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Does this sound fair?

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
My SO reminded me earlier this evening that "we" have a car meet to go to tomorrow night. I said I didn't want to go BORING, standing in the cold looking and talking about cars and things I have no clue about. So my SO asked if there's anything better I want to do. I told him I would rather go to Roosters this poop hole bar where this decent country band plays. Haven't been in a long time my bff goes there every weekend but doesn't drink just hangs and dances. My SO hates the place because by the end of the night I usually get hit on by some drunk old man, whatevs no harm. He is totally against the place and therefore forbids me to go. He says he doesn't like the place and will never go again so in turn because he can't be there to protect me I can't go and it's wrong for a girl with a man to be at a bar with her single girlfriend. So he expects me to go to that with him or stay home with my thumb up my butt and wait for him. Doesn't sound fair at all. Comments?
post #2 of 16
Go with him, and he goes with you on Valentine's Day, or next weekend if that's too far away!
post #3 of 16
He may be your SO, but he has no right to tell you can't go someplace just because he's not going to be there. I'm pretty sure you're a big girl and can take care of yourself. It's not like you are going alone; your best friend is going with you, and you can watch each other's back.

Tricia
post #4 of 16
Regardless of fair! He sounds controlling and that raises a red flag for me.

He wants to go somewhere that you don't want to. So he's of the opinion that you either go with him, or you stay home. Who gives him the right to dictate where and what you do and who you hang out with?

If he wants to go and talk cars let him. You should call a girl friend and go out with her.

If your relationship has trust in it, there shouldn't be a problem.

If he refuses to let you go, I would seriously reevaluate your relationship with him. To me it sounds like it's an abusive one where he's controlling and manipulative of you and your time and only wants you to spend time with him and not your friends, essentially isolating you. That's not right or healthy.

By the way, abusive relationships do not necessarily have to involve "physical", it can also be "emotiona", and "psychological" too.
post #5 of 16
That doesn't sound fair at all to me. If he trusts you then going to that bar with your friend shouldn't be a big deal.
post #6 of 16
Compremise; perhaps you and your BF can find someother place to go, or perhaps go shopping or something?

OR you both spend time in each place; you spend some time at the car thingy, and then you go to the other place together for a while later.
post #7 of 16
Of course that isn't fair! And I believe you that your SO won't go to the bar with you, whether or not your go with him to the car meet (whatever that is).

Tell him that it is okay for non-single people to go dancing. Tell him it would be more fun to dance with him, just like it would be more fun for him to be at a car meet with you, but you two simply don't like that particular activity. Having both of you go to different things that make you happy is, in fact, the perfect solution. That way no-one has to sit at home lonely and bored while the other is out having fun.

My spouse used to go dancing by himself. I tried to go sometimes, but I just don't have the stamina he did, so I finally convinced him to go alone. If it's okay for a married man to go dancing by himself (straight men may be more common at bars, but they are more sparse, at least on the dance floor, in dance clubs), it's okay for a women in a relationship to out with her girlfriends and dance!

post #8 of 16
You cant spend every minute together!! You need to have time apart! He ISN'T your FATHER and has no right to tell you what you can/cant do or where you can/cant go! Tell him he's not allowed to go to the car thingy, make up an excuse like the wind is blowing and he could get an ear infection and you absolutely forbid him to go. See how he likes it!! When the shoes on the other foot and doesn't fit right maybe he'll get the picture. You can't be isolated from you friends either way. Thats a main reason relationships ends because they focus too much time on being together alone and not enough time being away from one another! Good luck grrl! Let us know how things work out and what you decide to do!
post #9 of 16
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Enuja View Post
Of course that isn't fair! And I believe you that your SO won't go to the bar with you, whether or not your go with him to the car meet (whatever that is).



Your exactly right. He won't step foot in that bar. I invite him even tho I know the answer but I want him to know he is welcome it's not just a girl thing. My roommate is going. It's the fact that it's a bar and they play country music and it's not the most reputable place.
post #10 of 16
There may be other places to do dancing. Does this band you like play elsewhere? They might have a website, and you might be able to ask them when you do go with your girlfriend. There are nightlife places that exist more for the dancing and have very few older guys, drunk and creepy or not. (Usually a fair number of young and hot ones, though.) I have no idea what the situation is where you live.

With my spouse, his favorite place to go dancing is not my favorite place. I like the place with all the of the cute people dressed up all gothy (he dances to goth music), he likes the place that's about 2 ft square, has a really skeezy essentially completely black upper room, and has many many fewer people. But if he drags me, I think at this point he knows to drag me to the one I like, not the one he likes. Opening up the possibility of other dancing places might help him to realize that the thing you like is the band and dancing, not the flirting.

You may live where none of this is a possibility; but how about planning a big get together and hiring your favorite band? Just because? Its kinda a crazy idea, and I assume you couldn't do it very often and would need the organizational and financial cooperation of a large group of people, but this kind of thing could work. And it could be as un-skeezy as you want it to be.

On the other hand, maybe you do like skeezy dive bars, your SO doesn't, and this might be a serious fundamental issue in your relationship. My spouse and I have some serious fundamental issues that we are simply aware of and try to accommodate each other for (the dancing thing is not one of them). But if he can see your (possible) appreciation of skeezy dive bars as a part of you, instead of as single person on the prowl thing, he will have the opportunity to learn to accept it.
post #11 of 16
If he is allowed to go look at cars with his friends, then you are allowed to go somewhere with your friends.

Maybe make a promise that you'll leae the bar by midnight...then that should calm down his jealousy factors.
post #12 of 16
Did you tell him that you would go to the car show, and changed your mind now? That's not cool, if thats the situation. As far as him not wanting you to go to the bar where you get hit on by drunk old men, isnt that better than you getting hit on by hot young men? I trust my girlfriend and certainly dont like the thought of other guys hitting on her, but I know she can take care of herself. Especially if your friend is there, you've got backup and will probably be fine. Just speaking for myself, I have a better time at car shows with my guy friends and no girls. Guy time is important, esp when it involved cars.
post #13 of 16
I think you should compromise with him (of course, it takes two to compromise!) Go with him to the car meet, but tell him you will go and not complain about it so long as he goes somewhere you want.

Rob & I used to go to a car meet every other weekend when I first moved here - a local group of friends that got together. Eventually we stopped going because our cars were both down for better drivetrains. He started wanting to go back again, but I stopped enjoying it - it was the same people looking at the same exact cars every other weekend - making a big deal over something that really wasn't that great.

We had actually started going on a "date night" every Saturday night. I told him I'd compromise with him - we go to the meets on the scheduled nights, and we continue date night the Saturdays in between. He didn't really like the idea that much, but that was how I wanted to compromise.

In the end though, we went to maybe 2 more meets, they both stunk. Only 2 or 3 people even showed up, and only one of them went to dinner (the meets used to be meet up, BS, then go grab some dinner as a group) with us. We do the date night thing every Saturday still though.

Good luck! I think he should be willing to give if you are willing to give! Sitting home by yourself stinks sometimes!
post #14 of 16
That controlling thing sends up some red flags to me. Good luck.
post #15 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
Regardless of fair! He sounds controlling and that raises a red flag for me.

He wants to go somewhere that you don't want to. So he's of the opinion that you either go with him, or you stay home. Who gives him the right to dictate where and what you do and who you hang out with?

If he wants to go and talk cars let him. You should call a girl friend and go out with her.

If your relationship has trust in it, there shouldn't be a problem.

If he refuses to let you go, I would seriously reevaluate your relationship with him. To me it sounds like it's an abusive one where he's controlling and manipulative of you and your time and only wants you to spend time with him and not your friends, essentially isolating you. That's not right or healthy.

By the way, abusive relationships do not necessarily have to involve "physical", it can also be "emotiona", and "psychological" too.
Natalie is right.. It is a matter of trust. It sounds like he doesn't trust you or wants to control you. I was reading this to my husband and he feels the same. I can go out with my single friends and all he says is "have a good time" It isn't fair that he gets to do the things he likes to do but if you want to do something you like, he throws a fit. I would go and have a good time.
post #16 of 16
I don't think he should have the right to forbid you from going anywhere. He should trust you enough to allow you to go out with a friend. If he can't do that, then he definetely has control / trust issues that need to be worked out.
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