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How can I help him to say good bye?

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
I presently share my home and life with four wonderful felines, that being just recently down from five. In November, my boyfriend and I took in a kitten that ended up having FIP and passed away due to complications this past Tuesday. My 7 year old, Marrs, was particularly close to the kitten. She looked nearly identical to himself and, even though he's long been neutered, he really acted as a father to her. They often laid together and played together. Marrs even taught her things. When I came home and discovered the kitten laying on the livingroom floor ill, it was Marrs that was sitting beside her.

Marrs has never been around for the death of another of my cats. The cat that I already had when I took him in is still alive and well at 15. We had two cats move out when my ex-husband and I split up, but he wasn't particularly close with either of them and largely didn't seem to care.

Previously, Marrs was a sweet boy, but with a rather wide indepedent streak. Also, the strong, 'silent' type. Now he's sleeping between the BF and I in bed. He'll walk around the apartment meowing. When I leave the apartment, he sits at the door and meows until I come home. We don't mind that he's being super-affectionate, but I do hate to see him hurting. We're also in the process of buying a home and will soon be moving in the next month to 6 weeks. I don't want to completely tramatize him with the loss and the change of scenery and smells all at once.

Is there anything I can do for him?
post #2 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by FilteredSunlite View Post
I presently share my home and life with four wonderful felines, that being just recently down from five. In November, my boyfriend and I took in a kitten that ended up having FIP and passed away due to complications this past Tuesday. My 7 year old, Marrs, was particularly close to the kitten. She looked nearly identical to himself and, even though he's long been neutered, he really acted as a father to her. They often laid together and played together. Marrs even taught her things. When I came home and discovered the kitten laying on the livingroom floor ill, it was Marrs that was sitting beside her.

Marrs has never been around for the death of another of my cats. The cat that I already had when I took him in is still alive and well at 15. We had two cats move out when my ex-husband and I split up, but he wasn't particularly close with either of them and largely didn't seem to care.

Previously, Marrs was a sweet boy, but with a rather wide indepedent streak. Also, the strong, 'silent' type. Now he's sleeping between the BF and I in bed. He'll walk around the apartment meowing. When I leave the apartment, he sits at the door and meows until I come home. We don't mind that he's being super-affectionate, but I do hate to see him hurting. We're also in the process of buying a home and will soon be moving in the next month to 6 weeks. I don't want to completely tramatize him with the loss and the change of scenery and smells all at once.

Is there anything I can do for him?
I'm sorry for all of you that you've lost a companion. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to ease the suffering of your kitty. :/ I wish you luck.
post #3 of 18
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your kitty Maybe trying Feliway would help him? That works well for calming stressed cats.
post #4 of 18
Sometimes just explaining it to him what happened. And giving him all the attention you can. As long as he is eating ok, he should do fine.
post #5 of 18
Cats do grieve terribly - I had this last year with Wellington when his brother died. He carried on till a new cat, Biscotte, arrived that he 'adopted'. Is there any chance of finding Marrs a new companion, maybe just after you move, to distract him from all the changes?
post #6 of 18
I just had it happen with Meeko. Stormy her best friend was Pts Dec 5th. It was sudden too. Meeko refused to eat and just layed there. I had to take her to the Vet. They did blood Tests all were normal. Stormy was Cocos girl. Then Meeko lost her son Yoshi Jan 11. He was her only Kitte, She became upset again. She was with Sasha but Meeko and Sasha are not good friends. I had got Oreo 2 Weeks before Stormy got Sick. Oreo was still staying in the bathroom then. Now Oreo and Meeko have become good friends. Coco is gppd friends with Meeko always has been. Meeko is fine now and isnt sad anymore. Yoshi and Stormy were both 5. Meeko had to know Stormy was Sick because I found her very Sick in the other room. Meeko did end uo getting very suck last month because caught a Uri from the Vets. Her fever was almost 105 then. Then she gave it to Coco and Oreo. It will be hard for your Cat.
post #7 of 18
Forgot to add helping Oreo really helped. Coco stays out here because she is on C/D. The other Cats stay in the other room at night and when we are not home.
post #8 of 18
Thread Starter 
I've thought about trying to find another kitten that looks like the one we just lost, but I think that would be harder on the bf and with both of us working more than 40 hours per week...5 was hard to keep up with. (At first we both felt guilty that if we hadn't been at work so much, we might have noticed the kitten getting sick earlier...but then we found out there wasn't a lot to be done with her having the FIP.) When we move, we'll also be going up from two dogs to four as my mom has been keeping my younger two while we were in this smaller apartment waiting for the house to come through. So I don't know that it would be fair to add another kitten to the household...for us or for Marrs.

I noticed this evening that the 3 year old, Tiger, is spending some time out of his usual hiding places (he was a feral kitten and has retained a lot of his anti-human policies) and Marrs is sitting with him tonight. I've given him a few extra treats (Marrs has his own policy about dry cat food: it's only to be eaten when there no other options and always as a last resort!) and lots of pets on demand these last few days.

I wonder if he didn't know the moment she passed... About 10-15 minutes before the vet called, Marrs meowed twice loudly and with that agonizing tone usually reserved for when he's managed to get himself locked in the bathroom and wants out. Then the vet called and told us that Treasure had passed 10-15 minutes before she called. I can't help but think that would be a big coincidence if he just happened to yowl right in that time frame. Perhaps that's why it's affecting him so deeply as well.
post #9 of 18
I expect he knew when she passed.

If you have a bed she slept on, catnip she drooled all over, a brush with her hair in it - whatever you can find that has her scent on it, give it to Marrs. Explain to him what happened, and explain to him that you all miss her - but that she's happy and whole now, not in any pain, and playing over the rainbow bridge - and she'll be there waiting for all of you. You'll all get to play together again. Tell him how much it means to you that he was such a good father to her. And cuddle a lot with him - tell him you miss her too. Grieve together.

I'd also start telling them you're going to move. Call me crazy - but we've moved twice, and we explained to them CONSTANTLY what was going to happen. I'm sure it helped.

But if you've got anything with Treasure's scent, make sure to bring it along.

I'm so sorry for your loss,

Laurie
post #10 of 18
We had to put Raven to sleep in December. He was Nabu's littermate. Nabu grieved the loss. We think he knew, but of course grieved the loss of his brother. They had been very close.

I gave Nabu whatever he wanted to eat (for a couple weeks he wouldn't eat anything but Fancy Feast Medleys). I also let him sniff the bit of Raven's fur the vet gave us that same night. He got an odd look, and that's when I really think he knew. We've made some new rituals with Nabu. He gets brushed several times a week with the zoom groom and I make sure I have "kitty time" every night. I'm going to school full time so sometimes it can be tough to make time.

I'm sure your kitty knew that his friend passed. Just be there for him. Also make sure he is eating ok. Nabu was off his food after Raven passed. Fancy Feast Medleys were all I could get him to eat.

You could also try adding Rescue Remedy to his water. I've been doing that at our house.
post #11 of 18
Thread Starter 
I'll have to try the rescue remedy stuff. Do we know who carries it and in which section it's kept? Unfortunately, Treasure wasn't a big blanket-baby...she preferred sleeping on top of the nice warm cable box. (Someone at Bright House is going to looove us when we return the unit, I'm sure.) She wouldn't sit still long enough to be brushed and her toy of choice were the caps off of water bottles...I don't know how well those retain scents. :-/

I've been telling him that we're going to move to a bigger house with a screen porch for him to sun himself on (a favorite hobby of all of our cats) and that he's going to love it...that I'll put a birdfeeder out for him to watch, too. (Another of his favorite hobbies from our old house.) He's been tense since he's seen me packing things these past couple of weeks...he's the one that takes it the hardest whenever we move. He hates being crated. I've been thinking that when we move, I'll wait until later at night when there's not as much traffic and let him ride in my lap, with just a harness and leash on...maybe it wouldn't be as stressful to him. Or does anyone happen to know if the doggie seat-belts sold in stores work for cats?
post #12 of 18
I went through this this year when my oldest of three cats died. They (especially the one who'd lived with him the longest, about 7 years) seemed just very confused. I think, since we can't explain it to them (and even if we could, they'd still grieve), time just has to take care of it, as it does with us.

Just do what you're doing, give him all the extra attention, affection and reassurance he's seeking.
post #13 of 18
So sorry for your loss and for the difficulties that Marrs is having with the changes.

But please keep him in a carrier when you move --- for your safety, his safety and the safety of everyone else on the road. Even if there happens to be less traffic at the time, you can't know for sure how he will react to certain things, especially if he's never had such freedom in a car before. And all it can take for a serious accident to occur is a few seconds of distraction.

I hope that everything works out well for you and all of your animals.
post #14 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by RobertM View Post
So sorry for your loss and for the difficulties that Marrs is having with the changes.

But please keep him in a carrier when you move --- for your safety, his safety and the safety of everyone else on the road. Even if there happens to be less traffic at the time, you can't know for sure how he will react to certain things, especially if he's never had such freedom in a car before. And all it can take for a serious accident to occur is a few seconds of distraction.

I hope that everything works out well for you and all of your animals.
I second this. It's really important for his safety. A couple on vacation not too far from here had their cats with them. There was an accident - and they had to extend their "vacation" for an extra couple of weeks. Despite donations to pay for motels and a group putting out traps, the kitties were never caught. A group continued to search even after the couple had to return home because of work.

No matter how much he stresses, it isn't worth the risk.

Laurie
post #15 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by littleraven7726 View Post
We had to put Raven to sleep in December. He was Nabu's littermate. Nabu grieved the loss. We think he knew, but of course grieved the loss of his brother. They had been very close.
same thing here when Mouse passed. she went to the vet's & never came home... i explained to Pixel [her littermate] that Mouse had died & would never come home. fortunately, i already had Cable, so Pixel wasn't alone. when Mouse went to the vet's it was the first time she & Pixel had ever been separated. Pixel did mope around for a few months, too, altho she never stopped eating. i think she understood what i told her [altho i don't pretend to know how].
post #16 of 18
Thread Starter 
Marrs, in a lot of ways, now seems to be mirroring our emotions...we have an increasing number of moments where the loss isn't the forerunning thought in our heads and some where it hits us that's she's truly gone. It seems like he's a bit more distracted today by Jewel as she's feeling better from her cold and actually starting to play some. He can REALLY be distracted by treats. He just raced into the bedroom being closely trailed by the dogs. (We just laughed at him and told him he was owned by an 11 year old chihuahua with no teeth. ) And some moments when the apartment is quiet and still that he comes and flops down next to us for petting. But all-in-all, he seems to be getting a little better and he hasn't abandon the food dish anymore than his usual but-why-would-I-eat-dried-kibble-of-I-could-mooch-steak? take on it. I think he's on his way to being 'okay'.
post #17 of 18
When Yoshi was Pts Coco was there because she had to get a Urine test that day. The next time we went to the Vets she refused to go and hid. She knew he didnt come back. We said goodbue in a reg room and I did not go back when he gor the shot.
post #18 of 18
it sounds like you are doing all the right things. i agree with everything said in this thread, particularly about the carrier issue. no matter how upset my cats have been about being in a carrier, they are in the carrier!

keep up the good work with marrs and i'm sure he'll be fine. cats do grieve, just like us but you are doing everything to help him.
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