? Is there nothing, but your daughter is curious? I would ask those questions, if possible.
post #37 of 59
I agree that it doesnt sound like your daughter is just an innocent bystander in this.
You need to sit down and TALK to your daughter. And also talk to the other girls parents.
If you call the cops, right away without trying to talk things out you will ruin your daughters trust and thats the last thing either of you need.
post #38 of 59
Thread Starter 
Good news everyone.

Wanted to let everyone know they are safe from ever having any personal infor. released from a school. I went to the school to see if I could get the name of the mother of the 18 yr old. They said "NO" I explained that I had a situation that involved my daughter and this student and I wanted to speak to the parent about this. They said abosuletly NO!!!! I was also told that under the circumstances unless I saw the 2 together in a physical/emotional embrace beyond freindly then I may be able to do something but even then I would not be able to contact police because no crime has occured.

So I hope everyone can sleep better now that the School Administration will not give out any personal infor,phone, address, etc. ect. ..
post #39 of 59
Wow, that text was pretty intense..she wants to hold your daughter? Your daughter is a child!
post #40 of 59
They can't just give out information of a family member because they don't know what you could do. Even if you do have a situation, they don't know to what extent the situation is, and if you might take measures into your own hand and stop the situation. Just because you say one thing, doesn't mean you're going to do the same.

And IMO, it also sounds like your daughter isn't just an innocent bystander. From the looks of that text message, it seems like she still wants to be "involved" with this person - whether just friends or more.
post #41 of 59
Ok yea.. those texts were a lil.. out there. Maybe it is a lil more than an "friendly" I love you.
post #42 of 59
Look why dont you just accept the fact that your little daughter is not as innocent as you think and start talking to her about it instead of going crazy at the 18 year old? I know it would be much easier to blame it all on the 18 year old because she is older and supposedly wiser, but you really need to get through to your daughter first instead of turning her into your enemy.. She is going through puberty so she is very confused.
post #43 of 59
I'm sorry you are not getting anywhere with the schools. I hope you are able to find a solution. Though right now, it sounds like talking with your daughter honestly about her feelings is the only option I can think of.

Now commentary:

First of all, male or female, the 18-year-old is an adult. As such she is responsible for her actions, no matter how confused.

Second of all, the mother here is still responsible for her 14-year-old and it doesn't matter if the 14-year-old is not totally innocent in the issue. The mother needs to be able to do everything she can to protect her daughter. That includes restricting her association with certain people. No decent parent would drop the issue.

It is interesting how when the gender changed, also the tone of the discussion.
post #44 of 59
If the 18 year old is also contacting other minors, then this is an even more serious situation. I do think, however, that going to the police at this point is not going to do anyone any good.

You need to talk honestly and openly with your daughter to begin with and without anger and accusations.
post #45 of 59
Before I post, I want to let you know that I read the first page, but none of the other posts, so please forgive me if any of this has been covered before.

No, schools can't give out personal information unless you are a direct relative of the person concerned (and can show proof). However, there are ways that you can deal with the problem (with the school helping you) that won't violate any legal issues or put anyone "at risk".

I would suggest that you go back to the school and ask to speak to the counselor (or the administrator). Explain the situation and your concerns (bring the texting as evidence). Ask for a sit-down meeting with the girls, counselor, admin, and parents on both sides to "bring the situation to light". If both parental parties and the administration are made aware of the problem, it will be easier for you to resolve it. The school may not give out personal info, but should agree to a sit-down meeting OR individual meetings with child/family involved along with the evidence that you have so that everyone knows what is going on and what the results of such activity (if it goes any further) could be (i.e. police involvement). By meeting on school grounds (or doing individual meetings) there is no risk of anyone finding out anyone else's address, etc. Also by having the counselor/admin there, you "cover your tail" in terms of everyone knowing what has been said.

Does she attend the same school as the 18yr old? Is the high school near the middle school? Is the 18 year old even in school? How did she "meet" your daughter? If she is out of school and has been "lurking" around school property this should be a conern to the middleschool. Even if not, the school should be made aware so that they will know something fishy is going if they see something.

Also, if you haven't already take up your daughter's phone if she refuses to break contact with the 18 year old...you are paying the bills so it is your right as a parent to inforce your ruels... Also take away her computer time (or supervise ALL computer time) if you think she may be chatting with this person online.

HTH,
Art
post #46 of 59
Correct me if I'm wrong here. The 18 year old is an adult. The 14 year old is a minor. The age of consent where this is occuring is 18 years of age. How is possible sexual contact between an 18 year old and a 14 year old not illegal? If the school refuses to do anything about it, I don't believe you have any other recourse besides contacting the police.
post #47 of 59
I'm just going to throw in my opinion... What I have to say has nothing to do against gays - my best friend and my brother are both gay.

When I was 14 I had my first kiss. When I was 15 I was raped. I had my innocence taken away at a young age by someone who claimed to be my friend. He was 18 at the time, but in Tennessee there is a 4 year law - because I was 15 it wasn't stagitory. First of all, be glad that you even know this is happening. I was too afraid to talk to my parents. If I had, maybe that wouldn't have happened to me. I strongly urge you to take your daughter to a coucelor and talk. She is so young that she probably doesn't understand the feelings she is having. Talking to the 18 yr olds parents isn't going to matter because she is 18. She's a legal adult. All you can do is notify the school of your concearns, and if things don't stop, talk to the police. Maybe an officer could talk to her without anything going on her record - put a liitle fear in her. Your daughter is too young to be dealing with all of this - I agree with you on that. She needs to know about the world, though. Please take her to talk to someone.

Good luck.
post #48 of 59
Thread Starter 
I want to say thank you to everyone for your insight. I know my last message was intense becuz I had just returned from the school and had recieved the news that I would not be able to get the name of the 18 yr olds mothers. I was shocked becuz my 14 yr old is a minor and the 18 yr old is an ADULT - Senior at High School - my daughter is a freshman at the same school.

I spoke to the School Resource Officer - Police Officer from our county and he did explain that even if I went right to the police they would not be able to help me unless my daughter made a statement to the police that she was being harassed. Good information to know.

So anyway. I spoke with my daughter and we had a very good conversation. She said that she wasn't sure what to do. Yes she made some statements to this 18 yr old but she was not wanting to be her "girlfriend" she said she wanted to be a "good friend".

To make a long story short my daughter and I had a good discussion this afternoon she said she was glad we talked and under the cicumstances it would problably be best to not be friends with the 18 yr old.

I am surprised by the response to this situation. I never in a million years would think that anyone would support the idea that an 18 yr old pursueing a 14 yr old was ok. It really kinda boggles my mind. I guess I am naive as well. Well my eyes have been opened. I thought I was spending enough time with my daughters well i guess not enough. I told my girls that I love them no matter what and that we keep on talking. Nothing can surprise me anymore. (Now that I said that, ohhh my)

Thanks again -

post #49 of 59
I would call his parents. Sure he's an "adult", but I garentee Mom and Dad won't be too happy about it either and take your daughter's phone away.
post #50 of 59
I'm so glad you and your daughter connected. I think you both have benefited from this and I hope you continue to grow closer together.
post #51 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinkrbl5 View Post
Well my eyes have been opened. I thought I was spending enough time with my daughters well i guess not enough. I told my girls that I love them no matter what and that we keep on talking. Nothing can surprise me anymore. (Now that I said that, ohhh my)
That's a very good thing. When I was younger, I was afraid to talk to my mom about things because I thought that she would be upset.
post #52 of 59
good job talking with your daughter! That's the first step in keeping your daughter's trust and knowing that she can go to you in case she has a problem. "Assuming" there is a problem and bypassing her for the police, etc would really embarrass her and basically shut you out and possibly make her rebellious.

You know...the funny thing is that I remember being in HS and if you were a freshman dating a senior you were the luckiest girl ever. Of course this was all before statutory rape laws and I went to a school where many of the parents spoiled their children.

Anyhoo, the fact that your daughter drew the line with this girl and she continues to hint or text your daughter these weird messages tells me this friend doesn't respect your daughters wishes. Maybe youre daughter is confused at how to handle this and doesn't want to be "mean". If this senior made threats of messing with some freshmen why doesn't your older step up and tell her to leave lil sis alone?
post #53 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by glitch View Post
Im looking at this very differently than everyone on here! When I was 14 I had friends, both male and female that were 18. We told each other we loved each other all the time, and 11 years later we still do! Its nothing sexual. Do you love your friends?? I would check out the situation better, talk to the girl in person before you do anything drastic if you havn't already talked to her face to face already! Me and my friends are as straight as they come and are all married, but we tell each other we love each other all the time.

How are the texts worded?? Like whats the whole text say?? Its hard to go off of 3 words what the OP really means!
Quote:
Originally Posted by tinkrbl5 View Post
Good news everyone.

Wanted to let everyone know they are safe from ever having any personal infor. released from a school. I went to the school to see if I could get the name of the mother of the 18 yr old. They said "NO" I explained that I had a situation that involved my daughter and this student and I wanted to speak to the parent about this. They said abosuletly NO!!!! I was also told that under the circumstances unless I saw the 2 together in a physical/emotional embrace beyond freindly then I may be able to do something but even then I would not be able to contact police because no crime has occured.

So I hope everyone can sleep better now that the School Administration will not give out any personal infor,phone, address, etc. ect. ..
Dont remember ever saying it was okay, I think I just said it needed to be checked out further... If I was in your boat, I would probably have your 17 y/o daughter give me the parents names... Since it was made blatently clear that the 18 y/o is interested in a little more than she should be!! I dont think gender should change the situation at all except people do have older friends.
post #54 of 59
Good job on talking to your daughter and both of you opening up to each other. Its a great thing that she knows that she can turn to you now.
post #55 of 59
I'm so glad it worked out =]
After reading those messages, even though your daughter seemed not "innocent" in it all, it did seem like she was being targeted by the 18 year old. Sometimes 14 year olds will think it's cool, but the 18 year olds just think it's funny. It really sickens me. A really similar thing happened to me at the same age, and it didn't work out as well as your situation - but I do have to say I don't regret it, because it's made me more intelligent socially!

Again, I'm so glad it worked out =] I didn't start talking to my mum about everything until I was 17. It's good you guys are talking now =]y
post #56 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tobi View Post
After reading those messages, even though your daughter seemed not "innocent" in it all, it did seem like she was being targeted by the 18 year old.
Exactly, i think we have to remember that she's only 14 and very naive, where as the 18 year old is older and knows exactly what she's doing.

I'm pleased you and your daughter sorted things out
post #57 of 59
Great job on really reaching out to your daughter And bravo to her for such a mature response!! That's a fantastic step for both of you! I hope you remain this close - certainly when I was 14, my mother and I had a very, very difficult time connecting. I didn't get that very close bond with her until I turned 17. Even three years can be a long time to lose touch with someone you live with. I'm so glad it's worked out for you both.
post #58 of 59
I'm glad you guys talked. It will make you so much closer! It's good that things worked out. I'm so happy for you!
post #59 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom View Post

Maybe youre daughter is confused at how to handle this and doesn't want to be "mean". If this senior made threats of messing with some freshmen why doesn't your older step up and tell her to leave lil sis alone?
My oldest daughter told the 18 yr old to back off yesterday. We will see if she does. One of her good friends is bi-sexual and knows the 18yr old. She told my oldest daughter that the 18 yr old does this all the time. She said the 18 yr old likes going after "freshmen" because they are new and don't "get it" and she has better chances at getting the girl to go out with her.

All I have to say is that I am glad I found out about this early. I wish I could share the whole back story but that would take forever so here is just one example of how the 18yr old worked a situation to her benefit.

My 14 yr old daughter was angry with me and her father becuz we missed something that was important to her. The 18 yr old was there and used that as an example of how she would "never do anything so horrible or disappoint her in any way" like Mom and Dad did. 18yr old went on to say that Mom and Dad did that becuz they didn't understand the "friendship" that she and my daughter had and that becuz they had such a special "friendship" we would tell her she would not be allowed to talk to her or see her. She set it up. It was as if the 18 yr old knew how to spin whatever came out of mom and dads mouth around enough that it was becuz she was a "girl". This is a premediated act. Like she has done this before and will do it again until she gets the results she wants.

I was angry with the school becuz if my daughter was being bullied-smacked around- called names or anything else the school still wouldn't have given me the time of day unless my daughter filed a complaint. If you scare someone bad enough why would they turn and tell Administration about it.
My daughter would have felt like a complete outsider if she did or be called a "rat" by others in the school. Is this why there is violence in the schools? A kid today would rather "take care of it" on their own becuz they fear that if they tell that they will be even more isoldated then before?

"Not a Sermon, Just a thought"
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