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In desperate need of good advice*long*

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
I will have to start with the background so I don’t confuse anyone. I have 2 dads a

biological father and a stepfather. My stepfather is the man who raised me and the one I

call Dad he raised me from 18months old until the day he died and I miss him so much!

My biological father is still alive. I’ve tried several times to talk with him called him on

numerous occasions just to talk nothing else…I’ve felt guilty over the years and

wondered if he ever thinks of me or if he misses me. My mom and him got a divorce

when I was about 10 months old she left him and they shared custody. I spent every

other weekend with him and the weeks with her at 18 months old she married Jim(my

dad) and Jim raised me though I still had visitation with David(biological father) at 6

years old there was a major custody battle that took place between Mom Dad and David

it went on for about 6 months total at the end of the battle my mom was awarded sole

custody of me and about another 6 months later Jim adopted me giving me his last name I

was a daddy’s girl through and through and though I still thought of David he still sent

me birthday cards and a card for all the holidays we didn’t talk any more. After my

Dad(Jim) died, I started getting more and more curious as to who David was if he still

wanted me in his life and if he still cared about me. As time went on and I grew up I

continued to wonder these things. When I was about 17 years old I called information

and got his number and called him…We talked for about an hour about life and things he

gave me his e-mail and I sent pictures to him as well as sent him a graduation invitation

as well as many senior pictures…He didn’t show up at my graduation I was hurt but

figured he needed some time to heal. We didn’t talk for a while even though I called a

few times with no answer. I had to pay the house phone bill so I tried not to use many

long distance minutes because I was only 17 and still had car insurance to pay and only

had a minimum wage paying job and couldn’t afford much extra…Mom said he could

call the house if he wanted to talk to me but he never did. I had to have a surgery right

before my 18th birthday and right after my graduation to look at my ovaries and uterus

because I was having some feminine issues…The morning of the surgery mom asked me

if I wanted to call David and tell him the hospital was only about 20 minutes from his

house and she said maybe he’d like to drop by. I called him and instead of him being

worried or anything he was mad at me not about the surgery but for not calling him more

I tried to explain that I hadn’t called because I couldn’t afford much long distance and

said that he could call me and that Id even buy two 500 minute calling cards and mail one

to him so that we could call each other instead he was mad at me as if he couldn’t

understand what I was saying…after that I let it go and I haven’t talked to him since right

before I got marred we had a fight then to about why I hadn’t called…As soon as I

moved out on my own I called him with my new house phone number so that he could

call me one of his reasons before was that him and my mom didn’t get a long and he was

afraid he would have words with her and upset me and that’s why he didn’t call even

though mom assured me this wouldn’t happen and him as well that was his reason…he

never one time called me and I figured if he wasn’t going to make the effort I wasn’t

going to either. Now its starting again I feel the need to reconnect with him to talk to him

to find out who he is and if he has any feelings for me. Do you guys have any advice for

me? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as well as some vibes!

Thanks so much for reading this!!
post #2 of 11
your situation sounds a lot like my own. My parents got divorced when I was 8 and my dad has always had partial custody of me. And that worked great until high school when I was in marching band, concert band, and pep band, along with mock trial and all the homework, friends and boyfriend. So my parents agreed that I would see my dad when I could but coming over every other weekend wasnt really an option anymore. And then the "you never call me" crap started. I dealt with it for a while, getting more upset each time he did it to me. He never came to football games, rarely came to competitions, rarely came to concerts, and was just never there for me even though I tried to include him and invite him to everything. For graduation he came, but didnt get there early enough to get a seat even though I called and told him to be there extra early. And he left right after I walked the stage and while that shouldnt bother me it really really did. I mean at least he showed up!
Right after graduation I called to ask about him maybe going in 1/3 on a new laptop for me for college and the "you never call or see me so why should I" (all during this he NEVER called the house or my cell both numbers he had_ crap started I hung up on him, called my mom bawling my eyes out, she called him and completely told him off and he called back and barely apologized. After that I just kind of cut ties with him for a while, mostly because I had had enough of his bullying and him never calling but I wasnt expected to say anything but he raised all hell if I didnt call him. I heard from him a few months after at about 10PM, he let me know he had cancer of the throat and was going in for surgery the next day...
That was pretty much the last I talked to him for a while. I started speaking to him again this Christmas after about 3 years. and for the most part he has changed, but I made it very clear that if he wanted to talk he could call me. And that I would call him when I could but I'm a bit busy and barely have time for myself much less the phone most days. And he agreed, so far things have been fine, but we'll see.

Maybe its just something about dads after a divorce where they get like that I dont know. The best advice I can give you is just what I did. A very long break of no communication and then when you feel ready, call and set the rules very first thing. Make sure he knows how awful it makes you feel to always be the one that has to call and the one that has to deal with it when you dont. And be sure to point out that the phone rings both ways. I hope that helped a little, and I hope that you dont feel like you're the only one who has given up on their fathers, but wish things could be different!
Good luck with it, hopefully something will knock some sense into the man!
PS sorry its so long I wanted to share my story with you.
post #3 of 11
Wow you are really in a tough spot with him. I can understand wanting to work on a relationship with him, but it sounds like he has hurt you many times.

I guess if you really want to have him in your life, go for it. But take it slow. Call for a few minutes here and there. He might not respond like you'd like; but that might just be how it will be with him if you want him in your life. Does that make sense?

ETA: My Dad and I had a rocky relationship for years. There was always drama that I won't get into. What I started to do was just call him on Sunday afternoons to chat for a bit. After some time things got better. But I guarded my heart too. I kind of figured if I expected too much; I'd get hurt. But I didn't just never leave the ball in his court. Eventually he picked up calling me more and things.
post #4 of 11
I'm sorry to say this, but it doesn't really sound like he's interested in being part of your life right now.

Just because he contributed to your DNA doesn't mean that he had the capacity to be a father back then, and by the sounds of what you say, he still doesn't.

The worse thing you can do is push yourself on to him. Yes, I understand your "need" to know about him, but your real father is the one who raised you and who was there for you for every skinned knee and birthday that you had.

Leave the door open for when and if your biological father reaches a point in his life where he feels the same need to connect with you as you do with him.

Right now it's only one sided though and pushing yourself at him is the worse thing you can do.

It's possible that he holds a great deal of hate towards himself for not being there for you all of these years but he doesn't know how to express it other than to blame you for not making the extra effort to keep in touch with him.

Step back, let him know that when and if he is interested in becoming part of your life and getting to know you as a daughter and friend, that you are there. Then leave it up to him.

But don't be hurt if you don't hear from him. Many people aren't cut out to be "parents" especially after so many years.
post #5 of 11
I sure can understand you wanting to know your real dad. But it sounds like you have your answer. He didn't show for your graduation. He didn't visit you in the hospital. He has never called you .. Yet he is mad about you not calling him? It wasn't your fault about the custody battle. He is the adult he should make the effort to call you. its a two way street.
I might make one more call but if you get the same response I would give up and move on. Let him make the next contact Don't set yourself up to be hurt over and over again.
post #6 of 11
Well my moms been married and divorced 8 times, so I went through alot of dads, but I have two main dads, My Biological dad, who I didn't meet until I was twelve, and then my stepdaddy, who was there since I was 9. My step dad is the one who was there when I hurt myself and the one who cared so he's my main dad. The other one didn't know how to handle things when I wanted to meet up and has always been reserved so to speak, he doesn't have alot to say to me, he says it, just not to me! I always have to make the effort (he didn't even call me to tell me my aunt died the other day)
but when It comes down to it thats just his way. So every sunday I get all my kids ready and go to his house. He may not have much to say to me, but he loves me, he just doesn't know how to talk to me! I suppose after being away for so long its hard, but each sunday (Ive been doing this for ten years now) He gets a little better! When I got removed from my house when I was 15 he wasn't there for me, he made it quite clear at the time he didn't want me to live with him, thats fine, I dont care. But the point is you shouldn't get yourself all hurt about this because that could just be his personality or he could just be a jerk. I would give it another call and let him make the next move! I understand the wanting to know you dad, but you did, and you loved him and he loved you back. Just because he isn't there anymore doesn't mean he didn't want to be! He's still your dad!
post #7 of 11
Hopefully you'll find some hope in this!

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad went AWOL for so many years. My Mom remarried Peter who was my stepfather until I was 23 and then they split up. My dad lived in the same town as me and barely visited and never called! My sister, Mom and I left SA 5 years ago and moved to the UK and still Dad never rang....

Dad's had some really rough times in the last 3 years, his girlfriend passed away and he was charged, tried and found not guilty of her death in 4 different courts and it although it worried me and upset me that he was being wrongfully accused of my sweet "step mom's" death, I did nothing to show him I was there for him. Now he's come to England to be with us and he had no where to go - my mother straight off refused to have him stay with her, my sister spend all of 3 hours with him the day he arrived and said "bye Dad, see you soon" so I was left feeling like crap because no-one wanted to have him!

So he's come to stay with me, and i find some of the things he does or says very very annoying (he reverts to a baby voice when he's asking for something) and it also at the same time upsets me because these are the things I should already know about my father but am only learning at 30 years old! We are bonding for the first time in 25 years and that is all that matters!

Sweetheart, David is afterall your dad and maybe you should give him one more call or better yet, write to him! You'll get the answer you need from your very own heart! Goodluck!
post #8 of 11
You can't make someone like your or want a relationship with you, even if its a biological parent. For now, you have to accept that he doesn't want a relationship.

You cannot control his actions. But you can control how you react. Its your choice whether you still want to call him or send him cards. I think I'd just write him a letter telling him how you feel and more/less ending it with "I hope that you will keep in contact" (give him your number/address.

Then its up to him to respond. If he does, good, if he doesn't....well you have your answer. Then you can just pray for him to have a change of heart
post #9 of 11
My parents divorced when I was under a year old. I had every other weekend with my family. I finally saw why mom divorced him and pretty much cut all ties with him myself. I also heard the "you don't call me enough" line. I just got sick of it. The phone works both ways.

It sounds like he can't be bothered with a relationship with you for whatever his reasons. My advice would be to let him contact you when/if he is ready. You need to realize that he might not want a relationship. You can't sit there wondering will he call today. You need to find closure without him. Have you consider therapy?
post #10 of 11
Give him 1 last call and let him know your phone line will be open, but you won't be sitting by it. The man who sat by your bed while you were sick and talked to you about boys is your dad. The other man just donated some DNA (in my own personal opinion)

We went through this from the opposite end. My brother was the dad. He sat up with the kids when they had the flu. He fixed their bikes and taught them how to do things. Then the father discovered he had 3 kids he had forgotten and called with the promise of riches. 2 of the 3 kicked him to the curb.
post #11 of 11
I can't speak from experience about this. My Mom was widowed when I was 14 and she married my former stepfather when I was a freshman in college and divorced him when I graduated. He did not pay for my education. When they divorced nobody wanted to contact anyone else, ever.

That said, I think that there is great advice in the posts. Maybe you should give him one more chance. To put the blame on you for not calling is just childish. I think someone posted that he should be the adult.

Anyway, I wish you luck.
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