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Biological father...

post #1 of 10
Thread Starter 
I don't know if any of you remember my last thread about my biological father... I talked about how I never met or have ever talked to him and would prefer not to, but I should talk to my paternal grandmother, yadda yadda yadda. Well, I wrote her. and I got a response in record time! I got a letter from her, from him and from a 10-year-old step-sister I didn't know I had (In fact I have 3 ) All the letters were really sweet and they all can't wait for me to write them back and get to know each other. I have aunts and uncles and cousins and all sorts of family. not much of it is blood related (all of my dad's siblings were adopted and the sisters are all his new wife's) but it's still family right? Apparently they've all known about me and have tried to get in touch with me through chat lines and checking the phone book etc. etc.

So I wrote my paternal grandmother and my step-sister a nice 1-2 page letter each and now I'm stuck with what to say to my father. I won't ever call him anything but his first name because I have a dad whom I love and cherish and I won't tarnish "dad" at all by calling him that. Obviously he's not the same 25 year old that chose a motorcycle over a crying baby, but he still wasn't there (either by his choice or my mom's) and I don't feel I should have to call him anything but his real name. So I hope he doesn't pressure me to call him something that he's been "dreaming" about for so long. I asked him to explain his side of the story of what happened and told a little about myself. But now what??? I never really expected him to write me. I sort of thought he would, but never really expected it. So am I obliged to write him everything that I told the others? Obviously he going to read his little girl's letter from me, he's a father, and I'm sure he's really curious. I just don't feel like opening up to him right now, and I'm sure he'll understand if I don't. But if he's going to hear my letters from grandma and sister....no, I shouldn't assume that he's going to read anything because he just might not.

I've got today to think about it because I want to send this out on Monday. I guess I'll include a couple of pictures... But I won't include my last name yet. Just in case they get freaky possessive and I want to break it off. With that thought, I won't give them my home address yet, I found out in grandma's letter that they have family in victoria, where I live. So if I don't want anybody knocking on my door, I'll keep that information to myself.

Ok, sorry for the long letter, I hope some of you can respond to this.

post #2 of 10
Congratulations Tamme. You took a huge chance there, and it worked out really well for you. The emotions involved are really volatile, and it took a lot of courage to get in touch with them at all.

My advice to you is this. Don't tell them your last name or address yet - you need to feel much more confident and secure. Small steps are the best with these emotional stakes.

Write a short letter to your bio father. Tell him that you expect he has read the letter to his daughter. Just so that you don't put her in the middle of the relationship ( or non relationship) with him. Call him by his first name, and if he says anything about is, say you already have a dad. And you can write a very brief note to him, just say that you are really pleased to find out that you have family on his side you never knew about. There is no reason that you should expect to develop a close or trusting relationship with him ever, or without a lot of work. However, you can still correspond with other family members, as long as everyone knows that is happening.
post #3 of 10
That is wonderful that you got such a nice letter back!!! I think you are being smart to be so cautious though about giving out personal information just yet!! Keep us posted!!! This is great news!
post #4 of 10
It would be hard to reach out to someone that should of been in your life but chose (for whatever reason) not to. Times were so different back then, and I would think that your biological father is full of regrets now for not taking responsibility and staying around. I have a lot of friends who are adopted, as well as friends whose father split on them early and they were raised by a single mom. One of my friend's daughter Jodi, has tried repeatedly to get in touch with her natural father, and he has stone-walled her every advance. It has left her cold against men and she has paid dearly for this. I would think that the fact he is leaving the door open just a crack, is a good sign. You want to keep the door open a crack, give him general information about yourself but guard your heart at the same time. As far as to what to call him- call him by his last name, or call him Sir to show respect.

I envy you this journey to your new family and I hope it goes well for you all the way around.
post #5 of 10
Tamme -

It is really great that you took the first step towards embracing a part of your family that has been missing. I have been in a similar situation. I found out when I was 15 that the man I thought was my father, wasn't. It was shocking and really tough.

At first I was angry with my biological father because I listened to everything my Mom and Grandmother told me about him. I was upset and confused because I had this thought he didn't want me, but a few months later the curiosity got to me, and I looked him up in the phone book. I sat down and wrote him a letter, explaining who I was. It took a few weeks to actually mail the letter, but eventually I did mail it. He called me a few days later and we met for lunch.

I am 25 now, and we have a good father/daughter relationship, I love him very much. I got his side of the story (there are two to every story), and although it differed from my Mom's, I chose to put it in the past (after much debate). I call him by his first name, and he has never said anything about it, and I got not only a father out of the deal, but the family that came with him. My goodness. I have 5 Uncles, another Aunt, they all have children so a whole slew of cousins, I got to meet my Grandmother, and I have an older step brother and a younger brother as well, who treat me as if I have been in their lives from the beginning.

So, I had a happy ending, so what? Right? On paper it looks easy, but it was a bumpy road. I had a lot of animosity toward him, and there was much fighting between us because of it. He thought he could step in and do "father knows best" when I was well aware of my life and how I wanted to live it. Tears were shed, and it is tough with my Mom and my other father (and yes that is how I think of him). There are a whole lot of other things that played into my decisions, but they are long and intricate and probably boring, so I won't get into them. There were a lot of factors, and it wasn't easy, not even a little easy.

I think the key thing in these situations is to remember that you are the one in control. You decide. If you want to call him by his first name, then do it. If he doesn't understand why, then explain it to him. You have a right to your feelings. You don't have to write him, and you don't have to censor yourself when writing to other parts of your family. You move as fast or as slow as you want to move with this. It is up to you. I wish you the best of luck in this situation, and if you ever need someone to talk to about it, please feel free to PM me. *hugs*
post #6 of 10
Originally posted by Debby
That is wonderful that you got such a nice letter back!!! I think you are being smart to be so cautious though about giving out personal information just yet!! Keep us posted!!! This is great news!
I am impressed Tamme ! I have 2 adopted children too . The oldest one has been back to his home country (Korea) and doesn't want to know more . The youngest is nearly 14 now ; she is a loving child , and very open too ! So , we know she is going to search one day too , just like you . We will support her in any possible way ! She didn't choose to be adopted , so , if she wants to know more about her roots , I cannot agree more !!!
I am so happy for you!! And the way you handle this , I am really impressed !!!
post #7 of 10

It's great that you took a step forward in understanding your past. I always believe that I never want to die and have regrets. Even if your father never sent you a letter, you know that you did what you needed to for your own life.

I don't think calling your father by his first name is a problem. He knows you are a grown woman and have your own life. Actually, at this point he is probably as curious and nervous about all the events as you are. Just remember you can't change past events, but you can take steps to change your future. Are you close enough to meet with him? If so, how about arranging a lunch date or coffee with him? It may do wonders meeting face to face.

I think I would remain cautious (with revealing your address, last name etc.). Things may be great now, but with them being so close to where you live you should have more interaction before revealing everything. I always side on caution.

I am so happy that you received such a positive response and now have an extended family that you can explore. Take it slowly, with no expectations and you will probably be more positive and have a richer experience because of it.

post #8 of 10
Thread Starter 
[size=large]Thank-you all for your wonderful responses and support - you're all so wonderful!

My mom was the one who originally told me that I should get in contact with my paternal grandmother. She said I shouldn't punish the whole family for what one man did, so, with that good-sense, I wrote him, got a response, and when I told mom about this, she didn't want to know anything about it (she was sleeping over at her new boyfriends house and doesn't usually want to discuss such personal things on the phone, which I understand) So I waited and later that day she called and wanted to know when Grama(maternal) was coming over - never mentioned the letter. Later again, she called to say she would be late coming over - never mentioned the letter. When she finally came over, she visited and tried on clothes and the like - again, never mentioned the letter.

What do you think is going on in her head? Does she not want to be involved? Does she want me to bring it up again? I think she's mad because I never had HER address as the return address (i used my mother-in-laws, but she doesn't know that) but I didn't want anybody that he might know at the address in case he decided to come down. And MIL could say it was just some girl at the church who asked her to do this favour for her... you know?

anywho, any insight would be great, thanx[/size]
post #9 of 10
Tamme, don't try to analyze this too much. There is no really logical reason for emotional reactions to things. You mom might just be really worried that you could be hurt, she could be worried that she might be hurt, she may not want to deal with the past......there are all sorts of reasons.

I'd say, you just take things really slowly, keep letting your mom know what is going on, don't expect her to be involved or excited about it all, and just see what happens.

I would say, you just need to follow your instincts, don't expect too much to quickly, and above all, don't do this all in secrecy. I think that it is really just keeping secrets that hurts people.

But, that's just from my experience.
post #10 of 10
I agree with Sammie5. It could be that she feels guilty and doesn't want to have to think about it. She could also be very angry (with your real dad).

Gary's mom and dad got divorced - and they HATE each other. They both constantly say terrible things about each other and place him in such an awkward position. He hates being in the middle of it. And this has gone on for 33 years. (They divorced when he was 7).

There's nothing that you can do about that. She doesn't want to deal with it. It's painful for someone no matter what happens because it's an uncomfortable situation - and an emotional one to begin with.

You've had good instincts about this - just keep going! I think you're so smart for having taken precautions. Little by little, step by step. You know what you're doing. Trust yourself and follow your heart - it's working so far!!!!

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